Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HOBBITS BAR - still finding it hard to move on ......(part 3)

999 replies

greenberet · 15/02/2015 12:08

here we go ladies & drifting dogs welcome too of the harvey kind!

grab your drinks - Brew, Wine and izzietinis dependant on time of day & how we are feeling

Original thread

Part two

anyone welcome, new, old, lurkers we share with you all.
no requirements re posting as & when, one offs, rants, extreme rants, blubbing we dont mind, we've done it all .

we like songs, we like pics, we like humour, we like the words "twunts" and "fuckwittery" & we send each other Flowers often!

Our motto KOKO and our theme tune

join us Smile

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
Hobbitwife001 · 17/02/2015 23:11

No Izzie, dysclaculia, sounds like some medical sexual anomaly! What's it mean ? Not two sets of balls then? :)

iwashappy · 17/02/2015 23:12

Hello Izzie, yes just seen your comment about dickhead, he's that alright. I have been reading but am struggling a lot bit at the moment and didn't want to bring the mood down.

Izzie595 · 17/02/2015 23:18

Hi iwas I gathered. I would rather you came on here and let it out. Don't worry about what is going on. You know how quickly the mood changes on here. I put a message of support on your thread today. your situation is totally ongoing. At least the rest of us don't have that close proximity, work etc. But I appreciate that being close can work to your advantage in seeing him for all he is. It can be easy to idolise them from afar.

Izzie595 · 17/02/2015 23:20

Oh Hobbit it's dyslexia but with numbers. That was a ref to WWKs twunt and his Dutch auction.....that is NOT a contraceptive device, BTW Grin

Izzie595 · 17/02/2015 23:24

You know what, I'm going to think about going to bed with the ipad sometime. And get the old TV put in my bedroom....eventually, when it's cleared and decorated. I'm rather liking the independence. In fact, if he stayed buggered off and just kept paying in the salary, popped I every now and again to do the odd job for me, I think that would be most satisfactory. Even better if he dumped Nutty Nora.

Colourmylife1 · 17/02/2015 23:24

iwas I'm so sorry that you're struggling at the moment. Hang on in there and it will pass. Each wobble takes us a step closer to healing.

Have you thought of a name change to Iwillbehappy.

Hobbitwife001 · 17/02/2015 23:25

Are you sureIzzie? I am sure I saw one of those in Mr Grey's red room of kinky crap, in Fifty Shades of Shite on Sunday :)

whyMe2014 · 17/02/2015 23:26

oh bobs..so sorry to hear about your dog. Sending big hugs. I've been there and was heartbroken.

When I met my stbxh my dog at the time hated him. I should have seen that as a sign.

Hobbit...two sets of balls....my stbxh shaved all his body hair off and it looked like a walnut whip! So no balls there then!

Since found out that he did that to make it look bigger on his internet profile...yuk!

iwashappy...I've been through a struggling period but happier mins/hours/days do come eventually. Don't worry about bringing the mood down...we're here to listen and be here for you when you're coming back up again.

xx

Izzie595 · 17/02/2015 23:27

Haha no you should have gone to Specsavers. Is the book actually worth a read?

iwashappy · 17/02/2015 23:28

Thank you Izzie, I appreciated your post. It's just the realisation that he really can't give a toss about me to have done/be doing what he is. I'm still breaking my heart over him and I doubt he even gives me a second thought. I hate what he has done, but I can't hate him and I wish that I could. I can't mean anything to him at all and I'm struggling with that.

Izzie595 · 17/02/2015 23:30

Why yuk indeed. Been wondering how you are. Keep in touch x

Izzie595 · 17/02/2015 23:34

iwas!he got caught out. He's angry at you for ending the marriage. If he could turn the clock back, he would. You can't get over 25 years of marriage in a few months, and you can't just switch off your feelings. He has t got things his own way, he is salvaging what he can from the wreckage.

Izzie595 · 17/02/2015 23:41

iwas he compartmentalised throughout your marriage. He didn't do it to hurt you. He didn't think he would get caught. Those are his values....what the eye don't see the heart don't grieve over. I'm not saying it's right, I'm saying that's how it was.

iwashappy · 17/02/2015 23:50

Thank you Colour, I just want all these feelings to go but they're not. I hope you enjoyed your break. I seem to be known as iwas so I think I need to keep the first bit of my name. iwasmarriedtoadickhead sounds good right now! I hope you are feeling okay.

