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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't know how much longer I can carry on like this.

441 replies

messyoldmess · 20/10/2006 22:10

I made the tough decision to end my marriage around 5 months ago.
My H had temper & control issues & I tried everything I could to make things better, but nothing worked & I finally accepted that we needed to go our seperate ways.
H seemed to go along with it all at the time & told me he was moving in with a friend in a couple of weeks. It never happened, as H came up with lots of silly excuses as to why it was not sensible. He said he would not leave until our house sold.
We are now nearly 5 months down the line & I feel we are in limbo land. Nothing seems to have moved on & he is still getting to me.
Our house has not sold & I am starting to go out of my mind.
I have had a few people suggest I look into renting somewhere, but I don't know if that would affect my position re the house & divorce etc.
I can't carry on like this for much longer.

OP posts:
skippydog · 20/10/2006 22:13

Get in touch with Womans Aid - they will give you all the help you need - they done me proud.

Original poster
messyoldmess · 20/10/2006 22:14

My parents think of him as golden boy, because he is constantly doing things for them.

OP posts:
fransmom · 20/10/2006 22:14

babe

maybe you could go and see c.a.b. monday? is the house in both your names? don't really know what to suggest but the best thing i can think of is to go and see cab, as they're free and can advise you.

will bump this for you so so that somebody who has better advice will see you x

Original poster
messyoldmess · 20/10/2006 22:14

Really, do you think they could help me now?

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 20/10/2006 22:17

Thanks.
I went to the CAB about my seperation situation back in the summer, but I didn't realise I would still be so stuck 4 months later.
He has been trying to get on at me about the fact I took a late mini pill nearly 8 years back which resulted in DS1. He just tries anything to get at me & I can't stand it anymore. I need to get out.

OP posts:
CountTo10 · 20/10/2006 22:19

When you say now do you mean at this time? I'm not sure if they have a national helpline but have a look at your local phone directory and they should have details in there. They and womens aid are defo the way to go for advice.

It sounds like a tough situation and although renting sounds like an option it's a lot od upheaval for you at an already difficult time. Having said that, you'll need to move out and make a fresh start at some point.

Hope you hang in there and things get easier

Original poster
messyoldmess · 20/10/2006 22:22

I guess what I mean is that I assosiate womans aid with the abuse side of thigs. I have now taken steps to get out & he is not really being abusive, he is just being his usual arse self & I can't see an end to it atm.

OP posts:
fransmom · 20/10/2006 22:24

if they couldn't i think they should be able to suggest somewhere that could. women's aid is good idea, not sure how you could get in touch with them; maybe previous poster could help with that one. def go to cab as well, if you phone up you might be able to get an appointment, or they might prefer you to go for a drop-in session first.(that's what they do at local to me- they use the drop-in to take notes then they can see from there who might be best placed to help you properly.) it might also be good idea, when/if you do go to ask trusted friend to babysit (if you have children) so that you can concentrate on what advisor (sp?) is saying, if no sitter, then take plentyof toys.

sorry i am assuming that you have children, apologies if incorrect x

CountTo10 · 20/10/2006 22:24

No they ar emuch more than that. They will be able to advise you on your rights re the divorce, offer you some support/counselling and help you through the transistion into being a single parent. Its not just women in abusive relationships that need support!!! Sounds like he's not that great and it might be nice if you had some people around you just looking out for you.

tiptoes · 20/10/2006 22:26

messyoldmess-You sound like you have been really strong up until now.
Don't let him mess with your head.Ignore all that stuff about your DS,your DH sounds like he knows this would upset you and is playing on it.

If he is such a golden boy as far as your parents are concerned then why does'nt he go and stay there.Surely they can see how this is upsetting you and would want to help.

fransmom · 20/10/2006 22:27

ps there is sucha thing as emotional abuse eg mind games etc. it's not just physical abuse that is so hard to go through ((((((((hugs)))))))
i am looking through a parenting book i have for some addresses/numbers for you, bear with me x

Freckle · 20/10/2006 22:28

What is happening re the divorce? If you can speed that side of things up, the issue of the house can be dealt with within those proceedings.

Is there much equity in the house?

Original poster
messyoldmess · 20/10/2006 22:28

I have two children.
I have a solicitor who I am seeing again at the end of the month & have been to CAB once, but will make another appt.
I thought I would have moved on by now & I can't.

OP posts:
fransmom · 20/10/2006 22:28

ps there is sucha thing as emotional abuse eg mind games etc. it's not just physical abuse that is so hard to go through ((((((((hugs)))))))
i am looking through a parenting book i have for some addresses/numbers for you, bear with me x

Original poster
messyoldmess · 20/10/2006 22:35

I know, fransmom, & although it took me a long time to accept that this was happening in my own life, this is why I eventually made the decision to end the marriage.
I still sometimes find it all hard to get my head around, but he can make me feel so bad.
Tonight he said "I see why your parents say what they say about you"
My parents have offered for him to stay while they are away, but he doesn't want to go because they don't have sky!
I have said that I would stay there with the boys if he doesn't & I think my parents are ok with this.
At least I may have a two week break!

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 20/10/2006 22:37

Freckle, I have started the ball rolling re divorce, but he still hasn't seen a solicitor.

OP posts:
fransmom · 20/10/2006 22:37

women's aid 0808 2000 247 (24hr helpline)
(bristol area)
website: www.womensaid.org.uk

shelter 0808 800 44 44 website: www.shelter.org.uk

you might not be quite ready for the next two just yet,(and i don't wish to upset you further but may be in the future)

gingerbread
0800 018 4318 (advice line mon-fri, 9-5)

020 7488 4318(london number)
www.gingerbread.org.uk

national council for one parent families

free info on maintenance, tax credits, work, education, legal rights, childcare and holidays and its free

0800 018 5026(mon-fri, 9-5)

hth x

Freckle · 20/10/2006 22:39

Has the petition been issued yet? If not, why not? The fact that he hasn't seen a solicitor should not stop your solicitor from forging ahead. There are mechanisms to deal with the matter if he tries to avoid dealing with it in a reasonable way.

Original poster
messyoldmess · 20/10/2006 22:39

Thanks, fransmom

OP posts:
fransmom · 20/10/2006 22:40

perhaps they think of him as golden because they don't really see what he is like to live with on day to day basis and don't really understnad what is happening? unless if it's been going on for since summer, perhaps they don't know how deep it goes? it may be worth trying your parents, though is he likely to change locks etc while you out? though if your name is on deeds as well as his, i don't hink he can legally, perhaps an mner solicitor can help with this side of things?

Original poster
messyoldmess · 20/10/2006 22:42

I am going back to my solicitor at the end of the month, Freckle, & will find out.
We had to try mediation, but after 1 session, I can't see us going back, as H took a dislike to the mediator & didn't like what she told him.

OP posts:
fransmom · 20/10/2006 22:43

no probs mess x agree with freckle though. just because he hasn't got off his arse doesn't mean you can sit on yours. you need to take whatever steps you can to start ball rolling over weekend so you ready to go monday.

i don't mean to be harsh x

Original poster
messyoldmess · 20/10/2006 22:43

I have tried & tried to make my parents understand, but they won't accept any of it.

OP posts:
fransmom · 20/10/2006 22:44

could you get appt before then/bring appt forward as urgent matter?

fransmom · 20/10/2006 22:46

babe