DH has done something unbelievably stupid, dangerous and selfish. Really don't know what to do

[ThatBloodyCat]

I am reeling so much that I don't know where to begin. Not quite sure why I have name changed, but I have.

DD who is 9 was off school today because she was unwell - she has some sort of virus, I think, and has had a really bad headache. DH was able to work from home to stay with her, and he was due to leave the house at 2.30 to get a flight. We had discussed she would be OK for 30 minutes by herself and I would be back at 3pm.

She is a sensible child, and we have left her alone before, but always in a controlled fashion - short periods, no dangers around, she knows exactly where I am going, has my number, and usually is watching a movie. We have electric gates which phone to our mobiles, so no danger of anyone calling to the house unexpectedly. I fully understand that not everyone would be happy with this approach, but me & DH have discussed it, and are comfortable with allowing her to learn a bit of independence but making sure any potential risks are mitigated.

I popped back into the house at 1.55 and found DD in the house by herself. We have a gas wood-burner type fire, which was lit. I asked where DH was, and she said he was at the gym, and had left at 12.45. She asked me if she could have some lunch as she was starving, and hadn't had any breakfast or lunch. I asked why Daddy hadn't made her lunch and she said she didn't know. I tried phoning DH, and no answer on his phone. I kept trying, and eventually phoned the gym and asked them to tell him he was urgently needed at home. I eventually made contact with him after trying to reach him for 25 minutes.

When he came back (after being gone for 1 1/2 hours in total) he told me I was completely over-reacting. He said he was going to give DD lunch when he got back (at 2.20pm), apparently the fire wasn't a risk because it has a glass front on it and is enclosed. Apparently it didn't matter that he was uncontactable, because I had my phone with me.

I am absolutely furious at his selfishness and recklessness.

I just don't know what to do. I told him I was going to report him to the police for child neglect. I worry though that if I involve any agencies such as police or SS it will have a devastating effect on our children.

He has since sent a text, very contrite and saying he realises his choices were poor, but tbh this is his form all over. Completely selfish, and only apologises after the fact, and after initially trying to minimise. When he came back from the gym he told me I was completely over-reacting.

I want him to change, and not to be so bloody selfish, but I know that not only is that not going to happen, it's also not for me to try to force it. So thinking aloud, my choices are either give him a complete bollocking over it, try to get him to realise why it was dangerous and unacceptable, but ultimately in the knowledge that he won't change, and that not reporting this is effectively condoning his behaviour - or - take action which in all probability means the end of my marriage and family life as my DC currently know it.

I just don't know what to do.

Parents are supposed to put their children's needs first because children are not yet fully formed people and don't always make the right / safest choices.

He put his own (selfish) needs before those of his child. That, to me, would be indicative of a world in which he lives at the very centre and the rest of your are, at best, satellites. It sounds as if he only sees his own needs and then justifies those with argument and obfuscation or with aggression and then, when finally caught, insincere apologies.

This, for me, would be a deal-breaker. Clearly,from your subsequent posts, this is not a one off.

I think you need some ground rules - an ultimatum of sorts and then to see how things go.

My dh used to go off to London for work - he's a musician so evenings. He would 'rest' on Thursday, then drive off. Work on Friday and Saturday nights, and often Sunday too. Then he'd drive back sometime on Monday, usually arriving home about 9.30pm. Then he'd 'rest' all day Tuesday. Luckily this was only once a month.

I pointed out to him that it meant he had 6 whole days where he contributed nothing to the household, did nothing with dd or me, and I had 6 whole days every month where I did everything.

Factor in the fact that 50% of what he earnt (not much in the first place) went on petrol and parking, not to mention the cost of beer and food, not just for himself but for whoever he was staying with too, and quite possibly weed and er other stuff, then it was simply not worth it financially; furthermore, I have ms and become completely exhausted very quickly. "When" I asked him, "do I get 6 days off?".

He saw my point because, while he's a selfish twat in many ways, he's not a complete dick.

Can you do something similar with your dh? Do you think he will get your point?

I really don't see the problem? She's 9. She could make her own lunch surely?

I'm shocked at how many people think it's ok to leave a 9 year old when they are poorly to go to the gym.

