I suspect I over reacted

[Vladimar]

Briefly, a close relative passed away last week. I was very close to this person. That morning my long term partner (working away) texted from work and I replied with the news.

He texted back some condolences. I fully expected a call when he could but got no call, though he did text later to say he was there if I needed him.

We had a call 4 days later, I rang, and we chatted about other things. I started thinking after this how it was strange it was never mentioned and really reversed it imagining he had told me similar news, how i would have acted.

During a subsequent call I mentioned a phone call would have been the done thing and he accused me of trying to start a row, I was making him walk a tight rope etc and he couldn't believe I would guilt him.

Again, if this were reversed I imagine I would have said I'm so sorry, I'm an idiot! Sorry darling etc... Not asked the other person how dare they bring up their feelings!

Am I being precious?

And sorry for your loss Mrs Cosmo xxx

Vlad - sorry, didn't mean to be so harsh. I just cannot believe that you can feel that you should be in a relationship with someone who expects you to be upbeat and sexy when you've just lost a close relative.

I actually did wonder whether you might be a troll. Sorry, I can see that you aren't, but your reaction to him is so incomprehensible to me that I did wonder.

I really wouldn't give it any more headspace (I'm sure he isn't).

Fair enough, I see your point. I've never been accused of being a troll before. I was quite shocked!

I beg to differ, pompodd - I bet he's feeling quite hard done by and resentful because his recently bereaved partner isn't feeling as sexy and upbeat as usual

He might deign to forgive you though, vladimar, if you're very very fortunate. And if you actually want him to....

UsuallyLurking, this is just for you

Vlad, Popodd is not the only one to be rather puzzled by your thought processes on this thread

You seem to be in a huge amount of denial about quite how much of a twat your boyfriend is. And tbh, it looks like you just want to vent a bit about it but you fully intend to carry on being treated like a doormat by this headfucking moron

That can be rather difficult to read

You should be looking after yourself right now, not letting some egocentric little prick diminish you

if the cap fits......

< does a happy dance >

Cheers, UL, you've done me a favour. I finally figured out how to post a photograph.

He is recently disinclined to initiate communication as he thinks I have ground to make up.

I think you need to be disinclined to initiate communication on the grounds he is a self-obsessed fuckwit.

AnyFucker - I really think you need to start being clearer in your advice and letting us know where your really stand. Tell us what you really mean, for God's sake.

ya think, pompodd ?

I'll give it a go

Condolences on your loss Vladimir.

It takes a special kind of browbeating to get you into a position where he's been a complete and utter arse to you- his recently bereaved partner- yet you're scared to end the relationship because it seems unfair to own up to the fact that he's been a cruel and utter arse.

Vladimar - as the person who looked at the early part of the exchange from his (unempathetic, emotionally sub-functioning) pov, I do think the point he needed to have come round to your way of thinking was when you told him how you felt.

Also, I missed a page of posts on my phone - so I feel v guilty for giving an interpretation of his early responses.

And as you say " I think his reaction to my telling him that, his feeble reasoning that he hadn't liked my tone and even his reaction to my "apology" says more" . He is behaving like a pompous knob and only in it for the good times. And as for his passive aggressive non-texting games...that is not a 'partner'.

OP you're being gaslighted. And you probably have been for a while. But I'm going to post my first post again Be careful, this kind of crap can quickly leave you very demoralised. You're already questioning yourself because of his accusations.

Please, for the love of god, send him packing.

I'll keep you posted. No more communication so far and I don't intend starting any.

Hm it depends. If he's usually a thoughtless knob then I'd be annoyed. However sometimes my own DH seems not to be mentioning the very thing he knows I'm upset about. If this happens I cry and ask how he can be so callous not to ask about it immediately, and it's obvious that he is worried about saying the wrong thing / hurting me further.

I think initially it could easily have been a slightly socially inept partner who was scared to speak to you for fear of upsetting you further.

Subsequent conversations and texts lead me to believe the man is a total cock - I'm sure someone could dress it up as a disorder if necessary - total cock disorder of some sort.

I would have the "This isn't working for me" conversation sooner rather than later.

Good for you, vladimar. No matter what he tells you, you haven't done anything wrong here. Even if you have maybe (and I'm not saying this for certain) been a little less accepting of social lapses than usual, it's understandable. You've just lost someone dear to you FGS.

When my DM died, I snapped at DH about something. He remonstrated, mildly. I snapped 'I'm sorry that I'm snapping BUT MY MUM'S JUST DIED AND IT'S HARD TO TALK NORMALLY' and flounced off.

I came back later and apologised for stropping off. He said 'It's alright love, I know you're having a hard time. Thank you for apologising though.' We then proceeded as normal, insofar as it was possible.

^^That, IMO, is a normal interaction under conditions like this. Your dp is not giving you any leeway at all.

Thanks again Partridge, I am on my own too, miles from any family so it's not like he thought he was giving me some distance with my family or anything.

Actions speak louder than words, he said 'I'm here if you need me' but actually he wasn't available physically or emotionally. He just came out with an appropriate but meaningless cliché. Can't think what his job is that doesn't allow phone calls but he has time for lots of texts, but I'd have thought under the circumstances he could have got 'special permission' to phone you back straight away. Or at least said 'I'm on my lunch break / finish at x o'clock, do you want me to call you then?'.

He's a knob. As previous posters have said, you don't need a 'good excuse' to dump him, just tell him you're not getting what you need from the relationship & it's over. If you do it by text then he might call you back but probably not for a few days......

If you wanted to talk about it you should have. You should not think about what you would do in his position. You are different people with different minds and ways of dealing with stuff.

Have you read the whole thread, squareheadcut? This is more about his subsequent reactions than the original response.

You're welcome vladimar. By the way, I did just ask DH what he would have done in your DP's situation (I mean, initially, when you texted the sad news) and he said "Well I'd call you if you texted me something like that, of course; that's the normal human thing to do!"

So that's another male perspective, if you feel that's relevant.

Haven't read the whole thread, so this may already have been said.If so, apologies. In my experience though, men are very uncomfortable with others' grief. Especially if it's someone they love grieving. They want to "do something", take it away and of course, they can't. Sorry for your loss.

Also OP don't forget that people often say a bereavement helps them put things into perspective and reassess relationships. It sounds quite vague until it happens to you, and then you realise it's actually stuff like this that catalyses it.