Don't know how much longer I can carry on like this.

[messyoldmess]

I made the tough decision to end my marriage around 5 months ago.
My H had temper & control issues & I tried everything I could to make things better, but nothing worked & I finally accepted that we needed to go our seperate ways.
H seemed to go along with it all at the time & told me he was moving in with a friend in a couple of weeks. It never happened, as H came up with lots of silly excuses as to why it was not sensible. He said he would not leave until our house sold.
We are now nearly 5 months down the line & I feel we are in limbo land. Nothing seems to have moved on & he is still getting to me.
Our house has not sold & I am starting to go out of my mind.
I have had a few people suggest I look into renting somewhere, but I don't know if that would affect my position re the house & divorce etc.
I can't carry on like this for much longer.

Oh MoM - how utterly utterly horrible of H, and what a thing to say.

Haven't you fulfilled your obligation for getting Legal Aid by having seen a mediator once? Of course H didn't like what the mediator said, and he won't like what the next one says, either. Having been once, i would just stick with whatever your solicitor recommends. H shopping around for a mediator who will just say what he wants is a ridiculous waste of time. Just tell your solicitor what H said about it.

I thnk the main thing now has to be to get out of the marriage as fast possible, and to get as good a settlement as you can for you and the boys, so that you can actuallky live independently.

Your parents are unspeakable, but we knew that.

Aaaaargh at all of them, on your behalf.
I hope the appointment tomorrow goes well - perhaps asking the solicitor how you can get it all over with as quickly as possible now is the best thing?

He then spent ages talking to the strumpet that he once two timed me for! I think he was trying to get to me, but I ignored them. Of course he could get sex from her...it's not a great challange!!
The night was finished off nicely by me bumping into a girl I was at school with, who announced she was going to be a grandmother!!!

I don't think I have to continue with mediation, Blu, you just have to be seen to give it a go because it cuts costs a lot.
H is saying he will not take his P60 (which she asked to see) because he knows from some friend that he doesn't have to show it!
He has said that mediation may not work & we will have to get solicitors involved (which I already have) & that it will get very nasty.
Can't bear the thought of going through another mediation session atm either.
Will speak to my solicitor about next steps.
It's all so scary.

Gosh this sounds like a nightmare. I have read all the threads and it seems clear to me that your parents are very traditional and in their minds that a marriage break up is not an option for you. I wished they would support you and their grandchildren. Things are not the way they were in decades gone by and it has been proven that it is not better to stay in a misberable marriage at all costs. A male friend of mine was in your situation(only his wife filed for the divorce because she said he was boring!). He was very upset didn't want to leave his daughter and eventually had to accept it was over. He lived in the marital home for 6 months after she filed for divorce and it was a living nightmare for him. He eventually moved out into rented accomodation because the tension and atomosphere wasn't fair on his daughter. I don't think that because he rented this affected the capital in the family home. He continued to pay the mortage whilst he wasn't living there, though they did sell the house once the divorce came through. I am not sure why you can't move out and rent if you don't want to. It would seem like it would help you get that distance from your H and his mind games. The fact that he thinks your computer destroyed your marriage is crazy. I only wish I had discovered Mum's net sooner. Good luck it must be awful to live like this.

Your town is just too small, isn't it? Horrible to have all this under your nose all the time.
I wish there was a fast-forward button that we could press on your life atm. We all know the ending is going to be happier oin the long run, but it's taking SO long coming.
H is being unbelievably horrible.
Do you know where his P60 is? Photocopy it?

Our town is FAR too small, Blu! There is only one place that stays open late & everyone ends up there, including H & his dodgy mates!
I guess H was thinking he was being amusing last night, just like he did with his boss that time, but I didn't find it very funny.
I don't know where his P60 is, but I will have a search when he's not around.
That fast forward button would be good. I would like to fast forward past this horrible bit.

Kikki, thanks for your post. My parents are not accepting any of this - it's not what is done in their family!
I hope things get better for you. I have read your thread & it sounds like you have been through a horrendous time.
Take care of yourself.x

You have all my empathy - I was in a similar situation with ex not moving out and it was one of the most difficult times of my life.

Just a thought here - why not cancel Sky in your house and have it put in your parents house instead?

You need to sit down with your parents and explain that you do not want to gang up on H, but he is making you completely miserable and it is bad for the grandchildren.

the one bit of advice I really am glad I stuck to and still do - it is really hard - bite your tongue when you want to say something nasty about your H in front of the kids. Say anything you like on MN or to friends, but not in front of kids... trust me on this one!

so the Sky thing??

good luck with solicitors - mine cost me so much it makes your eyes water. the thing I learnt was this, no matter how high flying your lawyers are, you still need to do the thinking yourself. Keep doing the thinking and question them on every move, for them it is just a process.