Me too, the home is the one place where most accidents occur, this is a child that is sick and could possibly vomit due to her headache but hey she's fine to fix herself a sandwich....whilst cleaning up the spew....

I know Jan I have the same thoughts.... Biggest issue seems that she at 9 should be totally capable of knowing how many vine tomatoes she should put on her warned focaccia.

Only - haha, yes indeed.

I always remember when I was in primary school and I was ill, my mum was there all the time to tend to my every whim - it's called taking care of your child when they are off school sick - this girl will remember being left and she will definitely remember the almighty fight over it.

No child under 14 should be left alone at home for any period of time. They are not mature enough to deal with any emergency.

Good luck with that view on this thread Bash.

Sorry Babas

She's 9! Why can't she get her own breakfast and lunch? My DS is perfectly capable of putting together a marmite sandwich and raiding the fruit bowl, and he's 4!

Leaving her on her own to go to the gym is another matter.

Exactly

I don't think it's even the 'gym' thing though. It's leaving the ill dc for what seems to be up to 3 hours.

"No child under 14 should be left alone at home for any period of time. They are not mature enough to deal with any emergency."

Now thwt really is insane. On any thread. Or in life.

She couldn't get herself lunch because she isn't allowed to eat alone.

But the threqd, and the OP have moved on. With a bit of luck to a new thread and a new name where she can think about her issues with her Dp without competitive child neglect clouding things.

Mock as you wish but my view stands and some may have time to read the whole thread, but some don't and respond just to the OP.

Bab - people don't (or hopefully most of us don't) live in isolation. I leave my DCs (my 12 year old is quite happy to be left for half a day or even longer) with the instruction that if there is a crisis they can phone 999 (or me if less critical), and/or can leave the flat and go to a neighbour to ask for help or just advice. They're not surrounded by hostile enemies, and left to cope alone. I actually agree with someone above that a child is probably at greater risk if completely isolated because she is shut into her home by electric gates that she can't operate.

I'm agreeing with bathtimefunkster on this one.

Switching your phone off to leave your sick child for over two hours, without bothering to set her up with a plate of snacks, or tell your OH that you will be out, to go to the gym, it's shit isn't it?

And still people are refusing to accept this child was ill, perhaps she was too ill to even prepare food, she was off school after all so I assume not capable of sitting in class. Can't you all remember being that age and how you would have felt feeling crap and being left on your own.

This isn't about popping to the shop or collecting another kid from school, it's deliberately pissing off to the gym and being absent for nearly 3 hours, oh and with a lit fire on too, hardly shows you care does it.

And above, no they are not left in hostile environments but most accidents happen at home, how would you feel if your sick child fell down the stairs, or that bloody fire somehow became dangerous, do you think you'd still be saying well she's old enough!

What are you going to do about your husband's general behaviour OP, because that's what this is about. You sound knackered and taken for granted. From what you've told us about him, he sounds selfish.

Regardless of my opinions on leaving children alone, the fact is that to me this episode is more of a symptom of your relationship with him. I don't think you'd have been so pissed off with him, if it had been a one-off, would you?

GirlwithaPearl Earring i doubt you would be saying the same if the genders were reversed in the OP. You are defending the OPs DH simply because he has a penis.

OP, I'm still totally on your side for being furious with your DP.

You said this:
and him going to the gym at least 4 times a week generates a lot of laundry - a point he seemed to have overlooked.

I totally get that if he's not going to do any laundry, you need to do it, as you and DD need clean clothes, bedding, etc. But I'd suggest as a very first step you never, ever wash DP's gym kit. Ever. Even if it means washing without a full load in.

Your dp sounds like an area. But the post on the thread that has me most is 'this is a direct result of you both being too lenient on not supervising your 9 year old, I'd not leave her for five minutes alone, anything could happen, regardless of what you think, I don't even know if it's legal.' Did the poster misread 9 for 3?!?! A 9yo who is never left alone for 5 minutes probably is a danger to themselves, having never had the opportunity to develop their own risk assessment skills. At 9 I was wandering round London alone with a friend!!!

An arse, not an area!!! Bloody autocorrect!