DH has done something unbelievably stupid, dangerous and selfish. Really don't know what to do

[ThatBloodyCat]

I am reeling so much that I don't know where to begin. Not quite sure why I have name changed, but I have.

DD who is 9 was off school today because she was unwell - she has some sort of virus, I think, and has had a really bad headache. DH was able to work from home to stay with her, and he was due to leave the house at 2.30 to get a flight. We had discussed she would be OK for 30 minutes by herself and I would be back at 3pm.

She is a sensible child, and we have left her alone before, but always in a controlled fashion - short periods, no dangers around, she knows exactly where I am going, has my number, and usually is watching a movie. We have electric gates which phone to our mobiles, so no danger of anyone calling to the house unexpectedly. I fully understand that not everyone would be happy with this approach, but me & DH have discussed it, and are comfortable with allowing her to learn a bit of independence but making sure any potential risks are mitigated.

I popped back into the house at 1.55 and found DD in the house by herself. We have a gas wood-burner type fire, which was lit. I asked where DH was, and she said he was at the gym, and had left at 12.45. She asked me if she could have some lunch as she was starving, and hadn't had any breakfast or lunch. I asked why Daddy hadn't made her lunch and she said she didn't know. I tried phoning DH, and no answer on his phone. I kept trying, and eventually phoned the gym and asked them to tell him he was urgently needed at home. I eventually made contact with him after trying to reach him for 25 minutes.

When he came back (after being gone for 1 1/2 hours in total) he told me I was completely over-reacting. He said he was going to give DD lunch when he got back (at 2.20pm), apparently the fire wasn't a risk because it has a glass front on it and is enclosed. Apparently it didn't matter that he was uncontactable, because I had my phone with me.

I am absolutely furious at his selfishness and recklessness.

I just don't know what to do. I told him I was going to report him to the police for child neglect. I worry though that if I involve any agencies such as police or SS it will have a devastating effect on our children.

He has since sent a text, very contrite and saying he realises his choices were poor, but tbh this is his form all over. Completely selfish, and only apologises after the fact, and after initially trying to minimise. When he came back from the gym he told me I was completely over-reacting.

I want him to change, and not to be so bloody selfish, but I know that not only is that not going to happen, it's also not for me to try to force it. So thinking aloud, my choices are either give him a complete bollocking over it, try to get him to realise why it was dangerous and unacceptable, but ultimately in the knowledge that he won't change, and that not reporting this is effectively condoning his behaviour - or - take action which in all probability means the end of my marriage and family life as my DC currently know it.

I just don't know what to do.

Gym?
You sure?
I wouldn't be.

The issue here isn't what a nine year old can or can't do.

You had an agreement in place with him, you had discussed and agreed your parenting arrangements and he changed that without talking to you

Why didn't he let you know he was thinking of doing this...did he think he wouldn't get caught, has he done it before, what was so important at the gym and why couldn't you get hold of him...phones are allowed in the gym

You have posted in the relationship section, about a parenting issue, and I wonder why this is?

The staff at the gym were in a position to tell him he was needed urgently at home when I phoned, so yes, I think he was there.

I do wish all of you would RTFT and pick up on the other posts about his behaviour.

And I wouldn't be happy with a nine year old cooking alone in the house or using a bread knife alone or alternatively resorting to cereal instead of a proper lunch.

All of you?
Maybe you should read the FT.

I phrased that badly: I meant 'those if you who have not RTFT would do so'. I apologise,

Christina a decision I am beginning to regret. I forgot that relationships is only one rung down from AIBU .

Between being told that I am as irresponsible as my DH for planning to leave DD for 30 minutes, to finding out that my half assed attempts at teaching independence are nowhere near the achievements of some other 9 year olds, I really don't know what to think.

In between, there have been some very insightful observations - thank you, it has given me a lot to think about. I am finding that I am increasingly frustrated with DH and his self-entitled attitude. Today was the straw that broke the camel's back. I asked him for help with the laundry the other day, and I got the whole 'I'm exhausted, I can't cope with this' speech. But I'm bloody exhausted, and him going to the gym at least 4 times a week generates a lot of laundry - a point he seemed to have overlooked.

I try not to point score, but I do feel angry with him a lot. DH on the other hand does score petty points - if I ask him to do something, or if I say I'm unhappy about something, he will try to engineer a situation where it is turned round and he can say the same thing back to me.

I don't really know where to go from here. My parents split up when I was 11, and it was very damaging, however it cannot be healthy for my DC to grow up in a house where there is so much conflict. DH has already sent a few texts saying sorry for today, but it will be short-lived. It doesn't take away from the fact he did it in the first place, and then tried to minimise it by saying there was nothing wrong in what he did. This isn't about creating a mountain out of one incident, but about today being indicative of a much longer-standing problem.

Only you will know if he is a good father who has screwed up or a selfish twat who isn't good enough for you and your Dcs

Take a step back and think about the overall picture

Sorry I should have been clearer when asking why you posted here

It seems to me that this is raising some relationship issues and isn't just focused on bad parenting

I would be ok to leave my 9YO DD for half an hour for something unavoidable but the 2.5 hours he was prepared to leave her for most of which was to go the gym is completely unacceptable whether she was ill or not.

Had he had to nip to buy some food or something for his trip it would be so much more understandable but he didn't NEED to go to the gym at all - that was a completely self-centred indulgence.

TBH I think you need to consider some sort of relationship counselling where you can discuss/get out all this resentment and his selfishness & see if he is actually able to accept your point of view and start compromising rather than just being contrite.

him going to the gym at least 4 times a week

If he's exhausted, why is he going to the gym so often?
And if he's exhausted from the gym, then he can flex his muscles and do his cardio working at home.

