DH has done something unbelievably stupid, dangerous and selfish. Really don't know what to do

[ThatBloodyCat]

I am reeling so much that I don't know where to begin. Not quite sure why I have name changed, but I have.

DD who is 9 was off school today because she was unwell - she has some sort of virus, I think, and has had a really bad headache. DH was able to work from home to stay with her, and he was due to leave the house at 2.30 to get a flight. We had discussed she would be OK for 30 minutes by herself and I would be back at 3pm.

She is a sensible child, and we have left her alone before, but always in a controlled fashion - short periods, no dangers around, she knows exactly where I am going, has my number, and usually is watching a movie. We have electric gates which phone to our mobiles, so no danger of anyone calling to the house unexpectedly. I fully understand that not everyone would be happy with this approach, but me & DH have discussed it, and are comfortable with allowing her to learn a bit of independence but making sure any potential risks are mitigated.

I popped back into the house at 1.55 and found DD in the house by herself. We have a gas wood-burner type fire, which was lit. I asked where DH was, and she said he was at the gym, and had left at 12.45. She asked me if she could have some lunch as she was starving, and hadn't had any breakfast or lunch. I asked why Daddy hadn't made her lunch and she said she didn't know. I tried phoning DH, and no answer on his phone. I kept trying, and eventually phoned the gym and asked them to tell him he was urgently needed at home. I eventually made contact with him after trying to reach him for 25 minutes.

When he came back (after being gone for 1 1/2 hours in total) he told me I was completely over-reacting. He said he was going to give DD lunch when he got back (at 2.20pm), apparently the fire wasn't a risk because it has a glass front on it and is enclosed. Apparently it didn't matter that he was uncontactable, because I had my phone with me.

I am absolutely furious at his selfishness and recklessness.

I just don't know what to do. I told him I was going to report him to the police for child neglect. I worry though that if I involve any agencies such as police or SS it will have a devastating effect on our children.

He has since sent a text, very contrite and saying he realises his choices were poor, but tbh this is his form all over. Completely selfish, and only apologises after the fact, and after initially trying to minimise. When he came back from the gym he told me I was completely over-reacting.

I want him to change, and not to be so bloody selfish, but I know that not only is that not going to happen, it's also not for me to try to force it. So thinking aloud, my choices are either give him a complete bollocking over it, try to get him to realise why it was dangerous and unacceptable, but ultimately in the knowledge that he won't change, and that not reporting this is effectively condoning his behaviour - or - take action which in all probability means the end of my marriage and family life as my DC currently know it.

I just don't know what to do.

I was left alone for long periods of time - it was the 70's, DM was a single parent - but I vividly remember being home alone when I had chickenpox when I was 12. It was miserable and I was scared being on my own - completely not my 'normal' reaction, but I was ill.

I was only left on my own because DM had work, and I was used to it, and I was a lot older. I imagine your DD has certainly got the message about where she stands in her dad's priority list after today OP

I'm still amazed at these handy snacks that nine year olds are knocking up. Or at your snack-friendly fridges.

Why are you worried about her choking? I'm not asking this to have a go, but wondering if there is a reason that you are worried about that.

My 9 year old makes herself a snack of sundried tomatoes, cured meat, manchego cheese and rocket. Artisan bread on the side. No cooking involved and delicious too.

Its ok motherinferior - DS can just about slap some ham on a wrap or peanut butter on bread, but I think he'd struggle with doing either of those if left on his own during the day with a headache. He's two months short of 9 though so maybe that makes all the difference .

Depends what you have in the fridge I guess.

So he'd allowed himself 5 mins to grab his luggage etc, leaving basically no time at all to check up on how your dd was and sort out anything she needed before leaving? It is almost like to him she is invisible or is something that is there, but makes no demands of him.

I haven't painted a great picture, have I?

Yes, he is incredibly selfish a lot of the time. I call him L'Oreal man - 'because I'm worth it'. Going back to my OP though, I can't see him changing. He is immune to bollocking. He might be contrite for a bit, but always goes back to his old ways. So I either put up or shut up.

