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Original poster

Help! Can somebody give an opinion on my Guardian Solulmates profile?

195 replies

Goingincircles1 · 08/02/2015 13:29

I joined last week. Sent 5 messages since then and no replies, got 3 messages from awful men Sad ok maybe not awful but mildly sexist and not attractive at all. Also have been liked by 3 similar people.

I'm clearly doing something wrong so could somebody help me out and tell me what it might be?

Feeling mildly panicked!

OP posts:
SelfLoathing · 08/02/2015 13:59

Also the Times Encounters Dating shows the most popular profiles. Have a flick through them to see what is getting people's interests.

www.encountersdating.co.uk/s/find/popular.php

DollyRocker1 · 08/02/2015 14:01

On GSM it's worth liking the people you're interested in. If they're interested too they'll get in touch. I've only managed 3 dates in 3 months on GSM but better than Match for me.

brightreddress · 08/02/2015 14:01

Ok, the rest of the blurb sounds good. You can use a photo of you with a friend and just crop the friend out. You can even do this on the most basic programmes. Good luck - don't be disheartened. As in real life unfortunately a lot of the fish in the sea are actually old plastic bags Wink Flowers

Original poster
Goingincircles1 · 08/02/2015 14:01

Ok, I will make some time this week to take a smiley selfie. Feel slightly ridiculous at the idea of grinning into my phone. The only selfies I've ever taken are to send to get security clearance at events or to a hairdresser and all of those instances I have a face like thunder!

OP posts:
pinkfrocks · 08/02/2015 14:02

self this is 2015. Women are allowed to make the first move.
This is not 200 years back when women waited to be asked out, FGS!

OP we can't see your profile without joining GSM- just 3 lines.

You could copy and paste all of it for us to read but if I were you I'd ask MNHQ to remove this thread and start again because your pic etc is now online- forever- as being on GSM.

MrsTawdry · 08/02/2015 14:03

Watch some good comedy online first OP....get some music on...and makeup etc...and then just take LOADS of pics. Experiment with lighting...by moving around the room until you have a pic you're happy with.

JeanSeberg · 08/02/2015 14:03

It's not clear what you're looking for - are you bi-sexual? Looking for friends? Dating? Relationship?

Personally I'd save my money and go for a free site. Same shite, just free and at least there's plenty of activity on pof.

Original poster
Goingincircles1 · 08/02/2015 14:03

Haha MrsTawdry I don't tend to brush my hair! Blush Perhaps I will have to start doing so if I want to find a partner Grin

OP posts:
SelfLoathing · 08/02/2015 14:05

unfortunately if a man is the type to feel threatened by my messaging him first then I'm quite glad he's not replying to me.

That wasn't my main point Going - the main point is that because men are quite visual, it is just quicker and easier (and exposes you to less rejection) to adopt a "wait for men to email me" in combination with "get my profile exposure" approach.

Because any woman sending emails, on the law of averages, will be emailing men who don't find them attractive or just aren't interested for their own personal reasons (too old/too blonde/ too young/not smoker) and so on.

Online dating is so brutal and time consuming that it is just easier to weed from men who are interested in you - because the visual side is so much more important to a man.

brightreddress · 08/02/2015 14:05

I don't think you need to look more groomed, just a bit more happy and gsoh.

Original poster
Goingincircles1 · 08/02/2015 14:07

JeanSeberg, it does say what I'm looking for to other members. I checked the boxes for "let's see what happens" and "long term relationship".

Yes, I am anthrosexual, I am attracted to people, gender is not part of the criteria that decides whether I fancy someone. I can fall in love with men or women.

OP posts:
SelfLoathing · 08/02/2015 14:07

Ok, I will make some time this week to take a smiley selfie

No - not a selfie. Get a friend to take some pictures of you outside in the sun. A lot. For every great picture you see in Tatler, there will have been 100 taken.

It takes a lot to get a right one and non-selfie pictures are always better.

pinkfrocks · 08/02/2015 14:08

I'm creative, philosophical and sociable. Curious about people and their stories. Kindness is really important to me. Spending time with my nearest and dearest means the world to me, but ... Join to read more

Ok- being picky!

What does 'philosophical' mean? If you mean you are interested in philosophy that is not the same as being philosophical- and you look uneducated thinking they are the same. 'Philosophical' usually means ' a bit laid back about what life throws at me'.

Curious about people- well yes, aren't we all?
Their 'stories'- cliche, pretentious. Get rid. If you mean their lives, well yes, as above.

