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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help! Can somebody give an opinion on my Guardian Solulmates profile?

195 replies

Goingincircles1 · 08/02/2015 13:29

I joined last week. Sent 5 messages since then and no replies, got 3 messages from awful men Sad ok maybe not awful but mildly sexist and not attractive at all. Also have been liked by 3 similar people.

I'm clearly doing something wrong so could somebody help me out and tell me what it might be?

Feeling mildly panicked!

OP posts:
Original poster
Goingincircles1 · 08/02/2015 14:26

Interesting on the 'nearest and dearest' as my family all live in Ireland and I hardly see them, we stay in touch by phone - so no threat of forced Sunday lunches! Grin Will amend to something different. I do love my friends and they are very important to me, but if this is such a given then fine I won't include that.

Don't know what to do about the man or woman preference though. It feels dishonest if I choose one, and dishonesty doesn't seem like a good way to get off to a good start with any potential partner.

I HATED plenty of fish! Yes lots of messages, mostly one word or one line. It was truly depressing. So will stick with GS for now!

OP posts:
pinkfrocks · 08/02/2015 14:26

Your biggest problem here is not the photo, the profile text, but the Man/ Woman gender stuff.

Many people will think it's a typo anyway- and those who don't won't know what you want.

Original poster
Goingincircles1 · 08/02/2015 14:30

Pinkfrocks, I'm not defending anything Confused I was explaining my rationale behind my profile!

And I am also not confusing anything regarding philosophy and philosophical Hmm The use of the word philosophical can mean trying to look at a bigger picture when facing challenges of all sorts. I'm not sure what you're nitpicking at?

OP posts:
NoArmaniNoPunani · 08/02/2015 14:35

I met my DH on plenty of fish so I'm probably biased towards it.

pinkfrocks · 08/02/2015 14:37

It was clear what you were meaning by what you included in your profile- no explanation required.

But I still say you should never use the word 'philosophical' about yourself in a profile. It could imply 'Treat me like dirt and I don't care, I'll suck it up because I am philosophical'.

OTOH, I know of men who have included Philosophy in their profiles as an interest because they read philosophy or go to classes on it, and are genuinely able to discuss the topic.

It's not nit-picking it's about stopping you coming over as a prat.

CaptainHolt · 08/02/2015 14:39

The man/woman thing is something you can tell people once you've started chatting, but I think you will struggle to get to that stage unless you narrow it down to start with.
You will not get a woman if you say you will have either, so you may as well change it to man.

If your heart sunk slightly at the thought of that then change it to woman

I know a few people who have done well on Pink Sofa.

SelfLoathing · 08/02/2015 14:45

Another option would be to have two profiles - one women focussed and one man focussed and then at the bottom say in the text that you are bisexual - so there is no misleading.

Original poster
Goingincircles1 · 08/02/2015 14:49

Pinkfrocks, I'm slightly baffled at your posts - so far you have made references to my being uneducated, stubborn, unwilling to listen, dim and now being a prat. And backpedalling when I pointed out that I had in fact used 'philosophical' in a correct way.

I won't tolerate being spoken to like this, so will not be engaging with you again on this.

Thanks to everyone for replying. It's becoming clear that there's an issue over the photo and over the man/ woman thing. Need to figure these out.

OP posts:
QueenBean · 08/02/2015 14:55

Self loathing gives excellent advise

The photo needs to be changed, you look very serious and unkempt - brush your hair.

The first paragraph is also way too serious - you don't come across as fun at all. "Curious and philosophical" would read "boring and unapproachable" and as though you think a lot of yourself

Sorry to be harsh, I'm sure you're very nice but I'd never message you if I was on there

QueenBean · 08/02/2015 14:55

*advice! Not advise

Sickoffrozen · 08/02/2015 14:56

Your description isn't going to attract hordes of blokes. It's a bit niche. I also don't think your picture is the best you could have come
up with either.

You have to remember that blokes have loads of choice on these sites so you really have to sell yourself well both in picture and words.

I clicked on the link for the most popular on the Times Encounters site and can see why the first two are proving popular with fellas.

Original poster
Goingincircles1 · 08/02/2015 15:03

Interesting! Thank you. I feel like I'll be misrepresenting myself if I cook up a very jaunty bubbly profile? So I feel a bit mixed up about what I could do, that wouldn't feel dishonest. I could write about enjoying going out for drinks or dancing which is more light hearted, but to me that's just run of the mill like saying I go to Tesco's, generic and boring to talk about in a profile. I appreciate I am probably looking at this the wrong way??

I am possibly way too serious for the world of online dating, I don't get it Grin

OP posts:
Seriouslyffs · 08/02/2015 15:04

I'd use thoughtful instead of philosophical to describe what you've said you mean by philosophical.

pinkfrocks · 08/02/2015 15:06

If you can't see that putting 'philosophical' in the first line of your profile gives an odd impression then that is worrying.
Your attitude to the whole thing is too earnest. You come over as earnest and overly serious which is very offputting.
If you post on a public forum then you can't react having a hissy fit saying 'you won't be spoken to like this or that'- it's what sometimes happens.

