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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I suspect I over reacted

225 replies

Vladimar · 25/01/2015 18:40

Briefly, a close relative passed away last week. I was very close to this person. That morning my long term partner (working away) texted from work and I replied with the news.

He texted back some condolences. I fully expected a call when he could but got no call, though he did text later to say he was there if I needed him.

We had a call 4 days later, I rang, and we chatted about other things. I started thinking after this how it was strange it was never mentioned and really reversed it imagining he had told me similar news, how i would have acted.

During a subsequent call I mentioned a phone call would have been the done thing and he accused me of trying to start a row, I was making him walk a tight rope etc and he couldn't believe I would guilt him.

Again, if this were reversed I imagine I would have said I'm so sorry, I'm an idiot! Sorry darling etc... Not asked the other person how dare they bring up their feelings!

Am I being precious?

OP posts:
happywanderingwithdog · 28/01/2015 21:03

Just elbowing in to say, yes, ok to dump this prick by text. If you have a conversation he is going to twist everything you say. dump and run.

Original poster
Vladimar · 28/01/2015 21:06

Cool. I hate feeling like an asshole but you're right.

OP posts:
PlumpingUpPartridge · 28/01/2015 21:12

Yes, it absolutely is. There's no way for him to misunderstand 'I do not want to be in a relationship with you any more. I am not going to engage with you any further, by telephone, email or in person. Please do not send any more texts as I will not read them. Vladimar.'

tribpot · 28/01/2015 21:22

Ordinarily, no, but nothing good can come of speaking to this circlejerker on the phone or (god forbid) in person. I would just reply as has been previously suggested - think we're better going our separate ways, no need to contact me again. Then block his numbers and focus on yourself for a while. You need to grieve and escape from this stifling psychodrama.

Original poster
Vladimar · 28/01/2015 21:27

Seems that circle jerk is currently a reddit term meaning people who just validate one another's points. Still...he used it totally wrong

OP posts:
Original poster
Vladimar · 28/01/2015 21:29

I do think it'll be way easier by text because I'm just avoiding a conversation.

OP posts:
iwashappy · 28/01/2015 21:43

I would normally say that it's not fair to end a relationship by text but as your thread started because he couldn't be bothered to ring you to support you when your relative passed away I would say it is perfectly fair to show him the same consideration he showed you and tell him by text. Tell him you reap what you sow if he doesn't like it.

I won't say thanks AF for educating me as to what a circle jerk is. Just gross.

tribpot · 28/01/2015 22:02

I really don't think circle jerk and mutual validation are the same thing - without wishing to dwell on it too long, presumably a circle is meant to consist of more than two jerkers, otherwise it's not very circular is it?!

Anyway, all that's irrelevant, except to confirm that he is a wanker - circular, straight line and various other geometric shapes besides.

Text is the right way in this case. So just do it. Then turn your phone off.

AnyFucker · 28/01/2015 22:10

yup, iwashappy, it's gross and so is this bloke

ScrambledSmegs · 28/01/2015 22:11

It would probably be much better for you to dump him by text, yes.

I was laughing quite a bit at his assertion that you were so used to being in relationships with psychos that you didn't know how to be with someone normal. Deluded arsewaffle.

ElsieArby · 28/01/2015 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Vladimar · 28/01/2015 22:37

God I am so with you on the small but significant grammatical errors...and guess what, he hates them to be pointed out. I mean, hates!!

OP posts:
ElsieArby · 28/01/2015 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 28/01/2015 22:43

Definitely text him. Never speak to him again.

anonacfr · 29/01/2015 08:28

After his last text quite frankly you don't owe him any consideration. "Fuck off" is too kind.

MariosYoshi · 29/01/2015 09:46

You have far more restraint than me, I would have lost my rag and sent a text telling him to feck off as soon as he tried to turn it around to being about him. He's a knob, you deserve more, a nice straight to the point 'I have lost a relative, if you can't understand why I would be upset by your lack of contacting me verbally to offer support than that says more about you as a person than it does me; as does your persistence in trying to argue with me constantly. I'm not engaging in a discussion with you anymore about it, don't contact me again as this really is not working for me.' Then block him.

And just so you know its not normal for him to not contact you, when my sister died, it was early hours of the morning, I text my friend of several years whom I hadn't physically seen or been in touch with for a fair few months (other than a couple of hi how are you messages here and there) at 4am with a text that simply read 'my sisters died'. She rang me immediately when she awoke and read the message, to offer her condolences and see if there was anything she could do, she also kept in touch over the next few weeks via text just asking how I was, did I want to chat etc. she took an hour off work to come to the funeral despite (I think) me not even having the opportunity to speak to her there (just nodded and smiled at her across the room). He's awful, you haven't done anything wrong at all.

Original poster
Vladimar · 29/01/2015 10:39

Yoshi I am so sorry to hear about your sister.

What you suggested as a response is perfect actually. This thread is helping me keep perspective. Every exchange with him has left me feeling as if I'm "using" my bereavement to have a go at him. Yesterday he said " these moods must stop" and I'm "choosing to make these problems".

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 29/01/2015 10:52

Vlad. Please stop engaging with this "man". Just block his number. Go completely NC. Not only is he not supporting you, he's actively undermining you. It is not helping you at all. Just block him. You will feel immense relief

PlumpingUpPartridge · 29/01/2015 10:59

Yoshi's response is very good. I suggest that you use it sooner rather than later though, as you can't carry on as you are now.

BitOutOfPractice · 29/01/2015 11:03

What's the point of sending a message. He will not agree with it. He will not suddenly see the light. He will just use it as another stick to beat the op up. Just go NC.

PlumpingUpPartridge · 29/01/2015 11:29

Bit But if she goes NC with no warning then there is a risk that he will keep on spamming her with increasingly angry messages, which is horrible and stressful because you dread what'll hit you when the phone is turned back on. If she sends a last text along Yoshi's lines and then goes NC, then he can't claim that he didn't know what was going on or what to expect. Well he can claim it, but he'd be inaccurate.

Vladimar, I think we all agree that you need to cease contact with this man in any case.

BitOutOfPractice · 29/01/2015 11:35

Plumping that's why I said she shuld just block him. It's easy to do on most phones now

SEnding that message is a sure fire way to start him off on a giant campaign of abuse.

Just block

Original poster
Vladimar · 29/01/2015 11:36

No texts today so I don't want to suddenly engage him. I think if I just blanked him he'd turn up so will go along the lines of Yoshi's message. Thanks for taking the time to write it. Sorry my input is short but I'm on my phone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vladimar · 29/01/2015 11:39

My phone will block easily, when I do that though I always worry I'm missing a message saying he will turn up. Block is still the way ahead though because when someone gets under your skin it's so hard not to enagage.

OP posts:
PlumpingUpPartridge · 29/01/2015 11:42

You know him best, Vlad poor you so go with whatever action you feel will achieve the best outcome.