Whyme yuk sounds right. Read your thread update, pleased you had a good day with your girls. Thank you for your support and for listening, everyone is so lovely on here xx

Izzie I don't know if he would turn the clock back. He doesn't exactly seem to be mourning our marriage, he seemed to get over it the day I ended it by going to OW.

Bloody Sid's on the telly, great!

Hobbitwife001 · 17/02/2015 23:53

Oh fucking hell Whyme, he is the cuntiest cunt in the whole of cuntland! You are so well shot of him my love, so glad you're feeling better in body and mind, enjoy your lovely girls this week, and have lots of fun. I will never eat a walnut whip again without thinking of that image, thanks for that :(

Iwas, it's just your "turn" for a bit of a rough time, you will come back up, you've done so well in such a difficult series of events. Just talk to us and let all your feelings and thoughts flow out, it's like lancing a boil, a Parker sized horrible pustular eruption< there's another lovely image > just think of that when you have to deal with some fresh shit he decides to pull, take care my lovely, x

Izzie595 · 17/02/2015 23:58

He doesn't exactly seem to be mourning our marriage, he seemed to get over it the day I ended it by going to OW

He was never going to be by himself. Not by choice. And he had one. He was always going to make the best of what he had.

Sid on TV, that laugh.....

It's entirely natural for your self confidence to be at an all time low. But try to recognise it as such. He was a very silly man who let his dick rule his head. He got caught out, got chucked out. And, survivor that he is, he tries to salvage what he can. That's how I see his story.

whyMe2014 · 18/02/2015 00:01

how do you know i went to Specsavers...now wearing varifocals...so my eyesight was shit when I was with him! So therefore I didn't actually see any of his deception!

iwas....it is heard when you start to realise that they don't give a fig for the pain or the damage they have caused us. All the years amount to nothing. I still can't see how any normal person can switch off their emotions so fast and then be so vindictive towards the person they have hurt.

I still have feelings for my stbxh but i know that I shouldn't but then I am a decent, loyal, loving person who took my marriage vows seriously..he on the other hand thinks he can walk away after 23 years with no responsibilites and go straight to his new pot noodle family.

He told my eldest daughter that 'he was unhappy and he had no choice' but to go to the ow. I told her that adults do have choices and cheating is morally wrong.

izzie...you're right they do seem to compartmentalised their lives. Iam in the past and the ow has just replaced me completely. I have been erased from his life.

Hobbitwife001 · 18/02/2015 00:02

No, Izzie avoid the books like the plague! In fact I wish E L James would get the,plague for writing such pish:)

I only went cause I've got the horn for Jamie Dornan hope he hasn't ruined his career by deciding to play ''Mr Grey " your friendly neighbourhood billionaire damaged EA dominant.

Izzie595 · 18/02/2015 00:04

Hobbit is right, iwas, come over here and vent. All you need to think about is the here and now. You are doing just fine, as we said. You will reach a resolution in your own time. Same as the rest of us. There is no pressure to do so now or in the immediate future.

And when I say come over here and vent....well you are part of this thread anyway! And I think a general thread gives you a different perspective from the intensity of your own. On here you can sit back a bit, iykwim

whyMe2014 · 18/02/2015 00:06

hobbit...apologies for the walnut whip thing! :)

Izzie595 · 18/02/2015 00:19

I'm heading up now, ladies. Meantime, iwas maybe you would feel differently about counselling now? I can't comment, I've never been. But some on the thread seem to swear by it. Just a thought.

Well I'm off to dream of painting. Boring but safe! KOKO xx

iwashappy · 18/02/2015 00:31

He did hurt me though Izzie and he still is. How did I get my judgement so wrong that I married someone with those values and never realised before now. Even if he could turn back the clock he would turn it back to making sure he deleted his texts to OW he wouldn't turn it back so that he never cheated on me as he'd have to turn it back a bloody long time.

Hobbit thank you, pleased you are feeling a bit better today. That Parker size boil image is horrible!! but it did make me smile so thank you. I am just so fed up of dealing with all of this, it feels like it is never going to go away. If I don't want him how can he still be hurting me like this.

