I suspect I over reacted

[Vladimar]

Briefly, a close relative passed away last week. I was very close to this person. That morning my long term partner (working away) texted from work and I replied with the news.

He texted back some condolences. I fully expected a call when he could but got no call, though he did text later to say he was there if I needed him.

We had a call 4 days later, I rang, and we chatted about other things. I started thinking after this how it was strange it was never mentioned and really reversed it imagining he had told me similar news, how i would have acted.

During a subsequent call I mentioned a phone call would have been the done thing and he accused me of trying to start a row, I was making him walk a tight rope etc and he couldn't believe I would guilt him.

Again, if this were reversed I imagine I would have said I'm so sorry, I'm an idiot! Sorry darling etc... Not asked the other person how dare they bring up their feelings!

Am I being precious?

I third annarose's text. Get rid of this oxygen theif, and get on with your life. Allow yourself time to grieve properly for your relative. Allow yourself to grieve for the loss of a relationship that should have been supportive. Keep coming back here for moral support and virtual hugs.

These are the current texts...

Answer and stop acting like it's the bloody Jeremy Kyle show. If you can't see what YOU are doing we're going to get nowhere. I have done nothing wrong other than not call and say the way YOU have been talking is off. This circlejerk stops now because I am not participating.

He is SUCH an arse its unbelieveable. And still going on about it.
please tell him to fuck right off (and he can be as offended about that as he likes)

Seriously type these words into your phone.

'Fuck off, you're dumped'

Then block the twat. .. life's too short man.

Text him back, say that you agree with him, you can't see what you are doing wrong and that the relationship is going nowhere. Ask him not to contact you again and wish him well in the future.

The fact that he (completely inappropriately, to me) used the word 'circlejerk' sets off giant alarm bells for me as to what dark breeding grounds of misogyny he hangs around in on the internet.

I'm not sure I've ever seen someone who used that word inappropriately be anything other than a deluded prick who's at least spent some time socialising with people who buy into PUA/MRA/TheRedPill stuff. It fits, too. He's either completely deluded as to what a real relationship involves or he's gaslighting you.

I hate that word too, guessing he means we're both sticking to our own corners being wankers???
...because he thinks I have no valid point and I'm only speaking out about his lack of kindness in order to get at him. Not because I actually have any feelings.

Christ, this man sounds really creepy now

circle jerk ?

he's been watching too much woman-hating porn

are you going to do anything about this,Vladimir or is your thread an exercise into how many inventive insults respondents can come up with in response to every new sound bite you produce for our outrage ?

No it isn't an exercise. And I'm not "producing sound bites" I'm actually feeling a bit too vulnerable to go through a break up right at this moment. Sorry if there is no time responsive outcome, but it sounds as if you think I'm here for the attention. I'm posting because I have no RL friend I can say oh my god he's being such an A hole, so I thought it would be ok to do it here since no one is forced to read or respond.

Dear Vladimir firstly I am very sorry for your loss. You must be so raw.

Your partner's words about him being "sorry" for not reacting the way you expected, is shabby.

If he was half a human being, he would know you are emotionally as low as can be, and he should be saying to you that he was sorry not to be there in the way you need him at the time you need him.

Anything less than that, and IMO he has a heart of granite.

I don't want to derail the OP's thread but what does the expression circle jerk mean? I have never heard it before or seen it written anywhere?

You are "vulnerable" because 1) you have been bereaved and the one person who should be able to rely on is a prick and 2) your boyfriend is a prick

get rid of the prick and your outlook will improve immeasurably

deciding you deserve better than this and ending it cleanly will do marvellous things for your self respect

and that is priceless

Thank you daisy chain for your time and your kind words and I don't know why it's helpful for me to keep posting but it has been.

circle jerks are where men stand around in a group masturbating, often finishing it off nicely by collectively ejaculating over the face of a woman pretending to writhe around in ecstacy

grim

Any man using such a vile term of reference to shut someone down doesn't deserve to be in a relationship

Oh dear, thank goodness I didn't google it.

Any decent man would appreciate its normal to appreciate somebody coping with bereavement will be hurting and would want to find out how they are and want to support them through.

He can't see that and instead prefers to keeping kicking you when you are down, rather than trying to lift you up.

I wouldn't wish that treatment on anyone.

I thought circle jerk was something completely different. MN is nothing if not educational.

I have been in at least two relationships with men like this. They chip away at your self-esteem until you feel you aren't strong enough to stand up to them. You are plenty strong enough. Take back control of your life and get rid. It will hurt for a little while, but when you don't have someone picking on you all the time, you may be surprised how quickly you feel stronger and more in control.

Want to feel less vulnerable? Send annas text. Then don't talk to him at all.

This continued twattery is clearly making you more vulnerable.

By the way, I think you are currently dating a psycho.

Based on your past experience of abusive relationships, do you think things will get better or worse? Easier to dump sooner or later?

Thanks...I have been standing up to him, but because he immediately takes anything I say and turns it round I'm always left with the nagging doubt I've been unfair to him. Even though I know I haven't, if you see what I mean.

Well I did dump the last psychos and it took years of stalking and restraining orders so I'm actually wondering if some psychological hangover is making me feel safer not dumping, or making it feel less exhausting a prospect right now.

Would it not feel good just to opt out of these circular conversations? Would it not feel good to think you never had to take part in one again?

Psycho singular not plural

Is it ok to dump via text??

When they go on like that it is.