Help! Can somebody give an opinion on my Guardian Solulmates profile?

[Goingincircles1]

I joined last week. Sent 5 messages since then and no replies, got 3 messages from awful men ok maybe not awful but mildly sexist and not attractive at all. Also have been liked by 3 similar people.

I'm clearly doing something wrong so could somebody help me out and tell me what it might be?

Feeling mildly panicked!

I agree with the comments about your profile being too generic. This doesn't mean you have to pretend to be something you're not, just give illustrative examples which demonstrate the type of person you are and the type of person you are looking for.

When I was OLD I played around with the wording a lot and enjoyed the psychological aspect of seeing what people respond to. You want things which will be conversation starters.

Rather than saying I was looking for a loving/caring/affectionate guy, I ended up saying 'looking for a man with big, strong arms who gives good hugs'. This was a massive winner and eventually found me exactly what I was looking for (Reader I married him )

I also said I liked to be spontaneous - and mentioned a time I cleared my diary and flew off on a last minute holiday with a bunch of strangers I'd just met - and talked about how I loved my job because of all the weird and wonderful variety it presents (again I gave a few funny/random/bizarre examples)

I definitely found it helped not to sound too serious, despite ultimately knowing I would like to find someone suitable to settle down with. First and foremost, I wanted to find someone who had similar interests and outlooks.

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2059548/Four-men-reveal-trauma-dad-deception.html

It is a known phenomenon so i don't see why people are having a go at me.

I don't think you need to change your picture, you look beautiful in the one you have put up. Every thing you stated seems fine to me. Best wishes in your quest.

But your advice is to try and hide bits of herself...to what end?

I don't think that was what aeon was saying.

In order to end up in a relationship, you need to meet the person first and go on a few dates.

Online dating is brutal. There is a lot of choice so the slightest thing that is in anyway off-putting makes you/me/him/her move onto the next profile.

And what people find "off-putting" is very personal; everyone has their own weird foibles. Sometimes it pays to be a little more subtle.

Look at it this way (as an example):

say you have a 40 year old NMNK who would like to meet someone to marry and have kids with.

If she has a really honest profile that says "I really REALLY want to marry someone and have kids within the next two years", a lot of men (EVEN those who would be in principle open to that) would scroll on by - thinking that this was likely to be an overly intense woman just focussed on an end goal and not on them.

On the other hand if her profile is "I'm open to having children and would like to if I met the right person" she's much less likely to be passed over.

It's not about lying; it's about presenting yourself in the best light.

If the website has a drop down option about wanting kids, and you want kids, then there's nothing wrong with saying that. On the other hand if you are just interested in casual dating, you might be better not focussing on the kids. Just depends what you are after.

But presenting yourself in your best light is how all relationships start. No one wise goes on a first date, slams their bag on the table and says "Hi I'm John, I used to have a crack addiction, I pick my nose and eat it and spend my whole weekend alone playing video games in my pyjamas." Same is true of profile creation.

Oh god, I don't know. I'm not an online dating expert by any means, I love being single but whenever I've dipped my toe it's never been as difficult or cut throat as you make it sound. Never 'brutal'.

Bit of honesty and openness doesn't go unappreciated ime.

Prize for the most patronising post goes to selfLoathing
Credit people with a smidgen of common sense eh!

People seemed to have a lot of trouble understanding what I was saying so imo SelfLoathing was being perfectly logical in dumbing it down a bit more.

Aeon you firstly tell the OP to lie about wanting kids and THEN you post a DAILY MAIL link to "Back up" your assertions that women are going about tricking men into sex for kids!

Just be quiet.

Don't change your hair OP! I think the blonde really suits you. :) I don't blame you for not wanting a fringe either, they're a high maintenance nightmare, especially with wavy hair.

I have waves and love my fringe. You only need to run a straightner over it now and then! Hides my frowny forehead too.

I never told her to lie, I just said men sometimes don't like it if that's on the profile.

