Still finding it hard to move on......

[Hobbitwife001]

Hello everyone, this is a continuation of my previous thread, so a big welcome to everyone who participated on that one, and hello to anyone new who would like to join in this one.

A little recap of my story, my husband of 27 years left four months ago for another woman that I considered a friend. We live in a small village, and he has moved in with her and her son around the corner from the family home.

I have two sons at home with me, they are 23 and 19, the youngest has Asperger's syndrome and dyspraxia.

I am having counselling to help me get over the massive shock of his betrayal, for months I couldn't sleep or eat very much and started to suffer panic attacks and anxiety.

At the moment I am at the nisi stage of our divorce, I have petitioned for unreasonable behaviour. I am now trying to get the best settlement I can before I apply for the absolute. Needless to say, he is trying not to provide any provision for my youngest son, and has put forward a 50/50 proposal for division of the assets.

So, let's carry on ladies shall we?

Oh yes loving those crisps here too.

I was thinking that this clever calculator thingy wouldn't necessarily be 50/50. You could feed in your form E, assets, earnings, who the DC live with etc and a clever computer would work it all out and if you lied that would be fraud just like tax credits. If you tried to feed in special contributions or bad behaviour (wild fabrications in my STBXHs case) it would say 'does not compute'. The section for 'seriously ill so cannot work even though I have worked full time for years' could only be completed by a doctor.

Nicotine....a wonderful substance for keeping the brain alert. Only takes a second to prepare, and you're ready to go. Also good for exercise and getting fresh air when at work. How can that not be good?

THEY won't starve? You don't actually think I used to cook for THEM.? Oh no, I'm like a dog in a butcher's shop when I think someone is considering cooking.

Actually are you sure we are not ALL divorcing Prince Charles, Richard Branson and Wayne Rooney all rolled into one? They think they rule things, they are creative accountants. And they are ugly fuckers

Hobbit, I agree with you about the atmosphere in the house. And the lack of routine unless we choose to have one.

Your self esteem, go check out the chump lady guide to survival after infidelity by Tracy Schorn, that may help. It lays the blame firmly at their door. None of this stuff about how it was somehow inevitable because you're female, Welsh, etc

How very dare you, young lady , :) ?

My stomach wishes it were Xmas every day. I cooked the Xmas dinner, turkey, trimmings and all, all by myself.

When I grow up I'm going to be......dining out a lot

Hobbit, I have curtains closed, am in dressing gown and last night's make up surrounded by a rather empty looking cigarette packet, an overflowing ashtray a cold cup of tea and a packet of choc digestives, plain choc at that!

Have I cracked it?

Well, I've done my bit of relaxing, am going to put on the painting gear and open some windows before my newly painted stuff turns iwas yellow.

Catch you all later xx

Have been for my walk and to the shop. I regularly make a casserole during the winter, a big batch of it which I freeze in tubs which lasts a few weeks. So it was going to be a productive day.

However, I've got all the vegetables and the meat for the casserole and it seems like too much hard work at the moment. Maybe this afternoon! I found some washing in the machine from yesterday which I'd totally forgotten about. So right now I'm sitting in a sunlit lounge watching the tennis. Still no snow here. pissed off

Still feeling extremely reflective. I feel the need to understand exactly how all of this has happened. How did I not realise what he was like in all that time and what he was doing behind my back. I don't understand how I got him so wrong. I wonder if I had been different would he still have done what he did, was it down to me. He defends himself by saying he didn't think I would find out that he was cheating on me. That to me says that he didn't see anything wrong with the cheating as long as he didn't get caught and thus hurt me and have consequences for him. But, I don't understand how he thought it was okay to cheat in the first place. Did he not think it was wrong.

He defends himself by saying he didn't think I would find out that he was cheating on me. That to me says that he didn't see anything wrong with the cheating as long as he didn't get caught and thus hurt me

That is the answer iwas. He has a different moral code to you. Some people have the same views as him. It is inconceivable to you because you will never understand that viewpoint. But what he said, that is the truth if it.

There is nothing you could have done, there is nobody that he could have had a relationship with, that could have changed that. It is a part of him.

I am epic failing today too - curtain still closed here, washing still in washing machine, washing up is more like an artistic display worthy of Tracy Emin.

On the plus, I am enjoying the Tennis in my undecreed home, think Andy Murray isn't enjoying it so much.

And I'm eating! Sausage and Tomato Omelette. It's is not worthy of Gordon Ramsey, but it's solid food so I'm definitely hitting the toddler stage.

I lied to the judge - I didn't lose 2.5 stone, I've lost 1lb short of 3. I can get my FDA acquired trousers on now without undoing the zip or button. Need a financial settlement as I need to buy some clothes.