I think this would be a good time to establish very firm boundaries about what you expect and are prepared to put up with, and have a plan for if they are crossed.

Lweji, gym 4 times a week, plus an hour walk at lunchtime 5 days a week. I spend my lunch period leaving work in a dash and collecting DC from school.

I suppose he can change, but I suspect not if you are not willing to walk away if he doesn't.

Please stop doing his laundry for him. If your 9yo can do laundry then he can too. And a few other things too. In fact, ask him to do this chore and that chore before he goes to the gym.

How long does he spend there at a time? 2 hours 4 times a week? That's 8 hours a week, plus lying about time so that's 10 or 12 hours a week?

Tell him that as he gets that much time to do as he pleases, then you are also worth that much time every week to do as you please, and you shall be out all day Saturday. He will be fully in charge of the children and the house, and that the hoovering will have to be done. Point out that you'll do your own laundry, and you'll leave him a list for the grocery shopping.

Op...the question really is:

If he wasn't wrong, why didnt he tell you he was going out at 12:45 knowing you were not going to officially be back until 3?

This just basically makes him a liar and a sneak.

What does he actually add to family life? Apart from dirty washing?

The danger is there regardless if a parent is present or not. The difference is when a parent is there they can cut out the risk to the child. However if the child is alone anything can happen depending on the childs reaction.

Its great for some that they wouldn't worry abut their 9 yr old choking but I worry about being alone and choking and I'm 32!

Also me and my siblings were left alone regularly and my older brother sexually abused me for 3 yrs but he was seen as responsible and I was seen to not be in any danger.

Op It seems you have a lot to think about with regards to your OH.
Best of Luck

I reaise this is totally irrelevant to the topic in hand but this:

"My 9 year old makes herself a snack of sundried tomatoes, cured meat, manchego cheese and rocket. Artisan bread on the side. No cooking involved and delicious too."

has to be the most MN-y post I have ever read! It has made me smirk for about 10 minutes

Oh, and OP, your DH sounds very lazy, entitled and selfish but I think you have completely over reacted to this incident.

Hope you're OK - these threads can be a bit bruising

Put my hands up . I haven't read the whole thread but I saw red when I saw that you and your husband had an agreement which he broke.

I saw such similarities to my own situation with my first husband. He was one of these feckless people whom I know left our children in potentially dangerous situations. There for the grace of god and so on.

He loved his children but his lack of boundaries led to them having a lack of boundaries in their teens.

Bollocking him will help you vent but will not change him . I tried that. The inherent problem lies with him and what he feels he can get away with .

This is the basic issue.

I don't think a child learns independence by being thrust into an unsafe situation. I think they learn more dependence if anything.. Knowing dad is going at 2-30 after they are fed and watered means the child does something constructive till mum arrives at three. That's confidence building.

Dad leaving before the agreed time and leaving without addressing or helping to address the child's needs in this case food...leads to uncertainty, confusion and probably clingy behaviour.

One scenario helps you to grow in confidence and the other the reverse.

I think what he did was really damaging to your child because he broke the trust and affected her confidence.

I feel like there are two children here.myoyr daughter and her father.

How long you want to be the mother to both of them depends on your mind set.

My piece of doo doo continued to lie and cheat throughout our married luntil he left and became someone else's problem.

I'm now with a man who would go down with his ship than leave his position of trust and believe me the difference is like comparing a beautiful hand crafted piece of furniture to something that comes in a flat pack .

That I think is the nub of the problem.

How much of your life do you want to give to be parent to another feckless child. This man won't change unless he wants to change...so bollock away if it helps you vent. He will accept his tongue lashing and then when another situation presents itself he will choose to please himself. He took advantage of the fact the cat was away till 3 so the mouse decided to play.

Sorry OP but he does not sound like a keeper.

Between being told that I am as irresponsible as my DH for planning to leave DD for 30 minutes, to finding out that my half assed attempts at teaching independence

There's a difference between leaving her to teach independence (I'll let my 9-year-old out to play now etc.) and leaving her when she's too ill to be at school.

Your daughter

We had a fire in our toaster and I had to call the fire brigade .

It was very scary.

Thankfully my children weren't home alone.

I think you're hugely overreacting. She was left alone for a short time. The fire was enclosed, so no actual fire risk. And presumably your daughter is not an idiot. She was not in any danger. She probably hadn't been given breakfast because she was feeling ill. If she became hungry, she could get something out of the fridge or make a piece of toast.
Your husband is irresponsible, but your talk of reporting him to the police for child neglect is frankly insane. I would feel differently if this were a 2 or 3 year old, but 9 year olds are really not that little.

I agree with the previous poster. I don't think that your daughter was placed at risk, and calling Social Services would be a huge overreaction.

And to be honest, a 9 year old should be able to make herself a sandwich.

However, your husband doesn't sound like the father of the year. He should have left lunch ready for your daughter before leaving.

To be honest, you sound somewhat controlling and your husband sounds irresponsible. You should probably sit down and talk about this - and compromise on both sides. Counselling or Relate might help.

By running yourself ragged 'doing it all' you have enabled him to prioritise himself (which unsurprisingly he does very well). Don't waste your time giving him a bollocking, he's not a seven year old and anyway he has totally factored in the bollocking as part of trade off for doing whatever he wants.

I think this incident has woken you up to the fact that he will tell barefaced lies and compromise his child's wellbeing in order to prioritise himself.

The only question that needs answering here is 'Why the fuck have I let him get away with it?'. You and your children deserve better than this man child.