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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would this be ok or a dealbreaker?

274 replies

Toastandstrawberryjam · 29/01/2015 21:12

Firstly I will just say I have had some brilliant advice on here in the past (you know who you are!). I am almost 100% sure that I'm not overeacting about this but keep laying awake wondering if I am overreacting.

Brief background, married a long time, he is long term EA, would love to get out but we are currently in a situation where I will have to take kids and go as he refuses to see what has happened as an issue.

Last week in front of the DC he screamed that he was going to f*ing slit his wrists before throwing a pile of ironing around and storming downstairs.

He maintains it was just a "silly" thing to say and as such he does not need to discuss it/apologise for it.

I maintain it was the kind of thing a parent NEVER says in front of their child and that I cannot forgive him for it or his attitude towards it.

He has since visited a counsellor (after I strongly asked him to leave) but decided not to tell him this, just to say we had had an argument.

Would it be a deal breaker for you? Or am I (as he says) totally overreacting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 29/01/2015 21:15

He has never said this kind of thing before but he does have form for not "owning" what he does and seeing me and the DC as something lower than him.

Oh and before anyone asks, no I don't think he is suicidal. He was angry, not distressed.

OP posts:
Sickoffrozen · 29/01/2015 21:18

He sounds like a bit of a dick to me. An attention seeking one at that!

How hard would it be for you to go? I don't have a lot of time in my life for dicks and he would be out if I were you but I am aware that it's not always easy to leave from a financial point of view.

WildGeese · 29/01/2015 21:24

Yes, that would be a dealbreaker for me.

How did the children react to witnessing that?

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 29/01/2015 21:28

The DC were distressed and I've spent a lot of time since managing their behaviour because of it.

I asked him to leave a few days after, he virtually had a nervous breakdown, begging and crying. He just keeps insisting I'm overreacting and its normal to say those kind of things.

OP posts:
ihatethecold · 29/01/2015 21:28

That's not on op.
My dad used to say it to me when I was in my late teens. It used to really upset me.
I didn't think he meant it but it still wasn't nice.
I'm in my 40's now and I still think about how fucked up it is to hear.

kittensinmydinner · 29/01/2015 21:28

As an isolated incident, no I don't think it's something which would be a deal breaker. It was an angry outburst that can happen to anybody, but you say he is long term emotionally abusive ? And would like to leave ? Then you don't need a deal breaker...surely these with these issues alone the 'deal' is already broken.

ihatethecold · 29/01/2015 21:29

Protect your children op.

alabastergirl · 29/01/2015 21:30

Long term EA? Surely that is a dealbreaker already. You can end a relationship whenever you want without any dramatic reason btw.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 29/01/2015 21:31

So it's ok to say that kind of thing in front of DC when angry? Because it has never been something I have said, or would ever say.

OP posts:
alabastergirl · 29/01/2015 21:32

no of course it isn't ok. How could it ever be?

kittensinmydinner · 29/01/2015 22:17

Of course it's not ok in front of dcs , but stuff that isn't meant to happen often does especially when tempers are fraught. My DH Can have a filthy rant when the mood takes him and has probably said loads of inappropriate stuff in front of Dcs, and to be fair I have probably responded in kind. But otoh he is not emotionally abusive and I do not want to leave him. If I did. I would. However you seem to be looking for an excuse to leave. You don't need one. What form does his EA take ?

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 29/01/2015 22:25

So it possibly is an overreaction on my part. It is something people might say in anger in front of children? Because to me it's all part of him being EA.

OP posts:
alabastergirl · 29/01/2015 22:32

in what other ways is he abusive? Why are you looking for reasons for him to be wrong? Why don't you just leave or tell him to go? You don't need a list to end a relationship.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 29/01/2015 22:36

In so many ways. I could fill a page. Reasons? Because he ties me up in knots over it all until I can't see what is right or wrong.

I've told him to go. He broke down and wouldn't. So what now? I move out with no money and 3 DC? I need to know for sure I'm doing the right thing before I do that.

OP posts:
alabastergirl · 29/01/2015 22:47

get a solicitor to make him leave and contact Women's Aid for their support and advice.

You aren't happy - that is enough. And if you can fill a page of his abuse that shows you he is wrong? Surely that is all you need to know to enable you to decide you are doing the right thing.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 29/01/2015 22:50

A solicitor cannot make him leave, it's half his house.

No because my reasons are all "silly" or "in the past" or "something he can change". So I'm told.

I can't bear the hysteria if I ask him to leave again. But I also find it so hard to contemplate taking my DC from their home and everything they know if I am overreacting.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/01/2015 22:51

it's not an over reaction

he is emotionally abusing his children as well as you

start the divorce, he will be forced to live apart from you eventually

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 29/01/2015 22:53

What will it do to the DC to see him behave in that way (the extreme upset) if I carry on pushing for a divorce? I become the bad guy because I'm not the one crying. (Mainly because I have for so many years I don't have any tears left).

OP posts:
alabastergirl · 29/01/2015 22:56

a solicitor can make him leave. And a divorce is far less damaging than living with an abusive father.

AnyFucker · 29/01/2015 22:59

what will it do to your dc to watch from the sidelines as they see you controlled, cowed and too frightened to stand up to a bully

threatening to harm himself in front of the kids is unforgiveable

Glittermud · 29/01/2015 23:07

My mum was extremely EA and when we were young it was directed at my dad, but then as we got older it was directed at us, our friends, anyone.

If you're unhappy, leave. The kids will bear the brunt of any EA behaviour at some point.

Glittermud · 29/01/2015 23:08

I didn't mean to sound as though that is an easy option, though. Sorry.

Anniegetyourgun · 29/01/2015 23:20

XH and I owned a house together. He said he would not leave; that as I was the one who wanted out I would have to go, without the DC, and because I was the main earner I would have to keep paying the bills as well.

You know what? He was wrong.

See a good solicitor, one that specialises in divorce, who you have confidence in. They will tell you what is genuinely possible.

AnyFucker · 29/01/2015 23:31

OP, how long has this intolerable situation been going on for ?

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 29/01/2015 23:36

This is a new level of intolerable. Before this it was the same level with little blips for about 5 years or so.

OP posts: