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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I suspect I over reacted

225 replies

Vladimar · 25/01/2015 18:40

Briefly, a close relative passed away last week. I was very close to this person. That morning my long term partner (working away) texted from work and I replied with the news.

He texted back some condolences. I fully expected a call when he could but got no call, though he did text later to say he was there if I needed him.

We had a call 4 days later, I rang, and we chatted about other things. I started thinking after this how it was strange it was never mentioned and really reversed it imagining he had told me similar news, how i would have acted.

During a subsequent call I mentioned a phone call would have been the done thing and he accused me of trying to start a row, I was making him walk a tight rope etc and he couldn't believe I would guilt him.

Again, if this were reversed I imagine I would have said I'm so sorry, I'm an idiot! Sorry darling etc... Not asked the other person how dare they bring up their feelings!

Am I being precious?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/01/2015 12:14

Prepare yourself for more of the same. Your choice if you prefer this to a relationship with a proper grown up.

ScrambledSmegs · 26/01/2015 12:18

Oh for crying out loud. Please just bin him? He's making your bereavement all about him. What a twat.

Original poster
Vladimar · 26/01/2015 12:19

I'm not going to just chit chat with him. I do know he's acted badly. If anything I've got a handy excuse to end it.

OP posts:
ScrambledSmegs · 26/01/2015 12:19

Also, what I should have said first - I'm really sorry for your loss.

Thanks
AnyFucker · 26/01/2015 12:33

You don't need an "excuse" to end it

Original poster
Vladimar · 26/01/2015 12:39

Thanks smeggs and I don't need an excuse that's true. Actually it would probably be shitty of me to use that reason.

OP posts:
pompodd · 26/01/2015 12:45

OP, I'm a man and I'm shocked by his behaviour (and yours to be honest).

I just don't follow your logic - why would it be shitty to use "that reason" to end such a crap relationship (recognising that you don't need a reason in the first place)? It's clear that this bloke is a bit of a waste of space. Your instincts, though, seem to be awry. You started the thread by saying that you suspected you were being "precious" and had over-reacted. Everyone on the thread said it was him being unreasonable. But you still get to a position where you are apologising to him!

Really sorry for your loss. I hope you get rid of this loser.

Original poster
Vladimar · 26/01/2015 12:49

I mean I could just end it without throwing that at him. And thanks for your thoughts everyone.

OP posts:
MrsCosmopilite · 26/01/2015 13:11

sorry for your loss, Vlad

I have just lost a relative and whilst I'm phoning round the relevant bodies to advise them, very few offer condolences - most say 'Oh, okay, what you need to do is....'
I pulled someone up on it and she said they're "not allowed" to say they're sorry "in case it causes distress".
Sounds as though your DP is as economical with his emotions as these folks.

I'd have sent a text to say 'I'm sorry'. When he replied I'd have said, 'No, I'm sorry you're such a self-centred arsewipe. Your stuff is packed and on the doorstep. Please do not contact me again.'

paulapantsdown · 26/01/2015 13:20

Sorry for your loss.

To not offer comfort to someone you care for, be it a lover, a neighbour or a friend, when they have been bereaved, is just inhuman and cold.

I could not be with a man like that. At least now you have seen him for the kind of person he is and you can get rid without thinking you may have done the wrong thing.

As MrsCosmo says, some people are funny about death, and don't know the proper compassionate way to communicate. This doesn't mean you have to tolerate it.

PlumpingUpPartridge · 26/01/2015 13:24

I am astounded that you apologised.

Im very disappointed you decided to think the worst of me when you were actually justified in doing so!!!

Is this relationship better than no relationship, op? Really?

Original poster
Vladimar · 26/01/2015 13:53

Thank you Cosmo, Paula and Partrdige.

I think I felt a bit harsh for not taking him at his word (text) saying he was there if I needed him. I did feel let down.

I think his reaction to my telling him that, his feeble reasoning that he hadn't liked my tone and even his reaction to my "apology" says more.

