Would this be ok or a dealbreaker?

[Toastandstrawberryjam]

Firstly I will just say I have had some brilliant advice on here in the past (you know who you are!). I am almost 100% sure that I'm not overeacting about this but keep laying awake wondering if I am overreacting.

Brief background, married a long time, he is long term EA, would love to get out but we are currently in a situation where I will have to take kids and go as he refuses to see what has happened as an issue.

Last week in front of the DC he screamed that he was going to f*ing slit his wrists before throwing a pile of ironing around and storming downstairs.

He maintains it was just a "silly" thing to say and as such he does not need to discuss it/apologise for it.

I maintain it was the kind of thing a parent NEVER says in front of their child and that I cannot forgive him for it or his attitude towards it.

He has since visited a counsellor (after I strongly asked him to leave) but decided not to tell him this, just to say we had had an argument.

Would it be a deal breaker for you? Or am I (as he says) totally overreacting.

I bet they are not that materially minded either, if it came to live free from emotional abuse.
But again, you are projecting into them in finding excuses.
Have you asked them what they want?

You see how fucked up your mindset is from having lived with emotional abuse.
Your children's lives will be as likely to be fucked up, or they will cut with both of you. Him for subjecting them to it, and you for not protecting them (and still staying with him even though they have left home, I suspect).

It's certainly not OK. Your DCs will be taking everything in. They will learn how to act and how to have a relationship from watching the two of you. You owe them a lot more than that, you owe them a better future than that (and a better life for their future partners).
Moving them into a rented house for a little while won't harm them. It will be a good lesson in dealing with change.
Have you counted how many people think this is not OK? It's a lot lot more than the people who think it is. And I would put money on the fact that the people who think it is OK only say that because they are guilty of either saying something themselves, or put up with an EA partner and are trying to justify their own decisions.
Those in healthy relationships will not think this is OK.
I hope you get the help you need.

Do you have a career? Qualifications? Savings? Are you financially dependant upon him?

I say this because this is what stops lots of women from leaving.

But another poster had a plan that went something like this:

She was saving for a deposit and rent up front on a small two bed in a decent area, she was buying essentials and storing them ready to take when she left, she was going to try and study for a few years so that when the dc were at school she could support herself and them by working.

Don't fool yourself that him holding you tight all night is a sign of love. It's an unhealthy dynamic, quite bizarre and a bit freaky.

I understand you when you say you don't want to be moving here and there. So another thing you can try is to contact the council tell them your in an abusive relationship and could they help you with housing?

They do have a duty to help if it's domestic abuse. You don't have to give details. Just ask the question.

Check out a website called hidden hurt for DV stories. You might recognise what these people are saying.

Yes to being financially dependant. I earn a bit, but not enough by any means. I'm not adverse to hard work but I gave up a career to help him advance his. Which leaves me somewhat screwed at this stage.

I fully admit I am scared and a coward. I need to be a better mother and I am trying desperately to be, I'm frantically watching the DC for signs they are ok/not ok 24/7. I am terrified of hurting them more by my inactions or actions.

It's not that I don't feel I can cope alone, I'm sure I can. It's just getting to that stage with as little trauma as possible.

And without holding the flawed childhood flag for sympathy up, I don't actually have any parenting guidelines to fall back on. I'm learning this job on my feet so to speak and I would dearly love to be able to turn to my own mother for support but she thinks DH walks on water.

Hang in there toast. Lots of us know exactly what EA does you do need to accept help to turn it around though.

Hello OP

I understand where you're coming from. Your writing brings it all back. I remember questioning everything, because he was so adamant he had done nothing wrong. Every time. So I used to ask people, is this right? And you'd get some people going fuck, no. And then others, who didn't want to rock the boat, finding some reason or illustrating some scenario where it might not be completely wrong, and then you fixate on that, turning it over and over in your head.

Exhausting!

One day, when you have got rid of this creep, you will stop all this. You won't question everything. There'll be nothing to question. It's brilliant, you have a lot to look forward to, believe me. You just need to get rid of him.

Also, my ex used to hold on to me in bed like that. Yuck. I had forgotten it until you mentioned it.

