Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not even REFUGE WILL HAVE ME

189 replies

Happyandsimple · 29/12/2014 15:19

i AM SO UPSET,.

those who have been following my story knows that refuge was the last thing i would have looked into going to with the situation how things are. but .. i got desperate/

rang them today at work. told them the 3 things that have happened ( didnt go into the emotional abuse etc) now i havent told anyone these 3 things. not even you guys as i was so ashamed to admit them. and blocked it out. as i didnt know what it a was.

Il tell you 2.

when my son was 2 weeks old. i told him i want him to wake up atleast once with me as it was me doing everything as i was breastfeeding n looking after the other baby when she woke up. he said fine wake me when he needs nappy change. i said his name a few times he didnt wake so i tapped his arm , he woke up turned over from the other way he was facing and hit my arm while i was holding my son. he said it was reflex from me tapping him. it really hurt.

second time. he knows i have a bad back. we were sat on the floor he was sat behind me , i asked him to help me up so he used his foot to put preasure and push me up on my tail bone. it was very hard. he said sorry once then i proceeded to tell him even if ur joking u cant be so rough , he got angry and said whatever ive told u sorry " so as if one sorry should be enough i shouldnt have the nerve to be upset after that point.

anyway this is all irrelevent. i went to my mums last night at 11:30pm got in the car took the kids. and went to my mums i couldnt believe it. ( we cant stay at my mums as she is not well.and due to even if she gets a cold she could end up in hosp cant be arrround the kids to much.

so i went to work today and rang told them i work 50 hours a week and study but i pay all nursery say one job i earn 600 pound nursery 900quid for 2 kids. yet i still give husband money to bail him out of debths to by his car. i have not much.. maybe enough for one lot of rent right now. all these hours im working while husband works 4 days a week. and i have nothing to show for it .

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I CANT EVEN GO TO REFUGE BECAUSE IT WILL CHARGE ME 350 A WEEK! A WEEK!!!! because the money i earn should be enough to cover that. thats why im in this mess because he takes it all willingly i give it to him because im a moron. no wonder hes laughing when i say im leaving. I REALLY HAVE NO WERE TO GO NOW. AND NOT EVEN REFUGE AS A LAST RESORT. NOW BACK HOME I GO. LADIES I TRIED. ATLEAST I TRIED .

im sat at work actually shaking.

OP posts:
Original poster
Happyandsimple · 29/12/2014 21:01

I undertand the idea of a refuge. Ive stayed in one twice as a kid , i get the idea. on re thinking. none of this will benifit me. no police . i feel so helpless. im gonna get those books on the ebook thing. il keep trying to save. but lets be real. it will take me forever to save enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
Happyandsimple · 29/12/2014 21:02

unlesss i can find a third job , like transcribing or something online , i barely see the kids as it is with my hours of working but il try

OP posts:
emm0371 · 29/12/2014 21:14

I live in a refuge and have done for 7 months. I can perhaps shed some light on what to do, what you get and have to pay. Who to speak to and generally how to stay safe and sane.

fluffapuss · 29/12/2014 21:15

hello happy

Could you sofa surf/sleeping bags at your mums house, with your children until you have saved enough money to move to another house ?
or
ask a female friend if you can at their house ?

Stop giving this man any more of your money !
or
look internet, some people who now pay the money for the extra bedroom tax may want to rent a room

I know nurses who worked night shift who rented out their house/room too

Good luck and do not give up ! x

Mulderandskully · 29/12/2014 21:19

I apologise if I've missed this, but do you need the refuge for the services it's designed to provide? (Put simply, protecting you and your DCs from your ex's abuse?) what I'm not sure about is what you feel the danger will be from him after you leave.

As I say Apols if missed. Because if it's not so much about danger, but more that it will be crap and difficult to leave (I'm sure it will be) then surely you'd be better off just moving out (ideally getting him out!) rather than a hostel at all?

I hate to say it but they are generally extremely unpleasant places, not somewhere you want to be / want your children to live unless you absolutely have to. They do wonderful work but by their nature they deal with very unpleasant situations.

