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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would this be ok or a dealbreaker?

274 replies

Toastandstrawberryjam · 29/01/2015 21:12

Firstly I will just say I have had some brilliant advice on here in the past (you know who you are!). I am almost 100% sure that I'm not overeacting about this but keep laying awake wondering if I am overreacting.

Brief background, married a long time, he is long term EA, would love to get out but we are currently in a situation where I will have to take kids and go as he refuses to see what has happened as an issue.

Last week in front of the DC he screamed that he was going to f*ing slit his wrists before throwing a pile of ironing around and storming downstairs.

He maintains it was just a "silly" thing to say and as such he does not need to discuss it/apologise for it.

I maintain it was the kind of thing a parent NEVER says in front of their child and that I cannot forgive him for it or his attitude towards it.

He has since visited a counsellor (after I strongly asked him to leave) but decided not to tell him this, just to say we had had an argument.

Would it be a deal breaker for you? Or am I (as he says) totally overreacting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 03/02/2015 13:08

For now I don't need one. I have spoken with WA and have copies of all the paperwork. As soon as the dust has settled/he arses around with money, then things will have to move forward. Until then I need to just focus on my DDs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 03/02/2015 13:09

When I cancelled they said I can ring back anytime and probably see her within 48 hours so I'm not going to stress about that right now. I need to shut down from all of it.

OP posts:
bigbuttons · 03/02/2015 13:13

Op, I think that is a big mistake.
You don't need to shut down. Shutting down is why you have come to this point in you life.
You need to be proactive.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 03/02/2015 13:19

My husband has left. I have to tell my children. That's proactive enough for now.

OP posts:
bigbuttons · 03/02/2015 13:22

If he's actually gone and then stays away that will be brilliant.

Auburnsparkle · 03/02/2015 13:35

Please don't decide you aren't going to see a solicitor because you hope your husband will change and can fix this marriage. It is not something which can be repaired. He is not going to change. The only way forward is to be separate from him for good. A new marriage is not possible with an abusive man. Sorry.

bigbuttons · 03/02/2015 13:49

I am a bit concerned that you have given this abusive man some kind of hope of a reconciliation.
He is very abusive to your poor daughters. You need to make it absolutely plain that it is finished, no ifs and buts, no, if he sorts himself out's. It's over, full stop.
I can't believe you are considering a future with him under any circumstances.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 03/02/2015 13:53

I'm not going to see a solicitor right now. I'm not saying not at all I said when the dust settles and we need to sort the house etc.

And I'm well aware the likelihood is he can't change but if he is going to see a counsellor and work on that then that is his choice. And if from that he can change then there will be a tiny possibility of salvaging it. I'm talking years down the line, not next week

OP posts:
bettyboop1970 · 03/02/2015 13:57

I suspect that once you've been on your own for a while in a nice, calm home free from fear, you will not want him back!
Well done.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 03/02/2015 13:58

I suspect that too. But for now I'm happy to let things be this way and see how it all shakes down.

I have been very fair and reasonable yet stood my ground. I just hope my DC recover ok from this.

OP posts:
NettleTea · 03/02/2015 14:31

If it gets him out the door then thats all that matters.
The kind of therapy he need takes years, and he has to actually want to do it for him, not because he hopes he will get you back.
You need to be able to NOT get drawn into any discussions about his therapy, not get bulldozed into attending any joint sessions, etc.
It may be good to sort out, as from now, someone who maybe could be the go between for arranging contact, or you will end up with the tears and drama at every handover.
And try to get it organised and fixed in stone from day 1 - no messing about, no hanging around wondering if he will come or not, no open door policy. And absolutely no contact at the house. If his weekday contact can involve him doing school pick up, then drop off the next day, that would be best. Also if you are going for eo weekend - he collects Friday, drops off on Monday. He will also need to wash uniform that weekend and make sure all homework is done. I believe he said he would fight for custody in the past - so he shouldnt baulk at the school run bit.
This way you dont need to see/speak to him - which makes life 100x easier in the early days and gives you some space to get your head untangled.
With someone so used to psychologically abusing you, he will use all techniques, which is one of the reasons why people are suggesting a solicitor - not to necessarily drive things forward at breakneck speed, but to act as a buffer for you against his attempts to manipulate and confuse you.

As for him being selfish. Yes. He is. But far far more than this he is dangerously abusive. And that is something I doubt he will accept or address.

