Still finding it hard to move on......

[Hobbitwife001]

Hello everyone, this is a continuation of my previous thread, so a big welcome to everyone who participated on that one, and hello to anyone new who would like to join in this one.

A little recap of my story, my husband of 27 years left four months ago for another woman that I considered a friend. We live in a small village, and he has moved in with her and her son around the corner from the family home.

I have two sons at home with me, they are 23 and 19, the youngest has Asperger's syndrome and dyspraxia.

I am having counselling to help me get over the massive shock of his betrayal, for months I couldn't sleep or eat very much and started to suffer panic attacks and anxiety.

At the moment I am at the nisi stage of our divorce, I have petitioned for unreasonable behaviour. I am now trying to get the best settlement I can before I apply for the absolute. Needless to say, he is trying not to provide any provision for my youngest son, and has put forward a 50/50 proposal for division of the assets.

So, let's carry on ladies shall we?

hi everyone
really sorry you all seem to have been struggling today - i guess its expected though - its a hurdle to get over - i have been relatively ok not sure why - maybe something to do with results yesterday - i actually felt like I had won the lottery - not that i ever have :-) but its mad! - dont know how else to explain it.
My saga has also been going on for over a year now so I had a V day from hell last year - my DH actually told me the day before he wanted out - wrote me a nice letter (later found out with the help of OW - which is why when i read it it was a load of bollocks) explaining how he had just fallen out of love with me - my kids got me through last year and my DD made
me blub today. they are with DH but she left me some chocs & a card which i had to find whilst skyping her - she has a huge heart!
I had some course buddies over this morning and even though had the chance to go out decided to stay in with the dog been doing an essay!

something in my head has shifted - i wish i could help you lot get where I am because whatever it was has gone - i know i will still have moments but even another communication from his sol about number of "excessive & relentless emails which must be managed as efficiently as possible with all requests through sols so they both have same info just left me thinking "same old same old" blah blah . My SHL has all the information because my approach has been give her everything - she can use what is relevant- i am not going to pay for my solicitor to send information to his because he has chosen not to give it to her - thats her problem to sort out wit him - & all this pontification over bank statements he does not want to provide because they reveal his true spending- my view now pathetic & childish - let the best people deal with it now.

dont know why im still awake either- i am saving any decoration until house certain but may have a bit of a splurge on clothes as most things hanging off me - Im happy to start anew thread - dont feel any one shoud feel obliged to reply to comments or post & if anyone needs abreak to focus on other things or just from foucussing on here fine too - lets just keep it going for people as & when they want it

and if you havent seen 50SOG do -nice body to gawp at bit of a laugh & fantasy!

Hi all - also had a couple of 'struggling' days going back to 'what the fuck?' and trying to do to the maths on what he's squandered, and what happens next - I'm now just a nearly month from knowing where the future lies, but still can't get my head around why I can't decide it myself. I feel like a child, I really do. And I did not have the easiest of childhoods, so I've been doing waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much navel gazing.

Another poster I'm in contact with has been having similar difficulties, as I've faced, in her divorce and was asked 'do you want him to go to prison?' by the judge, and I've really struggled with that notion too, should I be asked the answer is 'no'. Of course, I may not be asked, it may well just be ordered. I hate him, of course I do, but I don't hate his family so I can't answer 'yes'. I will never get my head around the fact that he did this to his family too. And continues to do so.

But it's not for me to explain nor understand him.

But I can't bear the idea that I have to 'go get a job' that has the potential to quite frankly kill me slowly from the inside. Given what I have given up for 'love' and been forced to give up for 'divorce', I'm still struggling to adjust. It's not that I'm snob, it's that I've got a brain and I've got skills and experience and qualifications and fuck me, if I'm going to be treated like dumb blonde, I will nod and smile, but not for the rest of my fucking life. So some days I feel like I'm drowning. It'll pass I'm sure.

