DH has done something unbelievably stupid, dangerous and selfish. Really don't know what to do

[ThatBloodyCat]

I am reeling so much that I don't know where to begin. Not quite sure why I have name changed, but I have.

DD who is 9 was off school today because she was unwell - she has some sort of virus, I think, and has had a really bad headache. DH was able to work from home to stay with her, and he was due to leave the house at 2.30 to get a flight. We had discussed she would be OK for 30 minutes by herself and I would be back at 3pm.

She is a sensible child, and we have left her alone before, but always in a controlled fashion - short periods, no dangers around, she knows exactly where I am going, has my number, and usually is watching a movie. We have electric gates which phone to our mobiles, so no danger of anyone calling to the house unexpectedly. I fully understand that not everyone would be happy with this approach, but me & DH have discussed it, and are comfortable with allowing her to learn a bit of independence but making sure any potential risks are mitigated.

I popped back into the house at 1.55 and found DD in the house by herself. We have a gas wood-burner type fire, which was lit. I asked where DH was, and she said he was at the gym, and had left at 12.45. She asked me if she could have some lunch as she was starving, and hadn't had any breakfast or lunch. I asked why Daddy hadn't made her lunch and she said she didn't know. I tried phoning DH, and no answer on his phone. I kept trying, and eventually phoned the gym and asked them to tell him he was urgently needed at home. I eventually made contact with him after trying to reach him for 25 minutes.

When he came back (after being gone for 1 1/2 hours in total) he told me I was completely over-reacting. He said he was going to give DD lunch when he got back (at 2.20pm), apparently the fire wasn't a risk because it has a glass front on it and is enclosed. Apparently it didn't matter that he was uncontactable, because I had my phone with me.

I am absolutely furious at his selfishness and recklessness.

I just don't know what to do. I told him I was going to report him to the police for child neglect. I worry though that if I involve any agencies such as police or SS it will have a devastating effect on our children.

He has since sent a text, very contrite and saying he realises his choices were poor, but tbh this is his form all over. Completely selfish, and only apologises after the fact, and after initially trying to minimise. When he came back from the gym he told me I was completely over-reacting.

I want him to change, and not to be so bloody selfish, but I know that not only is that not going to happen, it's also not for me to try to force it. So thinking aloud, my choices are either give him a complete bollocking over it, try to get him to realise why it was dangerous and unacceptable, but ultimately in the knowledge that he won't change, and that not reporting this is effectively condoning his behaviour - or - take action which in all probability means the end of my marriage and family life as my DC currently know it.

I just don't know what to do.

I think 9 is a bit young to leave a child, ill, at home alone for any amount of time. But k can't get my head around why she wasn't able to ask for some breakfast if she was hungry and get herself something easy when he was at the gym. Where obviously he shouldn't have been anyway.

You don't seem to like your DH very much.

You have a wider problem with his selfishness and lack of effort around the house. Yes your dd should be able to make herself a sandwich at 9, but neither should he leave a sick child and be uncontactable.

Sunny, surely a 9 year old understands about burning things being hot? My under two year old is starting to grasp that and knows not to touch the grill. I am pretty sure he'll be totally on top of 'hot hurts' when he is 9.

I think you're MASSIVELY overracting. On the one hand it's ok if you both decide to leave her but he's not "allowed" to make a similar choice alone??

yes I know whoishillgirl, it was a sad attempt at irony

So you were planning to leave her alone for 30 mins and she was left alone for 70?

Why did she not ask her father for some lunch? Or breakfast? Or get any herself?

I am not saying I wouldn't be annoyed with him. But I would be annoyed because he didn't do what he said he would do.

About the fire, it is a gas fire, that looks like a wood burner. It can be switched on and off easily.

We had an incident a couple of years ago where my other child decided he wanted to warm his dressing gown on it (thankfully I was there and dealt with it straight away) but in the second that he had put his dressing gown on it, it had completely melted.

Given the previous incident, we have spoken to the DC at length about fire safety, not to ever try to touch the fire or put anything on it, and what to do in the event of an emergency. But even so, I would always switch the fire off when going out, and DH knows this.

I think that (a) it's a bit harsh to say the poor child should have fixed her own lunch: she's nine, she's not feeling great and frankly I wouldn't want a nine-year-old messing around with bread knives or stuffing herself on biscuits in that situation (b) he sounds bloody awful.

"well let's see she could have opened the woodburner and stuck her hand in?"

Yep, because a 9 year old brought up with a wood burner is really going to do that.......