But I am really proud that you have come this far, I was scared he was going to wheedle it all round again. Take good care of yourself and your children

NettleTea · 03/02/2015 14:34

Your girls WILL recover, because you have stood up for them, and they will see that.

There will no doubt be tears and tantrums, you may find that they act out in all kinds of ways, but dont view that as a failure, take comfort in the knowledge that they are finally ABLE to express their views in safety, that everything they have held inside in fear of upsetting the apple cart will probably now come tumbling out.

Just be there. Love them. And let them know that whatever they do/say, you are 100% on their side.

LizaTarbucksAuntie · 03/02/2015 14:56

I'm so happy for you.

I bloody KNEW you wouldn't crumble you tremendous woman.

Keep busy now.

Cuddle the girls lots and cry together.

let yourselves heal a little.

FWIW I did not see a solicitor for 3 months - during that time I had no intention of letting oldcocknose back through the door - in fact I barricaded it at night to be sure. You've done so, so well and whatever you're currently thinking about yourself I am proud you are my friend.

TendonQueen · 03/02/2015 15:08

Get into the habit of leaving the key in the lock on the inside when you're at home, so he can't just stroll in unannounced when you are there at least. Or put the chain on. Key is less obtrusive.

LizaTarbucksAuntie · 03/02/2015 15:32

^^ that is good advice,

Meerka · 03/02/2015 16:56

toast, well done. This must have taken so much endurance to get to this point, especially the last three days or so.

AnyFucker · 03/02/2015 17:12

What nettle said

well done

now comes the equally hard part...staying resolute and not caving in to the inevitable emotional blackmail

he's not going to give up easily

Jux · 03/02/2015 17:26

Well done, Toast! He's gone and that's what matters right now. Hope the talk with the girls goes OK.

You'll be fine, given some shake down time. Thanks

Lweji · 03/02/2015 19:11

I hope you are having a good evening.
The children will recover, and hopefully won't be too much affected by his EA.

NettleTea · 04/02/2015 15:04

I hope today has been slightly better for you

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 07/02/2015 07:08

Just to update.....

We are doing ok. DC have been upset and a bit angry but sleeping and eating ok. I know it's a long road and they will have behaviour problems for a long time, but I will do my best. They find it hard to understand "why" but it's difficult to put it into language they get.

DH has been round every evening, apart from the night I had to tell the DC. I refused to let him come round as I managed to calm them and I knew he wouldn't be calm. He still cries every evening. He doesn't understand why he can't be here. He says I won't be able to cope and has suggested I move out. Or he takes one or two of the DC with him. Not happening.

I am grateful that I have some truly lovely RL friends who have come round, taken me out for cake, texted me 24/7. I feel sad that he does not have that. I also feel incredibly guilty that he isn't in the house he wants to be in and with his DC.

I took the big step of telling my mum yesterday. By email because that is always her preferred method of communication. She has made it very clear that her pressing concern is her table plan for her party next weekend. I didn't expect sympathy from her, or support. But it would have been nice.

Anyhow thank you to all on here. Onward and upward. Now the weekend to get through!!

OP posts:
Lweji · 07/02/2015 07:18

I found that "lovebombing" (not that I knew about it at the time) worked with DS. He slept in my bed for ages and was very much reassured that at least one person was very consistent in his life.

I do think you need to limit him going to the house as much as possible. He doesn't need to go every night, particularly if it involves emotional abuse of you or the children.

Don't feel sorry for him, he dug his own grave, and despite warnings. You need to feel sorry for yourself and the children and minimise the impact on all of you, not him.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 07/02/2015 07:26

The thing with him being here every night is it isn't the norm. Quite often the DC would barely see him during the week due to his work hours and if they did it would be very much in passing. Now he's here wanting to chat to them and sit with them while they fall asleep - it's not usual.

It's very difficult for me to say he can't see them, when I know he has nothing else. For now I don't want him to see them for long on his own as I don't trust what he will say to them.

I'm not trying to make his life easier, just the DC at the moment. I guess I'm trying to do all of this slowly and gently.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 07/02/2015 07:28

I have been love bombing them :) I've also been very firm with their arguements and nasty behaviour to each other. It's far easier to say "we don't behave like this in our house" now he isn't behaving like that here.

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 07/02/2015 07:33

Thing is, you're allowing the contact for his sake, not because it's best for them. It's not actually best for them to see him every day and risk seeing his tears and emotional abuse, but you are still thinking about feeling sorry for him. I don't blame you, he has made you feel responsible for his feelings for many years but you need to disengage.

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