I wish I'd had Mumsnet when I was going through it all, you have been given goldmines of advice! Good luck! - and if you have a heart to laugh, just imagine him with his mates, "What went wrong?" "Oh, she got a PC and it ended our relationship"......yeah, he'll look so sexy to future prospects and friends saying things like that! Idiot. But you are not an idiot. Have courage and wishing you all the best x

MN has been an amazing support for me, Littlewonder, & has helped me get the strength to get to where I am now.

I am very careful not to talk about any of this in front of the boys. The boys don't even know what is going on atm, because I don't want to confuse them.

The sky is all under his name, so I don't think I could do much about cancelling it.
He would go berserk if I did something like that too.

Hope things are easier for you now, LW.

I'm back from solicitors. We covered quite a bit & I am trying to process it all in my head!
He asked how mediation went & I told him about H's reaction to what the mediator told him.
He seems to despair with H & says he wishes he had seen a solicitor because he has a few shocks coming his way.
He says it would be better if we could go back to mediation, as it saves loads of money with court fees etc.
He says that H will never find a mediator he agrees with because they will all tell him the same thing. He said that it will really make things worse for him if he doesn't co-operate with the mediator, as he will end up spending thousands & he will have to fill out a financial settlement in court stating ALL of his financial details & he will HAVE to show his P60 along with 3 wage slips.
He has given me a copy of the financial settlement which would have to be filled in, & has told me to leave it around if needed!
They really do ask for every little detail, & he said that his solicitor won't just fight for what H wants, as the children are always main priority.
He said that if I have over £8,000 in savings I wouldn't be able to get legal aid & as I have a little money saved in an account atm, I will not agree to cash in the ISA yet.
He has advised we try mediation again if we can, but has reminded me that it's not binding & I don't have to sign anything at the end of it if I don't want to.
I asked about divorce procedings & he said he can get that started soon for me & that I need to list 12 examples of H's unreasonable behaviour on a piece of paper & take it to him. He said he can then get it all started.
This all feels so so scary.

My solicitor advised me to try & stay in the house if possible because it would be financially more beneficial for me. He said that he would only advise me to get out & rent if H was being violent in any way.

Glad you had a productive meeting, MOM. Your solicitor sounds like he knows what he's doing.

Can you bear to go through mediation again? It must be a male mediator, your H is never going to listen to anything any woman has to tell him.

I found the whole mediation thing very hard, tribpot, & I dread the thought of going back, but there are going to be lots of tough thigs I am going to have to face up to in the coming months, so I guess I better get used to it!
The mediator was a woman!

I know - and I personally laughed heartily at her suggestion he get rid of that ludicrous car but he is never going to listen to anything a female mediator has to say, if she disagrees with him it because she is 'inferior' and 'siding with you'.

Think that was the point H really turned against her, Tribpot!
He was looking in the paper at the pices of these posh flats in our town, as he thinks his car would look good parked outside them!!

Prices that should say!

I'm sure it would, MOM. Provided it was owned by someone who could afford to live there Your H is so status-obsessed, I am sure this is half the problem. House must remain show-home perfect at all times, I mean seriously, how is that meant to be achievable with two small boys?!

H is VERY status obsessed, tribpot!
My solicitor thinks he is behaving in a very childish way & he cannot believe he is relying on a friend at work for his legal advice!!

Hi
I think you should stop complaining and read a book called Man from Mars Woman from Venus.
Get all the answers you are looking for and stop putting the blaim on your man and try to look at the bright side of the life

Christ on a fucking bike.

I know men & women are different, imi & I am not trying to blame all on H - infact for years I have been blaming myself for a lot of our problems.
I try to look on the bright side, but at the moment things aren't feeling too bright!

imi - so helpful, great of you to contribute to the thread. Do you have anything else to say or are you leaving again?

messy - glad you had a productive meeting with your solicitor. It shouldn't take you long to come up with 12 examples of h's stupid behaviour, you could write a book on it!

Are you going to try and go for mediation, how long would it take to get h to agree and then get another date?

The book is called Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. It does not cover the situation MOM is in, in which Men are from Planet Fuckwit.

I'm sorry, MOM, this is not an issue of 'men and women are different', this is an issue of your H being a fucking loon. (Btw have already reported to MN my excessive use of the f word in this thread).

He has said he will go back, CQ, I just feel very dubious as to whether it is going to work.

I guess I must come across as someone who moans a lot, but it is only on here that I really get things off my chest.
I may appear like I am just blaming H, but I am not.

CQ, back to your q about mediation - you can get appointments within the week normally.

MOM you DO NOT come across as someone who moans a lot. You are going through a horrendous situation, and you are dealing with it with a degree of strength, grace and character that I am not sure you can appreciate in yourself. Your commitment to your boys shines through in everything you do, and you should bloody well come on Mumsnet and do all the moaning you like, we back you 100%.