Oh ok, sorry Sunny.

arghghghghg it was a joke hak

I agree with NrsDV (and many other posters) it's OK to leave a 9 year old who is happy about it for 30 mins here and there. My DS is 9 and he'll be walking to school on his own in 8 months.

However it does seem selfish to leave a poorly 9 year old on their own just so you can get your gym fix in. Thats what I'd be bollocking him about not that she was at any serious risk but that it's selfish and thoughtless.

You threatened to report him to the police??? This is your DH? Is he the father of your DD? Personally, I would sort it out myself without involving outside agencies.

The problem here isn't that she was left alone in itself. She's been left alone before. The problem is that your dh has been given an inch and taken a mile.

You had decided, as some do and some don't, that it was OK to leave a sensible 9 yr old alone for short, carefully managed periods, with risk minimised. We started doing something similar when ours were that age, and slowly built it up, over a number of years. But your dh decided to go straight from the earliest stage to buggering off for an hour and a half, leaving an unfed child and a lit fire. I'm surprised that he couldn't see a problem with that. And feeding her at 2.20 after no breakfast isn't a late lunch - it's two missed meals.

I think you are totally overreacting and think it would do you good to hear stories of proper child neglect to understand what Social Services have to deal and how stupid it would be if you to report your husband.

Id leave my 9 year home and expect him to make his own breakfast or lunch. Maybe you need to teach your child this important life skill?

TwelveLeggedWalk, honestly, no apology necessary! You were right, it is a rl possibility, sadly. Sister survived but it was very touch and go. Deterioration from severe headache into vom, photosensitivity and hallucinations was swift. There was no-one home to help her and act on the new symptoms, when they should have been, so treatment was dangerously delayed

I think you are going down the completely wrong path with this OP. My issue would be that he has a sick child at home, who presumably needs a little bit more attention than normal, and he put his needs above hers.

He's selfish. Very selfish.

OK, flights and work couldn't be changed so the plan was to leave her for 30 minutes - not ideal but I understand the circs. But to leave a poorly child to go to the gym. Nah. Selfish.

I don't understand how anyone looking after a child would "forget" to feed her until gone 2pm, gym or no gym. Did she refuse food earlier?

It might be that the 9 year old isn't allowed to make toast/use the kettle/sharp bread knife etc, those asking about feeding herself, even if she was well enough to wobble to the kitchen and do it.

Couldn't she make herself a sandwich?

Obviously leaving her to go the gym for two hours is not on but I don't see why she couldn't make some lunch. The fire wouldn't bother me.

It isn't just about your dd being left and was she/wasn't she safe (and I think the being unwell is a big factor there). It isn't just the consequences or potential consequences of his actions, it is the cause of them! It isn't so much that he went, as that he chose to. Most people who do happily leave children alone would not have left a child who was unwell just to go to the gym, whether they thought it was dangerous or not, they wouldn't have wanted to.

There are several issues here, the main one being your husband has no common-sense and is very selfish as everyone has said. Going out to pick another child up from school quickly and returning back in 30 min to look after a mature 9 year old- acceptable in this house. Going out for a hobby, a not at all urgent gym session, leaving a child without lunch til 2, one who is ill and needs someone checking/making them a drink every 20/30 min, not ok at all.

Even if he thought this was ok, he wasn't contactable by mobile which would be my number one priority if I left my children for a short period (which I do).

I agree with everyone though, talk of SS and reporting is utterly daft and will backfire on you as you all come under unpleasant scrutiny.

A frank discussion about the gym, his obsession, his selfishness, his inability to assess risk for his child (if she'd practiced getting her lunch, practiced using the mobile, practiced staying for over an hour in advance, all this might be slightly more excusable), his complete stupidity at going out and then being UNAVAILABLE in the event of an emergency would just about cover it though:)

The problem is that your dh has been given an inch and taken a mile.

basket has it!

He took advantage of the fact that you were being forced into leaving her for half an hour later on to justify using today as a nice day off for himself.

TBF MrsDeVere, it wasn't the OP who said no child should be left alone ever.

I don't think "don't forget we have strict rules that children should be fed" is usually something one parent needs to say to another, is it? Surely it's the assumption? If I were babysitting a friend's child I would keep a regular check on whether they were hungry and if so, get them something, let alone remember to feed my own child meals at breakfast/lunch times.

I want him to change, and not to be so bloody selfish, but I know that not only is that not going to happen,

I'm guessing he has previous form for this sort of thing, then?