Still finding it hard to move on......

[Hobbitwife001]

Hello everyone, this is a continuation of my previous thread, so a big welcome to everyone who participated on that one, and hello to anyone new who would like to join in this one.

A little recap of my story, my husband of 27 years left four months ago for another woman that I considered a friend. We live in a small village, and he has moved in with her and her son around the corner from the family home.

I have two sons at home with me, they are 23 and 19, the youngest has Asperger's syndrome and dyspraxia.

I am having counselling to help me get over the massive shock of his betrayal, for months I couldn't sleep or eat very much and started to suffer panic attacks and anxiety.

At the moment I am at the nisi stage of our divorce, I have petitioned for unreasonable behaviour. I am now trying to get the best settlement I can before I apply for the absolute. Needless to say, he is trying not to provide any provision for my youngest son, and has put forward a 50/50 proposal for division of the assets.

So, let's carry on ladies shall we?

Just a quick note to say hello and I hope that you are taking it easy Green and are being well looked after by your family and friends.

Izzie - I hope you get the car situation sorted soon.

Hobbit - it's good to hear that you are having a nice time with your friends.

I've not posted much lately but have been reading all the updates. I've had a bit of a strange week - he has been really, really nice to me all week. It seems he had a big argument with OW last weekend and it seems that they are no longer in contact (for now). However rather than feeling happy about it, I have been feeling really sad. Sad for the person he has become - a 41 year old man chasing a girl 10 years younger than him, buying presents for her kids and lending her money. She has well and truly got everything she can out of him. And now, when he is starting to realise - it is too late. He has already lost the respect and love of those who would have supported him throughout anything...me and his kids who only wanted a little bit of his time....the sad thing is I don't think he will ever learn...

Well that's his lossStrong, isn't it? Too late to realise what a dickhead he has been, although I wouldn't bank on the 'no contact' lasting very long.
At least he has been decent to you and your children, it's a shame I even have to say that sentence but being 'decent ' seems a bit of a stretch for a lot of men, mine included.
I have to admit you're a better person than I am, i wouldn't feel sad for him at all, if my ex's ow stopped contact I'd be on the square with a loud hailer telling everyone what a stupid Middle aged fool he was. But then I'm obviously bitter and twisted. I can't wait for him to fall on his arse, I want him to feel the pain he caused me, feel the actual pain in your cheat, and the hollowness in your stomach.

Feel a bit low tonight, Ithink you might be able to tell! Don't know why really, maybe I'm just due a bit of a crash.

*that should read chest, not cheat, D'oh!

Right-o. I'll react.

I wrote this out earlier when I was in a ragy moment and in response to Izzie's post. I decided not to post it because, quite frankly, it's TMI. But fuck it, if I regret it in the morning, I can PM MNHQ.

Izzie Sounds like a balanced diet. I had boiled eggs and soldiers, followed up with some Doritos and cheese tomato salsa shit (home made!) Exciting times. Washing remains in washing machine...

I want a life! Just need to get divorced first. What's so irritating is that had he not been a controlling bastard and let me keep some (even just 20%) of the proceeds from the chattels I was selling, without it ALL going into the escrow account, I might have moved on in my life.

But no, that fucker, in one of my more ridiculous moments sent a decree via his solicitor to mine who forwarded it to me (costing both of us £50) to put...£50 in the escrow account.

It's just plain fucking nuts. That's what it is. Do you reckon he's a bit controlling?

Apparently not, says his barrister - he's a very reasonable, generous and kindly man.

I don't fucking agree.

I could have moved (as I intend to do) and settle down and get on with my life. But no he's so insistent on dictating my new life, that I have to ask a judge 'please, sir, can I live in this country?'. I'm British FFS!

Moreover I have to ask permission to move from the judge, even though it's not as if I'm wrenching the kids out of school and depriving the father of 'his rights'. And worse, worse, worse than that, the fucker has liquidated everything and run off with the cash. He's determined to get his own way, isn't he?

I am an adult. I cannot get my head around this very sad fact that I can chose to eat doritos instead of veg, I can chose to have sex with whomever I please should I please (so far, I have deprived myself - perhaps I'm not "pleasing").

I can swear in the appropriate places, but I'm not allowed to chose to live in MY OWN COUNTRY. I thought women had equal rights in this country but he can chose to runaway and do all this? But I have to ask 'please sir, can I live here?' as if I'm some kind of asylum seeker. I'm not - although I've worked with loads of refugees in my former job. I'm a decent human being FFS - not a bloody criminal.

This is the stuff of my nightmares and it's why I don't sleep at night. I shall miss the Aussie Open next week as it's helped me keep occupied this week. I've been feeling a bit maudlin this evening but I'm fucking fed up of it all now.

