Not even REFUGE WILL HAVE ME

[Happyandsimple]

i AM SO UPSET,.

those who have been following my story knows that refuge was the last thing i would have looked into going to with the situation how things are. but .. i got desperate/

rang them today at work. told them the 3 things that have happened ( didnt go into the emotional abuse etc) now i havent told anyone these 3 things. not even you guys as i was so ashamed to admit them. and blocked it out. as i didnt know what it a was.

Il tell you 2.

when my son was 2 weeks old. i told him i want him to wake up atleast once with me as it was me doing everything as i was breastfeeding n looking after the other baby when she woke up. he said fine wake me when he needs nappy change. i said his name a few times he didnt wake so i tapped his arm , he woke up turned over from the other way he was facing and hit my arm while i was holding my son. he said it was reflex from me tapping him. it really hurt.

second time. he knows i have a bad back. we were sat on the floor he was sat behind me , i asked him to help me up so he used his foot to put preasure and push me up on my tail bone. it was very hard. he said sorry once then i proceeded to tell him even if ur joking u cant be so rough , he got angry and said whatever ive told u sorry " so as if one sorry should be enough i shouldnt have the nerve to be upset after that point.

anyway this is all irrelevent. i went to my mums last night at 11:30pm got in the car took the kids. and went to my mums i couldnt believe it. ( we cant stay at my mums as she is not well.and due to even if she gets a cold she could end up in hosp cant be arrround the kids to much.

so i went to work today and rang told them i work 50 hours a week and study but i pay all nursery say one job i earn 600 pound nursery 900quid for 2 kids. yet i still give husband money to bail him out of debths to by his car. i have not much.. maybe enough for one lot of rent right now. all these hours im working while husband works 4 days a week. and i have nothing to show for it .

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I CANT EVEN GO TO REFUGE BECAUSE IT WILL CHARGE ME 350 A WEEK! A WEEK!!!! because the money i earn should be enough to cover that. thats why im in this mess because he takes it all willingly i give it to him because im a moron. no wonder hes laughing when i say im leaving. I REALLY HAVE NO WERE TO GO NOW. AND NOT EVEN REFUGE AS A LAST RESORT. NOW BACK HOME I GO. LADIES I TRIED. ATLEAST I TRIED .

im sat at work actually shaking.

You haven't wasted anybody's time, people give their time on here because they want to and they can spare it, not to get something back, so don't worry about that.

Talk to Refuge. Talk to your local police Domestic Abuse team. Somebody can help you but you mustn't give up. WA are very very busy this time of year which might be why options are low. But it won't be the only chance, only option you'll ever get. Even if you have to wait a while there will be something. Chin up. It is worth fighting.

I've not read your threads before but you can escape all this. Have you got any forces connections?

Oh Happyandsimple you did what most of us would do. When we believe we're in a marriage/team we just do the right thing. It's why it hurts so much, waking up to what's really going on and how absolutely Nothing we have left. He was reckless, careless, irresponsible to behave badly at work but in truth it's "him" isn't it? This is what he does. And he knew you'd sort it all out so he wouldn't suffer. You might have to work 24/7 but hey, you'll do it for love so no worries.

Follow up on that occupation order mentioned by Justwanttomoveon

No reason why the thread should be deleted, you've done nothing wrong. Going "boom" today is the only thing to do in the circs ... again, I'm so sorry

Where's your mum? Can she support you emotionally to do all of this ringing around and sorting financial stuff? I assume you can't live with her or you'd be doing it. It helps to have someone hand hold in real life.

those who say go to the police- and tell them what? lol like your reading this you all thought what the lol. " hi police man. my husband makes me feel like crap" responce he will probs say" thats not good now get out of here and stop wasting our time"

wish he would just punch me once a week ye? and give me 6 days free. no walking on egg shells as il know whats coming on the 7th day. no waking up by 6am and by 6.02 im already wanting to hide under the covers and never come out because hes made me feel like im not even worth being spat on. just give me the hardest punch you can. let all your fustration out in one go. and just leave me alone for a few days so im not emotional exausted. .. but that would be to easy. i dont even diserve that.

Please think about getting an occupation order, you can apply and get it the same day in emergencies and you can have a power of arrest attached to it n case he tries to get back in.

Happy, what I mean is that although you may not ordinarily be entitled to housing benefit or that hb may be capped because of your earnings, your local authority may pay discretionary benefits because you would be in a refuge. It doesn't sound stupid when you explain it and if your local council has a benefits/welfare officer or you can get through to the CAB, they will have had experience of situations like yours and should be able to let you know what you are entitled to. They will also tell you if you can claim tax credits as a single parent, including help with nursery fees.

