Apparently, as we all sat down to do the paperwork, it was reported that MrSW was 'very angry and distressed' about today's events.
I just said 'good'.
Sorry, perhaps I should have said something more kindly.
**On a serious note, and to make a point as myself: Without humour. Never is a thread more true than this one:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody
I have (mostly) come to terms in the months he’s been away to the fact that my whole marriage was a lie. There has been a lot of thinking, pondering and counselling. There has been some ‘woo’ too.
I know now, because of MN, WA, my counsellor, and my friends, old and new, that it can never be my responsibility for him unilaterally, and without my knowledge or consent, abusing not just me, but others.
The behaviour he has indulged in, I have always had very clear views about. The sickening irony is that I used to work in the field of human rights.
I talked, just a bit, quite factually, to SHB and SHL about some of the worst of it. Not in a ‘woe-is-me’ sense but an observation that if this can happen to me, it can happen to anyone kind of thing.
They both said: yep.
So, if you ever, ever want to understand 'how this happens' then you can ask me. I am a very intelligent, eloquent (non swearing if needs must) woman. Probably not as bright and as articulate as SHL and SHB (definitely not as legally savvy!). Both of whom, said yep: “Been there, got the T-shirt”
Both of whom said: not all men are bastards though. There’s a legal system. You gotta accept it. It has no time for emotion.
The other bitter reality – my guess is that he fought so long and so hard to not give me bank disclosure, because, I suppose he wanted to spare himself (I doubt he thinks of me at all) the ignominy that his sordid secrets would be revealed.
It may also be, as I testified, that he truly does believe that it’s one rule for him, quite another for me.
Something I have always struggled with privately is continuing to write the “Dear STBXH threads”. I suppose, I cannot now call it my kryptonite – the first true ‘public’ acknowledgment, aside from what I told a solicitor, that I was in a lot of trouble: desperately heart-broken, weak and clueless.
It truly saved me from the pit of despair over time. It became my manna, I suppose. Or rather you did.
No one deserves to be laughed, mocked or ridiculed as a rule in life...but there are a few exceptions.
He is my exception.
In my humble opinion:
You don’t leave a person in such a sudden, planned and deceptive manner, having formed them into a shell of themselves; having destroyed their self-esteem; isolated them, by lying and lying and lying to them about what you were doing with not just ‘your’ money, but all the money and savings she ever had accumulated too, which you controlled, and which you assured her was being spent ‘wisely’.
And you don’t treat your own family in such contempt.
You don’t get to runaway and tell her to ‘get over it’.
And expect her not to. But, at the same time, not to.
She will. When she’s goddamned good and ready, on her terms and with a lot of help from friends and family. New and old.
He really can just fuck off.
Amen.
The real full facts of this story will never be told. Quite simply because there’s rules about this. They be called laws. All family proceedings are subject to those strict laws. He has the right to privacy and the right to live his life peaceably.
So do I.
The rules are the same for both of us.
But he does not have the right to bully me either. I’m glad I stood up, in my own way, to the divorce, that I never asked for. Never wanted. And never saw coming.
And I’m glad we did. Thank you all. Very much. WWK.