I'm looking forward to moving home, to decorating, to gaining independence on the one hand (if the judge so orders), but absolutely dreading court part II, and possibly part III, because he remains a very angry man - which given he was the one who left, who plotted and planned, I can't get my head around. He wanted out of the marriage - fine. I can't stop him, but fuck me, he left - why be so vitriolic now? Oh, yeah - cos I got them things called 'brains' and I got them things called 'equal rights'. And I'm supporting both of them.

I AM glad he's gone but I miss his better self - the man I fell in love with. The man who was on his behaviour. So I still mourn albeit I'm a realist.

I also miss my day job - chronically.

Back to sol's next week so have had to cancel next week's plans, which is annoying - I need a break, but such is the divorcing life.

Hobbit I fully understand your decision, and Izzie I'd be glad if you took on the mantle - I am determined to give dumped spouses dignity, but I already have my own thread, so think you should open Hobbit's bar. So very often a person starts up a 'he's just left' thread and it stops quite quickly, so having a 'gathering point' is probably best.

But the other realisation I'm coming to is that people do actually like me, and once upon a time, he was utterly drawn to me (I was a bit 'meh' at the time of meeting), and I am not the person who changed. I'm still me. So I'm just mighty fine. Who needs him? Right now, I just need some of his income so that I can move on. I most definitely don't need him. So, if there's any justice, the judge will award me a portion so that I can 'move on'. Huh - how insulting is that - I get a life free of fuckwittery paid for by him! [Please GG!]

I'm not prepared to let his betrayal stop me being okay about being me. In fact, it's because he's changed, that I'm in this royal mess. So that's my take on it, I'm just 'okay'. He's just a disgusting human being and one, sorrowfully, I married.

I'll keep popping in, no probs - after all we all have to get to the 'life after divorce' bit. And that means we all have to learn that you get through this just one day at a time. No more, no less.

Hobbit - take care love. You're having a depressive moment - think about going back for a bit of the old 'talking therapy', even if it's just another counsellor. As fast as I though 'yep, I'm getting my head around this, then I'd drop, so even though not every week I needed counselling, I kept the option for the weeks I did.

This has been one of the weeks I did.

KOKO.

Green. Fabulous.

Green, so pleased you are doing so well, can you pass a bit of positivity my way? A massive relief about the results, that must have taken a huge weight from your shoulders.

I would be completely happy for you to take over the new thread, I just feel a bit of a fraud trying to give advice when I can't deal with my own situation.
Obviously my "fake it till you make it" approach has failed me, so I need to have a re-think about how to go forward in the best way. I may go back to my counsellor this week and ask her opinion.

I will still contribute of course, I wouldn't want to lose contact with you lovely people. [flowers ] for you, x

Doh! Done a Zebra!

Morning all.

Some very insightful posts from Green, Hobbit and WWK which show the wide variation of feelings in this situation

So, on the basis that we only have 50 more posts left, can I suggest that we move towards starting a new thread?

I vote that it should be called Hobbit's Bar....... obviously in honour of Hobbit who has given us so much. I would be happy for Green to head up the thread as she suggested.

Thoughts from WWK
"think you should open Hobbit's bar. So very often a person starts up a 'he's just left' thread and it stops quite quickly, so having a 'gathering point' is probably best."

Thoughts from Green
" Im happy to start anew thread - dont feel any one shoud feel obliged to reply to comments or post & if anyone needs abreak to focus on other things or just from foucussing on here fine too - lets just keep it going for people as & when they want it"

I can't quote from Hobbit as her comments are on the previous page and I would lose what I've typed if I go back. But she likes the idea of being able to pop in and out as suits.

And my thoughts are very much that we keep a general gathering point going without anyone feeling they have to play host and give advice.

So, people, any more thoughts on the new thread?

PS, if the threads gets full, Green, that's it, girl, over to you.

Hobbit yes get yourself back to that counsellor and see what she says.

Love to all. Catch you later xx

Paddling I posted before I read yours. Yes agreed. I find decorating to be good therapy. It keeps me occupied, I'm doing something positive, and it is also thinking time. I need to process things, but at least if it happens when I'm painting I don't feel my time is dominated by all of that stuff. I had. I choice but to decorate, but in hindsight, I think I would be struggling a lot without it

Should read "I had no choice"

Hi everyone, I am more than happy to pass on the baton to Green, it's just my nature to want to help anyone who is going through this horrible process, but I'm just not strong enough personally to take on other peoples troubles as well as my own.

