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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I suspect I over reacted

225 replies

Vladimar · 25/01/2015 18:40

Briefly, a close relative passed away last week. I was very close to this person. That morning my long term partner (working away) texted from work and I replied with the news.

He texted back some condolences. I fully expected a call when he could but got no call, though he did text later to say he was there if I needed him.

We had a call 4 days later, I rang, and we chatted about other things. I started thinking after this how it was strange it was never mentioned and really reversed it imagining he had told me similar news, how i would have acted.

During a subsequent call I mentioned a phone call would have been the done thing and he accused me of trying to start a row, I was making him walk a tight rope etc and he couldn't believe I would guilt him.

Again, if this were reversed I imagine I would have said I'm so sorry, I'm an idiot! Sorry darling etc... Not asked the other person how dare they bring up their feelings!

Am I being precious?

OP posts:
Original poster
Vladimar · 26/01/2015 09:22

Last night I asked him..And why on earth would you not call someone the same day??? Why would I expect my partner to remain respectful and not contact me when I've lost someone I love? Is this 18th century Japan or something?

OP posts:
Original poster
Vladimar · 26/01/2015 09:24

And he said this...

I understand that. But it doesn't give you the right to lay into me. Youve deceided to think the worst of me and thats what the problem is. Im sorry I didn't react as you would of expected but I was there for you, trying to be considerate and respectful.

I would never use a bereavement to make you feel bad like you are to me.You have no right whatsoever to go on at me like you have. I wasn't disrespectful or uncaring. I really have nothing more to say.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vladimar · 26/01/2015 09:28

Sorry if this is tedious but I am gob smacked as it's just like an earlier poster said...lots of self righteous justification.

Also he has ramped it up from me having a tone and speaking "poorly" to apparently laying into him and ripping him apart!! Without being able to tell me what I actually said to offend him?

He texted me 1st thing to tell me I had used my bereavement to make him feel bad, he was disappointed and huge but he didn't want to get into a text argument and he was sorry I did!!!

So why bloody start it again?! That's why I'm posting here to avoid replying.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vladimar · 26/01/2015 09:29

Thanks holidays xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Vladimar · 26/01/2015 09:30

Hurt btw...not huge

OP posts:
SisterMerror · 26/01/2015 09:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Vladimar · 26/01/2015 09:45

Thanks sister x

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 26/01/2015 09:46

Honestly Vlad - he is a self absorbed twat.

Best thing you could do is just ignore. No answer is the best answer. Nothing you can say will drive him as insane as silence. Cut him out. He is only dragging you down at a time when you really need love and support around you Thanks

AnyFucker · 26/01/2015 09:47

He sounds like a twat in love with the sound of his own voice

they never make good partner material

Blu · 26/01/2015 09:47

So sorry about your family member.

And that you are now I this upsetting situation with your partner.

It sounds as if he thinks differently: problem solving.

He texted you back when you told him, He texted later to say he was there if you needed him. He probably expected you to take that at face value and that it was left that you would call if you wanted to talk about it.

You spoke 4 days later...you didn't say 'I'm feeling down...' or whatever and mention your bereavement.

Then the next time you mention it is not to say 'I'm feeling sad' or 'I miss my relative' but to ask him why he hasn't pro-actively asked him.

Then he got defensive ...instead of being a grown up and realising your distress and vulnerability. That is the point he should have done a 'thunk to self'.

Original poster
Vladimar · 26/01/2015 09:50

I think that's a fair summation, I did mention my loss on the phone but it was one sided. Apparently my tone was off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vladimar · 26/01/2015 09:52

I mentioned it in a logistics way I guess.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 26/01/2015 09:58

Honesty Bluu? You don't think it's odd that he wouldn't call or go and see his partner who has just lost someone very close for four days?!

Original poster
Vladimar · 26/01/2015 10:49

Anyway...to stop the whole pantomime I looked at it from Bluu's rationale (which is a good one and accepts he is emotionally stunted so he's not going to "get it") and I sent this;

I'm sorry. I appreciate you felt you were being respectful and I judged you against my own expectations and I'm apologising for making you feel bad. I'm looking at it from your perspective.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vladimar · 26/01/2015 10:52

So do you think he replied with, darling Vlad, no need to apologise. You must have had a shit week and I'm sorry if you think I let you down.

Or...Thanks its ok. Hope you have a good day

OP posts:
anonacfr · 26/01/2015 10:52

Honestly I am shocked you feel the need to apologise.

AnyFucker · 26/01/2015 10:55

You apologised ? Really ?

Oh dear. You have now confirmed to him you are willing to tolerate this kind of treatment.

Did you learn nothing from your thread ? Confused

paddlenorapaddle · 26/01/2015 11:07

I really hope he's great in bed with a huge bank balance and is Mary poppins with kids

I can't think why else you'd put up with this crap honestly who has the time for this shit

Original poster
Vladimar · 26/01/2015 11:11

Well I apologised to stop a day of crappy texts and to allow him the opportunity to do the same.

I didn't feel the need to apologise, more to see if he'd just got defensive or backed into a corner and defensive

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BitOutOfPractice · 26/01/2015 11:16

You could have stopped a day of crappy texts by not texting him back and turning your phone off Sad

And his reply is just the biggest load of self-absorbed, selfish, wankbadgery ever.

Vlad you need to wake up and smell the coffee here.

Original poster
Vladimar · 26/01/2015 11:16

No bank balance I'm aware of and no plans to snuggle under any duvets with him any time soon

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/01/2015 11:23

You apologised to stop a day of crappy texts ?

Get rid of him and stop a life of crappy treatment.

AnyFucker · 26/01/2015 11:24

He is making a mug of you, love

Original poster
Vladimar · 26/01/2015 12:10

Yep...I just don't want a petty argument on my mind to be honest and I really am a mug, that I know!!

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 26/01/2015 12:11

It's not a "petty argument" Vlad. It's your partner showing you what a dick he is.

Which he has now got away with. So he'll do it again