Would this be ok or a dealbreaker?

[Toastandstrawberryjam]

Firstly I will just say I have had some brilliant advice on here in the past (you know who you are!). I am almost 100% sure that I'm not overeacting about this but keep laying awake wondering if I am overreacting.

Brief background, married a long time, he is long term EA, would love to get out but we are currently in a situation where I will have to take kids and go as he refuses to see what has happened as an issue.

Last week in front of the DC he screamed that he was going to f*ing slit his wrists before throwing a pile of ironing around and storming downstairs.

He maintains it was just a "silly" thing to say and as such he does not need to discuss it/apologise for it.

I maintain it was the kind of thing a parent NEVER says in front of their child and that I cannot forgive him for it or his attitude towards it.

He has since visited a counsellor (after I strongly asked him to leave) but decided not to tell him this, just to say we had had an argument.

Would it be a deal breaker for you? Or am I (as he says) totally overreacting.

....and handed him the razor blade

Oh yes. Do it you stupid fuck but just let me bump up the life insurance first.

I didn't laugh at him when he said. I calmly (away from the DC) said if he made a threat like that again I would have him sectioned. An empty thread admittedly but one that stopped his strop because mental health issues freak him out.

Did I say he's loving? He isn't. Unless it's for something he wants. This morning he is being perfect dad and revelling in the fact I'm I'll so he looks like the bigger parent. I've just reminded him that HE has made me ill. It's not that I'm some kind of weak person.

Indeed. Your strength is what is ruining yours and your children's lives. It is keeping you there with your stiff upper lip and frantic pedalling below the surface to keep up a facade of what a "perfect" family you have. Meanwhile you have to endure being held in a virtual headlock all night and subject your kids to daddy threatening to top himself.

It's a fucked up kind of "strength" though...akin to the strength demonstrated by prisoners of war and victims of torture.

Your strength is what is ruining yours and your children's lives.

That makes sense. Although my strength is all that's kept me sane the last few years. Things were far worse when he would make me cry on a regular basis, life was easier when I learnt not to do that.

My strength is what will get us out now. I think I've been too weak for too long. Or as a good friend told me yesterday "a huge coward".

You know when you learned (trained yourself) not to cry ? You did that as a a fully consenting adult, with all the coping strategies and intact rationalisations that a fully grown person can make use of.

If you stay, your children will have to go through that process. The elder one (a teenager ?) is probably quite a way along it. It is very possible she will choose a partner just like her father so she can "complete" the number that has already been started on her.

Would you really subject them to what you went through, knowing how it has damaged and changed you, probably beyond recognition by yourself and those who properly love you ?

I do hope you hold on to that strength to set you and your children free, instead of in the grips of emotional abuse.
The strength was there, just misdirected.

I totally agree.

And yes I have changed beyond all recognition because I had to. I was very weak because he liked me that way. I don't want my DC to have to go through that.

And the only people who properly love me are my DC (who I'm sure prefer me now to a doormat who didn't even choose her own clothes!) and I guess maybe a few friends (who probably like me more now I actually have some opinions of my own). But my DC don't need to change as they are just perfect as they are.

Absolutely a deal breaker. Any relationship where you have had to train yourself not to cry is one that you should leave IMO. The effort it takes, and the impact on you from not learning to cry is too much and it's harming you.

The strength was there, just misdirected.

I don't think you've been weak. I think you had to redirect your strength inwards in order to cope and maintain the illusion that things were OK, for protecting yourself and your children as far as you could. Now, you know you don't have to do that and can direct it outwards. You know you don't have to waste it on the pretence any more.

Now, you can use your strength, all of it, towards getting out.

He didn't even let you choose your own clothes?

Oh OP i wish you'd had Mumsnet years ago. All those tears.

This has been going on for a long, long time

Make this the final push, OP. Before it's too late.

Oh I could choose. But it would be met with little sighs of disapproval. And he would always be with me when I bought clothes or get them for my birthday. It was a nice thing to do apparently.

Then I went and lost a lot of weight and bought new clothes. That I chose myself. It was a defining moment.

Please get out, OP.

I spent my childhood listening to one or other my parents threatening to walk out, or saying maybe we'd all be happier if they killed themselves etc etc. I remember a couple times I was literally dragged over and held in front of one of them like a human shield while they screamed "look how much you're upsetting outtahell, she's crying!"

I remember wishing my parents would split up from a rather young age - as soon as I learnt that parents could split up and what that meant, I think. Even now my teenage brother who lives at home begs my dad to leave my mum.

Your children will suffer for your stiff upper lip, OP. The EA from my bitch mother had us all walking on egg shells our entire childhoods.

Your relationship with them will suffer - I refuse to see my DF while he is living under the same roof as DM. I'll probably never see him again because appearances are more important to him than any of us.

None of my family saw my DS's first Xmas or 1st birthday. I can't expose my son to the insanity that I grew up with and feel like a good mum.

He. Just. Doesn't. Get. It.

Have gone absolutely nuclear on him and it's still all just about him. I'm depriving him of the chance to be a father now.

Solicitor time.

Tuesday. Until then I have to deal with him moping around.

Go out for the day tomorrow until late.

I can go out for the morning but we have a family cinems trip planned in the afternoon :(

He has (finally) spoken to the DC about what he said. Their reactions somewhat surprised me. When he said how mummy and daddy argue a lot my youngest (8) said "no daddy you argue with her, mummy doesn't". Middle One is in bits because she doesn't want her daddy to be like that. Eldest has gone off to get hammered at a party.

I lived with an ea man for 16 years, to scared, beaten down and unsure to change things. Worried about upsetting the kids and ruining the family.

After a sexual assault and the fall out he finally left. The day he left my 14 yr old ds said only one thing about it 'what took you so long' I'll never forget it and he had never expressed it before.

You can make this better and live without his weight around your neck!

See, even an 8 year old gets it! I bet fewer people are fooled by his act than you would ever have imagined at one time.

At least the cinema negates the need for conversation. Are you all going?

Hey. Sounds like you've made a decision and I wish you all the best. I just wanted to add a little ammunition. I was in a very similar situation to your children growing up. What I wanted, to take care of my dad and make sure he was always happy, wasn't healthy. I stopped being a normal child. I spent my pocket money on treats for him, I was always quiet and compliant. My mum found the strength to throw him out.

Yes all going to the cinema.