It's been a funny day really, I have a real confidence boost this morning thanks to something I can't write about, then felt really sad and lonely this evening for no other reason than the telly is crap and I live in the middle of nowhere.

And I'm getting divorced from a fuckwit.

AT night, when I can't sleep, I am currently reading "Puzzling people: the labyrinth of the psychopath" when I find myself sleepless in somewhere other than Seattle, with an empty half of the bed.

WWK. Who is having a bad divorce.

Hey, WWK, 'SNAP' :(

Why are we both low tonight? Maybe it's the shit weather, it's blowing a fucking gale in the arse end of nowhere, I might wake up in Kansas tomorrow!
Or maybe it's the shit husbands, yes DEFINATELY MAYBE.

Definitely we should blame the weather.

God help us blame the husband in our lives...

Hobbit - I hope you start feeling better soon - just remember, all the good things you have in your life - family and friends who love and care about you.

I agree with your comments and I'm sure they will be back in contact again in a few days. For now, all the arguments have stopped and I've stopped feeling angry - not sure if that is good or bad. Sometimes it is easier to deal with his nastiness than his kindness. He is taking the kids out tomorrow so at least he is making an effort with them.

I thought I would be angry but am just sad - hard to explain. He used to say to me that I would end up sad and lonely and now I realise I won't be like that - that will be him. The only reason she was paying him so much attention was because of his money and I am sure she will soon realise that she is missing this and they will be best mates once again. At least I don't have to pay people to spend time with me.

I was speaking to my counsellor the other day and I realised I don't want much - just someone who comes home and asks me how my day has been and helps DS with his homework.

I guess I need to be careful - I need to remind myself that he is the one who had 3 affairs during our relationship (1 resulting in another child) and that there will always be someone that he will use to hurt me with. At the end of the day - he cares about no-one really apart from himself and it doesn't matter who he is with because that will never change. I just can't let him hurt me anymore.

Thank you for the wise words as always xx

You are a lovely person Strong, a decent, kind, caring mother, and he is a total narcissist. At least he is out of your life now, (nearly) and you don't have to worry about another revelation coming at you. Good riddance , xx

Thank you for your support.

I wish I was sleepless in Seattle, WWK, at least it would be better than the windy arse end of nowhere!

Tee Hee! Windy arse end! What a child I am,

Yep! I'm with you on a 'fart free' future.

Still it would be better to be in Seattle. Last time I was there, BA lost my belongings.

I wrote a 'legendary' letter of complaint to the "service"

But all the same, it took months to resolve the differences.

And one had to manage the 'man' who couldn't find anything humorous 'bout it...

In the interim my life was made more comfortable...

by vouchers.

Apparently that escrow account...

Do you reckon he's got control issues?

No, my love, I reckon he's a knobhead! End of!

Hi all. When I read the the comments on here I am touched that people always remember each other. I am waiting on signed docs - OK so what is difficult is being honest ... in case ExW is watching .

I wanted to post to tell you all I am always reading but I feel son does not like me posting . OK he is older , but knows I use MN .... Been decorating though my goodness that is good ! Real good. Went to pub too earlier but yes did a wee bit of " ring " looking , you know ? How can they be happily married ? But as each weekend comes , I do feel better, it is her loss, because I feel better .

Post tomorrow. Son back ! . Thinking of everyone on our journey .

Morning all

I was in bed before 8 last night, mainly because one son wanted to bring over a friend and I didn't feel very sociable. Finished watching an episode of Broadchurch then gave in to my body and went to sleep. Not quite 12 hours. Was woken up by other son fainting. He has a virus.

Ironic how Hobbit and WWK had a crash last night. I was thinking that they go out socialising but I've not really done that yet. I'm not bothered about it at the moment really, but there was a bit of.....ummm......about that aspect.

WWK I hope you leave up your post. For those of us who have read your other posts on here, and on your own thread. I can't explain it except the following: You are in the most appalling of circumstances. You have been and continue to be incredibly strong in fighting the bastard who put you there. And it's a stark reminder to us that you really are not superwoman inside your own home. If that makes sense. Yes, the stuff of nightmares.

Drifting aka Secret Squirrel, glad to hear you're getting on with it.

Strong....here we go, I wondered when we would have an ex realising that his life isn't so sorted as he thought it was

Hobbit.....you're doing well, been out and about. Overall, making progress. And you still make me laugh

Green, thinking of you, as always. Hope you are superglued to that sofa. You seems to be getting some resolution inside you with your reading, or at least are heading that way. You're like me, I need to understand things. Then, having the answers, I can move on and away.