Dragonfly71 · 29/12/2014 21:21

Happy, it sounds as though a refuge isn't the right option because you need to follow the same routines, attend work, care for your mum, and go to places he will know etc. Sorry, I didnt realise that. Therefore you need some really good support to plan an escape from the relationship whilst staying in area. Has womens aid reccomended a domestic abuse outreach service near you? It doesn't have to be police. They have a directory of all the services in the UK. Some will be charities, some local authority depending on where you live. Don't give up, no one should have to stay in an abusive relationship. An outreach service is to guide women through this. So sorry you have had to go back.

Quitelikely · 29/12/2014 21:48

If you go to your local housing office and explain your situation you will be given priority in the housing list.

The fact that you are a carer will be taken into account when considering what area to re-home you.

Your husband may well know where you live if you move but you can have a panic alarm installed to the police station to press if he comes to the house.

How do you go to university if you work 50 hours per week?

Unfortunately something will have to give here. Something might need to be sacrificed. A job or whatever.

Your uni has an access to learning fund. This helps students in financial crisis. Something that you will experience if you need a refuge. The uni will be realistic with you. They will see your outgoings etc and if you need to get away from DV and stay at a refuge they may well pay for you for a period of time.

I know it's hard but it's all in your hands. You control it.

Your husband, if you move cannot stalk, harrass or threaten you without the risk of arrest.

Dragonfly71 · 29/12/2014 21:48

Saying refuges are extremely unpleasant places isn't really true Mulder. I know some are better than others but they all try to provide women and children with a safe and comfortable home. I have visited a few and they were definitely not unpleasant. There a probably women reading this thread who are considering escaping abuse, I wouldn't want them to think staying is a better option if refuges are extremely unpleasant. That's just not the case.

Original poster
Happyandsimple · 29/12/2014 22:07

Quit likely. Uni is during the day. i work 2 jobs half day and the second job. is evening uptill almost midnight. i dont want to be to specific with exact shift pattern. well heres me trying to be vague in my outburst earlier i already said to much so i dont know why im worried about saying to much its abit late now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Happyandsimple · 29/12/2014 22:09

i basickly dont sleep. thats how i manage it quite likely.

and yes i agree refuge isnt for me but in that momment. i was scared and overwelmed. and just left. but i know now it wasnt a good idea. thanks for the good advice

OP posts:
Mulderandskully · 29/12/2014 22:11

I work for a company which owns a large number and have done for many years. Clearly I haven't been in every hostel but I am very aware about the type of incidents we commonly have to deal
With. I very much agree that women shouldn't be afraid to go to them BUT unless I needed the unique security and support they offer I would absolutely be looking at other options- all related to leaving the relationship by the way. In the same Way I wouldn't be in emergency B&B accommodation unless I Had to be, I suppose.

There are other options to
Leave a relationship which don't involve moving into a women's refuge.

Original poster
Happyandsimple · 29/12/2014 22:11

And before anyone askes. " how do you manage to work 50hours go uni and look after your mum" - she does dialysis through the night ( at home) 7 hours. so i watch her and help her if she needs me all night 3 days a week. go to work next day or uni or whatever im doing. when i started uni i had an alarm fitted so if she needed me she can press it on her neck. and someone will come out ( untrained to deal with anything kidney failure related) but atleast they can get into the house.

I am running on perhaps 30 mins sleep lol. But ive been doing this for a good while so i get used to it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Happyandsimple · 29/12/2014 22:13

im exagorating before anyone says im lieing obvcourse its more than 30 mins. but sometimes 1;30mins like last night went sleep at 6am when mum finnished dialysis next thing you know its 7:30 and im running late for work and got to work late , who goes to sleep at 6am lol you would just stay awake right? then i drive to work struggling to stay awake. ask me what my husbands done all day? slept all day. and my mums exausted after doing dialysis all night but my husbands sleepign all day so she had to watch them and feed them while he snored all day and she tried to wake him up 3 times. but she said to me she better stop before he gets angry and left him. i was at work

OP posts:
Mulderandskully · 29/12/2014 22:14

What are you
Concerned about him doing after you leave that makes you think a refuge would be needed? I think if you could expand on that people's
Advice could be a little
Better for you?

