HOBBITS BAR - still finding it hard to move on ......(part 3)

[greenberet]

here we go ladies & drifting dogs welcome too of the harvey kind!

grab your drinks - , and izzietinis dependant on time of day & how we are feeling

Original thread

Part two

anyone welcome, new, old, lurkers we share with you all.
no requirements re posting as & when, one offs, rants, extreme rants, blubbing we dont mind, we've done it all .

we like songs, we like pics, we like humour, we like the words "twunts" and "fuckwittery" & we send each other often!

Our motto KOKO and our theme tune

join us

morning all - i seem to be on a different time zone to you lot -

woken up to images of walnut whips & clacking balls - -hobbit maybe this is what you got too from "dysclaculia" - izzie is that too many izzitinies lol

well your comment early evening got me pondering - so confession time - in attempt to help & share I have been told that I can "bombard" with information and over analyse situations- apparently some people find this abusive if they feel they are being shown to be wrong - I am aware I am going through this "phase" and I did wonder whether my last post may not have been helpful (PA link) - my intentions with all this is if anything I say on here or that I have gone through can help somebody else relate to their own situation far sooner than I did then this will be a positive. I am also aware that constantly questioning your own behaviour is a symptom of abuse - so can't bloody win!

Iam in the past and the ow has just replaced me completely. I have been erased from his life. - yep totally get this! -but this is a reflection of them not us! would you be happy "slotting" in like this - no me neither! we see that but doubt OW does and that's another thing they don't think like us either - they are more on "twunts" wavelength.

iwas - I am not convinced these men get the emotions in the same way we do - so all the things you are saying I am not sure - i think you would benefit from reading the PA link - some men use sex as a "control" & it feeds a "need" they have rather than making a connection with the other person. Our heads come from a completely different perspective - to us everything is personal - thats why we are having such a hard time adjusting and the inconsistency of their behaviour is what keeps us questioning ourselves.

& finally totally agree with well - interrupt away (lol - think i do this all the time) Post when you have the need not when the mood is right - no faking allowed on this thread!

hello to everyone else - i have read all but my head is buzzing right now - i need to try & get out of this place (my head - not here)- but any of you with the harrasment thing - i read the request for feedback thread from the College of policing and went through to the legal documents - interesting reading is all i will say - will comment off thread if anyone interested.

bombard" with information and over analyse situations- apparently some people find this abusive if they feel they are being shown to be wrong

Yes, in my case the "vile texts I have sent pointing out the reality of the situation. Which, WWK* don't panic! I've stopped now.

Going off to do some painting now, as I feel myself getting wound up if I pursue this post

MEH MEH MEH

You go ahead Green, I'm interested in the psychology and will defo pick up the links when in a reflective mood

Clackers, oh yes I had the original dangerous ones. Nowadays they are plastic shit. I bought a pair on holiday apmaybe ten years ago. Still have them. But yes the originals were like in the clip.

And remember scooby doos? They are back under a different name.

Right, off to paint.....

But iwas and Whyme, they will never take your place as the mother of your children, you gave birth to them, your position can never be replaced.

They can take your place in their beds, and maybe in their hearts for a while, but you will always have your children's love and support.
There is a difficult road ahead for all of us, and maybe some unpalatable decisions, but our core relationship with our children is not damaged, as is theirs.

My sons will never be close to my ex again, after what he has put me through, and my ex will have to live with knowing that they feel such contempt for him. They will not engage with the OW, I don't see why they should have to, it's their own choice.

I know it is so hard for you at the moment Iwas, but I think your position is untenable, you cannot start to feel better when you are surrounded by reminders of your once happy life and have your nose rubbed in his "new" relationship at every turn. My heart bleeds for you it really does, I don't see how you can possibly carry on as you are, and I worry just how much more you can take of his casual cruelty, much love to you and Why.

