Still finding it hard to move on......

[Hobbitwife001]

Hello everyone, this is a continuation of my previous thread, so a big welcome to everyone who participated on that one, and hello to anyone new who would like to join in this one.

A little recap of my story, my husband of 27 years left four months ago for another woman that I considered a friend. We live in a small village, and he has moved in with her and her son around the corner from the family home.

I have two sons at home with me, they are 23 and 19, the youngest has Asperger's syndrome and dyspraxia.

I am having counselling to help me get over the massive shock of his betrayal, for months I couldn't sleep or eat very much and started to suffer panic attacks and anxiety.

At the moment I am at the nisi stage of our divorce, I have petitioned for unreasonable behaviour. I am now trying to get the best settlement I can before I apply for the absolute. Needless to say, he is trying not to provide any provision for my youngest son, and has put forward a 50/50 proposal for division of the assets.

So, let's carry on ladies shall we?

No in a pub...when I was suddenly overcome by socialablism...

He was quite a bit older than and missing a few teeth, but otherwise a nice chap but not for me.

Hi gang . Yes been busy sorting out documents . Thought I should lie low as I need to get things signed and filed . However later on tonight I will be updating , just some bits , its terminal for certain . The marriage not me . Sorry to scare you.

Catch up later & I am glad to see everyone is alive & on the journey.
Later ! x.

Why do people say " you will meet someone " ? I meet lots of people doesn't mean I want to be with them ! Blimey , trying to shake this one off, still, I am comfortable with a group of people on MN who are honest , just like I am .

Thats more than enough for me thanks !

But hey, you're sorted, got a date with Mr Sideburns ain't cha?

Oh gutted! I got home and there were a few white bits in the flower bed.
It's been snowing!! That's it, some of us Southerners are now having to endure awful weather......so that's it, date off.

You can take my place Hobbit.

Why do people say " you will meet someone " ?

Because they want us to be as miserable as fuck, same as them

I'm very clever cos I can also do strikeout

Family I bet there's not a single stunt he's pulling that I haven't heard of. When preparing for a final hearing one must:

• spend all the money first
• spend all the income every month in cash
• suddenly acquire a serious medical condition
• collapse all the financial assets they have meticulously invested in for years
• suddenly lose 'property/assets' or discover that their 18 bedroom mansion (or equivalent) it is in fact owned by someone related to them and has been for years (but unfortunately the paperwork all got burnt in a housefire, in a house they do not in fact own at all, in fact they can't even remember where it is...)
• have a sudden urge to retire early and go live in the country in a 88 bedroom mansion as 18 is just too small
• their job prospects suddenly become very unstable and unpredictable, in fact, they are likely going to be made redundant in a few weeks even though the employer says this is not the case so won't provide a statement to that effect - and like an idiot he submits this to the judge to 'prove' his version of events...
• claim all assets acquired in the marriage are in fact pre-marital assets
• claim the spouse 'deserves' nothing because it was only loaned to him/her in the first place
• claims that in fact the marriage is not real and confess to being still married to wife no. 1
• claims that the marriage should be nullifed because he didn't realise it was a marriage - he thought he was just going to a party...

That Bailli website makes for a very interest read! Some, none or a few of these stunts may or may not have been adopted my MrSW...

Goodness me. A couple of those are on my list but wow. Just wow. I have recently been told I am being pedantic about marital assets (which he declares were solely his) and asked to pay towards a few ridiculous purchases - that reek of midlife crisis - bought after our separation. I just hope the legal system and the evidence I have will stand up.

It is so tiring though isn't it. I feel like the majority of my time is spent defending myself. And even then it's really only to myself, family and friends because I choose minimal contact so never reply to any of his absurd accusations. I wish I could but I know it would do no good as per past experience and the character disorder article from green.

How are you green?

WWK - what was the judge like with him? I hope they see through it all? I do worry it'll be like some film where they side with the baddie.

Soz, Izzie, cannot take your place on date, totally trapped in arse end of nowhere due to lots of white stuff falling from the sky.
Will have to get the paper tomorrow with sled and husky team. :)

How is everyone tonight? I've been working until nine, seems a bit quiet.
Thinking of you Green, hope it all went smoothly.

Drifting, you sound like you have been very productive, nice to hear from you.

Iwas, my love, had a better day today?

