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Original poster

I suspect I over reacted

225 replies

Vladimar · 25/01/2015 18:40

Briefly, a close relative passed away last week. I was very close to this person. That morning my long term partner (working away) texted from work and I replied with the news.

He texted back some condolences. I fully expected a call when he could but got no call, though he did text later to say he was there if I needed him.

We had a call 4 days later, I rang, and we chatted about other things. I started thinking after this how it was strange it was never mentioned and really reversed it imagining he had told me similar news, how i would have acted.

During a subsequent call I mentioned a phone call would have been the done thing and he accused me of trying to start a row, I was making him walk a tight rope etc and he couldn't believe I would guilt him.

Again, if this were reversed I imagine I would have said I'm so sorry, I'm an idiot! Sorry darling etc... Not asked the other person how dare they bring up their feelings!

Am I being precious?

OP posts:
Original poster
Vladimar · 25/01/2015 22:28

crispyfern...that's exactly how I feel too

OP posts:
AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 25/01/2015 22:34

Are you going to keep him or chuck him?

GoldfishCrackers · 25/01/2015 22:43

If your partner won't comfort you when you're having a hard time, I can't see the point.

rootypig · 25/01/2015 23:45

I usually try not to weigh in with character assassinations on these threads but OP, he sounds like the most selfish, childish, unspeakable wanker.

A partner (I have been told) should make you feel loved, cared for, happy. Please tell him to sod off.

Original poster
Vladimar · 26/01/2015 00:42

He actually texted me a few minutes ago...

Im very disappointed you decided to think the worst of me, when I was there for you and have been consistantly. I'm sorry I didn't react as you had expected but I wasn't disrespectful or uncaring. You spoke to me very poorly and it was for no good reason whatsoever.

OP posts:
rootypig · 26/01/2015 00:52

His tone and language are to my mind, incredibly condescending.

rootypig · 26/01/2015 01:11

How do you feel about what he wrote?

Original poster
Vladimar · 26/01/2015 01:20

Think he's being an arse...

I was there for you. End of. Youve dismissed it and now are trying to make me feel terrible. And you were damn rude on the phone today and the other evening. Im not participating.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vladimar · 26/01/2015 01:23

I feel like a want to say why the hell would you argue with someone who just let you know it was a basic thing to pass on your condolences when you spoke, nevermind not even calling to do so. And me pointing that out is me speaking poorly to him?

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Original poster
Vladimar · 26/01/2015 01:34

It's mental isn't it?

Him contacting me to tell me I've hurt his feelings and he's very disappointed?

OP posts:
rootypig · 26/01/2015 01:40

Yes, it's mental. And I wouldn't waste my breath trying to explain it to him - you'll just be met with more self justifying shite that will enrage you. The best thing you can do for you is to just walk away.

passthewineplz · 26/01/2015 01:47

He maybe thought because you text him instead of calling to tell him about your relative, that you wasn't that upset. What ever his rationale he needs to grow up and understand its not all about him. How does he get on with your children?

Hope you're ok btw - is he going to the funereal with you?

passthewineplz · 26/01/2015 01:48

And you're not over reacting

Original poster
Vladimar · 26/01/2015 01:51

I feel as if I'm using my bereavement as some kind of stick to beat him with. . . What a stupid argument. Thanks for being there because I would probably have said sorry because he is making me feel like I've got it all wrong and he's the injured party.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vladimar · 26/01/2015 01:52

I texted not called because he was in work when I got the news and he can't pick up. He would know I was upset because I've been dreading this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vladimar · 26/01/2015 01:57

I'm ok thanks, and no he's not going. He said earlier he "offered to go". I said no thanks at the time as a kind of gut reaction when he said, I'll take the day off and go if you like because I was kind of thinking that goes without saying?? He's known this lady for 20 years!!

But because that was also by text, he hadn't called and that was 2 days later I felt like I didn't want him there. Although when I first got the news I felt like I really needed him. Very confusing sorry .

OP posts:
passthewineplz · 26/01/2015 02:02

I get the not calling thing if he's st work. How long have you been together? You both sound like you're keeping some distance from one another x

Original poster
Vladimar · 26/01/2015 02:09

About 3 years. He wanted me to have another child. I don't want anymore as I have 4. He left, then came back so I think he feels like he's got the high ground kind of thing. Like he's made sacrifices so he's not even going to do the basics.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 26/01/2015 02:22

Oh op I'm sorry for your loss

He is speaking to you like you're a naughty child who needs to get back in line. Not like he's your loving partner.

He's managed to make your bereavement all about him and his feelings hasn't he?

He doesn't sound like much of a partner to me tbh.

GallicIsCharlie · 26/01/2015 02:27

I am sorry for your loss, Vlad Flowers I hope you've been able to surround yourself with good, supportive people.

Your partner sounds like a bit of a wazzock, with a precariously high opinion of himself. I like gamer's characterisation of a "fair weather partner".

You might decide that's all you need, if your other support is strong, but I wouldn't recommend expecting him to pull any compassion out of his arse if things ever go wrong in your family. That said, your comment about his leaving & then coming back makes the relationship sound fairly unstable anyway. How secure are your finances, home, and so forth?

passthewineplz · 26/01/2015 02:32

Do you live together? I'm assuming not.

If you want him to go with you, you need to tell him.
To me it sounds like he's sulking for some reason, and wants to be the centre of attention

Does he get on/make the effort with your children? X

Original poster
Vladimar · 26/01/2015 07:54

We don't live together and he does make an effort with the kids, the younger ones especially but he tends to spend ages on his phone and doesn't interact as much as he should I think. Also sleeps very late whilst I am up, 5 hours before him.

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AnyFucker · 26/01/2015 08:05

He sounds more and more crap, th

I think you could do an awful lot better than this

you have 4 kids to wrangle...I wouldn't be spending the time and head space on managing Mr High and Mighty too

HellKitty · 26/01/2015 08:17

Oh tell him to fuck himself and concentrate on you and your family. My ex was a verbal attacker, any little thing and he'd come back twice as hard. You don't need another toddler, him. Don't engage in ping-pong.

Fwiw I lost DF after dating (now) DP for about 10 months. He was amazing to me and my DCs and DM.

Sorry for your loss.

ohtheholidays · 26/01/2015 08:23

Really sorry for your loss.He sounds dreadful I would honestly get rid before you've wasted any more years on him.

You said he knew this person for 20 years then you would of thought he'd be upset as well so he should understand where your coming from.