OP posts:
UsuallyLurking1 · 26/01/2015 14:00

Erm, I think you are being a touch precious although I do get that the most annoying part is his reaction to your reaction if that makes sense. Definitely insensitive on his part, but he did do the "I'm here if you need me" text

That might have been 'not sure if you want to speak about it so I won't bring it up myself'

Although it was probably 'oh no, emotions, I'm not very good at this, maybe I'll stay at arms length and see if DP can manage through without me'

Doesn't make it better, but perhaps just insensitive rather than heartless.

The irony of someone claiming to be the least precious person in the world but advocating leaving someone over this and much more trivial matters......Confused

Original poster
Vladimar · 26/01/2015 14:19

Just to get some insight into this perspective, what do you reckon to his response to my apology when I said I recognise his point of view, as that which you just described?

OP posts:
UsuallyLurking1 · 26/01/2015 14:30

Sorry might have posted without seeing page 3 (tis moving fast this thread!)

He's being overdramatic and is being a bit guilty of making it about him now. You more than met him halfway and he should have snapped your hand off for the apology.

Only slight question I would ask to that is is there a history of this sort of thing? (I.e. Him thinking he's being supporting over something but you disagreeing) This sounds like just the sort of disagreement my and DP have from time to time and it's often not about the point at hand.
Trying to think of an example that makes my point clearer, but struggling, will keep thinking!

Original poster
Vladimar · 26/01/2015 14:35

He tends to want me to be upbeat and sexy to be honest, whatever the circumstances.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vladimar · 26/01/2015 14:38

Also he since chit chatted and I didn't reply, then he said "unbelievable! I'm turning my phone off for the rest of the day"

So I guess he really thinks I should have been doing cartwheels because he accepted my apology.

OP posts:
pompodd · 26/01/2015 14:39

OP, this was the exchange, right?

^You: I'm sorry. I appreciate you felt you were being respectful and I judged you against my own expectations and I'm apologising for making you feel bad. I'm looking at it from your perspective.

Him: Thanks its ok. Hope you have a good day^

If you had been in the wrong then I'd have thought he was being quite gracious, accepting your apology then moving on and trying to draw a line under it (I'd have been disappointed with his failure to add an apostrophe in "its", but hey, I'm a pedant) Grin

But as you're not in the wrong I'm afraid that he probably sees your apology as confirmation that he can treat you as a doormat because you will put up with it. If an apology were necessary between me and DW I'd expect it to be done, ideally, face to face but failing that at least over the phone. He knows he can get away with a few words in a text, so he does.

pompodd · 26/01/2015 14:42

He tends to want me to be upbeat and sexy to be honest, whatever the circumstances.

Right......

Either you're a wind up merchant or you really cannot see the wood for the trees - he expects you to be upbeat and sexy despite the recent loss of a close relative?? Confused

Original poster
Vladimar · 26/01/2015 14:44

How the hell am I a wind up merchant? Are you saying I'm a troll?

OP posts:
Original poster
Vladimar · 26/01/2015 14:45

I mean he's probably disinclined to communicate if the circumstances mean I am anything other.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vladimar · 26/01/2015 14:46

Whether that's because he's uncaring or uncomfortable with emotion or both, I have no idea.

OP posts:
PlumpingUpPartridge · 26/01/2015 14:46

He's a twat, op. You've lost a close relative and you're clearly going to be upset, but he is making it all about him.

He tends to want me to be upbeat and sexy to be honest, whatever the circumstances.

^^This is not a positive thing. He wants you to show no negative emotion? Show him some proper joy on the day you tell him to fuck off.

Original poster
Vladimar · 26/01/2015 14:49

And the underlying issue is he feels he puts more into the relationship than me and bangs on about it.

He is recently disinclined to initiate communication as he thinks I have ground to make up.

So I think he feels pisses off that I criticised him for not calling.

In these circumstances I think he should have put his grievances aside even if he feels they are justified.

OP posts:
PlumpingUpPartridge · 26/01/2015 14:53

He thinks you should be crawling to him. You do not think you need to crawl. He's pissed off at this and acting even more like a spoilt brat.

Seriously, any ADULT who plays these sort of babyish petty games is not worth keeping in your life.