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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would this be ok or a dealbreaker?

274 replies

Toastandstrawberryjam · 29/01/2015 21:12

Firstly I will just say I have had some brilliant advice on here in the past (you know who you are!). I am almost 100% sure that I'm not overeacting about this but keep laying awake wondering if I am overreacting.

Brief background, married a long time, he is long term EA, would love to get out but we are currently in a situation where I will have to take kids and go as he refuses to see what has happened as an issue.

Last week in front of the DC he screamed that he was going to f*ing slit his wrists before throwing a pile of ironing around and storming downstairs.

He maintains it was just a "silly" thing to say and as such he does not need to discuss it/apologise for it.

I maintain it was the kind of thing a parent NEVER says in front of their child and that I cannot forgive him for it or his attitude towards it.

He has since visited a counsellor (after I strongly asked him to leave) but decided not to tell him this, just to say we had had an argument.

Would it be a deal breaker for you? Or am I (as he says) totally overreacting.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/01/2015 23:38

your children are being damaged

what needs to happen to them before you will take action ?

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 29/01/2015 23:43

I just have been worn down over the last week or so into thinking I am the one in the wrong. That this is just normal life and people say stuff and it doesn't mean anything.

I worry that now he has said this, the DC will think he might actually do it if I upset him. Especially as he has switched to Disney dad mode. So anything I do makes me seem unreasonable and the cruel one.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/01/2015 23:51

If you cannot act reasonably when faced with this level of emotional blackmail then it is time to end it now

All communication has broken down. There is no love left here. You cannot fix this. It is impossible to micro manage his behaviour so that the children are not being damaged. Blaming yourself will just keep you and your children under his damaging influence

The best way to handle an empty suicide threat is to say go right ahead and call the emergency services to deal with him.They will give him short shrift for manipulating his family and wasting public money. Or better still, don't be around to hear it in the first place.

OhTheAngst · 30/01/2015 00:01

AF is right - if he theatens suicede pass it on to the police. It is not your responsibilty.

FWIW I put up with a cockloger for 2 decades, it isn't worth it, get out if you can. It can take time to process things, so take your time if you need it. Make plans, get out. In my case I had to start the divorce, he was so passive he'd never have done anything, even though he agreed we should split. It seems hard, but once you've set it in motion, it really isn't.

bigbuttons · 30/01/2015 06:45

If you don't leave then you are complicit in the abuse of your children.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 30/01/2015 07:19

I can act reasonably. But it will seem I'm not. If I insist he moves out or move out myself, then presumably he will react the same again. Only in front of the DC, which will damage them.

And then it will never end will it, he will be the dad who sees them and weeps and wails about how awful I was leaving him when he had done nothing wrong (in his opinion!). I'm truly shafted and he knows this think.

OP posts:
alabastergirl · 30/01/2015 07:30

no you aren't. So because of his empty threats you refuse to act? So his bullying abuse is working. Why won't you stand up for yourself and your children?

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 30/01/2015 07:34

It sounds incredibly hard to figure this out. How about going to see a solicitor today - just making that first step. The solicitor will tell you your options and make you better informed. Seeing the solicitor might seem awful in itself but actually it's just getting information. You don't have to act on it until you're ready.

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 30/01/2015 07:38

Do talk with Women's Aid also as suggested up thread. Again, this gives you options.

Do you have good RL support also? Make sure others are aware of the situation. Don't carry it alone.

When you can't see a way through something it is debilitating. Talking about it, sharing, discussing options, this will all help the fog to clear.

bigbuttons · 30/01/2015 07:39

OP, why do you keep for asking for advice and then refusing to do anything?
This situation had been going on for a very long time. You are allowing your children to be damaged and abused.

bigbuttons · 30/01/2015 07:40

OP won't phone WA. She has been advised to do so on many occasions and simply never does it.

gamerchick · 30/01/2015 07:41

Christ the teenage years you're going to have because you're allowing your children to be damaged by their father. They might escape mental illness if you're lucky but will still bear the scars for the rest of their lives.

