Don't know how much longer I can carry on like this.

[messyoldmess]

I made the tough decision to end my marriage around 5 months ago.
My H had temper & control issues & I tried everything I could to make things better, but nothing worked & I finally accepted that we needed to go our seperate ways.
H seemed to go along with it all at the time & told me he was moving in with a friend in a couple of weeks. It never happened, as H came up with lots of silly excuses as to why it was not sensible. He said he would not leave until our house sold.
We are now nearly 5 months down the line & I feel we are in limbo land. Nothing seems to have moved on & he is still getting to me.
Our house has not sold & I am starting to go out of my mind.
I have had a few people suggest I look into renting somewhere, but I don't know if that would affect my position re the house & divorce etc.
I can't carry on like this for much longer.

messy, not sure there is anything constructive I can add. He is a twunt. You know that. You deserve better and you are doing what you can to change things. Sadly it takes time and living under the same roof is very, very difficult at a time when you have enough to cope with. It will get better & it will be worth it. Honest

It is hard to live under the same roof, sometimes I cope ok & sometimes it gets too much.
I guess it will get better one day, it's just the getting there that's hard!

Messyoldmess-How are you?

Hope things are getting better for you.

how did you get on today, hope you managed to contact your solicitor ok.

do get intouch with gingerbread though, they should be able to put you in touch possible with a support network thats local to you.
sorry i'm not very talkative today x

Tried to phone solicitor when I got home from friends today. Spoke to his secretary, who told me he was busy & she would get him to phone back, but he didn't phone.
May try again tomorrow, although I guess it is only a week until I see him now.

H is making me cross! He goes on about how skint he is, yet he is out pretty much every weekend atm!

Grrr at H, messy . Mine keeps telling me how tired he is . Would feel rather more sympathetic if I weren't up with ds 4 times a night.

Do phone your solicitor even if you are seeing him soon - they might be able to put your mind at rest.

So sorry that you are having such a hard time. My sil went through almost exactly the same thing - have to say it lasted almost a year (sorry ) from the time she told him she wanted him to leave and was starting divorce proceedings to the time when he finally left. He was never physically abusive to her although very strict with the children, but he was a leach (financially and emotionally) and once she had finally retrained as a teacher he resented that she was moving on and he wasn't and became verbally abusive, constantly denigrating her. She didn't want to leave the house because it was hers and she didn't want him changing the locks and stopping her getting back in.

BUT he DID go in the end and she feels like a great weight has been lifted. It's taken a toll on her but she is now free and her new life looks so good. Please don't despair. Get a good solicitor and try to get your family on side - we all supported sil while she was going through it and I know it helped her - you will need friends and family to help you.

Good luck. It will be worth it in the end.

Thank you for your messages.
joelallie, sorry to hear your sister was in a similar position, but I am pleased to hear how much happier she is now.
I am aware that I could be stuck like this for a very long time & right at this moment in time I feel I will end up going insane!
I guess I have done pretty much 5 months of this & got through it, but it hasn't been easy.

I am angry with H, not only because he is constantly out yet pleading poverty, but he is so selfish!
He is out most Saturdays & rolls in drunk at around 3am, while I stay in & take care of the children.
I last got out on a Saturday at the end of last month for my birthday, & the only reason he wasn't also out was because I couldn't organise a babysitter (which he asked me to do) so that he could get out too.
This coming Saturday I have an oppertunity of going out with one of my friends. I thought it wouldn't be a problem because H was out last Saturday... but it appears I was wrong!
I told H last night that I was hoping to get out with a friend this w/e & he said "Well I am going out, so you will have to find a babysitter & we will pay her £20 each!"
I told him that I thought it would be ok for me to go out, as I have stayed in for the last month while he goes on on a Saturday.
He said his friend had just text him to say "Not long until Sat" & if I wanted to go out, best I try & get a sitter!
I told him that our usual sitter works in the day on a Saturday & will not be able to get round until gone 8pm if she is available. To this he said "Well you go out later than me, so that's ok!"
I may be being a bit over sensitive here, but I just feel he is being a bit selfish!
I would never dream of presuming I could go out weekend after weekend!
Also, it spoils my night, as I always bump into a drunk H, who always comes over with his friends & says "Have you met my ex wife?"

He just makes me cross sometimes & I feel better for getting that off my chest!!

When he says that, you should just say to all your friends "Well, it's obvious why I'm his ex, isn't it??".

I wouldn't bother arguing with him over who gets to go out, because he is using that as a means of control again. Just assume that he will be going out and organise a babysitter - would your parents be prepared to sit for you?