Ps, I really think you should consider seeing a counsellor, even for just a few sessions, if nothing else it gives you an impartial perspective from someone outside the situation.
It reinforces the realisation that you are not being unreasonable in just accepting what your husband "wants" to happen and what is the right way forward for you.
They can also give you coping strategies, or maybe just someone to listen to you, it can't hurt you , and it may help you a great deal.
I would have been the first to ridicule such an idea, in fact I did when my ex suggested it 2 weeks after he had left, saying I was obviously too angry to speak to rationally, but a few months down the line, I came to the point of trying anything to help.

Morning everyone Couldn't sleep last night and unfortunately don't own an ipad so just lay there. Came down this morning and realised my attempt to do the washing up last night whilst wearing sherry goggles was pretty dire. Yes I also need to go to Specsavers but am waiting for my NHS Exemption card thingy first.

whyme ewww to the walnut whip thing...I used to like them too!

Yes, I should have seen the signs all those years ago when I met him and he already had a dog that he was forever sending out of the room as he was "too demanding" and he only gave him a cursory pat when he felt like it and never walked him! Says it all really.

Need to make a plan now as dog walking not on the agenda any more...

1. Paint the house - no point as it's a rental and I painted it from top to bottom when I first moved in a year ago (the graffiti had to go)

1. Get a job - my part time job dried up a couple of months ago but might still resurrect. Would it be a good idea to get something full-time at this point or wait till after finances sorted as spent 18 out of 21 yrs being a SAHM? Tried walking into a charity shop to volunteer back end of last year and knew I'd burst into tears so need to be stronger before I face the minefield of CVs, WWID/what can I do work-wise etc. I realise being a mum give you loads of useful qualities equipping you for work.

1. Up my gym membership so I can go more than once a week (cost)

1. Just spend all day on MN and buy loads of box-set DVDs

Really I just think I have enough on my plate with the DDs.

green that was a good link re PA. I never realised I could label him as such as I didn't know it existed till about 2 years ago and it's spot on.

Just a thought to all and as WWK has already said, I think the way men act and seem not to care isn't necessarily so - rather a defence mechanism

bobs I assume you've had a good clear out already? That would be useful, if not.

Catch up with everyone later, back to the painting.

Meanwhile, the paperwork has come through re taking the plate off his car, which we are trading in for my replacement. Ooh excited! Would be good to get it before I go back to work

Yes I had a good clear out when we moved. However I do keep on having more clear-outs every so often.

Have you picked your car yet? exciting!

Green Not sure I agree with you that you are "bombarding [anyone] with information", you are reflecting on what's happened in your own marriage and your own self and you're recording what you've discovered. So I'm not criticising your intentions in anyway. After all, it's great learning new stuff and knowing it's helping to make sense of something - like traits within him, that you can 'see' now, that affected your own behaviour. How can that be a bad thing?

The problem with me Green is that I am naturally a very flippant person, so sometimes that means people think I'm not taking their contribution/themselves seriously and feel 'mocked'. I fear I have done this with your post?

Hobbit 'two weeks after he left' you were too angry to speak rationally? Huh? Huh? And he makes YOU feel bad about this? Bollocks to him. I agree you need to get out the words that swirl in your head, they need to be heard, so do think you're right to go back to counselling. KOKO.

thanks well bit of self doubt creeping back in & trying not to "assume" everyone thinks the same as I do

and no well didn't think that at all - so looks like we both have been "worked " on previously!

I have just realised that "twunt" is a complete and utter control freak! Every single issue that I have tried to "discuss" with him has either been "resolved" to suit him, will not be discussed any further - his decision, or is still "outstanding" due to him, either because he is ignoring emails, just refuses to address the issue or has provided some info but not enough to "resolve"- this ranges from issues form the dog to the business. this is all via email communication and as i said yesterday ticks off every single one of the PA traits!

No wonder my anxiety levels have been up the last few days - this is what i was working towards finding out!

I am gobsmacked and well you said about accommodating!

and any issue that has been dealt with by me like sorting out various outstanding jobs- the ceiling, the garden, the apple tv, DD ipad has been a bloody nightmare due to his reluctance or inability to let go & move on.

what a revelation - you know when you know what's going on & it then still smacks you in the face - that feeling!

