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Original poster

Help! Can somebody give an opinion on my Guardian Solulmates profile?

195 replies

Goingincircles1 · 08/02/2015 13:29

I joined last week. Sent 5 messages since then and no replies, got 3 messages from awful men Sad ok maybe not awful but mildly sexist and not attractive at all. Also have been liked by 3 similar people.

I'm clearly doing something wrong so could somebody help me out and tell me what it might be?

Feeling mildly panicked!

OP posts:
MrsTawdry · 08/02/2015 18:12

Aeon excuse me but what a massive crock of shit!

You're suggesting the OP lie about wanting children in case a man is afraid she'd "trap him into marriage" Shock

Do you hate women? You must do to have such an odd outlook. You'd think it more appropriate for her to LIE in order to get a date? I'm sure she's not that desperate!

MrsTawdry · 08/02/2015 18:12

OP I like the blonde. A fringe might suit you though.

Original poster
Goingincircles1 · 08/02/2015 18:22

Thanks MrsTawdry - I was starting to feel quite mad, as if I was unreasonable about putting that yes I do want children out there on my profile so brazenly!

On the hair note, I think fringes are great for people who have sleek hair, but my hair type wouldn't be suitable. It has a slight natural wave to it, so I would just have fuzz perched atop my forehead like a huge cowlick Blush

OP posts:
DCITennison · 08/02/2015 18:23

Jeez, Going...see what you've unleashed?! Grin

Look, ask for opinions on the internet and you'll have them raining down on you like a bucket of cold piss.

Doesn't mean any of it is worth listening to, bollocks to all those suggesting you hide bits of yourself or portray yourself in a way that's unnatural to you. What would be the point? There are plenty of people who think successful dating is about numbers, I disagree. Be you, nothing else and save yourself the time you'd have wasted on dates with people you've nothing in common with. Quality not quantity.

It's been a week, it's fine.

aeon456 · 08/02/2015 18:24

Goingincircles1 - I see what you mean about wanting children - I was just talking about what men often think when this is on a person's profile; I wasn't judging you for having it on there.

Many men sign up to dating sites just for sex

Also many women state they're just looking for friends when they join dating sites, which just means keeping your options open

Looking for men and women implies that you are bisexual and this might put some men off

MrsTawdry - I never suggested the OP lie about wanting children; I was just saying what men can often think when a female puts this on their dating profile

I don't hate women but I tend to get on better with men, so probably more familiar with how they think

If men are able to browse the Guardian dating site for free but have to pay to join to actually read messages, this would be another major reason why they won't reply ie they don't want to pay to join. You'd therefore probably get more replies on free dating sites like OK Cupid

DCITennison · 08/02/2015 18:27

But why would Going want to hear from those men?

aeon456 · 08/02/2015 18:28

Nowhere did I criticise the OP for saying she wants children; I just said how this can come across to some men. Most dating sites give an 'undecided' option where children are concerned too.

I would be very interested to know the average percentage of men who put that they want children on dating sites

The OP was asking for advice and I've been on loads of dating sites so felt qualified to give advice.

MrsTawdry · 08/02/2015 18:28

Aeon then the ones who want only sex will avoid her...won't they? Perfect.

aeon456 · 08/02/2015 18:29

Want to hear from which men?

aeon456 · 08/02/2015 18:30

It's not perfect as there might be a man who she has v good chemistry with who she might start off having sex with and then it becomes a serious relationship. To be quite honest, I don't relate to the standard relationship model of going on dates etc.

DCITennison · 08/02/2015 18:32

But your advice is to try and hide bits of herself...to what end?

What use is it attracting the attentions of someone you'd have no interest in and vice versa?

Is that how people approach dating? Delete your entire self, paint over a facade of bland malleability and watch the your inbox fill up with messages from those who like bland malleability?

What's the frigging point?? Grin

aeon456 · 08/02/2015 18:34

No, I just said why she might ot be getting many replies, I never said to hide anything. It makes sense if she wants children not to hide it.

I do the opposite of hiding anything - I tell them I have Asperger's Syndrome. Bland and generic I am not. I've never wanted children though so I suppose I don't relate as much.

DCITennison · 08/02/2015 18:35

'Want to hear from which men?"

Well, from those who wouldn't be interested in someone bisexual for a start (sorry Going, I realise that's not a label you've used yourself).

Why would she avoid stating that? Why try to attract someone under false pretences?

Surely filtering in this way is positive, why would anyone prize numbers over suitability?

aeon456 · 08/02/2015 18:38

and from my observations of society people do want bland and generic - you only have to talk in a non-standard way and people don't relate to you. People want conformist - look where I went on holiday, look at my kids, look at my tan, look at me looking tarty on a night out with 'the girls' having a good laff etc etc. Insert a tiny bit of originality and most people run for the hills!

Cantbelievethisishappening · 08/02/2015 18:38

Also, 'Wants children' will be a major red flag to many men as they will already have children of their own and not want any more or will be younger and not wanting to be tied down. 'Wants children' will indicate a woman who might want to trap them into marriage and children. Men can get paranoid about women wanting to use them for children.

Hmm Not sure which bit of this little gem is the worst.
Original poster
Goingincircles1 · 08/02/2015 18:39

Aeon, I'm almost 30. The kind of man (or woman) I would like to be my long term partner won't be somebody I have to convince or hoodwink into wanting children, and I won't waste time hoping that somebody I have good chemistry with suddenly changes their mind and decides that children with me would be nice after all.

I do want somebody who feels that they want kids, once they meet the right person (or more accurately, one of many right people - I don't believe in 'the one', it's bullshit imo).

OP posts:
aeon456 · 08/02/2015 18:39

I just observed what might be putting some of the men off - that's all.

aeon456 · 08/02/2015 18:40

I knew this would happen! This is why I get on better with men than women.

aeon456 · 08/02/2015 18:41

I live with a male partner platonically and see another man for sex as and when ie I have the perfect setup so I can't be that bad an advisor.

QueenBean · 08/02/2015 18:41

Cant I think the line afterwards about dating men who took condoms home after DTD lest the pp split them open and impregnated herself was the worst...

QueenBean · 08/02/2015 18:42

Aeon how is that possibly the perfect set up?! Perhaps for you, but personally I'd rather have both those things from one man

aeon456 · 08/02/2015 18:43

Now you're all being bitchy because I don't conform enough

Laquitar · 08/02/2015 18:44

I like this photo OP.
Philosophical' ime is used by people who are very hard work, together with 'thinker' and 'analytical'.
That together with the line that you like people's stories it would make me feel like an experiment, like dating a Psychologist who is observing my every move, the way i hold my glass means that i am thinking x etc.

People talked about selling yourself. If you sell a dining table that is not popular design but a more sophisticated one or a different one you will sell it eventually to the right buyer but it will just take longer time.
So i wouldnt change too much info in your shoes and i wouldnt try to look fun but i would expect to take longer time.

BUT ... i dont have ANY online dating experience so ignore me!

aeon456 · 08/02/2015 18:44

Because living with a friend is less stressful than living with a sexual partner ie far less rows.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 08/02/2015 18:46

OP I broke all the rules when did online dating. My plenty of fish profile said I want kids (because I do), I contacted DH first, we fucked within a couple of weeks. I don't think there's anything wrong with your profile,it's just that there's a lot of shite to wade through with online dating