DH has done something unbelievably stupid, dangerous and selfish. Really don't know what to do

[ThatBloodyCat]

I am reeling so much that I don't know where to begin. Not quite sure why I have name changed, but I have.

DD who is 9 was off school today because she was unwell - she has some sort of virus, I think, and has had a really bad headache. DH was able to work from home to stay with her, and he was due to leave the house at 2.30 to get a flight. We had discussed she would be OK for 30 minutes by herself and I would be back at 3pm.

She is a sensible child, and we have left her alone before, but always in a controlled fashion - short periods, no dangers around, she knows exactly where I am going, has my number, and usually is watching a movie. We have electric gates which phone to our mobiles, so no danger of anyone calling to the house unexpectedly. I fully understand that not everyone would be happy with this approach, but me & DH have discussed it, and are comfortable with allowing her to learn a bit of independence but making sure any potential risks are mitigated.

I popped back into the house at 1.55 and found DD in the house by herself. We have a gas wood-burner type fire, which was lit. I asked where DH was, and she said he was at the gym, and had left at 12.45. She asked me if she could have some lunch as she was starving, and hadn't had any breakfast or lunch. I asked why Daddy hadn't made her lunch and she said she didn't know. I tried phoning DH, and no answer on his phone. I kept trying, and eventually phoned the gym and asked them to tell him he was urgently needed at home. I eventually made contact with him after trying to reach him for 25 minutes.

When he came back (after being gone for 1 1/2 hours in total) he told me I was completely over-reacting. He said he was going to give DD lunch when he got back (at 2.20pm), apparently the fire wasn't a risk because it has a glass front on it and is enclosed. Apparently it didn't matter that he was uncontactable, because I had my phone with me.

I am absolutely furious at his selfishness and recklessness.

I just don't know what to do. I told him I was going to report him to the police for child neglect. I worry though that if I involve any agencies such as police or SS it will have a devastating effect on our children.

He has since sent a text, very contrite and saying he realises his choices were poor, but tbh this is his form all over. Completely selfish, and only apologises after the fact, and after initially trying to minimise. When he came back from the gym he told me I was completely over-reacting.

I want him to change, and not to be so bloody selfish, but I know that not only is that not going to happen, it's also not for me to try to force it. So thinking aloud, my choices are either give him a complete bollocking over it, try to get him to realise why it was dangerous and unacceptable, but ultimately in the knowledge that he won't change, and that not reporting this is effectively condoning his behaviour - or - take action which in all probability means the end of my marriage and family life as my DC currently know it.

I just don't know what to do.

Personally, I wouldn't report him. I realize I have a higher toleration than some for leaving a child alone for 90 minutes. I'm 40, back in my day, blah blah.

I'd go with the bollocking.

If you want to leave him, by all means leave him, but it should be for the bigger picture of him being a poor partner/parent or whatever and not for this particular incident in isolation.

Sorry but I think this is a direct result of you both being too lenient on not supervising your 9 year old, I'd not leave her for five minutes alone, anything could happen, regardless of what you think, I don't even know if it's legal.

He clearly isn't responsible enough that's for sure, poor girl, no child should be left unattended, ever.

He deliberately went against what you discussed for his own enjoyment, leaving DD in a house with a fire risk having not seen all morning that his ill child had been fed.

And he has form?

I don't think I could have a future with that kind of a man.

I wouldnt report him, however I would be down on him like a ton of bricks. No breakfast and lunch til after 2pm? Left a lit fire? You talked at length about leaving her for 30mins why on earth would he think it ok to leave her for triple that time?

I would ve fucking livid. Gym. Not even an emergency or something necessary. The fucking gym.

Report him for child neglect? You do know what real child neglect looks like I presume?

By all means give him a bollocking for his stupidity, but your DD is 9, behind locked gates with your mobile number.

Unless there is a whole other backstory..?

"I told him I was going to report him to the police for child neglect. I worry though that if I involve any agencies such as police or SS it will have a devastating effect on our children"

look that is a really bad idea - do you really want SS scrutiny and visits where your own parenting will be questioned? After all, you left her alone.

On the other hand, your husband sounds irresponsible, go ahead and kick him out if you think that justified. ONly you know for sure.

I guess it's not about how long he left her or whether he was contactable etc.

He just didn't bother to agree it with you. No doubt this was because it is easier to do just do whatever he wants if he feels you'll probably not find out. Problem number one.

Then problem two is why he 'forgot' a 9 year old needs feeding. I mean it's not just a (very) late lunch is it - what happened to breakfast?

It's hard to judge whether you do just fast forward to either putting up with this or splitting up. There must be more history here for you to see it as such a black and white choice. Has his selfishness put you or DC into potential danger before? Or have the DC been neglected in a similar way?

no child should be left unattended, ever.

until what age?

I think you probably need to be clearer about why you were so pissed off and why it was dangerous to fuck off the gym for over an hour when she was going to be alone later.

I'd be furious too, but more because I think it's really fucking lousy parenting to leave a child at home by themselves when they are unwell.

Later on for half an hour can't be helped, but a trip to the gym is basically just parental "me time", which shouldn't be taken when you are looking after a sick child.

And also because it's pretty clear that you weren't supposed to know about the little trip to the gym.

He was meant to be fucking working FGS. Does he just pop off to the gym for an hour and a half during work.

I wouldn't leave my dcs on their own when ill at home. Your dh showed a complete lack of care for your dd who is ill. Why wasn't she being looked after? It wasn't like it was the holidays!