That DM link DID back up my assertions as it proved some women do try and use men to get pregnant

This is a discussion forum where people sometimes disagree; not need to be unpleasant about it :)

No you might not have told her to lie outright but you did tell her not to reveal the fact that she wants children. WHY? Why should a woman need to hide her needs? To please men? To stop them from being scared the poor little mites!?

The DM link proved nothing other than they trawl for the lowest brow "stories" they can find in order to feed the fears of middle England.

Aeon, stop embarrassing yourself. You sound like one of those tragic self-hating women who care only what men think and try to make other women feel as bad as you do about yourself.

OP you look lovely and you sound lovely too. It has only been a week and that's no time at all.

I never said don't reveal it - I said it might put some men off, that's all!

I don't hate myself, I just know more about the male viewpoint than the female

I offered advice, which was what the OP asked for

you are the one being bitchy so I'd suggest you've got far more
self-loathing going on than me

People who are secure with themselves have no need to put others down

Would you consider copying and pasting the rest of your profile text into this post so we can see more? Those of us who aren't GSM members can only see the first few lines.

You look very pretty in your photo, but also serious, coupled with the serious first few sentences. People generally look their best when they smile. If you haven't already, include a flattering photo that shows your figure within your profile.

I think the men/ women thing is confusing unfortunately, I would list one gender and discuss your sexuality in person. You can always change your preferred gender on the website.

I agree that your opening sentences sound too generic and serious. I really dislike the word philosophical- it is often used by pretentious or tiresome people to describe themselves, not that you are either OP, but people may interpret it this way.

It's hard to say more without seeing the rest of your profile.

WHY? Why should a woman need to hide her needs? To please men? To stop them from being scared the poor little mites!?

I honestly don't understand why everyone is being so nasty to aeon. She was just expressing a point of view.

Depends what a woman's "needs" are and what her priorities are. If her immediate "needs" are get married/have kids, then there is absolutely no point in hiding it.

If her immediate "needs" are have a date on a Saturday night and some fun times with a nice guy - maybe even one who isn't interested in having children right now or at all, then maybe there is something in not emphasising that is a long term aim of yours.

And when I said brutal about online dating, I mean cold emotionless online shopping. I mean that just as you scroll past/ignore/delete/wonder why in hell some fat loser is emailing someone as hot as you based on nothing more than a bad photo and a few seconds of your time, 99.9% of people are doing the same thing including to you.

It's not like real life when a smile, kindness, chemistry can get you past a first glance and move you into a friendship or a relationship.

And that is brutal.

*I'm creative, philosophical and sociable. Curious about people and their stories. Kindness is really important to me. Spending time with my nearest and dearest means the world to me, but I also need a satisfying amount of solitude, to enjoy time to myself.

My approach to life is that I want to keep on learning for as long as I'm here, and equally I want to always make time to play and have fun.

The arts are my main passion, especially theatre and film.

I love animals, particularly horses, and have two of my own back in Ireland where I'm originally from*

That's my profile, as it stands.

My bold didn't work!

It's probably the way I express myself ie bluntly and might also be connected to the Aspergers. Rather ironic when there are people on here saying they have children with Aspergers/ASDs - this hostile attitude off less intelligent people is what they've got to look forward to from people when they get older folks!

Self You are throwing around an awful lot of crap based purely on your own opinion.

You mean "from" less intelligent people Aeon not "off".

Perhaps change/re-word the line about solitude.
Would it be worth including a bit about what you are looking for in someone? (not a tick list... have seen a few of them in my time)

I would put the interests and stuff up first. Here's my suggestion:

Art loving and creative; seeking a Bogart to my Bacall; a Rosebud to my sledge. Looking for a partner in crime who enjoys theatre and film as much as I do.

Love riding and have two horses back in Ireland where I'm from.

Sociable, curious and enjoy learning. Love seeing my friends but equally happy on my own, also think family is very important.

In what way are you creative OP?

I'm using the vernacular, not written form of speech :)