Iwas, I read a bit of your thread last night. The long reflection. I know, my love. And fully appreciate you have a hell of a lot to take on board there. Meantime, you're doing well returning to work. I struggled with that, it does get easier. It was a big step forward.

As for me, I'm feeling positive about NC, that email was the final straw. He really has moved over to the dark side. I learned something major yesterday. That is something I will PM about sometime.

Boiled eggs, WWK. That is the soundtrack, food wise, to my separation. I intend to progress to boiled egg and soldiers before I eat the last boiled egg of my life

I just want to acknowledge here that whilst we are all going through shit, there are some posters who are going through mega shit, the stuff of nightmares, as WWK put it. I may rant about my situation, but I don't for one minute think that my reality is even in the same league. I take my hat off to.

I take my hat off to you

WWK I think I would go for Disclosure and Due Diligence in the International Capital Markets just the right amount of irony and it should put a smile on the judge's face. Or maybe they never smile I will find out for myself soon. I have long thought that divorce should be simpler there's a lot wrong with the process. If one person wants to divorce that should be enough of a reason with no details needed and why can't there be some kind of calculator to work out what you each get like with tax credits. It could be done and dusted within a month.

I must admit I did think my own fuckwit was unique in his nastiness and deviousness in a couple of ways but seems not.

On the rare occasions my DS is with his dad I just eat soup. It's got meat and veg all ready prepared for you and cooks in two minutes. Very lazy. Trouble is I then snack on a load of rubbish. Over this whole divorce process I have gone from slim to chunky more times than I can remember I don't care any more I know the next stress will come soon and make me slim again.

Morning, Izzie, my love, I'm glad you had a restful night, I think you were due some quality sleep. I try to go out a lot and plan things with friends because I don't want to be in the house all the time, thinking my life is diminished because my husband is an unfaithful, lying, gaslighting twunt.

Tbh, we are much happier without him here, we can do what we want when we want, eat what we want when we want , < cheese mainly, he hated cheese>and there is no 'atmosphere' in the house, as there was when the master of the house was due home. You don't realise what you have had to put up with, until that 'thing' has been removed, peace now reigns in the Hobbit household.

I just need to sort my head out now, get rid of the feelings of rejection and low self esteem, and the actual 'how could he do this to me ' realisation.
We can all try and read about why they do this, but I feel that they do it because they CAN, their ego is flattered and a younger woman shaking a tail feather at a middle aged man is all it can take to rip a family apart. No amount of reading will take the pain away, understanding why they did it won't take the pain away. It is just time that will do that, and time seems to move so slowly when you are in this morass.

I don't see it as a competition Izzie, I doubt any of us do, so please don't think for one minute you can't feel sorry for yourself, be angry, ragey, tearful, crap, and fed up with your own circumstances. They are your feelings and it's okay to have them.

Yes, we'll kick you up the arse if you need it, but this is the place where you say 'Shit this is hard' and 'Shit, I'm hurting' and we all say 'yep' we know how that feels and try to find ways to stop the hurt and ease the hardship.

Tabby I agree that you shouldn't have to prove that you want a divorce by giving reasons - it just makes the whole thing much worse than it could be. Wanting not to be married anymore (as painful as all up dumpees are finding it) should be enough. The thing is it's easy to calculate a 50/50 split, the problem is 50/50 is not fair in all the circumstances and also it relies on both parties disclosing. My open offer is 50/50 split but now we're in front of the judge and we've got further disclosure we found out that my offer is less than 50%...The arse in my life, thinks he made a 'special contribution' to the marriage and therefore deserves more that 50%. I should point out I am not divorcing Richard Branson, Prince Phillip or Wayne Rooney.

Hi Tabby, crisps are a food group yeah? Thats what I live on, when I m not out gallivanting of course. So many flavours to choose from, and I love them all:)

Are you sure he is not of royal blood WWK?
He certainly acts like he is! (Entitled fuckwit)

Definitely not Hobbit. I do know his heritage though and I do know his father was jailed for being a fuckwit. I know the women in his family tree were always enterprising types, but I blame them for giving birth to their sons...

I am an idiot though for marrying the man. I should have listened to my gut instinct when I met him. Conmen are always charming, aren't they?

Hi Izzie, cooking schmooking, just like housework schmousework, Meh, they won't starve, or die from dust inhalation, you just look after yourself, they are big boys, they'll live . Eggs are good, so are bananas and yoghurt, in fact anything is better than just smoking! WWK I hope you're paying attention too! I'm glad I can still make you laugh, I hope to carry on doing that.
Big Hugs, xx

Oh, and I thought you should all know:

When I grow up, I've decided to become a psychopath.

So there!

That's why they are conmen my darling, otherwise they would just be men, and that wouldn't get them very far without the charm would it?