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Original poster

Help! Can somebody give an opinion on my Guardian Solulmates profile?

195 replies

Goingincircles1 · 08/02/2015 13:29

I joined last week. Sent 5 messages since then and no replies, got 3 messages from awful men Sad ok maybe not awful but mildly sexist and not attractive at all. Also have been liked by 3 similar people.

I'm clearly doing something wrong so could somebody help me out and tell me what it might be?

Feeling mildly panicked!

OP posts:
Leviticus · 08/02/2015 13:34

Can you link to it?

What sort of person would you like to meet?

Cantbelievethisishappening · 08/02/2015 13:34

Ok.
But bear in mind it's probably nothing to do with your profile. ID is a minefield. You only joined last week so very early days yet.
It takes time, effort and a thick skin Smile

brightreddress · 08/02/2015 13:35

Can you put a link? I will have a look.

Selks · 08/02/2015 13:37

This is what internet dating is like...don't take it personally! You need the thick skin of a rhino to do ID...there are so many chancers and sleazebags out there.

Happy to review your profile though, if you want to link to it.

Original poster
Goingincircles1 · 08/02/2015 13:40

I shall do a link! One sec until I work out how..

OP posts:
Original poster
Goingincircles1 · 08/02/2015 13:41

soulmates.theguardian.com/profile/52a12c47e4b00ea86e599597

OP posts:
DontKillMyVibe · 08/02/2015 13:42

Are you sure you want to put your link on an open forum? Maybe just PM it to a few people?

DontKillMyVibe · 08/02/2015 13:42

... Oops, I was too late! Will have a look now

gymboywalton · 08/02/2015 13:44

right, your picture isn't the best - you need something smilier.

you also say you are after a man or a woman? is that correct?

Original poster
Goingincircles1 · 08/02/2015 13:44

I don't mind about it being a link on an open forum Smile I have nothing there that I would care about being known here, if that makes sense!

OP posts:
Original poster
Goingincircles1 · 08/02/2015 13:46

Gymboy, I don't have many photos to choose from that are just of me. I'm not sure if you're a member or not but I have a smiley one in my gallery (can't use it as a profile pic as it's me and a friend).

Yes, I am interested in meeting men or women.

OP posts:
DontKillMyVibe · 08/02/2015 13:48

I can't read more than a few lines of your profile as it states that I have to join to read more. From what I can see I can't see anything wrong with it or you! Smile

Maybe it's just Guardian soulmates. Have never heard of anyone having much like on that site. Perhaps join another one?

Though as a previous poster said it's still early days and I would continue to message people that you like the look/sound of.

UpNorthAgain · 08/02/2015 13:48

OP it's not you, it's them. My six month subscription to GSM is nearly up and I won't be renewing. I've had the same experience as you - lazy 'hi, how are you' type messages from sleazebags with no photo, obviously hoping for a sh@g, and completely ignored by anyone I've messaged. 80% of the men only seem to want to meet women younger than they are (and it's not as if they are God's gift themselves, often). At a pinch they might stretch to someone only one year younger, but the same age - no way! A depressingly large number of them seem to refer to 'girls' rather than women, say they miss 'intimacy' [barfing face], and there was one recently who thought 'ladies' might prefer not to go walking in case they messed ther hair up! There's a weekly column (ironically) in the Guardian at the moment about a middle aged woman and her online dating experiences; read it and it will reassure you.

I've decided to give up OLD and become a cat lady instead.

gymboywalton · 08/02/2015 13:49

can you take a selfie? you are very pretty and would look mopre attractive/approachable if you were looking at the camera and smiling

no not a member sorry

brightreddress · 08/02/2015 13:50

I'm not a member so could only see a bit but it's not bad. I think different picture, one where you're obviously smiling or looking at the camera would be good.

SelfLoathing · 08/02/2015 13:51

Sent 5 messages since then and no replies

I'm inferring you are a straight woman looking for a man?

If so, then you need to remember that just like the real world, men are quite visual and focussed on appearance. It may also sound a bit antiquated but they are also (For the most part) culturally hard wired to do the chasing; if you initiate it takes away a bit of the chasing fun. The other point is that men know that they are expected to email (and assume women receive lots of emails) so if you are initiating yourself it looks a bit desperate.

So sending messages yourself is a bit of a waste of time as you are setting yourself up for rejection. A lot of men (and women too for that matter) have physical types - eg. if a man has a "thing" for short curvy brunettes, it won't matter if you are the world's most accomplished tall skinny blonde, he just won't be interested initially at all.

Make sure:

  1. you have a flattering recent photo that looks like you.
  2. your profile is positive, upbeat and short. Nothing angsty or negative or anything about recent break ups etc.
  3. be active on the site so you come to the attention of guys - how you do this depends on the site settings. Most list people by most recent log ons. But regularly changing your photo can help too (just switch between the same two). Browse through guys profiles and have your settings so they can see you looked.

You want a lot of guys to see your picture so that you will be seen by a proportion who find you attractive and are interested in you. Eg. for every (say) 100 men that see a photo of a woman, maybe 25 would find her attractive to look at the profile, of those maybe 10 may think they have something in common and 5 may think there is enough of a match to email. It's about numbers.

Original poster
Goingincircles1 · 08/02/2015 13:52

Oh my god yes Upnorthagain!!! What is the fucking deal with all these men calling you girls or ladies or missy?

I will check out the column in the Guardian!

OP posts:
SelfLoathing · 08/02/2015 13:54

I've looked at your link now.

I agree, change your photo - look at the camera and be smiling.

Your intro text from what I can read sounds waaaay too serious and introspective. It also says very little about YOU. Most people would say they value kindness. Most people would say they are sociable.

It needs to be a bit more upbeat and fun.

Lead with a couple of interests you are passionate about.

Original poster
Goingincircles1 · 08/02/2015 13:56

SelfLoathing, thank you for taking the time to post that but unfortunately if a man is the type to feel threatened by my messaging him first then I'm quite glad he's not replying to me.

OP posts:
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 08/02/2015 13:56

I agree re:photo

Your link says you are looking fir a man or a woman. Is that correct?

brightreddress · 08/02/2015 13:57

I agree about the too serious thing. Say a few facts about yourself that are more concrete: I'm a Londoner / I'm an academic / I've been single for three months etc.

MrsTawdry · 08/02/2015 13:58

You're very attractive OP....when you've put up a more smiley pic you should be inundated!

Original poster
Goingincircles1 · 08/02/2015 13:58

My profile does go on to say stuff in that vein - that I think it's important to always have time to have fun, to keep learning and that I love horses and have two back in Ireland where I'm from Smile

OP posts:
MrsTawdry · 08/02/2015 13:58

Also...you might need a slightly more "groomed" look with regards to your hair....it looks a bit unbrushed there.

Cantbelievethisishappening · 08/02/2015 13:59

Change your picture..... Post one of you looking at the camera, preferably smiling. How many images do you have on your profile? Try to have three or four if possible. Spend a bit of time with a friend taking some shots and choose the best ones.
Can't see beyond the first few lines as need to join to read the rest.

Nothing wrong at all in sending messages first. This will not make you look desperate. ID is a fairly level playing field in that respect. Plenty of women send first messages.

Keep messages short but make reference to something in their profile.... you may find something you both have in common.