Hobbit it's just a bit of snow FFS, shift your arse, get on those boots and start walking! You have no idea how rough it is for us here, it's cold and we have water falling from the sky!

Sleds and huskies.....sideburns......I see some scope here hoping I haven't outed myself

Green, yes thinking of you lots.

Drifting, a man on a mission, looking forward to hearing from you

Iwas, one step at a time

I'm going to be really boring and go to bed now. When you fall asleep at the kitchen table over an ipad, you know it's time to head upstairs

Night all, catch up tomorrow x

The judges bark orders around, they are deliberately intimidating so be prepared for that (it's an act), although the children's specialist judge was perfectly pleasant and kind at the FDA, unfortunately in STBXH's favour.

I was warned I would get a helluva time about the costs incurred in fighting this litigation, but I'm told this is usual. In fact, SHB explained why my costs have exploded right at the beginning and I wasn't given a hard time at all - so he'd obviously given out to SHB at the beginning of the day, when I was safely tucked up in the consulting room.

GG had clearly read all the case notes and I think he's realised just what a hard time I've had with the questionnaires and SoD.

GG was sarcastic and sneery to some of STBXH replies (good!) which surprised me. I think he's seen straight through STBXH. He was fine with me though. I mean I expected him to be grumpy, but I think I pulled on his heartstrings a little because I didn't rage, rant and whinge. I focused on being a woman with a plan to get out of my marriage...

If it's FDA you won't be expected to speak at all so don't worry. FDA is to just check that 'all is order' so that you can drill down into a settlement, and issue orders to ensure every is complying/or to agree undertakings on certain behaviours/dates of the exchange of documents etc.

Just make sure you look at the judge when he speaks, and if you need to communicate to your solicitor, write it down, don't speak. Complete and utter obsequiousness is expected for the 'old school' judges, not so much by younger ones. In the FDA, I sat in the consulting room until late afternoon and was only in front of the judge at the end of the day for around 30mins.

Good morning everyone. I have been quiet because I have been told to not so be " obvious " to my situation, because things are not signed, so I have to be anonymous ?

Waiting on ExW then we are good to go. I may be the only male on this thread so far , but , I will bet my less than 40% settlement that I am not the only lurker ! I would so like to be honest , trouble being , I am not risking my future happiness on ExW whim .

Been to friends tonight & it has been agreed that we are progressing - we agreed that I don't talk about ExW & they don't mention ExW so it is better that way , I don't want to lose friends boring them but they are also honest to say that too, she is history .

It was snowing here today too, been out walking, got some shopping, stopping looking at couples & you know brighter evening , it all helps to make us all a wee bit better, I think.

I hope to offer advice one day to many people on MN - knowing that from my D -Day weeks ago I am feeling better ( that could be the port I found she left b*h ) & that they will one day feel slightly better day by day , goodness when I started I could not eat now I can cook oven chips, beans, toast , even pasta ! And my son loves pasta so we're back on track ( with some derailments forecast ahead ) ...

WWK said about doing the dishes I believe ? Yep doing that not doing much else, but getting there & with MN , knowing I will get there. I do know we will have plenty of fellow travellers too , it is a journey lots will make after us and it is so so hard .

Hope this wakes u all up in bed sipping a nice warm cuppa . xxx . Drifting. .

Hi everybody - sorry haven't been around - I have kept up to date on your exploits and you all appear to be getting stronger.

I've had a serious wobble this week so I've kept a low profile. I think I finally hit rock bottom - walking along the street crying - feeling my heart is being ripped out every time I think of having to hand my children over to him and his pot noodle family.

In court next week so I've been told to be prepared to be ripped apart - can't wait - any more stress and I feel like I'll just spontaneously combust. Although obviously not in front of the children.

Still feel like screaming to the courts that I know my children better than they do but they are making life changing decisions for them. They haven't seen what he's done, how he's made us feel, how he's made us live over the years etc etc.

Hello Why, just read the update on your main thread. I have no advice to offer, but I just wanted you to know that I feel bloody angry on your behalf that this utter pile of shit is still twisting the knife. I wish him every possible ill.

Drifting, I'm pleased to hear that you and your son are feeling more positive, and that you won't actually starve! We are all encouraged by your progress, but don't feel that when you hit a rocky patch you can't pretend that you are ok.

