Not even REFUGE WILL HAVE ME

[Happyandsimple]

i AM SO UPSET,.

those who have been following my story knows that refuge was the last thing i would have looked into going to with the situation how things are. but .. i got desperate/

rang them today at work. told them the 3 things that have happened ( didnt go into the emotional abuse etc) now i havent told anyone these 3 things. not even you guys as i was so ashamed to admit them. and blocked it out. as i didnt know what it a was.

Il tell you 2.

when my son was 2 weeks old. i told him i want him to wake up atleast once with me as it was me doing everything as i was breastfeeding n looking after the other baby when she woke up. he said fine wake me when he needs nappy change. i said his name a few times he didnt wake so i tapped his arm , he woke up turned over from the other way he was facing and hit my arm while i was holding my son. he said it was reflex from me tapping him. it really hurt.

second time. he knows i have a bad back. we were sat on the floor he was sat behind me , i asked him to help me up so he used his foot to put preasure and push me up on my tail bone. it was very hard. he said sorry once then i proceeded to tell him even if ur joking u cant be so rough , he got angry and said whatever ive told u sorry " so as if one sorry should be enough i shouldnt have the nerve to be upset after that point.

anyway this is all irrelevent. i went to my mums last night at 11:30pm got in the car took the kids. and went to my mums i couldnt believe it. ( we cant stay at my mums as she is not well.and due to even if she gets a cold she could end up in hosp cant be arrround the kids to much.

so i went to work today and rang told them i work 50 hours a week and study but i pay all nursery say one job i earn 600 pound nursery 900quid for 2 kids. yet i still give husband money to bail him out of debths to by his car. i have not much.. maybe enough for one lot of rent right now. all these hours im working while husband works 4 days a week. and i have nothing to show for it .

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I CANT EVEN GO TO REFUGE BECAUSE IT WILL CHARGE ME 350 A WEEK! A WEEK!!!! because the money i earn should be enough to cover that. thats why im in this mess because he takes it all willingly i give it to him because im a moron. no wonder hes laughing when i say im leaving. I REALLY HAVE NO WERE TO GO NOW. AND NOT EVEN REFUGE AS A LAST RESORT. NOW BACK HOME I GO. LADIES I TRIED. ATLEAST I TRIED .

im sat at work actually shaking.

oh goodness im certianly not an inspiration lol. thank you so much, can i still come back to this thread? i have a long way to go, and i will have my weak days when i need someone to say " SHURRUP silly suasage! you are not staying lol" I am doing this all so quickly before my mind has time to stop and think to much. MY HOUse wow.- LET ME DO my crap maths lol is worth .. MN redacted figures at request of OP
i almost fell out my chair. my husband undermined everything i said. I say we have a new boiler he says " do we" ( he knows full well we do) and other things and the man says " for someone whos so orgonized ive never seen anything like it" ( as in i didnt seem to know anything) but when he met me on my own ( when i arranged this. i knew everything down to a tee, but everything i said he disputed.. the man goes " what do you think of the price" he says " not bad" .. he said why not bad? " i thought it would be worth less than that" - who says that? - then my husban pretends hes lost id and the man says no worries i only need your wifes id to put it on the market HA! ( they will need his id when exchanging) he was pacing up and down the room. as soon as he left he gave me a long list of reasons why it isnt worth that price. " this needs fixing" this and this and this . its like shut up will yOU! ive never realised. all these little things , i do sometimes. but he thinks hes smart. I will be here for all the viewings. my husband tells him " oh il be here every single day as i work nights. " the man says why your hard core staying awake " he says yes i know i can stay awake for days" whatever he will be fast asleep when someone knocks on the door, or he will make the place a dump so no one wants it. or fill there ear with lies. luckily the man said no thats fine i need the key and il show them round myself

next step. to keep finding a house. and get him to find his own place. it apears when he said " give me the details for the bedshare" looks like he was just doing tht to make me feel " aww hes really trying" as he hasnt looked at it since lol

keep declutering.

I am also doing that thing were if you loose copacity my mum will be responsible for everything ( just incase) as i really want to make sure everythings sorted.

Im going to do a will too?

I am also going to tell uni thanks so much :)

Ah, I understand better what the current situation is. I wish I could have seen that estate agent visit! stbxh was actually on the back foot wasn't he? Ha! You're a hidden gem with a Boaudicca temperament. Once stirred there's no getting YOU back in the cage!

And of course keep coming here! There's still a long road ahead and battles to be won by you.

thank you tipsy. my manager said she needs to know my situation to better support. me wish i didnt tell her.. "ERM.. SOO did he hit ya?" ..no he didnt.. she says " me and my husband fight all the time and its not abuse. when we were arguing over whos gonna clean the kitchen he wound me up so much that i took that thing out of the oven that you cook chips with and hit him with it uses both hands to show how bUt thats not abuse, the kids were upstairs, and he through something at me, but thats not abuse, dont you think you should think about it first?.. " ITS OKAY i still believe in my choice to leave. but making out like im just being silly

She said whaaaat???? OMG - are people mad?

You are not mad Happyandsimple but doesn't it make you wonder wtf??

Ahh happy lots of people don't understand abuse or they need to minimise it for their own comfort - your boss can't see your situation as abusive because it shines a light on her own. She's wrong obviously.

Hello Happy

I believe in UK

You are allowed time off work for emergencies for immediate family eg children, parents

When you moved out of your home, this I assume would class as this, it should be in your work terms and conditions

I dont think you need to tell your employer all the details, just that you needed time off as a family emergency occurred

Stay strong

I would still suggest talking to the confidential counsellor at the University, especially if your studies may start to suffer during this time.

Good luck, you are making good progress

FPuss

Yes please do come back any time Happy, we'll always be here for you :)

Grrr silly manager, just goes to show how normalised it is in lots of circles, no wonder it's hard to leave. You're doing fabulously.

Hi Happy. I'd been lurking on this thread and then lost it, and found it just now on my watch list. I just want to tell you how fab you are!

Hope you're OK.

Keep going happy. You're right. Your boss doesn't know the exact situation, but she will see the effect when, 6 or 9 months down the line, you are a happier, more relaxed person without this deadweight destroying your pleasure in life.

I didn't see that thing back in January where the boss hit her husband with the oven tray "and that's not abuse" - well she would say that, wouldn't she? I suppose some people are happy to live like that but they really can't go around wishing it on others.

Hi everyone, I thought i would come back to say that i stuck to my guns and he still is not living here. it has been very hard.. and i feel i need abit of support.. i have no regrets but it has been very hard, thank you everyone. i really didnt imagine id ever leave him to be honest. it was so overwhelming.
my worry has started again with this pending surgery coming up next month (nephrectomy)(Kidney removal) He has started becoming abit unbearable to be around.. but i find my self accepting it because i know i need him when im recovering etc

Glad to hear that he's not there.

The surgery must be very difficult. Is there no one else who can help? It is the perfect opportunity for him to worm his way back in.

But best of luck with it, it sounds a major operation. Take care.

Whose house do you live in? Why haven't you asked him to move out? If your kids are under five give up your job and go on benefits so you can go to the refuge. You can resign when you have kids under 5 and not be penalised. If it gets you away from the prick that's the way to do it