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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Don't know how much longer I can carry on like this.

441 replies

messyoldmess · 20/10/2006 22:10

I made the tough decision to end my marriage around 5 months ago.
My H had temper & control issues & I tried everything I could to make things better, but nothing worked & I finally accepted that we needed to go our seperate ways.
H seemed to go along with it all at the time & told me he was moving in with a friend in a couple of weeks. It never happened, as H came up with lots of silly excuses as to why it was not sensible. He said he would not leave until our house sold.
We are now nearly 5 months down the line & I feel we are in limbo land. Nothing seems to have moved on & he is still getting to me.
Our house has not sold & I am starting to go out of my mind.
I have had a few people suggest I look into renting somewhere, but I don't know if that would affect my position re the house & divorce etc.
I can't carry on like this for much longer.

OP posts:
zookeeper · 30/11/2006 07:56

oh dear I haven't been very clear - he will be sent a copy of the petition!

He's bound to be furious initially - noone likes receiving a divorce petition but a goos solicitor should send him a letter explaining that you have beeen advised that this is the best way forward.

You could always invite him to petition you for u. behaviour (it may gall but if it gets you shot of himit's an option.) Give him (through your solicitos)2 weeks to start proceedings by filing a petition. If he hssn't done it at the end of two weeks then at least you've tried.

I suppose the point I'm making is that, from a legal point of view, it really doesn't matter who issues the petition and what is said - if you r marriae is over I wouldn't waste energy on this - I would save it for negotiaatinag a good financial settlement. Behaviour will not affect any financial settlement unless it is really, really bad.

zookeeper · 30/11/2006 08:27

sorry about typos - multitasking unsuccessfully here!

messyoldmess · 30/11/2006 12:50

Okay, thanks for explaining, zookeeper.
I will go along next week with my list & let my solicitor do whatever he thinks best.
It is more scary because of us both still living under the same roof atm. I think he will get very stroppy when he receives this letter, but it's something I have to expect & deal with.

OP posts:
zookeeper · 30/11/2006 13:45

he's bound to but hopefully it will force him to go and get legal advice and his solicitor will talk to him and hopefully calm him down. Do tell your solicitor that you are worried about this and she can mention it when she is writing to him. You don't have to live in fear of him!

messyoldmess · 30/11/2006 14:18

Thanks, zookeeper. I am a feeling a bit scared of his reaction to the letter, but know it can't be avoided.
My appointment is a week today & I am feeling sick with worry. I also, strange as this may sound, am feeling pretty sad & emotional.

OP posts:
Blu · 30/11/2006 17:42

MoM - remember that you have been through a whole series of things that you were terrified of broaching with H. And although not pleasant, you have survived them all, and you will survive this one.

I completely understand the advice Zookeeper has given, and the legal function it fulfills - but in some ways, if you can do it, might it not be good to have some of the more extreme examplas put down in black and white? You know full well that this is going to be brandished to yours and his relatives, and if it gives a bit of a glimpse of what has gone on, it might be better than enabling him to divert all the blame, from all the family, on to you. 'see how ridiculous she is, divorcing me because ...x.y,z trival reasons!'. Tougher to do in some ways, but it might make you feel stronger in the long run. Not holding out any mad hope that your family would actually support you - but I would hate to see you go through this, looking at the divorce letter and, knowing you, perhaps coming to believe that you are in fact trivial. Because of course, you are not.

And if / when he kicks off, you can remind him that he admitted he had been a really nasty H to you.

You have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide, I know a divorce proceeding isn't the judge and jury of you as a character, but I hate to think of you being bullied out of even telling the truth to a court as to why your marriage has failed.

Zookeepers info sounds really useful.

Stop fretting! There are 6 whole days between now and yu appointment on which you will NOT be in the appointment! Don't make me send you a nice relaxing scented candle, now! ()

messyoldmess · 30/11/2006 18:30

I know you're right, Blu. I am still feeling a bit on the petrified side though!
It's all so huge & unknown & frightening, but something I know has to be got through.
My 2nd mediation session will be happening the following Friday & I am feeling all churned up thinking about it all.
I will try to stop fretting though. I really don't need anymore candles, as guess where I went last night & won a blimmin tealight in the process!!

OP posts:
mamama · 30/11/2006 18:41

Congrats on your tealight, messy! I've never won anything.

Blu · 30/11/2006 18:42

It's also a boring paper-based bureaucratic process, iyswim, and it may help to think of it all as a heap of bloody old gas bills that need sorting out.

I know that won't help the emotional stuff - but the divorce procedure itself is bureacracy. Your actual marrriage finally fell apart that night he stalked you, leaving your children alone at night. And blamed you. The emotional torture (and I'm sure it feels like nothing less) is having him in the house criticising you, winding you up, upsetting you and flaunting his new clothes like some puffed up peacock. Going over it all with your solicitor - even mediation - is a step, a really BIG step towards your freedom from all that.