Like WWK says, one day at a time, I know one day I'm upbeat, the next I will, crash the difference is, I don't chastise myself anymore, I just think ok, I'm having a bad day today and try to make the next one better.

Whyme, I'm so sorry you are having a hard time of it, like Izzie, says I am very angry on your behalf, the man is a cruel excuse for a human being, sending love and strength to you and your family.

i am just posting this as a record of what I am feeling right now

is my DH a complete BASTARD! - he chooses the day I have my op to send through details of finances-knowing that I will prob read today - no statements though just balances - and then has the F88888g cheek to say we need to sort finances asap. it was almost questionable yesterday whether they would do the op as my blood pressure was high - what the hell is it likely to be now - looks like hes still hinging on the house having to be sold as money he has borrowed from the company and another source has to be repaid in 6 months - what a complete C88T.

Green that is truly awful. I don't really have any words and hope someone wiser than me comes along soon but I just wanted to say we're here for you and you're in our thoughts.

Green that is heartless and dreadful. Good luck to him getting the house sold in six months when you're very poorly and still living in it. He'll have to take you to court to get an enforcement notice if he wants it they way he wants it...and you know how clogged up those courts are.

I realise that would undoubtedly put more stress on your door, but I'm just trying to show you that you have some power too. The finances can get sorted when you're feeling ready to sort them, otherwise, he'll have to do Form A and do it that way. Deal with things AS AND WHEN YOU feel able to, not before. You're the boss now in your home.

Whyme another very sad thread to read - you must feel so disheartened. Who has told you you will be ripped apart? It seems a poor choice of words to use on someone who is bereft, scared and vulnerable (not unreasonably so). Obviously DON'T scream but use the opportunity to calmly explain how your children are struggling to come to terms with the lone parent home, particularly the youngest. Sound like a woman who a thought-through plan, e.g. you're not saying that arrangements for staying should never be considered but should be worked up to, and stress the bed-wetting, night-terrors etc that your youngest is experiencing. Keep your words and your focus all on your little one and break your back not sounding 'vengeful' or 'spiteful'. This was the advice given to me that judges hate listening to our woes (and are easily irritated by the 'blame game') but find it refreshing listening to people who are thoughtful, considerate and optimistic. You can have some 'things you are concerned about' e.g. if there's a particular distressing behaviours he shows to the child/children e.g. shouting at them for simple misdemeanors, not ensuring they are washed/fed properly etc that you can mention, I'd have thought. He will be asked about your parenting...so he's in a damned place there (he left them with you to bring up remember?) if he entertains that question.

whyme I'm sorry you are so low. I remember a time when I was sobbing in the street and I didn't care what anyone thought of me. I know it doesn't mean much but it will pass. Someone posted a lovely quote about holding on to some light in these dark times, however small. Maybe a funny thing one of your children say or something positive they have achieved. Just hold on to whatever you can to get through.

As for court, I don't see how you would ever be 'ripped apart' as it's not about attributing blame but trying to come to a resolution. From my experience, what has happened in the past is of little concern (unless there are any risks of the children being in danger) and they want to see how things can progress - and that you are being reasonable. Have you thought about how you could see things working? I know it is the most horrendous thing having to hand your children over, believe me I do because I don't want him or her anywhere near them. But it is going to happen and I have found some peace when I accepted that. I don't like it one bit but I am determined to use the time I will have to myself to live my life to the fullest (and probably cry quite a lot to begin with).

No practical advice Green, some others know what they are talking about. But I'm very angry and sickened by his actions.

HiGreen, well yet again the man has shown his true colours, ((yellow= coward) and has decided to come up with a financial proposal just when you are least likely to be able to deal with it. What an utter bastard!

He cannot do this , he is just an evil manipulative bully, please look after yourself.

To one degree or another they all think they can control things.

And you don't need to be long on MN to know that they are wrong on that score.

I'm madly doing housework to work off a rage about another fucker whose dick belongs firmly on his head. And one day he will have a big note on his forehead too. It will say I was well and truly fucked by my ex wife

"Like most men who have an affair and leave wife and family, you are now controlling and spiteful. Does that somehow justify your decision to leave? Do you really have to heap more stuff onto me to create more unpleasantness so you can tell yourself you made the right decision? Knowing there is no way back?"

Sent to the inadequate apology for a human being whose name I took.