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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Still finding it hard to move on......

972 replies

Hobbitwife001 · 28/01/2015 20:05

Hello everyone, this is a continuation of my previous thread, so a big welcome to everyone who participated on that one, and hello to anyone new who would like to join in this one.

A little recap of my story, my husband of 27 years left four months ago for another woman that I considered a friend. We live in a small village, and he has moved in with her and her son around the corner from the family home.

I have two sons at home with me, they are 23 and 19, the youngest has Asperger's syndrome and dyspraxia.

I am having counselling to help me get over the massive shock of his betrayal, for months I couldn't sleep or eat very much and started to suffer panic attacks and anxiety.

At the moment I am at the nisi stage of our divorce, I have petitioned for unreasonable behaviour. I am now trying to get the best settlement I can before I apply for the absolute. Needless to say, he is trying not to provide any provision for my youngest son, and has put forward a 50/50 proposal for division of the assets.

So, let's carry on ladies shall we?

OP posts:
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Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 28/01/2015 20:27

I should have put Part Two at the end there, what a muppet I am!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 28/01/2015 20:40

Through the storm, honey , why do you want him back after he has treated you and your daughter so badly? He is not worth one more tear, my heart goes out to you, I know the pain you are feeling, I was with my husband for a long time as well, but he is not the man you thought he was.

He is a selfish, uncaring, unfaithful idiot, who has had his ego inflated by a younger woman. How could he do that to his daughter? Please take care of yourself, you do not sound in a good place at the moment. I have been there , and it is hell. Look after your children and they will give you the strength to overcome the pain you are feeling right now.

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 28/01/2015 21:15

Hello again Hobbit,

My back story is "ditto" in that was I left, rather rudely, one day by an utter arse of a man. Had a lot of counselling, done a lot of thinking, sworn way too many times about it and am having an 'interesting' divorce, which I am coming to the end of. What next? is large on my agenda, as not only did he leave me, he left me in a helluva mess financially, and his behaviour since, has worsened the financial mess.

I no longer want him back, but I do want the judge, or rather, STBXH to co-operate with the divorce and to get something close to a fair settlement. I would also like to feel more optimistic about the future, and I would like not to be an anxious mess in the present!

I would also like the moon on a stick.

But to carry on from the last thread -

Family re: 'court look' the advice given to me was to dress as comfortably as possible - "my" court was either freezing cold (the consultation rooms) or boiling hot (the court room itself). No need to be suited an booted. But I guess since you've been shopping, you've already got yourself sorted!

I have given up on so called 'self-help' books because I find myself shouting at the authors - yes, it's all right for you love, you're over it, but I'm still going through it! But I may be a bit ragey at the moment.

Joy5 · 28/01/2015 21:30

Hobbit
Your story is so similar to mine, my ex left have a long marriage too, and now lives 2 minutes away with his new family. One of our sons has aspergers too and is 20.

Except mine left over 3 years ago. He took me to family court, of course his new partner paid his legal bills, while i self-repped due to my low income, Judge said maintenance paid until our youngest is nearly 20 to give me a chance to get a better paid job.

Hoping you can sort your without court, and if your ex has made an offer thats is starting point. Of course he wants a 50/50 split, than he can start his new life all sorted!!

Don't know if you're using a solicitor or not, but make him an offer back, one thats feasible. Up to him whether he accepts or not, but he can't just walk away. If you want to pm about the legal stuff please do.

Can only sympathise with your ex being so close, doesn't make it any easier to cope with the end of your marriage when their new life is so visible.

3 years on i'm in a much better place, doing new things i never would have before, you might not believe it yet, but you'll move on too. You have whats important and thats your children living with you, knowing you'd never leave them. Your ex might be acting like hes got everything now but really hes got nothing compared to you.

familyofthree2014 · 28/01/2015 21:58

Hello Hobbit! I'm hoping this thread provides as much support as the previous but includes more stories of us starting to have some positive and exciting experiences. I know there are rough times ahead for all of us but if there are also some really good times mixed in there too, I will be a happy lady.

Hi Joy. Doing new things is exactly what I want to do too - just need to think of something.

WWK - I got a fairly smart but comfy outfit so nothing too extreme. I hope it says 'responsible, reasonable mother... but don't mess with me, ok?'

iwashappy · 28/01/2015 22:08

Hello Hobbit, thanks for the new thread.

My back story:

I was happily married for 25 years to a man I considered lovely, kind and decent. It turns out that he was having an affair for nearly a year with a much younger woman who lives very close by and who I knew and was friendly with. I have since discovered he cheated on me throughout our marriage with a string of women and had also cheated on his first wife too.
He also bragged to some of his mates about his conquests.

He resumed seeing the OW the very day I ended our marriage, moved in with her next door while he was waiting for our flat to be empty and is still very much seeing her while they both live extremely close by.

Izzie595 · 28/01/2015 22:23

Well, as we are doing the back story thing, was married nearly 30 years, left early 3 months ago for OW. Two sons aged 19 and 22. Not petitioned for divorce, still running joint finances etc, will move towards financial settlement ourselves but not rushing.

I was coping pretty fine for the first two months, very productive at home etc. Recently have entered a new phase. Dog tired, lethargic. Neither helped by late nights, appetite loss again, plus my usual default mode of avoiding cooking as far as humanly possible. But, yes, my figure looks goodGrin. Am having a few anxious moments, often for no obvious reason, and that's annoying me, but I figure it will just pass.

