Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has done something unbelievably stupid, dangerous and selfish. Really don't know what to do

221 replies

ThatBloodyCat · 05/02/2015 16:19

I am reeling so much that I don't know where to begin. Not quite sure why I have name changed, but I have.

DD who is 9 was off school today because she was unwell - she has some sort of virus, I think, and has had a really bad headache. DH was able to work from home to stay with her, and he was due to leave the house at 2.30 to get a flight. We had discussed she would be OK for 30 minutes by herself and I would be back at 3pm.

She is a sensible child, and we have left her alone before, but always in a controlled fashion - short periods, no dangers around, she knows exactly where I am going, has my number, and usually is watching a movie. We have electric gates which phone to our mobiles, so no danger of anyone calling to the house unexpectedly. I fully understand that not everyone would be happy with this approach, but me & DH have discussed it, and are comfortable with allowing her to learn a bit of independence but making sure any potential risks are mitigated.

I popped back into the house at 1.55 and found DD in the house by herself. We have a gas wood-burner type fire, which was lit. I asked where DH was, and she said he was at the gym, and had left at 12.45. She asked me if she could have some lunch as she was starving, and hadn't had any breakfast or lunch. I asked why Daddy hadn't made her lunch and she said she didn't know. I tried phoning DH, and no answer on his phone. I kept trying, and eventually phoned the gym and asked them to tell him he was urgently needed at home. I eventually made contact with him after trying to reach him for 25 minutes.

When he came back (after being gone for 1 1/2 hours in total) he told me I was completely over-reacting. He said he was going to give DD lunch when he got back (at 2.20pm), apparently the fire wasn't a risk because it has a glass front on it and is enclosed. Apparently it didn't matter that he was uncontactable, because I had my phone with me.

I am absolutely furious at his selfishness and recklessness.

I just don't know what to do. I told him I was going to report him to the police for child neglect. I worry though that if I involve any agencies such as police or SS it will have a devastating effect on our children.

He has since sent a text, very contrite and saying he realises his choices were poor, but tbh this is his form all over. Completely selfish, and only apologises after the fact, and after initially trying to minimise. When he came back from the gym he told me I was completely over-reacting.

I want him to change, and not to be so bloody selfish, but I know that not only is that not going to happen, it's also not for me to try to force it. So thinking aloud, my choices are either give him a complete bollocking over it, try to get him to realise why it was dangerous and unacceptable, but ultimately in the knowledge that he won't change, and that not reporting this is effectively condoning his behaviour - or - take action which in all probability means the end of my marriage and family life as my DC currently know it.

I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
morethanpotatoprints · 05/02/2015 16:38

I meant to add also that at 9 children can be responsible.
responsible enough to think now they are older they can put a log on the fire.
They were told about H&S from being very little, they are mature enough now to do it.
This ime is when you need to be more cautious.

sosix · 05/02/2015 16:38

tyran I think 9 is ther perfect age to start leaving a child fir short periods. Even better as you have a 10 year old too. Obv, depends on child.

PatriciaHolm · 05/02/2015 16:39

Reporting him will achieve nothing, other than to reinforce his opinion as SS are unlikely to be particularly interested.

He does need to understand that he cannot make that kind of decision unilaterally though, and that if you are not all 100% happy with a situation it doesn't happen. I am perfectly happy leaving my 9/10 year olds for up to 30 mins, in front of the TV, but I wouldn't have left an unwell child who hadn't eaten for 90 minutes or more when there was absolutely no reason to do so.

camaleon · 05/02/2015 16:40

I would be furious too, but would not report anything.
There must be much more behind this.. How ill was your child to start with? His excuse was 'he has form', really? Basically you cannot trust him I guess. If I agreed any kind of childcare with my husband and he left the kids alone to go to the gym while sick I would feel extremely betrayed and unable to trust him again.
This cannot be the only episode, is it?

MajesticWhine · 05/02/2015 16:40

He was totally irresponsible and out of order for not getting her breakfast or lunch and for leaving the fire on. But no, of course don't report him. I can't see any good coming of that.

Jan45 · 05/02/2015 16:41

Each to their own, I wouldn't leave a 9 year old alone, whether ill or not but it's a personal choice isn't it.

How he could go off to the bloody gym with a sick child home alone is beyond me, shit parenting basically.

sosix · 05/02/2015 16:42

On the illness front 9 does seem young to be home when sick.

TwelveLeggedWalk · 05/02/2015 16:43

The thing that bothers me most is the headache. I wouldn't leave a child with a severe headache and not many other symptoms alone because I would be worrying about Meningitus.

I would leave a snotty and grumpy and possibly slightly milking it 9year old alone in a very secure house for an hour. And if I was confident the chimney wasn't going to catch fire, and the 9yr old wasn't going to try and put another log in, the wood burner wouldn't bother me.