I feel inadequate now. I have NEVER been invited to a candle party!

messyoldmess · 30/11/2006 18:59

I'm going to TB's house for a few glasses of wine in a bit, so that should help chill me out a little.
I need chilling for other reasons now - as after leaving both boys happily watching the Backyardigans while I had a quick shower (H isn't in yet) I came down to two empty chocolate advent calendars & two brown faced DS's!!!

OP posts:
messyoldmess · 30/11/2006 19:01

I was non too pleased, but DS1 said "But mummy, I didn't eat number 1!"
He ate 2-24, but not number 1!!!

OP posts:
tribpot · 30/11/2006 19:54

Snort. Could you wipe the dses' faces with H's ludicrously expensive new clothes

Ds1 obviously saving number 1 for tomorrow, but I fear his long-term planning skills need work!

fransmom · 30/11/2006 20:57

hi mom hows you? divorce is a big thing and you've got throught the starting point as it were so i am sure you will get through this one too. i am not trying to trivialise it, am not expressing myself very well lately.

i like your ds's style - though i can't say too much about the choc faces, i have photo of me when i was about 16mths with face covered in choc!

Blu · 30/11/2006 21:18

LOL at the boys bingeing way through December in one night. That's very funny.

Have a nice time with TB.

mamama · 30/11/2006 21:49

Bless your boys! I can imagine not being too thrilled, but it's quite funny. It'll make a good story when they're older

BURNINGTHECANDLE · 02/12/2006 22:37

Excellent I guess I have the advent robbing all to come as daughter is only just turned 1 year!
As for the divorce my decree absolute is due any day. Silly twit thumped me early on this year after several nasty assults! Believe me it does get better and easier and you will survive keep going I'm rooting for you all the way!!!

messyoldmess · 03/12/2006 13:27

Sounds like you have been through a tough time, BTC. You sound very strong & I hope things now improve for you. Thank you for rooting for me!

I have decided to stop posting for a while, as I feel it would be very easy for people who know me in RL to identify me on here, but I didn't want to dissapear without saying a massive thank you to everyone who has taken the time to post on my thread. The wonderful advice & support I have received has helped me so much and really kept me going.
Thank you all.xxx

OP posts:
FestiveFrex · 03/12/2006 13:48

Keep going, MOM. Can I make a small suggestion? Do go and see your solicitor and give him the list. Do get him to include the worst examples of his behaviour, as I have known judges in the past consider that some examples have not been sufficient for it to be "unreasonable for the petitioner to remain married to the respondent". Also, you need your family to see what he has really been like.

My suggestion is that you ask for the petition to be issued after Christmas. Whatever has gone on before, you don't want the whole family on your back because of rotten timing. Just think, New Year, New Start.

Oh and am impressed that you are off to Tony Blair's for some wine. Say hello to Cherie for us .

BURNINGTHECANDLE · 03/12/2006 19:01

I totally agree with festive the timing is important, as I told you I suffered domestic violence but when the chance came to escape then I jumped and same like hell! People could also identify me but who cares its the men that are in the wrong you have been using this site for some much needed emotional support. My strength is comming back but not without its fair share of blood sweat and many tears!!
Festive is right you must write a list try to remember approx months that things happened! Write it down in detail if he swore or was abbusive and you can remember what he said then put it down! I always remember thinking it was like airing my dirty washing I had tried so hard and felt such a failer!! Please hon dig deep hold on and listen to the advice the others on this site have left you its fairly sound and will help see you through. When your ripping apart a marriage despite what a bastard they may have been you will feel immense sadness, guilt and shame! I know exactly where your at and how much it hurts, but you must do that list with the details and focus during the daytime its crunch time now and you need to stay focused! I send you a big hug please Messy I know its hard but it will improve just hang on and focus!! xx

fransmom · 04/12/2006 12:37

good luck to you mom, i hope the new year brings the chance of a new start for you x

btc, i hope the same goes for you too x

both of you feel free to cat me if you need to talk fm x

Blu · 04/12/2006 13:14

FestiveFrex - are you Freckle?

bigknickersbigknockers · 04/12/2006 14:22

Stay strong MOM, thinking of you and as others before me have said... get that list done. the sooner you do that the sooner you can get your life back to some kind of normality

FestiveFrex · 04/12/2006 14:24

Yes, in festive guise. I did announce it on the Christmas name-change thread, but obviously not every reads that.

Should I change my name to FestiveFrex aka Freckle??

BURNINGTHECANDLE · 04/12/2006 19:38

I like freckle that sounds good maybe festive freckling? even . I hope Messy signs back on I worry about her trying to go it alone she was getting so much support and that is really important when its all a bit pants! Don't you think especially at xmas a time for families it can be very lonely.

FestiveFrex · 04/12/2006 19:42

Christmas is a vulnerable time in so many ways. MOM, I hope you continue to tune in here for some support. It could be very important over the next month or so.