Izzie I totally understand what you are saying but it feels like he is more than making the best of it. He seems happy with her, I feel like nothing to him. I feel that after 25 years of what I thought was a happy marriage that he should at least seem bothered that it is over especially as it was my decision not his. But he's just moved straight on, he's with his "girlfriend" now and he will be in her bed right now and I doubt he's even thinking about me let alone missing me. He's probably shagged her and she's in his arms while he's fast asleep without a care in the world while I'm sobbing my heart out.

iwashappy · 18/02/2015 00:59

Whyme I obviously need stronger glasses as well!

I suppose that is what I am struggling with at the moment, how he can switch his emotions off so quickly. The only reason I can think of is because he doesn't care and probably never loved me the way I did him. He couldn't have done to have cheated on me as much as he did.

I've read a lot on here about how a man's behaviour often changes when he is cheating which is partly down to guilt. I didn't even get that, no guilt, no change of behaviour, no nothing. He didn't even care enough to act guilty.

I quite understand about still having feelings for your ex. It feels like you shouldn't do, how the hell can you still love someone who has done what they have but the feelings don't just switch off. I feel replaced too. I think it is why I am being stubborn about not moving out of the house and still working with him because I know that as soon as I go she will replace me in my home and my job too and I won't let her take over my entire life.

Thank you Izzie. I know I have made progress but I just want it to be quicker as I have had enough of feeling like this now. Yes I do think I can sit back a bit on here, thanks.

I still don't think counselling is for me. Just having a rough trot at the moment, been here before and I daresay will again.

Thanks for all your support, sleep well. xx

WellWhoKnew · 18/02/2015 01:05

Hello all, THIS IS YOUR MOTHER TALKING, subject to Hobbit/Green's/everyone's approval, in my opinion, I think this thread absolutely must be the first place where we all safely can say at any time: "Shit This Is Hard" and we can interrupt whatever else is going on, knowing that in this context, it is NOT rude to interrupt but welcomed.

In my humble opinion as resident simpleton, this should be the first (and only!) rule of Hobbit's Bar (not by decree) and posters especially, who are having a 'dip' remind themselves and then post a 'shit this is hard' post. Because it represents our day(s) that we can still laugh but not necessary find anything funny today because 'shit this is hard!'.

Something about your situation Iwas and my 'shit' day got me pondering this particularly...

You know one of the cliches (don't know how to do accented 'e' - must learn) of divorce is 'Fake it to you make it'. So if we are all doing this (outwardly) then I wonder if it is safe to assume 'they' are all doing it too? So what you're reading as 'callous/cold/indifferent' may be just as much an act in Sid as it is with you/me/next person? I'm still of the opinion that Sid's of the 'lemonade mentality' in the first place - can't bear being single/alone with himself, whereas, although many of us are hurting, we are all quietly started to find some things can be really enjoyable about our independence. Some people just can't tolerate being alone.

One of the things I struggle with (some days) is I think "Oh, I must tell MrSW this' or 'MrSW would find this funny' and then I have to check myself and remind me that he left the building a long time ago. The man I married did have some qualities in the first place, I just didn't realise how goddamned awful his values were because he hid them, and also because I was of the 'you've made your bed mentality'. And because I value loyalty and commitment, and I totally fucked up marrying a coward, who is an arse.

There you go, I'm in a pondersome mood. On the plus, I dragged my shit day into this evening and went to the pub quiz and we won. I think I may have even supplied one of the answers, which is a very rare thing.

whyMe2014 · 18/02/2015 01:58

WWK...how did you get to be so wise? You seem to get things spot on. MrSW was lucky to have even met you let alone married you. You deserve, as well all do, so much more than these pathetic creatures have given us in the past. They are morally corrupt.

iwas...It does feel like they are taking over your life. But I suppose if that's the case they are also taking on cheating husbands who will do it all over again.

My biggest fear is the ow replacing me in my childrens lives. Some days it scares the hell out of me.

I don't think my stbxh will ever be happy. He's supposedly got what he wanted...a younger woman (with a little boy...we only had girls!) with a large chest (he always told me I needed surgery), his beloved Audi car (long story), designer clothes (he now looks like a pimp!), still strangely hairless (walnut whip!) etc etc so he should be enjoying life. Then why doesn't he bloody leave me alone!

Apologies just felt like a rant. And on that note I should really go to bed.

xx

Swipe left for the next trending thread