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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't know how much longer I can carry on like this.

441 replies

messyoldmess · 20/10/2006 22:10

I made the tough decision to end my marriage around 5 months ago.
My H had temper & control issues & I tried everything I could to make things better, but nothing worked & I finally accepted that we needed to go our seperate ways.
H seemed to go along with it all at the time & told me he was moving in with a friend in a couple of weeks. It never happened, as H came up with lots of silly excuses as to why it was not sensible. He said he would not leave until our house sold.
We are now nearly 5 months down the line & I feel we are in limbo land. Nothing seems to have moved on & he is still getting to me.
Our house has not sold & I am starting to go out of my mind.
I have had a few people suggest I look into renting somewhere, but I don't know if that would affect my position re the house & divorce etc.
I can't carry on like this for much longer.

OP posts:
Tyedye · 27/10/2006 10:39

Message withdrawn

Tyedye · 27/10/2006 10:40

Message withdrawn

Original poster
messyoldmess · 27/10/2006 11:09

Thanks, Tyedye. It sounds an interesting read.
I read "Women who love too much" which was reccomended by my counsellor (can't remember the author) & a book that Blu sent me around 18 months back, but I can't remember the title of that one either!
I was very careful to read them when H wasn't around & donated them to the freedom training group after I had finished reading them.

Sorry to hear things are still bad for you.

OP posts:
Tyedye · 27/10/2006 11:21

Message withdrawn

Original poster
messyoldmess · 27/10/2006 11:23

I will look it up on Amazon, Tyedye.
I really need the "1001 ways to get him to leave the house" book now!

OP posts:
Freckle · 27/10/2006 11:30

MOM, are you doing anything for H around the house? Like his washing, ironing, cooking his meals, etc.?

Perhaps if you are, you need to stop. Once he finds home is no longer a convenient place to be, he may move out, particularly if your mum is happy to do all those "wifely" things for him.

Tyedye · 27/10/2006 11:46

Message withdrawn

Original poster
messyoldmess · 27/10/2006 11:50

Stopped washing & ironing his clothes a few months back, although he occasionally slips an item of his into the washing machine (one of which was an £80 Ted Baker shirt, which I pulled out from a coloured wash & it had turned from cream to lilac!!), & I am not doing very much in the way of cooking for him either.
I think his staying is him trying to be as stubborn & difficult as possible, & I guess it is something he still has control over.

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 27/10/2006 11:55

Mind you - there's a man job that needs fixing now! The flush in my downstairs toilet appears to have broken, & being the pathetic woman that I am, I can't fix it!!

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 27/10/2006 12:03

I need a handy man!

OP posts:
Blu · 27/10/2006 13:24

Put out a thread about how to fix a flush - Hub2Dee is always very practical!

Usually the problem is that the metal hook that goes down from the handle to the thing at the bottom has come unhooked. Take the lid off the cistern and see if you can see a wire rod that looks as if it should be attached to something.

It would be fab to casually mention that you succesfully did a plumbing job - and let H know that you really don't need him!

I wonder if there is a diagram online about toilet cisterns and troubleshooting problems with them?

Original poster
messyoldmess · 27/10/2006 13:35

I think I might have to, Blu!
It has happened before, but H saw to it.
I have kind of got it flushing again, but now it's leaking water & there is a man coming to look at the house in half an hour!!! Aaaarrrrgggghh!!
I am not good at these man jobs!

OP posts:
Blu · 27/10/2006 13:40

oh dear, leaking water doesan't sound too good!

Typical - just when you have someone to look! Is the leaking very bad?

Original poster
messyoldmess · 27/10/2006 13:45

Ok - I have calmed! Water has stopped leaking & I have mopped up what was on the floor, so it is not too bad viewer wise!
Should be ok, so long as nobody goes into my downstairs toilet & attempts to flush it!!

OP posts:
essbee · 27/10/2006 13:52

Message withdrawn

Original poster
messyoldmess · 27/10/2006 13:56

Don't feel bad, essbee - you have a lot on your plate atm. Just look after yourself & DS!

Our house is big enough to seperate ourselves quite a bit, as it is a town house, so on 3 floors.
I tend to sit in the kitchen in the evenings, as I have both my computer & a TV downstairs, & H lays on the sofa upstairs in the lounge.

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 27/10/2006 18:47

It was the little catch thingy in the cistern, Blu!! The leaking appears to have stopped!

Got to go out for a meal with my parents later to celebrate my mum's birthday.
They aren't too pleased that H isn't joining us!

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 27/10/2006 23:53

That wasn't easy! It was all poor H, Where's H?

OP posts:
essbee · 28/10/2006 01:31

Message withdrawn

mamamaaargh · 28/10/2006 03:20

Glad you survived the meal, Messy. Sorry it wasn't much fun though. I hope your parents will one day be more supportive of you

Original poster
messyoldmess · 28/10/2006 10:22

Yes they know we are definitely splitting up, but my mum wanted him there for her birthday!!
There was no way I would have brought him along - it would have been a ridiculous thing to do!
I think they don't want to believe it is really happening & are hoping I will change my mind!

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 28/10/2006 10:32

They kept mentioning poor H & how he should be there etc!

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 29/10/2006 12:28

Ended up going out last night, as my friend really wanted a night out & H said he would pay £30 of the £40 for the babysitter.
Wish I had stayed in though because it wasn't the most enjoyable of nights.

My parents are going away today & it seems I definitely won't be getting a break at their house while they are gone.

OP posts:
essbee · 29/10/2006 15:42

Message withdrawn

Original poster
messyoldmess · 29/10/2006 16:07

The night wouldn't have been so bad if H wasn't also out.
He popped up next to me at the bar while I was buying a drink & said to his friend "Have you met my ex wife?" Followed by "Would you?"
I ended up going home earlier than normal.

Tomorrow is my solicitor appt. I had a childcare panic earlier, as H announced he had been called in to work overtime late shift (he was meant to be off tomorrow) & my parents are away.
Luckily I have got a friend who has agreed to have the boys for me.
I will talk to the solicitor about next steps tomorrow.
H says that he will go along to another mediation session, but only if it is with another mediator, as he thought the last one was useless & spoke rubbish!!

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