I love the idea Izzie had, where we can all pop in and out when we can, that way we can be updated on our progress, and keep in touch.

I am just having a down period, I'm sure I'll come back up, I have too, it's sink or swim, and I'm not going to drown myself!

bugger - just lost a really long post that i was hoping would help you lot

How about "Hobbits Bar, still finding it hard to move on" so there is some sort of continuity, and putting links to Hobbit's previous threads, if that's ok with her?

So sorry you're feeling down Hobbit. Over the years I have been on and off MN depending on my state of mind at the time. It has been a real life saver for me, somewhere to vent, and somewhere I can always get a laugh.

Hobbit of course you will bounce back, you have all the personal attributes to thrive. It's so frustrating when we feel we go backwards or aren't making progress. It's not the case though. It's all about working through our feelings. Some feelings take longer than others to process. It needs to be done though, so we can finally heal and move ahead. There is no point in continually suppressing the feelings, it will do no good in the end

Green you have been appointed our saviour and you lose your post! Get a grip, love

Absolutely, bobs, we must need to check with Green the Guru that she can do links ......

LONG POST !

Right you lot my heads been in overdrive again trying to work out if there’s anyway I can help – so a bit of psycho babble that may help you shift your heads- as you know I am dabbling in this field.
As little girls we all grow up being “brainwashed” with the fairytales that we will all meet our Prince Charming and live happily ever. As we get older we then get into films such as grease/ dirty dancing which all reinforces this same message of “happy ever after”. Older still we are still getting the same message as friends get married and we look forward to our turn. We slowly start to realise that this is not always how things really are as we hear about marriages failing and partners cheating etc. But this message of “happy ever after” has been ingrained in us for so long it is difficult for the subconscious part of the brain to accept the new “message” as it goes against what we have always “believed”. So this is where our battle is – our subconscious brain is trying to accept the new version but is it very good at hanging onto old messages – it will not give up easily and will use tactics such as when “we think it must be us” rather than just accept the new version. It is far more powerful than the conscious brain and that is why it is often so difficult to process change. Our subconscious brain will keep fighting until it has all the “proof” it needs to accept the new “reality” that there is no such thing as happy ever after or Prince Charming – this is when we will find the detachment. But it will take work to get to this – but we can all do it!
Painting is great for allowing the brain to absorb all this – anything that is repetitive and lets the conscious brain switch off will have the same effect – ironing for me -?
The other part of this is realising that it is not us and it is not personal – I know it bloody well feels personal but the thing here is these men would have done exactly the same whoever they had been with – the reason it feels personal is that we wouldn’t – never ! for us it is all how we feel about them – but for them it is all about how they feel about themselves. We can’t change that – only they can! (although that’s questionable). Realising that there are so many who do the same thing, follow a pattern, play the same game helps our subconscious accept the new version – it can’t be us when there are so many doing exactly the same and all the women are reacting as I am – I am not overreacting, I am not unreasonable I am reacting normally in an extremely “normal” (ie non personal) situation!
The other side of this is the feelings – this is where mindfulness comes in – this is all about acknowledging the feeling but learning to let it go when it is no good for us – ie the negative feelings, anger, pain, hurt but also about “hanging onto” the feelings that are good, self – worth, I am ok, I can do this, I will get through it. This is done by focusing on the “right now”- again a difficult concept if we are not used to it – its not about the past or the future but about the moment right now – that is the only “bit of time” you can do anything about! You can choose how you want to feel right now!
drifting I am curious to know what cds you are listening to and whether you still are and if you feel they have helped?
Im going to post this bit first and then answer some of you individually.
Please bear in mind that I am only “Miss Marple of Amateur Pscychology” as DH referred to me during meeting about DS with a “proper” psychologist ? but something has worked for me –15 years ago I had severe depression after not coping well with a work situation – I fully expected to be back there now but I haven’t been. If anyone gets anything out of this that helps them then this is my “payback” for all the support I have had from you lot. KOKO wonderful peopleXX

