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Original poster

Help! Can somebody give an opinion on my Guardian Solulmates profile?

195 replies

Goingincircles1 · 08/02/2015 13:29

I joined last week. Sent 5 messages since then and no replies, got 3 messages from awful men Sad ok maybe not awful but mildly sexist and not attractive at all. Also have been liked by 3 similar people.

I'm clearly doing something wrong so could somebody help me out and tell me what it might be?

Feeling mildly panicked!

OP posts:
Original poster
Goingincircles1 · 08/02/2015 15:23

Ha at CaptainHolt! Grin

No, sadly I think biphobia is a thing.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 08/02/2015 15:24

I'd get a different photo. And why have you said you want to meet men or women. I don't think that's a good idea on this kind of site. And I'd cut out the word philosophical. Sounds much to serious and could attract weirdie types.

OnlyLovers · 08/02/2015 15:24

you might need a slightly more "groomed" look with regards to your hair....it looks a bit unbrushed there. Hmm

they are also (For the most part) culturally hard wired to do the chasing Hmm

Put about dancing and going out for drinks. That's exactly what men want to hear! Hmm

God, this is depressing.

I wouldn't be in the least bit interested in a Neanderthal man who was overly concerned about any or all of those things.

sansucre · 08/02/2015 15:27

I just wanted to say about that I agree with the poster who mentions about men not liking it when women send the first message. I actually agree with this. I'm did some online dating last year and was sent well over 5000 messages which must prove I'm attractive, interesting and men want to get to know me. Yet the few dozen messages I sent when I first started were always ignored. It's quite strange actually.
That said, there was one guy who kept looking at my profile and but never messaged me, and in the end I messaged him. It turns out he didn't want to message me because he lived abroad a lot of the time and my profile said I wasn't interested in long-distance. And yes, you guessed it, we got together!

I also think you need to find some time to take a far more approachable picture. You're pretty but you're not highlighting this particularly well. Men are highly visual. For the most part, they just look at pictures, your age and often don't bother to even read a single word you've written before messaging you.

I first used GSM when it first started years and years ago. The quality of men back then was infinitely better and I met some great men. When I went back to online dating last year, I noticed the men on there were dreadful and seemed to be a terrible mix of sexist and Daily Mail type men almost as bad as those to be found on PoF, most of whom didn't want to date women who were remotely in the same age bracket as them. I don't use GSM anymore and won't be using it again.
I think you'll have far more luck on somewhere like OkCupid. Ok, you'll probably have to ignore a lot of dross but given your age, your outlook and that you like both men and women, I think you'll meet someone like minded.

Lastly, and most importantly, online dating is a numbers game and often a question of taking your time. Someone will turn up! Just relax, sit back and enjoy! (And laugh at the horrendous men who message you! I used to shout at the screen 'as if' in the manner of Cher from Clueless every time someone awful messaged me!)

Pandora37 · 08/02/2015 15:28

Interesting CaptainHolt. You've reminded me that I had a friend who was bi and she had some men who were really nasty to her about it and insulted her. I guess because I don't disclose it to many people, only to those who are already close to me or I've at least got to know a bit it hasn't been an issue.

MrsTawdry · 08/02/2015 15:28

I think you're bloody attractive Circles I think you're lovely. If I was looking, which I'm not I would be attracted to you. Grin

UpNorthAgain · 08/02/2015 15:38

Going, I think you are right about POF. My friend found lots of the responses vapid, and when he tried to engage the respondents in email chat it was as if they didn't know how to hold a conversation. Ironically, we were on holiday together when he first joined POF, and later that week a nice young man tried to pick my friend up when he was just sitting minding his own business on a bench Confused

sansucre · 08/02/2015 15:38

Just noticed Queenbean's post! I was also in GSM most popular list 3 times, and top position once! None of my pictures ever showed me doing outdoors stuff, with other people, on holiday or smiling. In fact, all my pictures I'd taken of myself as I hate others taking my pictures - I even talked about this in my profile!

It's fair to say that there obviously isn't a hard and fast rule about pictures at all other than use ones that show yourself in the most flattering light :)

UpNorthAgain · 08/02/2015 15:39

Sorry, I meant Circles. Where did Going come from?? Blush

UpNorthAgain · 08/02/2015 15:40

Oh God, I've just made things worse by posting a correction. Nurse - my tablets!

Cantbelievethisishappening · 08/02/2015 15:44

I'm did some online dating last year and was sent well over 5000 messages

Grin Grin

SelfLoathing · 08/02/2015 15:46

wouldn't be in the least bit interested in a Neanderthal man who was overly concerned about any or all of those things.

It's hardly Neanderthal to be attracted to someone who looks attractive and looks after themselves.

Any more than it is to prefer people who are physically in shape over those who are obese. Or people who are hygienic over those who smell and are unwashed.

etc etc.

Ultimately OLD is a buyers game. And it is a game. If you want to succeed, it is easier if you go for the law of averages.