Iwas he cheated because he is a cheater. Your brought your values to the marriage, he brought his. They were very different. Please don't blame yourself - your values are just fine.

morning all - am still stuck on the sofa - feeling a bit stir crazy though - & feeling a bit nrrrh today -think i need to try & get some air today.

Well - your choice of reading sounds like mine - my counsellor told me to stop reading these books and find something light hearted - not sure if its helping or torturing myself- but yes Izzie i need to understand it all before i can move on.

i seem to have been going over the whole 20yrs- i can remember saying to DH right at the start when we decided to get together -"if you muck me about ..."- we were both coming out of other relationships- what i would now know to be a red flag!- I am also wondering if my DH had been presented with an OW prior to now would he have been tempted - he certainly gravitates more to women than men and there have been a couple of instances where i can recollect having a "not sure this is right moment".
I certainly dont get the " i never thought I was the sort of person who would have an affair" - you either are or you are not and he has proved he is.

Family - i am with you on the happiness comes from inside - and yes you can only find true happiness with someone else once you are fully happy yourself - i read in the mars/venus books that women can fulfill themselves 90% and only need a man for 10% - not for much really then!

strong - totally get the "I dont want much" - it is all the small things that really make the difference not the grand gestures -

hobbit - do you think its cos another month has gone by - DH has been gone for 6 months now - and it feels like nothing has actually progressed - there has been lots of anguish on my part _ actually at the start of this i got my dd to record everything i was doing "new" on instagram - think i need to revisit this. still have the big things to sort ie house & school - kids need some certainty!

iwas - none of this is your fault - that book review i posted was partly in response to one of your posts - that it is the ability we have to care and show kindness that they are severly lacking and this is what is destroying them - they want to feel what we can but they can't - the only way they can "survive" is to destroy what threatens them the most - but what they dont get is that it is themselves that are the biggest threat. Iwas you are too strong to be destroyed by this - as are all the other women posting on here - we will all get through this.

drifting - glad you still seem to be doing ok - are you using the cd still?

why- hope you are ok too

not sure this health thing is good for me - body inactive & so brain going into overdrive -feel stuck in limbo all round right now - actually felt i wanted to burn the wedding album yesterday! need to find some distraction - something that feels totally separate to everything else going on right now - any ideas?

WWK you enjoy your epic fail. AKA rest and recuperation. 3 stone bloody hell! I would be tipping anorexia at that loss.

Tracey Emin, love it! We should all take photos and exhibit under the title "Impending Divorce"!

I'm in painting gear and last night's make up now. And as I'm feeling in a creative mood, I'm going to take a pic of my sink area for posterity. It will go with the printing out of this thread eventually. This is the start of my new life. A pile of shit in a newly painted kitchen that I did by myself. Yeah, can definitely spout some poetic stuff for the exhibition!

Iwas that's the kind of thing I find myself going over in my mind too. After a long marriage you feel so stupid that you didn't spot the signs. I kid myself that he had a personality change when he met OW but he probably didn't I was just too trusting as were you and that's not something you should be ashamed of.

I am having a productive day creating a beautiful organised folder of my documents for court. Not sure if they'll even be needed. Meanwhile he will squirm and make persuasive speeches to explain to he judge why it is completely impossible even after many months to obtain a single copy of any of his documents.

Green don't burn the wedding album. See the heartbreak New Year's Eve thread. I want my kids to know that we were happy once. Oh shit, that started me off. Bugger that, it's ok to mourn the past. The present, the recent past, that's a different matter

Izzie I thought he had the same moral code and values as me. That is something else I got wrong about him. I know some men think that it is okay to cheat, I didn't think my husband was one of those. I never thought he would be the type to cheat and if he ever did I thought he would feel really guilty about it, regret it and think it was a mistake. The reality was nothing like that, he was so guilty and ashamed that he regularly bragged about it to his mates. It is so far off the scale of acceptable behaviour that I just can't comprehend it. But I feel that I need to.

I realise now that it is a part of him, part of who he is. But I can't fathom how I didn't know, how I didn't realise that he had that side to him. How could he act so normal with me when he'd come home having been round OWs. Thank you.

WWK pleased it's not just me with the washing. Lots of washing up to do here too. I can't use the when the tennis has finished as an excuse to not do things now!

I've just had a bar of chocolate. I didn't eat that much early on, but since then I seem to have taken up comfort eating.

I thought he brought the same values as me to our marriage. Thank you, I just feel so naïve and stupid for not recognising him for what he is before. All that time and I didn't have a clue.

iwas - somewhere yesterday in my reading i read about "core beliefs"- that is exactly what well & izzie are saying - his set of beliefs are not the same as yours - same as my DH - thing is I thought we were the same too - same upbringing - same beliefs on most things - one thing that has tickled me though DH is extremely right wing - so much so that he has often wanted to get involved in politics - think OW more to the left - so should lead to some interesting debates - unless of course one or other or both are fakes!