I am now

something has dawned on me here too - these men are more emotionally attached to us than they would like to admit - we have all been involved in long relationships - there must be something in that - they may have moved on physically but we are still very much in their heads - the control is an emotional aspect which for some reason they cant let go off - this is all coming after reading that PA link - we women are detaching emotionally - i think I have also read something how women fair much better than men after divorce - all makes sense now

Urgh. Yes bobs, have agreed purchase, just got to pick it up from garage and trade in his car.

Meantime, got as usual a muted response from him. Ok good, great, shall I arrange pickup for Saturday? Fuck sake, firstly he knows I'm off this week and he's working "at home" a lot, so could go most times. Although Nutty Drawers is off too, so maybe he's on a lease. Maybe, understatement!! Secondly, he knocks every fucking bit of enthusiasm out of me. So fucking calm he's cold. I had actually forgotten all about that. Yeah, the flip side of people's personalities. Calm is cold. Oh drop dead you fucker. Well I've just sent a muted response back, whenever suits you blah blah. Fucking calm cold fucker. At least I have some life in me, some warmth. And at least people will remember me. All the people I work with for a start. I won't out myself work wise here so I will say no more. You're just a fucking financial machine dealing in shit that the average person has no understanding or interest in. Yeah that job that you gave up so much time to that you missed out on your kids growing up. And I spent being a single mum in all bar name. Well now I'm a single mum officially. And you know what....NOBODY MiSSES YOU HERE. Apart from the odd job that needs doing. But I'm gradually mastering those.

Ending the rant here. Plenty more to say but sod it

And breathe.......

something has dawned on me here too - these men are more emotionally attached to us than they would like to admit - we have all been involved in long relationships - there must be something in that - they may have moved on physically but we are still very much in their heads - the control is an emotional aspect which for some reason they cant let go off - this is all coming after reading that PA link - we women are detaching emotionally - i think I have also read something how women fair much better than men after divorce - all makes sense now

Men don't fare very well after divorce, Green, do a google search. I looked that up quite a time ago. Also the aspect of the likelihood of an affair lasting. Will post the second link in a min

affairadvice.wordpress.com/2012/12/09/do-affairs-end-up-in-successful-relationships-13/

So to all the twunts and bitches.....a dose of realism.

And to the rest of us......karma!

izzie - its just one thing after another isnt it

& i believe u will see a pattern too

that reaction in you - thats what he wanted - thats the emotional connection they still need

It certainly is! Although I'm feeling rather good that I no longer have to live with someone soooo bloody calm. I do wonder if he won the lottery whether he would just calmly file his ticket away and make a cup of tea.

& thats the thing we know whats going on - but our brain is playing catch up with itself!

i reckon I could file all my emails under the various categories of PA never mind kids, money house blah blah!

bet hes not clam really

bet its suppressed anger, resentment

Oh yes Green but he isn't getting the emotional backlash now. Oh no. I'm biting my tongue.

I saw something else recently online. Will try to find and post

i thought DH was calm too - then remembered the throwing things - the realised calmness was to turn me into screaming banshee now realise its suppressed anger - cos to get angry = losing control = weakness ( in his head)

next stage will be you cant physically speak when you want to & just get off word out

then comes the bit where you realise you have actually chosen not to speak as in my case last night!

bet he never thought hed see that!

next comes meh - whatever!! lets aks the judge!

Can't find that article. Oh well. Meantime, they realise the grass isn't greener. And they see the ex with the house, the kids etc and feel jealous. It quickly turns from being their swanning off into the sunset to being out on their ear. So I think they desperately try to control what is left of their old life. In my case, he's been very arsey about the financial stuff, and has resented me trying to take over. The best acknowledgment though was when he said he had to stop himself coming over on Xmas Day to see "my boys". This after I had made it clear to him that I did not expect him to visit next Boxing Day, as he had done this year. I made it clear to him that we, ie me and sons, didn't want a split Xmas, we wanted a family Xmas, and that didn't include him. I've just realised his really arsey emails, and possibly financial stud, happened after Xmas.

As WWK said, they will be doing a spot of faking. Think Facebook etc. what is that except a public image exercise??

Financial STUFF. I wouldn't know about stud, can't remember that far back. Yuk!