Kindness- yes, who doesn't want that?? Why even bother to say it.
Spending time with 'nearest and dearest'- another cliche- why say this?

Your profile should be about YOU. So far you have not said anything that would not apply to 99% of people on the planet.

MrsTawdry · 08/02/2015 14:08

Circles I suppose it depends on the kind of man you want Grin if you don't usually brush it then don't bother! You might attract more artistic types unbrushed....brushed....bankers. Grin

MrsTawdry · 08/02/2015 14:10

Pink is probably right. Could you be more specific about interests? I'd probably put "Antique fairs and auctions" or "Long drives and urban exploration" and then people might think "Oh-ho! She's just like me!"

pinkfrocks · 08/02/2015 14:10

I think the fact you are bisexual will put a lot of people off. Most men want a hetero woman and lesbians will want a lesbian.
Sorry if that is harsh or you don't agree but I think your profile is giving out mixed messages and that's why no one is responding.

MrsTawdry · 08/02/2015 14:11

I also thought that pink. If I saw a man on there...who asked for men or women it would put me off.

CaptainHolt · 08/02/2015 14:12

IME saying man or woman doesn't work. You are unlikely to get any interest from women if you say you are also interested in men and men will either be put off or will think you are into threesomes. You need to pick a gender and go with it (not in life - just in this particular circumstance)

You need a smilier photo, although you are very pretty. I'm not mad about the 'nearest and dearest' thing. I'm not sure why, because I think closeness to family is generally good for you but it sounds a bit like I'm going to end up tagging along to Sunday lunch at your parents every weekend. I can't read the whole thing though.

UpNorthAgain · 08/02/2015 14:14

Goingincircles it's called mid-life ex-wife. She sent lots of messages when she first went online, and was convinced that there was something wrong with her server because nobody replied Confused!

If you are looking for both men and women, you may have a wider audience on POF. A (male) gay friend of mine considered GSM, but discovered there were only three other gay men near him, two of whom he already knew. He joined POF and it was like Mardi Gras!

pinkfrocks · 08/02/2015 14:14

OP- maybe you know differently , in RL, but OLD is a cut throat business. A man might accept a woman who is bi once he knows her, ie met in RL, but I doubt very much if he'd go out of his way to get to know her on a dating site. It's just too confusing for them. Also, the same applies to gay women.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 08/02/2015 14:15

Try plenty of fish.

SelfLoathing · 08/02/2015 14:15

Think about how many people are on the site and how users (you too probably) use it.

There are so many profiles, you just flick through them and give each profile about 10 seconds if that:

  1. Look at photo. Could I shag that yes or no? No. On to Next photo. If yes:
  2. Consider user name (reject weird ones or overly sexual) and intro line: if interesting open profile.
  3. Quick scan of important factors to you (age/height/smoker)whatever. [This is probably about 5 seconds in]
  4. If still interested start to read text. If intro text doesn't grab you, you are on to the next one.

It's a fast disposable online shopping business so the first few words/lines need to be more about what you like and you personally.

Preciousbane · 08/02/2015 14:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Goingincircles1 · 08/02/2015 14:20

'Philosophical' - referring to the way I look at the world. I try to look at things from all angles, think of what I have learned about the human condition from even the most painful things I have endured, ie caring for my mother during terminal cancer. I like discussions about what the whole fucking point of human existence is about, the beauty and the pain Wink Definitely not going to write all that in my profile, but need a nod to my world view, because it's important to me.

'Curious about people' may sound like a cliche, but again, part of who I am because I have the kind of face that makes strangers tell the most surprisingly detailed personal stuff to. And I am genuinely interested in it and have had great conversations with people at all sorts of odd places.

'Kindness'. Maybe everyone does want it, but on the whole I think there isn't enough deliberate kindness in the world. Not out of badness, but so many people get swept up in the fast pace of living/career/ mortgage etc, there's less time available to sit and really be present with someone and give them your time, to take the time to be kind.

'Spending time with nearest and dearest' goes on to say I also need time by myself - and said that because it's true, I need solitude to recharge and be happy, I want to make that clear.

OP posts:
pinkfrocks · 08/02/2015 14:25

You asked what we thought but now you've come back to defend it all.
Maybe add stubborn and unwilling to listen on your profile too?

ALL the things you have said about yourself are things that men should and would discover on a date or two.
Your profile is supposed to GET YOU A DATE. Not tell a man all about you.
And you are still confusing being into philosophy and being philosophical.
If you can't see the difference, don't include or you will look dim.

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