Lweji · 29/12/2014 22:14

BTW, as you are at Uni, would it be possible to talk to them and put it on hold for a while when you leave him, until you sort your life?

Original poster
Happyandsimple · 29/12/2014 22:15

I agree with you quite likely. some refuges are lovely. the 2 times I stayed in them. i remember the smell of freshly washed clothes when i walked in. it was peacefull.

OP posts:
Original poster
Happyandsimple · 29/12/2014 22:16

oops agree with dragon fly**

OP posts:
Original poster
Happyandsimple · 29/12/2014 22:19

mulder. i already said i made a mistake contacting refuge okay please. i get it theres no risk. the guy just steals my meds when he thinks im getting to independant and coping without him. risk? what risk?! hes a fucking pysco is that clear enough or what do you want me to say? im scared of him? okay i cant tell you why because it wont make sence to you. you dont see him everyday his eyes. you just dont . you dont. i dont bloody know what he would do or what he is capable off. please okay im leaving this thread/. im not concerned about anyuthing i get it. im just repeating myself over and over. i was not concidering going to refuge. i was gfoing to save up and find somwere because i dont qualify for anything. but it will take me al long time. i left last night because i was actually scared ok; i was scared . i dont know what he could do. i know hes not normal. thats all i cant tell u what im concerned about

OP posts:
MrsPnut · 29/12/2014 22:19

No refuge will make you pay upfront to stay there and they need to charge in order to maintain services.
If you need to flee, then flee and they will find a way to pay for your stay there, either via housing benefit or by subsidising your stay with a special fund.
As a PP said, some refuges are better than others and more and more are staffed 24 hours a day which costs a lot more. I know when our refuge switched from 8hr staffing to 24hr staffing we had a long discussion with the HB department as to allowable costs.

Original poster
Happyandsimple · 29/12/2014 22:19

mulder. i already said i made a mistake contacting refuge okay please. i get it theres no risk. the guy just steals my meds when he thinks im getting to independant and coping without him. risk? what risk?! hes a fucking pysco is that clear enough or what do you want me to say? im scared of him? okay i cant tell you why because it wont make sence to you. you dont see him everyday his eyes. you just dont . you dont. i dont bloody know what he would do or what he is capable off. please okay im leaving this thread/. im not concerned about anyuthing i get it. im just repeating myself over and over. i was not concidering going to refuge. i was gfoing to save up and find somwere because i dont qualify for anything. but it will take me al long time. i left last night because i was actually scared ok; i was scared . i dont know what he could do. i know hes not normal. thats all i cant tell u what im concerned about

OP posts:
Original poster
Happyandsimple · 29/12/2014 22:19

mulder. i already said i made a mistake contacting refuge okay please. i get it theres no risk. the guy just steals my meds when he thinks im getting to independant and coping without him. risk? what risk?! hes a fucking pysco is that clear enough or what do you want me to say? im scared of him? okay i cant tell you why because it wont make sence to you. you dont see him everyday his eyes. you just dont . you dont. i dont bloody know what he would do or what he is capable off. please okay im leaving this thread/. im not concerned about anyuthing i get it. im just repeating myself over and over. i was not concidering going to refuge. i was gfoing to save up and find somwere because i dont qualify for anything. but it will take me al long time. i left last night because i was actually scared ok; i was scared . i dont know what he could do. i know hes not normal. thats all i cant tell u what im concerned about

OP posts:
Original poster
Happyandsimple · 29/12/2014 22:20

sorry my enter stuck sorry for repeated message

OP posts:
Original poster
Happyandsimple · 29/12/2014 22:21

lweji - thank you for your suggestion. but me doing uni is something thats keeping me going. making something off myself will help me in the future. when i leave.

OP posts:
Mulderandskully · 29/12/2014 22:23

I'm sorry but you haven't said any of that and the posts are really quite confusing. You're clearly very stressed and upset but im
only trying to help so
I'm not sure why you're getting so irritated. You did post, after all.

Lweji · 29/12/2014 22:24

I understand it's important for you, and I wouldn't dream of suggesting you leave it, but it may be possible to apply for interruption of studies for a while. Maybe for a term?
So that you had some time to arrange things?