I suspect I over reacted

[Vladimar]

Briefly, a close relative passed away last week. I was very close to this person. That morning my long term partner (working away) texted from work and I replied with the news.

He texted back some condolences. I fully expected a call when he could but got no call, though he did text later to say he was there if I needed him.

We had a call 4 days later, I rang, and we chatted about other things. I started thinking after this how it was strange it was never mentioned and really reversed it imagining he had told me similar news, how i would have acted.

During a subsequent call I mentioned a phone call would have been the done thing and he accused me of trying to start a row, I was making him walk a tight rope etc and he couldn't believe I would guilt him.

Again, if this were reversed I imagine I would have said I'm so sorry, I'm an idiot! Sorry darling etc... Not asked the other person how dare they bring up their feelings!

Am I being precious?

Thanks Partridge and Mr P!
It is about his subsequent reaction I think I could have handled it differently but still he hasn't bothered to call this evening so I guess he is still sulking.

Thanks Foxglove and RedHolly, good point. I have been thinking can't be bothered with him feeling disappointed in me! It's totally unimportant.

He's sulking. And simply cannot believe that you aren't rushing to pander to his mood.

I agree. And I know I'm banging on about this now, but when I called him on Friday, 4 days after, he said I'd offended him. I eventually got him to say what I had done and it was because I had "accused" him of ignoring the phone cos he said he hadn't picked up as he'd been watching a match.

I jokingly said oh so football's more important then, I get it! Much in the usual way I would in a piss taking way. We spoke for about 40 mins, mainly me speaking and him being pretty quiet.

So basically I rang him when he had been leaving me respectfully alone yet got angry from the 1st words out of my mouth, didn't ask me about how things were as I had offended him and then 2 days later he eventually comes out with this really feeble example of me being rude to him as an explanation of why he since hadn't been in touch.

I know that is extremely boring drivel but I'm putting it down there as I know I will reread it.

I'm very sorry for your loss and sorry that your DP has not been supportive. He should have called you straightaway, so I don't think you have over reacted and you are certainly not being precious.

I can understand that you don't want any more upset at the moment, but I don't understand why you apologised to him. He should be apologising to you not the other way around.

Any decent man would have rung you straightaway or as soon as was possible. To then kick off at you when you mentioned that you thought he should have rung you is the behaviour of a selfish, ignorant, self absorbed man.

I hope he realises just how much of an idiot he has been, says sorry and starts being supportive. But from your posts I am not that confident that he will. I hope you are okay.

Oh get rid of him, please! Who needs this shit? A grown adult who sulks- yuk yuk yuk

Let me get this straight. You lost a close relative and were understandably upset. Not only does he not ring you for FOUR DAYS (which I think is odd for a DP at the best of times!) but when you do call him, he doesn't pick up because he's watching football (and I say this as a massive football fan).

Vlad this man is a arsehole of the highest order. Please. Get rid. He is adding nothing at all to your life except grief

And that's not even to mention all of the arseholery since ie aggression, gas lighting, sulking, petulance and game playing. Gah!

The man is a total buffoon.

Wow. He really is training you not to bother him with your needs, isn't he? The gall of the man!

It gets worse. You're going through a particularly difficult time, and rather than accept he's in the wrong he criticises you and makes you feel even worse. That is not how normal people act. He is making it clear that your feelings mean a great deal less than 1. His feelings 2. His pride, 3. 5 minutes of his time 4. Football (FFS)
I think you know what you need to do. In the meantime is there anyone IRL who can give you the kindness and sympathy you deserve right now? Would you be able to take some time off and travel to your friends/family? It sounds like you could do with a hug

Thank you Goldfish. One of my work colleagues actually gave me a hug today and it was lovely.

Thanks everyone for your time, comments and condolences. Been busier than ever as little boy has mystery hives and sickness which I may well have to start a thread for advice.

Anyway, heard nothing yesterday at all and then a text this morning asking to see me at the weekend. I said no and now he wants to talk tonight. Really don't want to. This thread has been a massive help to me. The only thing I still doubt is that I should have taken at his word (text) saying he was there if I needed him etc but I know that me being needy shouldn't have lead to all that bollocks.

Believe it or not, this is him trying to win me back after the last break up which happened when he walked off a family holiday after I told him to stop being a moody bugger. Obviously he was mortally offended and went home.

Christ, what a manchild he is

Fuck him off and concentrate on your little boy who can legitimately accept and deserve your mothering

I can't even be arsed to talk to him in any capacity. Little lad asleep now.

I'm going to read through this thread again to see if I feel inspired to tell him to do one.

Bloody boring myself with my whining on this thread!! I'm not so dull in real life and also I am so un needy!! Feel sorry for the person he ends up with if they have any needs.

'I'm there if you need me' is the kind of generic message you would send to an acquaintance.
Of course you need him you have lost someone close and you are grieving!

You should not in a million years doubt yourself over such a crappy text.

It's basically his way of dismissing you and avoiding having to support you through a difficult time. He knows you are grieving you are far from family and have four children to deal with and he can't be fucked to pick up the phone to check on you? And when you call him he doesn't answer cos he watching a FOOTBALL GAME?????

Fuck that. The man is so selfish it beggars belief. You have to tip toe round his feelings when you need someone to help through your pain. Arsehole.

Vlad how are you doing? Staying strong I hope.

And you have not "been needy". A major trauma has happened in your life and you need love and support from your partner. That is a million miles different from "being needy"

Let me tell you a story. Last week my mom's best friend died. I'd known her all my life but losing her isn't even in the same league as your bereavment. I texted my BF to tell him. He immediately rang me to say how sorry he was, see how mom was and to generally be sympathetic. That evening he came round with flowers and hugs and we had a lovely chat about the lady who had died. He also texted my mom to say how sorry he was. My BF has never even met the woman who had passed away. And IMHO THAT is a normal and appropriate response to a partner who is upset.

You were not needy or unreasonable. Your "D"P was.

Anon, thanks for the support. And Bit, sorry to head about your friend. Your BF sounds great.

I am staying strong. Just had a bit of an emotional call as he rang me and kept pressing as to why I was being distant.

He went on about how me bringing up his actions of a few days ago is me "using the past against him" and if that was the case he had plenty against me.

Then said I was so used to being in relationships with psychos I didn't know how to be with someone normal. I must stop being moody with him and he has loads of friends who don't always pick fault with him like I do.

He doesn't want to walk an emotional tight rope etc. Told him to go away.

I would text him "after our last conversation it doesn't look like we're well suited. I wish you the best of luck finding someone in the future"

A nice unemotional fuck you.

Completely agree with annarose. There are some men who think that you have to have incontrovertible grounds for ending a relationship, and those grounds are always defined by them.

Believe it or not, you are allowed to just end a relationship because YOU feel that YOUR emotional needs are not being met. If they tell you that your needs should be being met by their current level of attention, then you have to choose whether to accept the scraps on offer (and, incidentally, never stand a chance of getting any extra support from them ever again) or to tell them (and yourself) that you don't agree and that you wish to find someone who's better suited to you.

I really, truly feel that you should be choosing option B.

Please, please get rid of him. I've just read through this thread hoping that
I was going to get to a post where you said you had gotten rid of him once and for all. He really is an arse. You don't need to waste headspace on him.

I second annarose's text