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Original poster

DH has done something unbelievably stupid, dangerous and selfish. Really don't know what to do

221 replies

ThatBloodyCat · 05/02/2015 16:19

I am reeling so much that I don't know where to begin. Not quite sure why I have name changed, but I have.

DD who is 9 was off school today because she was unwell - she has some sort of virus, I think, and has had a really bad headache. DH was able to work from home to stay with her, and he was due to leave the house at 2.30 to get a flight. We had discussed she would be OK for 30 minutes by herself and I would be back at 3pm.

She is a sensible child, and we have left her alone before, but always in a controlled fashion - short periods, no dangers around, she knows exactly where I am going, has my number, and usually is watching a movie. We have electric gates which phone to our mobiles, so no danger of anyone calling to the house unexpectedly. I fully understand that not everyone would be happy with this approach, but me & DH have discussed it, and are comfortable with allowing her to learn a bit of independence but making sure any potential risks are mitigated.

I popped back into the house at 1.55 and found DD in the house by herself. We have a gas wood-burner type fire, which was lit. I asked where DH was, and she said he was at the gym, and had left at 12.45. She asked me if she could have some lunch as she was starving, and hadn't had any breakfast or lunch. I asked why Daddy hadn't made her lunch and she said she didn't know. I tried phoning DH, and no answer on his phone. I kept trying, and eventually phoned the gym and asked them to tell him he was urgently needed at home. I eventually made contact with him after trying to reach him for 25 minutes.

When he came back (after being gone for 1 1/2 hours in total) he told me I was completely over-reacting. He said he was going to give DD lunch when he got back (at 2.20pm), apparently the fire wasn't a risk because it has a glass front on it and is enclosed. Apparently it didn't matter that he was uncontactable, because I had my phone with me.

I am absolutely furious at his selfishness and recklessness.

I just don't know what to do. I told him I was going to report him to the police for child neglect. I worry though that if I involve any agencies such as police or SS it will have a devastating effect on our children.

He has since sent a text, very contrite and saying he realises his choices were poor, but tbh this is his form all over. Completely selfish, and only apologises after the fact, and after initially trying to minimise. When he came back from the gym he told me I was completely over-reacting.

I want him to change, and not to be so bloody selfish, but I know that not only is that not going to happen, it's also not for me to try to force it. So thinking aloud, my choices are either give him a complete bollocking over it, try to get him to realise why it was dangerous and unacceptable, but ultimately in the knowledge that he won't change, and that not reporting this is effectively condoning his behaviour - or - take action which in all probability means the end of my marriage and family life as my DC currently know it.

I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
temporaryusername · 05/02/2015 17:08

The 'really bad' headache is the thing that gets me. Someone should have been keeping an eye on her and keeping her hydrated. At any moment she could have become feverish or been sick. So leaving her any longer than necessary seems a very odd thing to do.

dalmatianmad · 05/02/2015 17:09

I'm confused! Report him for what exactly?
You had both already agreed to leave her alone later in the afternoon anyway Hmm
I think it's more worrying that you were planning on leaving her whilst she was ill, what if she developed a temperature and had a seizure?
I leave mine aged 13 and 11 to nip shopping etc and have done for a while but wouldn't if they were ill.
I think your more pissed off that your dh didn't stick to the original plan and went to the gym without your knowledge!

AmantesSuntAmentes · 05/02/2015 17:10

The thing is, being contactable in case of emergency is pretty much a red herring in the case of many emergencies. Many accidents could leave someone unable to call for help and my sisters decline into full blown meningitis, was so swift that one minute she had a headache - twenty minutes later she was completely incapacitated. I know these risks might be low but an 'emergency' is usually so swift by nature, that calling for help before it's too late is pretty unachievable. IMO, children who are ill (and particularly with a 'really bad headache'), shouldn't be left at all.

motherinferior · 05/02/2015 17:12

Has everyone else missed the post where she says he's in the gym, exhausted from the gym (and thus 'unable' to do housework) or lecturing about how she should go to the gym (on top of doing his share of the housework)?

MrsDeVere · 05/02/2015 17:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ThatBloodyCat · 05/02/2015 17:15

DD is able to use the phone and has our numbers - but as you say, he wasn't contactable. It was only fluke that I was able to pop home - I was due to be in a meeting at least a 45 minute drive away and probably would have had my phone on silent in my bag.

DD is able to make herself cereal, garb biscuits etc, but we have always said for her not to make herself something to eat whilst we are out (worried about choking), and as it is usually only for 30 minutes or so and she would always have been fed, so not normally an issue. She isn't allowed to use the toaster unsupervised.

It wasn't just 70 minutes. He left her at 12.45. He came back from the gym at 2.25, to leave at 2.30 to get a flight. I wasn't due back until 3pm.

You are all, of course, right. It would be a massive over reaction to contact police or SS. I was completely frustrated that a) he had left her to go to the gym along with the whole lunch and fire issue, b) he couldn't contacted and c) he didn't seem to give a shit when he did eventually come back.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 05/02/2015 17:15

No, motherinferior, but a lot of people do seem to have done.