To make matters worse, DH came home from work yesterday and was criticising the fact that DD was watching TV. He said it wasn't good for her if she had a headache (despite the fact she had slept for 3 hours in the afternoon). So happy to criticise me allowing her to watch TV, but equally happy to leave her while he goes to the gym. It all sounds quite dysfunctional when written down.

He sounds like a complete arse tbh thebloodycat - I rarely swear in threads, but I feel I have to at the way your DH is behaving. Watching TV is bad but leaving an ill child home alone for no good reason is acceptable ?

Hang on, she's not allowed to eat when she's alone in case she chokes- she's not allowed to use the toaster unsupervised, you think she's in massive danger from the wood burner I presume she has grown up with.........

Your Dp has behaved like a bit of a git. But, in other news, she's 9, not 5!

I haven't painted a great picture, have I?

Well he sounds like a pratt to me. And I get the impression the picture you painted is fairly accurate.

What do you want to do about it? If you know that he won't change his behaviour then you are right you have to tolerate it or LTB.

I wouldn't choose to live with someone who prioritised their vanity over their sick child but it's not my call.

sorry but you are both as bad as each other .she is only 9 .left in a controlled manner indeed .sorry but report him if you like you will look every bit as negligent .even if he had not went out .you should have been back for him going to catch plane .sorry kettle /pot /black spring to mind

1. He absolutely deserves a bollocking because this wasn't what you agreed, doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or would do

1. You can't say YOU are happy for her to learn some independence then not tell her at 9, couldn't she have got her own breakfast /lunch?

1. I don't think you are actually bothered about her learning independence. You leave her occasionally when that works for you. And that's fine. But call a spade a spade!

Apropos of nothing I feel I should add that my kids are now 14 and 11 and get their own breakfasts and fix their packed lunches. This does however involve some forward fridge planning.

OP he really does sound like an arse and I would find life with him unbearable.

Cabhrina I don't think you are in a position to say that. I could list loads of things that we are helping DD to learn to be more independent - she does get her own breakfast or lunch, just not when she is by herself (which shouldn't arise anyway, because she is normally fed), we are teaching her to manage money, and to shop and pay for things by herself. She knows how to sort laundry and load the washing machine. She helps to plan meals and make shopping lists. DS is the same. But that isn't what the thread is about.

I do think you've over-reacted about the safety aspect of leaving her alone. It always amazes me that you can send your children out to play in the traffic or to get abducted from the park, or make them ride their bicycles in the road alongside juggernauts at pretty much any age and no-one bats an eyelid, least of all the authorities, but leave them in the relative safety of their own home for an hour and suddenly you're the most irresponsible parent in the world.

However, I do think your DH was a selfish arse to go off and leave her on her own while she was poorly just to do something as unimportant as going to the gym.

You have electric gates if she had an emergency and phoned 999 how would they get in? Who's she going to phone in an explosion or a fire or being unconscious? Your both to blame him more so by a small degree.

Sorry op you don't leave a child that long, but if he's a dick head as you say then get rid, he's taken your example and extended it to the enth degree, you never leave a child that young alone your both bang to rights as far as SS are concerned.

I am quite surprised that not being available/having contact with an adult is not considered an issue when leaving quite young (not teen) children alone. A nine year old may be quite competent to sit there and not do anything terrible, but they don't have the decision-making capacity of an adult, that's why we have a duty of care. I would expect a child left alone to have some way to contact or alert an adult, in the past they would have run to a neighbour's house (I live on an estate and still tell my children to go to friends' houses- they have a list!), these days they can have a mobile or use the house phone and should have a list of numbers to call- with someone at least available some of the time.

As for it being 'too late' if there's an emergency or the child being too sick, again, a nine year old may not know what an emergency is or how to handle things which aren't great but aren't life-threatening- for example, if the toaster sparks, if they drop a glass and it shatters everywhere, if they cut themselves making that sandwich. Not life-threatening, but a child shouldn't have to decide all by themselves how to handle these situations without any adult input. My relation set his house on fire aged 10- he didn't call 999 as he was scared of being found out (he'd been playing with matches) so he ran to the neighbours who then called for him.