Check me out!

paddling and that's what takes the time - none of us do "letting go" easily we are not taught how to do this and we also need to have a new dream to replace the old one or at least have a way of dealing with each bit that "scares" us - it doesn't matter whether it actually happens its just knowing we have an option of how to cope with it - once we have found one we are then open to finding other ways which then gives us a choice and some "control" over our future lives!

and you know I'm also wondering whether some of my dreams will still happen they just weren't with DH!

well sometimes i think we have to do navel - gazing - we are questioning our old "beliefs" and adjusting them to allow for whatever we are currently going through - the reason you feel like a child - everything stems from childhood - you are probably finding similarities between then & now - difficult then - difficult now - questioning how you dealt with things then & now! perfectly normal - the ability to do this allows us to deal with things and hopefully move on into a happier place.

prison thing - difficult one

job thing - totally get you on this - gave up for love & my kids -but have also reconciled with myself that even knowing what I know now would still have done exactly the same for my kids- have told them this too! may have done less ironing of shirts though & spent more time learning computer skills (grin)

him - personality disorder - thats why you dont get it - none of us do - also remember would have had to work hard to present better self- there was something in it for them - not so better self was hidden or not so obvious until hit times of stress or as now when under extreme stress and no need to hide it anymore!

well - you are exactly who you always were - these twunts have played with us - got us questioning, doubting ourselves because had we realised what was going on we may have disappeared a long time ago- but we will emerge as a stronger, more knowledgeable & happier version of our former selves - I truly believe this- not everyday but overall!

keep strong well you are coming up to the last hurdles of an extremely long and hard run!

hobbit how you are feeling is perfectly ok - you have to allow yourself to feel like this and accept it is part of the process - the reason you cant get your head round the pain is that you would never inflict this level of pain on someone else - but that is not him - that is you.

my DH lied to me too over & over again yep looking me straight in the eyes, the main reason i believed him - his DF believed him but that was before I realized they are both the same - both motivated by money, by how people see them, by what they have rather than what they feel, that they will lie & cheat rather than admit their mistake and even then they will try & shift the blame to maintain their false "self image" justify their own behaviour with any tactic rather than put their hands up & say sorry yep I was wrong I need to put this right.

hobbit nothing at all to do with us - its them - they are skewed!

take some time out - try the counselling - be kind to yourself - your head will get back in the groove - its just readjusting! i am doing ok at the moment - ive started a new thread - just do whatever you feel you need to do and that may be nothing at all- go back to the one day at a time - just no pressure on yourself! it will come.

i second this too from izzie this thread caught me

"If it wasn't for you starting this thread and welcoming others, Hobbit, I really don't know where I would be now. I thank you from the bottom of my heart."

family it is like a scar- exactly that ( i have two now:-)) - the wound is covered, it heals slowly, it doesnt hurt as much as it did, but if i knock it - ouch yes it hurts -its fading - but I know its still there as cant shave my armpit! soon I will be able to though, soon I will forget about it every day, and then every so often I will look at it & think oh yeah I went through that!

family they dont do "niave" & "gullible" because they would have to admit to themselves they have flaws & they see these as weaknesses- they dont like weaknesses - thats why they lie & cheat to avoid these.

im in the same place as you - want it sorted so I can totally focus on me & the kids - but I KNOW i am going to be ok - whatever the outcome because I am choosing to be this - and him - who? - meh!

keep going ladies

I expect some wobbles but I am going to try & keep this frame of mind up throughout the next stage - big personal challenge - but hey isn't this what its all about!

KOKOxx

lol - definitely more time on computer skills having done a zebra

oh dear think DH may have had a bit of "payback" -wanted to know where his was - seems DD didn't think he deserved anything!

This thread now has a new home

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2309014-HOBBITS-BAR-still-finding-it-hard-to-move-on-part-3

If it wasn't for you starting this thread and welcoming others, Hobbit, I really don't know where I would be now. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.