I wouldn't be worried if an ill 9yr old hadn't eaten. I would be if DH hadn't checked if they wanted, and therefore were likely to cook, anything on their own.

Not sure how helpful any of that is except to show that risk asssessment is quite personal.

Hakluyt · 05/02/2015 16:43

Yes he should have stuck to the agreement, or discussed the change of plans with your dd- but a) why was she in danger and b) why didn't she get herself some lunch?

I feel I'm missing something.

Only1scoop · 05/02/2015 16:43

I'm a little shocked at this seeming to be the norm to leave a 9 yo for half an hour here and there.

I didn't realise it's quite so acceptable.

LineRunner · 05/02/2015 16:43

Looking at your update, OP, I would say you are just furious with him about being a generally lazy smug git.

TwelveLeggedWalk · 05/02/2015 16:44

Amantes sorry I hadn't seen your post. I hope your sister is ok.

Goneintohibernation · 05/02/2015 16:44

I can understand you being annoyed with him, but I think talk of reporting him to SS is way over the top. It was selfish of him to go off to the gym when she was ill, especially without you knowing, as you did not know she was alone, and therefore you needed to be easily contactable. That said she is obviously used to being left for short periods, an this is something you have previously agreed with, and she has been OK with. I'm guessing at 9 she could have got herself some cereal for breakfast, or a sandwich for lunch?

Only1scoop · 05/02/2015 16:44

Yes Op sounds like you are sick of his selfish ways in general.

Hakluyt · 05/02/2015 16:44

And if the wood burner is dangerous, surely it shouldn't be in use?

MrsDeVere · 05/02/2015 16:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Seeline · 05/02/2015 16:45

I don't think 9 is too young if it's for half an hour and they are recovering, but not quite well enough for school. I wouldn't do it if they were throwing up or rushing to the loo all the time, or with a raging fever, but just slouched on the sofa watching TV - and they were happy to be left, I would be OK with that.

rookiemere · 05/02/2015 16:46

It sounds like the leaving her at home is the tip of a very big iceberg.
I'd be absolutely furious if DH had done that - not that I believe he would.

I'm sure your DD is usually capable of getting a bowl of cereal and knows what to do in case of a fire, but that's not the point. She was unwell enough to be off school and he was the adult who was meant to be looking after her, not swanning off to the bloody gym.

I'd use this opportunity to tell him how p**d off you are generally with his behaviour. DH sometimes tries the

temporaryusername · 05/02/2015 16:47

I'm not used to the idea of children being left alone, but I won't go into that as I've noticed it can become a fraught topic and I'm not even sure it is the point here. You agreed that your dd could be left for that half hour so that isn't the issue for you.

I think what he did is pretty bad even if you set aside all the issues surrounding leaving a child alone in normal circumstances. He left not because he had to, but to pursue a leisure activity. He didn't consult you about the situation of your own child - you weren't informed that she'd be alone. That would freak me out. He chose to go to the gym over caring for his young, unwell daughter. She could have got worse, or even in the best case analysis been uncomfortable and needed a bit of help.

It sounds like this is part of a wider problem, with what you say about form and potentially ending the marriage. I'm not sure what the implications of reporting him would be, so I'd be hesitant there. I think you need to create some kind of consequence though, and think about whether you are happy to leave the children in his care. If not, that opens a whole new discussion about where to go from here.

BathtimeFunkster · 05/02/2015 16:47

I don't think the issue is the danger she was in.

She wasn't in all that much danger.

The problem is that she is only 9 years old, she feels like shit, and she needs someone there to mind her and make sure she's OK.

There is also the fact that she had a headache, which would ring alarm bells for any normal parent about meningitis.

Obviously, that was unlikely. But she shouldn't have been left on her todd so her Dad could piss off to enjoy himself elsewhere.

He should have been with her. That's what a caring, loving parent would have done. That's what any child should be able to depend on - that when they feel like shit there will be a parent there to mop their brow and spoil them a little.

Instead she was by herself for over an hour and nobody had bothered to make her any food all day.

That is totally shit.

Not SS shit.

Just "you should be ashamed of yourself, you are a shitty parent" shit.

And stop doing this lazy fuckers housework for him.

Whoishillgirl · 05/02/2015 16:47

Agree with line runner.

LetBartletBeBartlet · 05/02/2015 16:48

There's a difference between a 9yo in perfect health, and a 9yo who is off ill.

Surely the parent should be the one to fetch them toast etc?

How often do posters (usually SAHM) on here complain that they're ill but have been just 'left to get on with it' by their partners?

How is it not much worse that we're talking about a 9yo?

Hakluyt · 05/02/2015 16:48

Still not getting what she was in danger from........

MrsDeVere · 05/02/2015 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SunnyBaudelaire · 05/02/2015 16:49

well let's see she could have opened the woodburner and stuck her hand in?