I would be annoyed at this- he went to the gym, switched his phone off or wasn't available, didn't know you were, you live in a house with electric gates (can the child even get out of the house in an emergency, important in a fire).

Knowing my children can get out safely (using the keys) and can contact an adult (even just to ring and say 'when are you coming back?') is more important to me than how long they are left within limits- 30 min or 1.30 min, if they can't contact anyone is too long.

Your relationship sounds far more harmful to dd than leaving her alone for a period of time. You seem to be point scoring and resentful of one another. Is this the real issue?

I'm another one who is progressing with occasionally leaving DC home alone - he is 10 now and I started, when he was 8, doing the occasional rapid dash to the shop for forgotten milk/bread or whatever. Now he's OK for an hour or so: we don't have any open fires, it's a safe neighbourhood and there are a couple of neighbours he could run to in an emergency. I have left him for 20 minutes when he was off school with a bug, in order to get something for our lunch (as had not expected him to be off school and therefore had nothing in for lunch.)

But that's not the issue here - it sounds like your H is demonstrating, yet again, that neither you nor DD matter as much as he does, and that he won't put himself out one tiny bit for either of you. What are the benefits of keeping him as a partner? Do they outwiegh the stress of not only being unable to trust him to look after a sick child, but being obliged to clear up after him and cater to him as well, with no input and no sharing of chores or responsibilities?

I see this a little differently.

I think the key issue here is that you and your DH had an agreement about childcare. You both discussed and "signed off" on the arrangement that he would leave at 2.30pm and you would arrive at 3pm.

He broke this agreement. And he did so without informing you. And there were no extenuating circumstances. And it is an issue that involves one of the most serious responsibilities you have in your life: your child.

To me, this is worrying. His actions suggest a range of very awkward attitudes on his part: 1) that he doesn't think breaking agreements with you is an issue, 2) that he doesn't think informing you that he has broken an agreement is important, 3) that he doesn't think he requires extenuating circumstances to break an agreement with you, 4) he doesn't think agreements over one of the most serious responsibilities you have are that important, 5) that he doesn't think his child is one of the most serious responsibilities in his life.

He may think all of these or none at all, but his actions would make me wonder.

You had your phone.
You could be contacted.
Therefore, he could have contacted you to say he was going to the gym and you were now emergency contact.

But he didn't.

Because he knew it was wrong.

Sounds a lot like my selfish, entitled, gym obsessed ex.

What concerns me, in no particular order, is

1. Why he left her.
   Was it an emergency? Was it something that couldn't wait?
   No.
   He wanted to go to the gym, FGS.

2. how long he left her.
   I wouldn't go mad about leaving a sensible 9 year old at home for a limited period of time, but that's quite a long time to leave a sick child.

3. the fact that you'd agreed something different. Agreements between parents about the welfare of their children are important.

4. the fact that he left her with no lunch.
   Sure, she can make her own - but what loving parent clears off to the gym without even asking their sick child if she'd like something to eat?? Would you?

In my view his actions were not those of a loving father.

He's a git. And thoughtless. And selfish. And leaving her with nothing to eat was a horrible thing to do- poor girl.

But she wasn't in danger. You are putting yourself in the wrong by going on about danger.

The other thing about this that would grind my nads is his reply that you were contactable.

He was responsible for a sick child. You were at work.

He just decided to pass on the responsibility for your daughter to you without your knowledge or agreement, so he could go and enjoy himself.

Who the fuck does he think he is?

He left a sick child alone and made himself (the person in charge) uncontactable for several hours.

And his back up plan was that if something went wrong she could just ring her mother? Who was at work? Thinking the child was being cared for by her father?

A fucking sick 9 year old was alone with no way of reaching her primary carer (at that time) for 2 hours?

I have the rage and I don't even know this fucker.

Please don't put up or shut up.

Tell him to make other arrangements when he gets back. He doesn't deserve either of you.