My resolution is to listen to my body and go to sleep when I need to. I have had no problem sleeping, just waking up! Except for a few nights due to events outside of my control, when I just couldn't wind down.

So.....I had that meeting today, it was fine and supportive. And I have a test drive booked on Saturday but I have no idea where I have put my driving licence, and haven't even started looking for it yet!

Thinking of Green tomorrow, have PMd.

Drifting must have got buried under his papers

I'm now off to check out iwas and the latest voting.

And thanks for starting the thread again HobbitWine

iwashappy · 28/01/2015 22:38

WWK I hope you manage to get your "interesting" divorce sorted out sooner rather than later. You definitely deserve the moon on a stick. x

Joy pleased to hear you are in a much better place now. We need some inspiration on here sometimes, thank you.

Family yes positive and exciting would be good. Hope you have had a better day today. x

Green will be thinking of you tomorrow sweetheart. Pleased that your DH has finally shown you some concern albeit far too late. Take care and look after yourself. Flowers

Through I am sorry you are having so much additional upset to deal with. I know how hard it is to switch off your feelings for someone even if they have treated you badly but to not come to the hospital after your DD's operation is awful. You and your children deserve so much better than that. x

Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 28/01/2015 23:35

Hi Joy, thanks for your lovely response. We are very similar aren't we? I hope to be where you are , i am recovering slowly, it's like convalescing after a traumatic incident, but I am feeling more positive.
I don't miss or mourn the 'man', in fact I am quite content at the moment in my strange limbo, not married yet not divorced, she is welcome to him now, he is soiled goods to me and my sons, I just want it to be resolved, and a good outcome for my son, he is disputing that he needs to pay maintenance for my son and that he 'may' get a job, yes he may, and I would be delighted for him, but i need to be able to put a roof over his head, feed and clothe him if he does not and my exes income is five times that of mine.
Lovely idea, to do new things and go new places I am hoping to do all that with my sons, love, ?? hobbit , x

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 28/01/2015 23:55

You should put a link in from your old thread Hobbit as I think it was Izzie who pointed out that she'd read a similar type of thread from yonderyear which, as well know, is really helpful for those that will follow us down the lonely path...

WellWhoKnew · 28/01/2015 23:57

well = we all, not as well knows.

Things for WWK to do with her financial settlement:

Invest in typing lessons.
Invest in English lessons.
Invest in Proof-reading lessons.

WellWhoKnew · 28/01/2015 23:58

WWK is a bona fida idiot in RL.

Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 29/01/2015 00:02

Don't know how to do that WWK, don't understand this internet malarkey, I am not an 'expert in communications' like Mr Snowey Whitey!
I'll just have to hope they realise it's carried on from the last thread, cos i is a dumb ass:)

OP posts:
Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 29/01/2015 00:05

Things for hobbit to do with her final settlement, learn how to post a link, and various other computer thingies!

OP posts:
Izzie595 · 29/01/2015 00:10

Things for Izzie to do with her final settlement, employ a chef and/or move next door to a takeaway

Izzie595 · 29/01/2015 00:15

I miss my ex. I started going to bed early, before him, so I could be asleep before Concorde and the hordes of pigs descended.

And now, look at the time Sad

iwashappy · 29/01/2015 00:18

I'm going to buy a dartboard with his picture on it and lots more yellow paint.

And in in the spirit of the above a computer course to learn how to do a link too. But I can now post flowers and strikethrough proud

Thank you for the light relief x

Izzie595 · 29/01/2015 00:20

Tell me how to do strike through please??

Izzie595 · 29/01/2015 00:21

Don't put the dartboard in your bedroom though!

Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 29/01/2015 00:23

You don't miss him! Who would miss that racket?
Get a grip young lady , sleep is for wimps apparently, wouldn't mind some myself though. Trouble is I'm addicted to MN now, can't leave it alone , iPad permanently welded to my hands, withdrawal symptoms when I go to work, I need an intervention:) nighty night Izzie, xx

OP posts:
Izzie595 · 29/01/2015 00:26

I thought of Sid tonight. Because I was sitting in the kitchen wearing my nightdress and boots. Yes I had been to collect my son wearing my nightdress, a coat and boots. In a fucking dodgy car!

Right, I've now had my last, just one more, this really is the last cigarette. Time to shift my arse up those stairs. Night xx

Izzie595 · 29/01/2015 00:28

At least I used to go to bed at a reasonable hour because of him. I'm a desperate sleep deprived woman, Hobbit. And addicted to MN too! Night x

Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 29/01/2015 00:32

green, thinking of you honey, hope everything goes very well, lots of love to you and the children, xx

OP posts:
iwashappy · 29/01/2015 00:44

two before and after the word(s) but with no spaces will do strikethrough.

Dartboard is definitely not going in my bedroom as I'm not very good and will put holes in my lovely yellow walls.

You are just fantasising about that night of passion Izzie. I did look for those boots for you as I thought you might like to wear them for him!! but couldn't find them.

I've had two glasses of wine tonight - on a weeknight by myself!

Need to get to bed too, night all and thank you xx

WellWhoKnew · 29/01/2015 02:38

hobbit, the instuctions are here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/271336-what-do-you-think-of-this

Good luck!

WWK.

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