I think you might be overreacting a bit.

I'm surprised your 9 year old can't get her own lunch and that you feel she is in danger round the woodburner. Presumably she wouldn't try to put another log in it etc.

I have 2 5 year olds. I wouldn't leave them in the house alone, but they can make themselves a sandwich and safely watch a DVD on their own in the lounge with the woodburner lit.

I wouldn't report him but I'd make it pretty clear if he wasn't going to put his child's needs before his then it was over.
He should never have left her.
Not only this he went against what you said, would you have ever found out had you not gone home.
Poor dd I bet she was starving poor love.

Report him?? To who? The child was alone for 1.5 hours not 1.5 weeks. Surely a 9 year old could take a stroll to a biscuit tin or a loaf of bread to get something to eat. Yes he shouldn't have left her alone after agreeing with you what would happen, but to report him for neglect is way beyond a normal reaction.

Glass fronted stoves are very safe. he was a bit selfish and thoughtless but police??? OTT

Well f you want to eternally convince him that you over reacted call the police/ social services. You had both already agreed she could be left alone. He just left her for a hour longer than you wished. I am not sure what you expect social services to make of this. To be honest social services are under enormous pressure dealing with children in seriously awful situations. they have better things to do with their time than be used as leverage in a marital dispute.
Your dh did behave badly, which he has acknowledged. If you both have ongoing marital/ parenting issues then get some sort of professional help for those or decide to leave. Talk of calling the police/ social services is just a distraction from that core issue.

No don't report him. Look he should of made sure that Dd had eaten, although at 9 a sandwich is doable. He should of discussed and agreed plans with you. I'm not sure on the fire front, if its covered I would of thought thats ok? Anyway, bollock him and move on.

Your DH should have stuck with the agreed arrangements. Leaving her for a much longer period without feeding her and without being contactable isn't on. I wouldn't report it but I would tell him that you seriously considered it, which is a measure of your unhappiness with his behaviour.

Watching with interest as my 9- and 10-yr olds often ask if they can stay home if I'm going out do do something dull like nipping to the shops. I say no and use the excuse that my 5yr old would want to stay home too, but I am wondering when is the right time to let them have more independence.

I'd be furious also ....but there is no way I'd leave dc at that age anyhow.

Reporting him I don't think is the answer though. He's basically taken advantage of an already unsafe arrangement.

no child should be left unattended, ever.

Until what age 16/18? Most 11 year olds start travelling to school alone.

It probably was a bit of an overreaction to say I would report him, but I really couldn't seem to get through to him that what he had done was a problem.

I hate that bloody gym. At the weekend he goes, spends a couple of hours at a time, comes back and lies on the sofa for a couple more hours, then claims not to be able help with the cleaning because he is knackered.

I know it's not about the gym, it's about the danger he put our DD in, but it somehow makes it worse because I have so much resentment towards him going to the gym. Then he starts evangelising to me that I should do more exercise, but I'm bloody knackered because on top of working, I do all the cleaning, shopping, cooking looking after children etc.

Was she really ill? Or was she resting on the sofa and capable of leaving the house if any issues? PP keep referring to a lit fire but if it's appropriately screened by glass in a log burner etc then realistically what are the chances of the fire catching anything? Unless you think your daughter night mess with it, in which case leaving her alone with Fire is a valid concern. I understand she's sick but could she not make toast?

I understand it's hardly gold standard sickbed care but it's not child neglect

I think it is possibly a lack of communication. You has planned what was to happen, and were happy for DD to be left under those controlled circumstances. What should have happened if there was to be a deviation from those plans was the adult concerned to inform the other adult of the situation - ideally to discuss and make sure everyone was happy, but at least to alert the other that DD would be on her own at a different time and for a longer period of time.
You say that you want your DH to change and stoop being so selfish - so I assume that this is not the first time something like this has happened. People don't change so you need to either accept it and plan accordingly, or deal with it in another way.
If it is the first time it's happened, I think you are being a bit harsh - yes he didn't stick to the plan, didn't feed your DD and left the fire on. However, at nine I would have thought she could grab a bowl of cereal or something if she was that hungry. If she is sensible enough to be left, she is surely sensible enough not to go touching the stove. Also if you leave her, you must have gone over what to do if there was a fire?
He has said he was sorry - maybe discuss things in a bit more detail next time and make sure you let each other know of changes to plans.

I don't understand why anyone would leave a 9 year old at home ill so they could go to the gym, yes your right he's selfish, your child is unwell, that unwell she is off school and your Dh sees it fit to leave her home alone to go to the fecking gym I would be cross too.

My wanker parents once left my sister home alone, with a headache and apparent virus. It turned out to be meningitis. Their lack of swift and appropriate action led to a lengthy hospital stay, being pumped full of drugs and could have been very much worse. She was older than your dd, at the time.

I will leave my eldest but have not yet left my second eldest (older than your dd). I'd never leave an ill child home alone and I think if you involve SS, they with be querying why both of you felt it was appropriate to.

I was letting myself in after school by that age...but then I am Aged and things are different now, I suppose. And I wouldn't have been left alone if I were ill.

I don't think the issue is that he left her, it's that you had discussed what was supposed to happen and he naffed off to the gym anyway. If the two of you make a plan he should stick to it or at least discuss changes with you.

I'd go with a super bollocking personally; involving anyone else seems a bit extreme.