DH has done something unbelievably stupid, dangerous and selfish. Really don't know what to do

[ThatBloodyCat]

I am reeling so much that I don't know where to begin. Not quite sure why I have name changed, but I have.

DD who is 9 was off school today because she was unwell - she has some sort of virus, I think, and has had a really bad headache. DH was able to work from home to stay with her, and he was due to leave the house at 2.30 to get a flight. We had discussed she would be OK for 30 minutes by herself and I would be back at 3pm.

She is a sensible child, and we have left her alone before, but always in a controlled fashion - short periods, no dangers around, she knows exactly where I am going, has my number, and usually is watching a movie. We have electric gates which phone to our mobiles, so no danger of anyone calling to the house unexpectedly. I fully understand that not everyone would be happy with this approach, but me & DH have discussed it, and are comfortable with allowing her to learn a bit of independence but making sure any potential risks are mitigated.

I popped back into the house at 1.55 and found DD in the house by herself. We have a gas wood-burner type fire, which was lit. I asked where DH was, and she said he was at the gym, and had left at 12.45. She asked me if she could have some lunch as she was starving, and hadn't had any breakfast or lunch. I asked why Daddy hadn't made her lunch and she said she didn't know. I tried phoning DH, and no answer on his phone. I kept trying, and eventually phoned the gym and asked them to tell him he was urgently needed at home. I eventually made contact with him after trying to reach him for 25 minutes.

When he came back (after being gone for 1 1/2 hours in total) he told me I was completely over-reacting. He said he was going to give DD lunch when he got back (at 2.20pm), apparently the fire wasn't a risk because it has a glass front on it and is enclosed. Apparently it didn't matter that he was uncontactable, because I had my phone with me.

I am absolutely furious at his selfishness and recklessness.

I just don't know what to do. I told him I was going to report him to the police for child neglect. I worry though that if I involve any agencies such as police or SS it will have a devastating effect on our children.

He has since sent a text, very contrite and saying he realises his choices were poor, but tbh this is his form all over. Completely selfish, and only apologises after the fact, and after initially trying to minimise. When he came back from the gym he told me I was completely over-reacting.

I want him to change, and not to be so bloody selfish, but I know that not only is that not going to happen, it's also not for me to try to force it. So thinking aloud, my choices are either give him a complete bollocking over it, try to get him to realise why it was dangerous and unacceptable, but ultimately in the knowledge that he won't change, and that not reporting this is effectively condoning his behaviour - or - take action which in all probability means the end of my marriage and family life as my DC currently know it.

I just don't know what to do.

She was in danger.

She is 9 years old and nobody in the world (other than her useless, neglectful, uncaring prick of a father, who had his phone switched off) knew she was home alone.

Yes!

"Artisan bread. On the side "

I haven't read all the threads. I think you are really overreacting. I cannot believe that you have even let the thought of calling the police cross your mind. Yes your husband should have been a little more considerate, but he's hardly committed the crime of the century. We are all guilty of selfishness sometimes no one is a perfect parent.

I also think you are overly protective of DD. A nine year old should be capable of getting herself something to eat from the kitchen. Both my children could cook simple meals by that age, unsupervised and I could leave them alone for reasonable amounts of time provided they had access to my phone. Parents often have things (like work) to do whilst their children are a bit poorly and have to leave them alone for a while.

Yes your husband should probably have given the gym a miss. But you are treating him like an enemy over something relatively minor - annoying, yes but everything was more or less o.k. in the end. You are putting unnecessary strain on your relationship over this. I assume your DH ultimately loves your DD as much as you do and would step in front of a bus for her?

Get a grip.

She was in her own home, presumably n the sofa watching TV. She was not in danger.

I am surprised how many people are saying they would be happy to leave a 9 year old home alone, or expect her to make her own lunch.

I don't have children so maybe my opinion will change when I do but I have a 9 year old niece who regularly lives with me and there is no way on earth I would leave her unattended in the house.

Your child was off school poorly- what if she had gone down hill and this had turned into a life threatening illness? What if she had tried to make lunch but had badly cut herself with a knife or burned herself on the oven?

I would be fuming with your DH. I wouldn't report him though. If SS were involved and deemed him unfit to parent then he would have to leave your house.

Hear, hear BathtimeFunkster for your righteous rage. You're so right.