I hope you can keep the house but it's not the end of the world if you can't. You're not materialistic and that's a good thing. See a solicitor so you can find out where you stand with that. I know this is all massive, but take little steps.

Oh, and my ex threatened suicide all the time. Sadly, he is still alive.

If you have no support around you then why do you resist getting professional support from somewhere like Women's Aid ?

I know someone in a similarly unhappy, lengthy marriage. She has also looked for every excuse possible not to leave. The end result has meant that her older DC left home at a young age to move far away and rarely visit. Her youngest DC is self-harming, unable to keep a job due to depression, has an eating disorder, has angry meltdowns with violent rages and is showing every sign of being as disturbed as her EA father.

Op, you won't see the signs of the damage to your DC from emotional abuse until the damage has already been there for some time.

Oh I don't want the house permanently. Sorry, I just meant to stay in it until it's sold and I can get a little house for me and the DC. I would rather give them that stability than two moves. I wouldn't stay here if I could.

The only reason I think it's easier for him to go is his dad is on his own in a 4 bed house. Or another family member of his has a vacant house 10 mins away he could borrow.

The WA thing? I don't know. I think it's years of him telling me that outside help (counsellors etc) were for weak people. And I know that isn't the case but I endured months of him making remarks about me being a "fruit loop" when I saw counsellor.

I have made a solicitors appt just now for next week. I did get that far once before but cancelled, I need to see it through this time.

Well ignore his ridiculous and incorrect opinions and start listening to what folk are advising here. We have no vested interest, we are not taking sides. We are objective and supportive and telling you (quite bluntly) how he is wrong.

go and phone WA - do it now. Just pick up the phone and dial. Then come back and tell us how we are all wrong.....

Are WA not just for domestic violence? I'm on their website at the moment and that seems predominantly their focus. That has never been a problem here thankfully.

physical abuse is not the only type of abuse

keep reading

Reasons why a woman may not be ready to leave:

She may still care for her partner and hope that they will change (many women don't necessarily want to leave the relationship, they just want the violence to stop).
She may feel ashamed about what has happened or believe that it is her fault.
She may be scared of the future (where she will go, what she will do for money, whether she will have to hide forever and what will happen to the children).
She may worry about money, and supporting herself and her children.
She may feel too exhausted or unsure to make any decisions.
She may be isolated from family or friends or be prevented from leaving the home or reaching out for help.
She may not know where to go.
She may have low self-esteem as a result of the abuse.
She may believe that it is better to stay for the sake of the children (eg wanting a father for her children and/or wishing to prevent the stigma associated with being a single parent).

Taken from their website. It's all those reasons apart from the first one. Especially the exhaustion.

Phone them love, they will help.

Also from their website
www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?section=00010001002200410001&itemid=1272&itemTitle=What+is+domestic+violence
'violence' doesnt always mean physical

some people have phoned here if they have trouble getting through to WA, just to get a professional opinion of whether it is abuse or not

If you cannot get through to WA you can email them, and in the meantime use the Respect number above to get some validation.
WA then can get back to you. As far as I know you can choose to meet someone, even for a coffeee, and they will help you take any steps you wish to take, and advise and support you. They wont force you, they wont tell you what to do, but they will jump at the chance to help if you say you need it.

I can email them? Ok that's better, I'm trying to get through and can't. There is a message that they can call me back but I can't risk him coming home early and taking the call. Email is simpler because I feel sick at the thought of saying the words.

I'm not sure I need more validation, this is all validation enough.

Just in case you wanted a 'professional' opinion, or even some kind of concept of 'how' abusive compared to others they have experience of. We may all express horror at his abuse, and you have said that it feels 'normal' to you, but someone who deals with abuse every day can put it somewhere along the scale for you, to give you some kind of perspective as to how much his insistence that all is good and 'normal' is off mark.

I have emailed WA. Not as good as phoning I know, but I had to do something.

email link here
they are very aware of the risk of impromptu phone calls

There is a local help line too - just look up your area

And a checklist here - one or more 'yes's' are the signs and how they can help you

Email done and I sent them a donation too.