Men who are 'unable' to do housework are, frankly, knobs. And that is what this OP is incandescent about, not surprisingly.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 05/02/2015 17:17

I would be LIVID! The selfish arsehole. Fair enough, leave her alone to do something necessary like school run or to get a loaf of bread. There is absolutely NO way that either I or my DH would have left a sick child alone for that long to go and have some me time. He should be putting his kids' needs before his desire to lift a few weights FFS!

And this thread is NOT about what age is appropriate to leave a child alone, that's a completely different thread. So can people stop bangin on about that. This is a sick child left alone for a LONG time for no good reason whatsoever, without basic care such as food. Neglect. Yes I'm quite sure in normal circumstances you COULD expect a 9yr old to make a sandwich WHERE NECESSARY eg if parent is a single parent and is unable to get out of bed due to bad illness etc and the child is fit and well themselves.

But this was a child who was ILL. She should have had EXTRA care given to her - if he'd had an urgent need to go somewhere for a short while he could have made her a sandwich and left it for her. This IS neglect. It's overlooking her well being completely.

So sad for her- she will know that he isnt lookig after her properly.

MrsDeVere · 05/02/2015 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsDeVere · 05/02/2015 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TastelesslyDone · 05/02/2015 17:23

If he was coming back for 2.25pm how was he going to have the time to fix her some (much needed) food before leaving the house at 2.30pm for a flight? He'd've probably forgotten to do that as well. Bit of a wanker by the sounds of it

wallypops · 05/02/2015 17:25

Ok I think this is largely cultural. In France very few parents wouldn't leave there child at home in these circumstances, popping home at lunch time to check everything is ok, feed them etc. Same on strike days at school.

Admittedly I don't do it, and was upset when I discovered that our helper had left my eldest (then 9) alone for a morning. Although I completely trust the child in question.

That your H has form, for not sticking to the plans because pleasing himself is more important, is a separate issue.

Viviennemary · 05/02/2015 17:25

I don't think it was a wise decision of your DH. It was selfish of him and he shouldn't have done this. As regards food. Yes he should have got her meals. But a nine year old is capable of making a sandwich or other snack for herelf. Personally I wouldn't report him to the police for child neglect. I'd be annoyed though that he didn't stick to the arrangements or told you he was going to the gym.

Jan45 · 05/02/2015 17:26

Seriously fair enough we are all entitled to our own personal choice when it comes to if and when we leave our children home alone but folk saying she couldn't have been that ill if she was hungry or, couldn't she fetch herself some breakfast and lunch - would you really be saying this if it was your child with a bad headache - what if she vomited, who's there to help her or should she be cleaning up her own sick too?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 05/02/2015 17:28

I'm probably not as livid as you think, MrsDevere! Grin overdone the caps a bit I guess!

I would not be contacting social services or any other agency but I would be livid with my DH and it and would be the last straw in the list of other shit things that the OP says he does. I couldn't be with someone that selfish and lacking in, well, care for others.

FatimaLovesBread · 05/02/2015 17:31

I was just about to post similar to your last post. So he got back from the gym at 2:20ish and was leaving at 2:30 but he had "planned" to have lunch with her in that 5-10minute window while he got his things ready to leave Hmm

LineRunner · 05/02/2015 17:33

Indeed.

He lies. He is lazy. He is smug.

Whoishillgirl · 05/02/2015 17:35

Your dh sounds like a generally selfish twonk who has abdicated all domesticity to you, OP and saw looking after ill dd as a chance for a skive. If he isn't prepared to change from being a selfish twonk then I would be thinking about my escape plan tbh.

bloodygorgeous · 05/02/2015 17:40

Agree with Viviennemary and others.

Selfish, yes. I'd be angry because she was ill and hungry and he should have been there.

But she's nine, this is well old enough to be home alone!

And make herself a meal.

And use the phone.

And know what to do in an emergency.

Call social services?????? Are you absolutely stark raving bonkers?!

Rafflesway · 05/02/2015 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KiaOraOAotearoa · 05/02/2015 17:48

Your child was ill and her Dad was meant to look after her. He didn't look after her. He went to the gym.
I would embarass the idiot, badly.

hamptoncourt · 05/02/2015 17:49

I would be furious - not exactly Dad of the Year is he?

Doesn't sound like he gives a shit about DD.

drudgetrudy · 05/02/2015 17:50

I wouldn't report to police and I think its okay to leave most 9year olds for an hour if well (people know their own kids).
However I think it was wrong to leave an ill child with a bad headache -risk of it being more serious than you thought and mean to have her looking after herself (making food etc) when feeling unwell.
I take it you weren't keeping her off school for very little reason.
I would go with giving him a bollocking-and I wouldn't trust him again if kids off ill.

Preciousbane · 05/02/2015 17:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rookiemere · 05/02/2015 17:55

That's just it though judgetrudy - if she can't trust him again if kids off ill, then what exactly is the point of having him as a partner and father?

It's not difficult to understand that if your young child is ill your role is to look after them and make sure their fluid levels are topped up and give them a light snack from time to time if they want it. It's not the time to be off pumping your guns (or whatever people do in the gym) and leaving your child to fend for themselves, even if said child is usually capable of getting themselves a bowl of cereal.

I wouldn't phone the police either, but I'd be incredibly p**d off. It was a momentary lapse I might forgive him, but it sounds more like that's his usual modus operandi.