The key thing about leaving a DC on their own to develop independence is that you do it in controlled circumstances, so start off small like sgb describes by popping out to the shops and build up, ditto with preparing own meals. At all times a parent should be nearby and contactable instantly in case there are any problems.

Leaving a sickly 9 year old to fend for herself so you can have a workout at the gym and not be able to be reached on the phone - not controlled, not acceptable.

And to tell a 9 year old she is not allowed to eat when she's alone in case she chokes is seriously bonkers. Unless there is a backstory we don't know about.

A nine year old should be at the stage where they can make themselves a sandwich FGS and cope on their own for an hour or so. I'm with Hak and others - there was no danger.

Girlwithapearlearring - I think you're missing the point.

The OP's daughter was poorly, so ill in fact that she was off school. I'm sure normally she could pull together something to eat, but really you think it's fine to leave a sick 9 yr old to look after themselves ?

Massive overreaction. The fire was secure, a nine year old should be able to make a sandwich or a bowl of cereal. She wasn't starving in any sense of the word.

You sound like a loon.

She was on her own for about an hour rookie - she was also up and about asking for lunch because she was starving. Hardly the actions of a very sick child who needed her hand held constantly.

I think it was really bad and I would be very cross indeed. Of course a 9 year old could make a sandwich but she's ill and deserves to be looked after and taken care of by her parent. She didn't know how long he'd be gone and had no means of contacting him.

Additionally I do think leaving the fire on is not safe. In fact I think it is still part of the law on children that someone can be fined for leaving a child under 12 in a room with an unguarded fire. OK this wasn't quite that but even sensible 9 year olds can do dumb things with fires.

I wouldn't report him to anyone but I would have a serious talk with him.

Teenagers do dumb things with fires. Does that mean we shouldn't leave them alone too?

As for 'she's ill' - yes, she had a sore head. Plenty of children look after themselves while their parents pop out for an hour or so, even with a sore head (a sore head which didn't seem to affect her appetite or her ability to be up out of bed)

'Sun dried tomatoes, manchego, artisan breads...'

Somebody tell me she's kidding. PLEASE.

'The OP's daughter was poorly, so ill in fact that she was off school'

I read that. I also read that she had a bad headache and still had an appetite. Which would signal to most parents with experience that the child is a bit under the weather, needs a day off school to rest, and probably bright as rain in a couple of days. Is this not what has happened? Did DD need to go to hospital or something?

Many parents have to dose their children up with Calpol or Neurofen, tuck them in bed and leave them with a phone while they work/run errands for an hour. Some would do the above and send them to school regardless.

I'm not saying the DH should have gone to the gym, that was a bit thoughtless, but the O.P's reaction is way over the top and frankly, this leads me to think that there are other problems driving this 'shock' and anger.

Given a lot of the snidey judgments I am really quite glad I decided to name change.

No, DD isn't, thankfully, at death's door. She was unwell enough to be sent home from school yesterday, and has had a constant headache since, accompanied by a temperature and chills. She slept a lot yesterday, but was up and about a bit more today. However every so often, it all gets far too much for her, and she collapses into sobs. Having an appetite because she hasn't had breakfast or lunch doesn't automatically mean she is jumping around with health, as some people have suggested.

DD has a tendency to choking on food, hence telling her not to have snacks when we are out. I don't however try to make a big deal of it for her.

Yes she is sensible, but it doesn't make my DH fucking off to the gym and leaving her in the house, with no lunch, a lit fire, and not being contactable OK.

She does know how to make a sandwich- however she isn't allowed to when on her own in case she chokes.................

Lit fire or wood burner?

OK, in which case - your DH left a child for 1.5 hours who hadn't eaten during those 90 minutes. Hardly worth calling SS.

What is the medical reason for her tendency to choke at aged 9?

No, he absolutely shouldn't have left her if she was poorly and particularly with no breakfast or lunch- poor girl

But she wasn't in danger and it wasn't reckless. It was unkind and thoughtless and selfish and unfqtherly and gittish. But he didn't put her at risk.

It is incredibly reckless to leave a sick 9 year old alone for over an hour and switch off your phone and tell nobody she is by herself in the house.

Unbelievable behavhour.

I wouldn't let a prick like that have unsupervised contact after I divorced him.

"is incredibly reckless to leave a sick 9 year old alone for over an hour and switch off your phone"

Why?