I accept my posts to you were blunt but that is because you seemed to ignore the points people - not only me- were making and were unable to appreciate how you came over in your profile. I didn't actually say you were dim or a prat- I said if you used words in your profile that were should we say 'ambiguous' in meaning, then you were in danger of looking silly, especially on a site like GSM where educated types may well have Firsts from Oxbridge in Philosophy. It was a tiny point really, but you whole profile doesn't do you any favours.

You need to lighten up and realise that you are 'selling yourself' because you do come over as very serious which most people will find off puyting on a profile.

Pandora37 · 08/02/2015 15:08

I agree re the photo. IME, men like women who look friendly and approachable which that photo doesn't really convey. I'd suggest maybe even putting a full body photo in, or at least somewhere on your profile as a lot of men are going to want to see your shape/size before they reply (sad but true).

The bisexual thing is difficult. I'm bisexual and I have never had a man put off it by it so I don't agree with that. There is however a big misconception out there about bisexual women that we're well...slutty. Some men will have that stereotype in their heads. You will definitely attract knobbers who automatically think that means you must be up for threesomes. It sounds like you are mainly interested in men so I would be tempted to get rid of it and tell them later. That said, I wouldn't like hiding who I am either. I agree it will put lesbian women off but I don't think it would necessarily put other bisexual women off. I would happily date a bisexual woman. (I would happily date a bisexual man as well so having a profile saying they were looking for both wouldn't put me off at all but I think you'll have to accept that it will rightly or wrongly put some people off). I think maybe change other things about your profile first and if that still doesn't work then change it. But you'll just have to be prepared that you will get sexual messages or some straight men thinking you're a slag. But that's no loss as you wouldn't want to be with that kind of man anyway right.

I also agree that your opening lines are very generic and could be applied to anybody. Could you get a friend to describe you and base it on that? Or make it more about what makes you unique. I know it's hard writing stuff like this but I think you need to make it clear who you are and what you're looking for. I'd get rid of the let's see what happens thing - that could easily be misconstrued by knobbers that you're up for casual sex.

You want to present your best face on here so I would get a flattering outfit that you feel confident in, and take a nice photograph with you smiling. Definitely smile. I understand feeling like a knob but I really do think smiling is very important. I'd also cut yourself a bit of slack. You've only been on there a week! I've known people who have been on sites for MONTHS before they got a decent date. OD is really cut throat and it is very easy to over look profiles. Hopefully, once you've got several decent photos on there, are more specific about what you're looking for and have made your profile less generic you'll have some success. :)

QueenBean · 08/02/2015 15:12

You need a nice smiley picture of you in the sunshine / a bar somewhere and others with friends

Use a filter if you need to to make it more attractive

Do NOT take a selfie and use that - when I Internet dated photos like yours and selfies really put me off because it looks like you have no friends so no one to take a nice pic

I was the top contacted poster for a while and the pic was in a white dress on a beach, with a tan, a big smile and friends on the edge of the pic. Other pics were of travelling / doing interests, always smiling, always looking like I was around people and approachable.

Sickoffrozen · 08/02/2015 15:13

Put about dancing and going out for drinks. That's exactly what men want to hear! They want someone who comes across as fun as well as someone who takes life seriously. Get the dates first then you can be yourself.

JeanSeberg · 08/02/2015 15:14

Never heard the word anthrosexual before. What's the difference between that and bi-sexual?

Original poster
Goingincircles1 · 08/02/2015 15:14

Pinkfrocks, I am not having a hissy fit at you - I am simply not discussing my original questions with you any longer because you don't seem capable of balanced discussion. I can use a word in a correct context that happens to differ from the meaning you got from it. I am touched you are going so far as to worry about me though Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Goingincircles1 · 08/02/2015 15:15

QueenBean, one of my other photos is me and a friend, I wasn't able to use it because it had to be just me?

OP posts:
CheeseBored · 08/02/2015 15:16

It's hard work. I've not been successful yet, so keep on keeping on OP.

Would anyone like to critique my profile, if I PM you? Smile I've never sought opinions on it so might be helpful.

Original poster
Goingincircles1 · 08/02/2015 15:17

Plus wow QueenBean congrats on being the top contacted poster!!! Smile

OP posts:
QueenBean · 08/02/2015 15:18

No don't use a picture of two of you as your profile or people won't know which is you

But do use pictures where it's clear that you're around people - ie a nice normal person who has friends!

CaptainHolt · 08/02/2015 15:19

I've had men put off by my bisexuality, it does happen unless they thought it was kinder than saying 'I just don't like you'

Original poster
Goingincircles1 · 08/02/2015 15:22

Anthrosexual = attracted to people. I am uncomfortable with the binary implication of the bisexual label, so tend to avoid it. I like the person first and foremost, their gender doesn't really feature in that process. Not that their gender isn't important as part of their identity as part of what makes us who we are.

Sorry if I'm rambling, I'm dealing with a diabetic hypo at the moment and my brain isn't working at full speed!

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