At least make provision for them and send them somewhere they won't be abused or witness abuse. Then you can cling on to a house all you want then.

Lweji · 30/01/2015 07:46

You do have to make a stand to this kind of emotional abuse and blackmail.

Your DC will learn how to react to it from you. So, don't give in to it.

Talk to your DC about it, get them counselling. What you don't want is for them (or you) to live with the kind of person who throws things around, threatens suicide as a weapon and wails and cries to get his own way.

Show your children what must be done.

They will be sorry for him, but they will see through him too.

Forget who is the bad or the good guy.

And get a solicitor on the case. That is abuse and you can get him out.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 30/01/2015 07:48

I don't want the house! It's four walls to me but it is my children's home. If I take them out to a rented house what kind of damage will that do them. I don't have a crystal ball to see what is the best thing to do and I am continually told I am overreacting (and in fact two people (?) on this thread said they would see a suicide threat in front of DC as ok).

The WA thing? I guess I have a mind block about that, probably as a result of thinking it's an admission of failure. That all of this is.

And my DC aren't little, one is teen.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 30/01/2015 07:51

And I also feel a sense of responsibility for him too. I know I shouldn't but 20 years of marriage will do that. I don't want him to behave like this, I want him to agree to an amicable split like an adult. About as much chance of that as having a pink glittery unicorn for a pet. I don't want him to be hurt and sad, but I want my DC to be ok and (selfishly) I want to be happy.

OP posts:
Lweji · 30/01/2015 07:55

The children won't be damaged for moving or living in rented accommodation, FGS.

They will by their dad.

It's not your failure. You can't make him do or say what you want. You can't change him.
Many people stay in abusive relationships because they think they can control them. (me too)
You need to let go and don't look back. Either get a solicitor on the case, and your children are old enough to be witnesses, or leave with them.
Plan what to do so that the wailing and self pity and the suicide threats are mostly avoided, but do something.

Lweji · 30/01/2015 07:58

So far you have listed excuses to do nothing.

Do you want validation from this thread to leave, or actually for people to say that you are right, you have to stay and there is nothing you can do?
It sounds like the second.

You know what must be done. Get the help to do it. WA, solicitor, family.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 30/01/2015 08:01

No I was quite clear what I wanted. To know if people thought this threat in front of DC was acceptable. It's clear that a few do.

It was my one (I felt) valid reason that I could cling to. But if it is still possibly an overreaction on my part then everything could be.

I remember years ago my mother saying she pitied my DH for being married to me as I was such a bitch (in front of my DC) so in my mind I think maybe she is right and it is me.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 30/01/2015 08:03

It is totally abnormal to even think this way let alone say this out loud in front of a child!

He is not a good role model to your children and do not be fooled into thinking this is normal. It isn't. Don't believe it. It's appalling that he went to see a counsellor but can't actually bring himself to tell her what he said! This suggests on some level he is embarrassed.

Lweji · 30/01/2015 08:04

So, most people say it wasn't. You think it wasn't.
But a couple of people say if it was a one off they wouldn't leave.
Do you value more your opinion, your feelings about this, your DC's sanity, or a couple of people who probably don't know what is leaving with an emotional abuser? Who you don't know who they are, and for all you know are emotional abusers themselves?

Lweji · 30/01/2015 08:05

Sorry, living with an emotional abuser.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 30/01/2015 08:07

I value my DC sanity. I have no opinions or feelings on it other than that. I grew up with similar threats (not suicide but being left alone) so I know how damaging they are but I also have a skewed version of what is normal because of that. Which is why I worry that I overreact.

OP posts:
Lweji · 30/01/2015 08:08

And most people say you weren't.

Quitelikely · 30/01/2015 08:08

Well the few who do have a distorted perception of these things. It's not ok.

Lweji · 30/01/2015 08:10

But you seem to cling to the two who said not yet. Not that it's ok to say it, but not after one time.

There is much more abuse in your home and there will be more.

Your choice here.

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