Sure if you put up (this is NOT directed at you OP) an ugly picture of you looking unkempt and your profile is dull and tedious, you may find a "non-Neanderthal man" who some how happens across your picture, not withstanding he's not that impressed STILL then opens your profile, THEN reads the WHOLE thing and THEN discovers you are both skateboarding Mozart loving carnivores who love sky diving AND you are soulmates.

But life is not like that. As I said above, OLD is fast and brutal. There are a lot of people and it's like buying a car - a car that looks smart and clean will get more interest and a dirty old banger covered in mud. The banger may be a better buy but no one will ever find out as they don't bother to look as there are too many nice sleak smart ones around.

DontKillMyVibe · 08/02/2015 15:48

What's so funny about that can't believe? Hmm

If the poster is attractive in a big city like London I can well believe it. Am sure 4,988 of them were from knobs but still

Original poster
Goingincircles1 · 08/02/2015 15:48

I think I will both experiment with some selfies and get friends to try to get a few shots of me too, and see what comes out best! The last good selection of photos is from New Year's Eve, where I had a fabulous time and am smiling away, but unfortunately was also recovering from a pretty severe virus and look like death warmed up, further complimented by my red wine teeth Grin

OP posts:
Cantbelievethisishappening · 08/02/2015 15:51

Dont
I found that line amusing. Is that ok with you?

SelfLoathing · 08/02/2015 15:52

I don't really do OLD any more but I have also been in top 10 most popular profiles.

That profile (that was in the top 10) was one that had a close up head shot of me smiling directly at the camera and the spirit of my profile (which I periodically changed to see what worked - and try this too Circles - experiment with different profile styles/photos etc) was relaxed and not taking it too seriously.

That got the most attention. But it's a balance between getting the most attention and the right attention for you. There is no point in getting lots of messages from party animals if you are looking for a book worm.

It's trial and error. Honestly, I would definitely look through the most popular ones and pick and choose from those the features that appeal to you and reflect you.

SelfLoathing · 08/02/2015 15:54

Please goingincircles NO SELFIES.

If you take nothing else from this thread, please make sure your photo is a nice smiling flattering one not taken by you.

It will look better. Loads better.

Original poster
Goingincircles1 · 08/02/2015 15:59

Ok, will rope a friend into a photography session!

I definitely don't want to attract party animals. Been there and done that. I still enjoy going out until early morning and the first tube home sometimes, but I certainly don't want to do that every weekend.

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OnlyLovers · 08/02/2015 16:08

Self, the OP may not be smiling in her picture, or surrounded by other people, but she looks attractive. And just because her hair doesn't look like she's just had it cut and blow-dried does not mean she doesn't look like she looks after herself. She looks lovely in that photo, IMO. It's certainly not an 'ugly' picture and she does not look 'unkempt'.

I don't think her profile is 'dull and tedious' either.

SelfLoathing · 08/02/2015 16:17

IMO. It's certainly not an 'ugly' picture and she does not look 'unkempt'.

FFS I expressly said that my post was NOT about the OP.

I was exaggerating to make a point that it's all about getting people to open the profile.

OnlyLovers · 08/02/2015 16:23

Fine. I stand by the rest of my post though; she looks neither unattractive nor as if she doesn't take care of herself.

Roussette · 08/02/2015 17:20

Going I think your pic is absolutely fine, you look gorgeous and natural and a selfie would be awful compared to what you have up now.

Certainly the looking for a man/woman is confusing for both men and women but you said you are thinking about that.

I can only see a small part of the profile and I think you need a bit more of a punchline and some humour. Everyone likes to have a wry laugh or a big belly laugh at something someone says in a profile. My darling widowed friend is on GSM (big step for her) and I helped her with her profile and she is doing really well. Her original profile was just the norm, bit like yours, it was like thousands of others and we worked together to make it more quirky and amusing. Don't be serious, you're not applying for a job, don't reveal too much, everyone likes a bit of mystery.

aeon456 · 08/02/2015 17:39

I've never got anywhere from being the first to message a man on a dating site either. Some may be flattered and reply out of courtesy, but there won't usually be a proper spark unless they've actively chosen you first.
If you have to force a connection with a person it won't work; you either have chemistry with them or you don't.

I see having sex with a person as the main way of checking if there is any chemistry to be honest; not numerous 'interesting chats' over dinner. I cut to the chase to save time.

aeon456 · 08/02/2015 17:45

Also, 'Wants children' will be a major red flag to many men as they will already have children of their own and not want any more or will be younger and not wanting to be tied down. 'Wants children' will indicate a woman who might want to trap them into marriage and children. Men can get paranoid about women wanting to use them for children. A person I see initially took all his used condoms home with him lol.

I think you would look better with your natural hair colour (as it would then match your eye brows) and have you ever had a fringe? might be something worth looking into but of course these are just suggestions.

Original poster
Goingincircles1 · 08/02/2015 18:03

Aeon, but I do want children. So why would I waste time by being vague about that?

Re the hair, no a fringe would not suit me. I love my blonde at the moment so it's staying - it flatters me and works with green eyes, though I do have plans to go back to my natural dark hair at some point in the future as a change because I've been blonde now for ages. I don't agree about the eyebrows, tbh!

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