Don't know how much longer I can carry on like this.

[messyoldmess]

I made the tough decision to end my marriage around 5 months ago.
My H had temper & control issues & I tried everything I could to make things better, but nothing worked & I finally accepted that we needed to go our seperate ways.
H seemed to go along with it all at the time & told me he was moving in with a friend in a couple of weeks. It never happened, as H came up with lots of silly excuses as to why it was not sensible. He said he would not leave until our house sold.
We are now nearly 5 months down the line & I feel we are in limbo land. Nothing seems to have moved on & he is still getting to me.
Our house has not sold & I am starting to go out of my mind.
I have had a few people suggest I look into renting somewhere, but I don't know if that would affect my position re the house & divorce etc.
I can't carry on like this for much longer.

My H has never been physically abusive, so it was hard for me to accept that H's behaviour could be seen as abusive.
When I first posted on here & people kept mentioning the word "abuse" I thought they had read my posts all wrong!
Even now I find it hard to accept that H was abusive, as it seems such a big heavy word! I do know that he has temper & control issues though.

MN has made me realise how wrong things were & helped me take action, although it took over a year of posting for me to get to the stage where I knew I had reached the end of the road & needed to end my marriage.
I tried to do lots to save my marriage, as I really wanted to try & make H change, but realised after I had exhausted all other options, that the changes weren't going to ever happen.

My parents haven't taken the news of our seperation well at all.
My dad also has a temper, so he doesn't understand at all. He also thinks I am doing the worst possible thing to my children & that members of our family do NOT give up on marriages, so I have really failed them.
It doesn't help that they think so very highly of H.

It's fantastic that you are remaining so focused and determined in the face of such opposition. You are doing really well .

The point was, and is, were you happy? Abusive or not, did he make you happy?
We all know you have done the right thing, MoM, and if even uber-fussy mums on a parenting site think that (painful as it is) your kids will be better off in a happier, more normal home, we must be right! No-one would be encourging you to leave, for the children's sake, unless we knew just how bad things have been for you.

You have been so very strong throughout this. You knew it would be hard, but this wait, the reaction of your parents, it's an ordeal. Just fix your eyes on getting the divorce proceedings cranked up.

No, I guess I haven't been happy for a long time. The way I try & explain it to my family is that we all have little squabbles in a relationship, but nobody should feel really fearful of their other half & that's how I felt so often.
I was scared of ending the relationship, even though our marriage has been in a bad way for a long time, & it has been worse than I imagined in a lot of ways, but I know that I need to do this now.
I might end up bald with stress & in a mental unit, but I need to plod on!!
On a lighter note...I have found use for my tealights, Blu! I made the boys pumpkins today!!

If you're worried about the cost of a babysitter on Saturday and running into a drunk H, why don't you invite your friends round to your house for a girls' night in? Get everyone to bring a bottle (or two!), knowing that H is out and you can have a great time at home without having to fork out for a sitter.

Might do that, Freckle! It is what I normally do now tbh. It is a lot cheaper & I avoid H & his dodgy friends.
I think my friend was wanting to go out this w/e, but I really don't think I can be bothered - especially if H is also out.

Well, get in a dvd, some wine and nibbles and invite some friends round - including some men! Much nicer. You avoid all the drunks, especially H, and don't have to worry about getting home afterwards.

Including MEN!!! I don't think I would live to tell the tale!!

Absolutely some men! Why not? Do you have some male friends? Do your girlfriends have partners? I'm not suggesting that you invite back men for a sex fest (although that might not be a bad idea!), but simply enjoy the company of both sexes in the comfort of your own home.

Yes the majority of my friends have partners, but they normally come round without them.
I wouldn't invite any other males round, as H would presume that something was going on, & he has said to me that it is none of his business if I see someone else now (not that I am), but that he will go mad if there are ever any men back here in his house!

Then stand up to him. Get your friends to come round to your house with their partners. H can rant all he likes. It's your house and you can invite whomsoever you like.

He might be ok with friends partners that he knows well, but not any men who are not with one of my friends.
He told me last night that he will no longer come driving out looking for me when I am home late, as it is no longer his concern!

Well that's OK then, seeing as he left your two boys home alone when he came out looking for you previously - not because he was concerned for your safety but because he wanted to see who you were with.

And it really is no concern of his if you do have friends back who are not the partner of one of your girlfriends. He says you are no longer his concern, so why are you so bothered about his reaction to having male friends?

yes, but then all the freinds will have to find babysitters...

LOL at the tealights

Now you'll have to stock up on some more...

They may already have b/sitters. It's worth a try rather than sitting in with a bottle of wine solo.

Because he says it is not his concern UNLESS they are in his house. He will assume there is something going on if they are not friends partners, & he has made it clear that he is NEVER to find out I have had any men back here!
I wouldn't do anyway.
BIL comes round with my sister when H isn't around, & he is ok with that, but that's about as far as it goes!
I have friends round here quite often while he is out or working, but they come without their partners generally.

He is still insisting that he was concerned for my safety that night he drove out looking for me, even though he put the boys safety at risk by doing so & didn't think to ring me on my mobile first!

I don't feel a great urge to stock up on more tealights, Blu!
We now have vanilla scented pumpkins!!

It's not his house. It's your house.

I know, but it doesn't feel that way atm, CQ.

Then do something to make him realise that he cannot control your life any more. You are entitled to have friends round to visit. He cannot censor your friendships like that.

And I don't believe he was concerned with your safety, as he hid and listened to your conversation with your companion and then drove home without you. How is that showing concern for your safety??

No I don't believe he was that concerned for my safety either, Freckle, as if he was, like you say, he would have stopped & given me a lift. Also, he would have tried to phone me on my mobile first, which he didn't!

I will have friends round & will not be as paranid about spills as I once was, but I will keep it to female friends for now!

yes, sorry - I meant they would be more likely to need babysitters if their dh's came as well. I am losing my powers of communication.

LOL at vanilla scented pumpkins!

I knew what you meant, Blu! If they came with partners they would indeed have to get sitters for the children.
Would rather they came without their men anyway, as I would feel like the sad odd single one!

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