Green think your counsellor is right in some ways, but part of the process is working out what made him him and what makes you you so that when you re-establish yourself independently, YOU know what you want, what's right for YOU, who you are, what you're prepared to tolerate, and what not to tolerate. So it does have to be considered and explored. You will find some answers in a book, but a lot of it from reflecting on things. The problem is our minds can deceive us sometimes, so we need something objective to assure ourselves we are not actually going mad nor are we bad.

And also, I find human behaviour genuinely fascinating, always have done.

Why didn't you burn the wedding album? Would you regret it in the future? I gave all the photos of me and him to him when I packed up his stuff. No regrets - he's fugly.

The thing I'm suffering with the most is that I find it so hard to concentrate for long periods at time so even reading, which I used to be avid about, is hard work.

Ideas for you? Have you signed up for any courses, e.g. night school - they get you out of the house, are fairly cheap. Spend the day researching something like that if you're housebound, perhaps? You don't have to sign up for anything. Perhaps plan a holiday?

Taken my pics now!

The day he left was the end of a number of nightmare years with her either actually in the background, or the memory there. So his leaving was some relief as well. I can remember it was no more than a fe weeks after he left and I went to the local retail park to get something. I was feeling shit. And then Happy by Pharrell Williams came on. And I remember feeling soooo lifted and happy. Realising that this was a new beginning for me. That's my soundtrack to my recovery.

Feeling upbeat!

Iwas it is a combination of his skill at cheating, and your trusting nature that enabled him to get away with it for so long. And if a woman cannot find it within herself to trust her husband, it either says she has experienced infidelity before, or she is suspicious by nature. It's not you, it's him

I hate that Happy song with a passion! Because one of my last memories of him is him dancing to it, and it's another song that has tortured me all summer and winter, when I was feeling so utterly overwhelmed and miserable.

So Izzie you are causing bunfights here now I think ...

iwas something else i read last week the difference between shame & guilt- my Dh thinks hes perfect - there is nothing wrong with him all the difficulties now are being caused by me- if they feel guilty they have to acknowledge what they have done - and would make amends - they are all to weak to do this - because their whole persona is built on something bigger than they actually are - what they feel is shame- deep shame - this is what triggered my DHs suicidal behaviour but was also a playing the victim,sympathy vote for people who really dont know him as well and to safegurad his professional reputation. when they feel shame they want to avoid & escape, hide or attack or blame others - exactly what are DHs are doing. given the choice between being too trusting or living with the shame - id chose trusting everytime because that is positive - shame can only be destructive.

Green pleased you are taking it easy. I hope everything went okay operation wise. I am sorry that you have had a rough time from him the last few days.

I did look at your link, thank you. I am fortunate(!) in some ways in that so far my husband hasn't really been nasty to me. Insensitive, unfeeling and inconsiderate yes. He's flared up once or twice, he was an idiot when I painted our bedroom yellow. He said he didn't want it yellow and it was "his fucking house", but then he apologised and even paid for the decorating. I paid for the furniture, but he paid for the rest. He's not trying to destroy me, he's just really hurt me with his behaviour and continued relationship with OW.

When I found out he was seeing OW again I badly wanted to cut up all his photos and if we didn't have children I think I would have done. But, I didn't think it was fair to them to do that so I put all the ones that I would have cut up in a box and my son put it in the loft.

I know what you mean about distraction, the constant thinking about it all the bloody time doesn't help. Analysing everything all the time, thinking about him with OW, what they're doing. I don't really have that many good ideas for you. Just keep busy would be the main one, but that is obviously a lot harder for you at the moment. I do like watching the repeats of Fawlty Towers that are regularly on, a bit of humour goes a long way at the moment.

Hope the painting goes well Izzie, yellow is nice...

well - i find people fascinating too -and also the brain- thats why im doing this counselling course - it was purely for personal interest but who knows what the grand plan is these days - but sometimes that is a bit too close to home to - think i need something completely off the wall - do any of you get this - something to completely throw me off track!

its funny about the songs - Paloma faith was my trigger - but they play it so often on the radio that it now does nothing - that must be the clue to all this - live and feel every damn emotion so that eventually they pass - guess thats what hobbit keeps saying - it will all pass in time

i have just made myself laugh - perhaps I am about to have a mid life crisis
reading my last post! - bloody hell i need to get out!

live and feel every damn emotion so that eventually they pass -

I've always believed that. It's worked before