No my parents wouldn't be prepared to babysit unless it was for us to go out together (which clearly isn't going to happen!)
My parents are trying their best to get us to go out with them, my sister & BIL for a meal to celebrate mum's birthday!!!
I told them I would maybe go alone, but there is no way we would both be going!!
Mum thinks we should try to go together seen as it's for her birthday & is what she wants!

He isn't being a bit selfish, he is being bullying and controlling and cruel as usual. And outrageous that it is 'your' job to get a babysitter.

But hey ho, I have to agree with freckle - it isn't as if you are trying to improve your relationship, so there's no point in getting into a pointless battle about it....which will just wear you down even more. Are there any other people ding the same job as you at work who would babysit for money, for e.g?

He is vile vile vile and behaving like the complete bastard pig he is.

LOL at 'well it's obvious why I'm his ex...'

The babysitter that we use is the daughter of one of my colleagues, Blu.
We normally pay her £20 for a normal night, but double it to £40 on a Saturday night because we get in later.
He phoned from work today to remind me to phone her, but I have been out & haven't got round to it.
I don't know if I can be bothered tbh, as it costs lots to go out as it is, without me paying out another £20 on top to have a night of bumping into an annoying H!
He does make me very cross with his selfish attitude, but I didn't let him see I was cross last night. I had to stay right out of his way though, as I felt very cross inside!

My mum has told me that dad doesn't want me to stay at their house while they are away apparantly, so I may not get away.

I am not sure I can be done with going out this w/e & all the hassle involved. I think I will stay in & have peace!

messyoldmess-you should go out at the weekend and enjoy yourself.

AS for your mum saying your dad does'nt want you staying at theirs whilst they are away,then why not suggest your H stays their instead.Will give you a break and seen as they are so fond of him they surely would'nt say no.

My parents offered for him to stay originally. They are very happy for him to stay there because he is golden boy atm!
H doesn't want to stay at their house because they don't have Sky TV, so I then said that I would stay there with the boys & have a break.
At first my mum seemed to go along with this idea, but now she is telling me that dad doesn't want me to stay there.
Basically, my dad is very unhappy with my decision to end my marriage & I think this is a big reason as to why he doesn't want me there.
Now H has done all their decking he is more in favour than ever!

He says he blames the computer for our marriage ending & wishes he had never got a pc!!

messyoldmess-How can he blame the computer for the breakdown of your marriage?

Unless he is jealous of your friends on mumsnet and knows that they are supporting you and telling you what a pratt he is.

Could H not survive without sky tv for a while after all you say he is out a lot anyway.Sounds like another ploy by your H to make things difficult.

Find it really difficult to undestand your dad's attitude.Surely he must know how upsetting this is for you and would let you stay at his if only for his granchildrens sake.
Hope I have'nt spoken out of turn .

Any more viewers for the house lined up as yet?

It is probably because in his head things have worse with us since I have had the computer. To a point I guess he is right, because it was through posting here on MN that I was made to realise how wrong things were & gradually started to get a little stronger & take action.
I never spoke to anyone around me about the problems in our relationship, but I knew things were not right.
One day after he had been really bad, I thought I would post on here & just see what outsiders made of my situation...I was very shocked with the replies!
For the last 18 months or so, I have received a lot of amazing support here on MN & it has really helped me through.
H loks at it that I was spending more time on the computer, that I had changed (because I stood up to him more) & he even suspected I was having some kind of on-line affair!!

My dad dosen't agree with marriage break ups & doesn't support my decision at all.

Messyoldmess-It's obviously put H's nose out of joint that you have fianally realised through the help of mumsnet that his behaviour was and is unacceptable.It is probably difficult to see it for yourself as you were living itday by day and to you it was normal but to outsiders it was wrong.

Your dad must realise that what you are doing is best for the children in the long run.
Although is your dad from the generation of your've ,made your bed now lie in it,so to speak.

I don't think I would have divorced my ex husband if it hadn't been someone I met on line letting me see how abused I was. I am grateful for that. You can get so isolated and tolerate things no one else tolerates until the scales lift from your eyes as it were so I can understand the point you make even if our situations are different.

Tee hee at blaming the computer for your marriage ending. He may blame it but you can thank it for helping you to see what an abusive, nasty piece of work h is and how much happier you will eventually be when you get rid of the controlling git.

Sorry your parents are being a pain again - two weeks away would have been a good break, but don't let them see that they are getting to you. Is it worth going to the meal for your mum's birthday if all you may hear all night is rubbish about h and how wonderful he is and how he should be there?

Is your sister still supporting you?

This is all so cruel.
Your dad leaves me speechless.
And your mum.
I'm really sorry.