I agree with a PP about speaking to your Uni. Again, some funds are discretionary and they may be able to help.

this is gettting stupid. i sound like the biggest attention seeker on the internet. mortified. thanks everyone for your help but really and i have tried. there is nothing that can be done for me. but il keep playing the lottery incase theres a chance of freedom for me somewere :) ive always been trapped my whole life. first my dad and i never told anyone ,and its my own fualt im so dark i never got bruises . then here i am now. no physical violence but i feel worse. who knew i wouldnt wish what my dad did on my worse enemy. but id prefer it right now. because my husband knows everything i went through growing up. i was 17 when me and my husband met. almost 18. he looked after me. we were friends 4 years. before we got together. i used to cry to him while we were getting pissed about what happened with my dad. he told me he would always protect me and make me feel safe. he promised me that i would never feel that way again. he promised me we would have a family full of love. no fighting. no shouting. i mean it we actualy talked about this. i told him i would do anything for him and i promised him id never leave him because he was scared of being rejected. i would have done anything for this to work. i dont care about myself. i wanted to make him happy i wanted to take him away from the life he was having, he was on drugs drinking. he stopped everything to be with me. and i thought it was the dream. what did i do wrong? i can take all the punches that ive taken in my life. i can take all the pain i have felt. and i can let it go. but he was one person that was ment to be different just one person. one person to love me and make me feel okay. make me feel safe. i cant even get one person in my life other than my mum. to show me love unconditionaly. without pain. everyone in my life betrays me. im done fighting. and wasting you guys time. in my filofax i had all the numbers written as ive been ringing through them. for nothing. i dont give him enough sex. ( he doesnt mention it so its not like that) im alwys nagging. im always asking him stuff. ive found 2 books " the surrended wife" and "how to sumbit to your husband" so not me. but you know what il do anything for a quiet life. this is my life. and i need to grow up. no ones going to come along and save me. why would they ? when there are people who really need saving.

Just done another search and you can apply for the order for emotional abuse not just physical abuse.

No. You ask to speak to the domestic abuse team. There will be one. Then you say "I think my relationship is abusive. He doesn't hit me but I cry all the time and I want to leave but I can't." They will ask you for more details, or they will pass you on to the appropriate person or they will ask you what you want them to do. You say you want help in either leaving or getting him out of the house so that you can live.

Happyandsimple
if the refuge is 1400 a month and you earn around 1100 you should be able to get some housing benefit

I know you feel like crap but your not you are a good mum trying to get you and your dc out of this please don't think just because he is not hitting you its not as important.

you can and will get through this x

You need saving too, this isn't how your life has to be, it may feel like your stuck but someone will come up with a way to help you, we all want to.

Don't do this please. The negating of yourself. The I don't deserve. You're gutted and the wind's been dragged out of your sails but we're trying to scrape you up off the rocks. Please let us do that.

As an offside thought. If Uni has a spare flat or double room would they rent it to you?

You say you don't care about yourself. But the kids are part of this horror that is your life.

You are not wasting anyone's time. Get up off your knees and fight back. If you read those abominable books you'll seriously damage your mental health and your kids' view of the world.

Listen to what BertieBotts and Justwanttomoveon have just said above.

theres a way forward for you!! there is....calm down a bit. theres a way,we are happy to help you sort it bit by bit you know

finances seen difficult,but there will be a way for you to proceed

Christ, don't start reading those books. Give it until after New year, eh? Then try Women's Aid and police or other organisations again. Of course you're worth saving, you're important, everybody is important.

We don't usually find people in our adult lives who love us unconditionally, but love without being hurt is a reasonable think to ask.

What about your kids? You can still break the cycle for them, prevent them growing up with the life you did.

Happyandsimple have you spoken to a local domestic violence worker? I would suggest doing that as they should be able to go through all the different housing options with you, and support you with whatever you choose. It isn't a straightforward choice of refuge or staying where you are. You sound like you are experiencing lots of types of abuse and it might be useful to get this support. You can usually get their number from the local council website, refuge helpline or police.

Refuges do charge a high rent to cover the cost of the specialist workers, as well as the rent. The majority of women who go there are on housing benefit, and most who have been working give up work and claim benefits. This is partly due to the high rent, partly due to the fact most could be traced via their place of work and followed back to the refuge. However, they are not all the same and the rent varies, depending on location, for example. Some also used to operate a 'working women's policy to assist women with the rent if they were working.

I hope you manage to get the right support.

Do you know what, even those books are a total myth anyway. You won't make him happy, he will never be happy. He gets off on the control - if you did everything he wanted he'd think up some new, impossible ground. Read some of the Quiverfull survivor blogs. Even surrendered wives need loving, respectful husbands to avoid abuse.

Justwanttomove is correct - you can apply under emotional abuse. Try this website www.ncdv.org.uk/

it is very hard to get an occupation order and you need evidence of the abuse for this -im not familiar with your story so apologies if you have already said this. Have you ever spoken about what has happened with any other professionals?

You can speak to your local womens aid/refuge services and they can support and advise you in an outreach capacity so while you stay in your house until you decide what to do - you would have a support worker and they can help advise you on the best way to keep you safe - they have knowledge of any benefits, community grants you can apply for as well to tide you over if you do decide to go into a refuge.

You will not be asked for anything upfront and you will have to pay what is called a service charge but they do not ask for this until your benefits come through and dont forget the benefits will be backdated. If you get specialist DV support they can help you through this - you can see a DV trained support worker at the benefits officer. There are systems in place to help and support you,

Please also double check your student finance. You should get (depending on your course) tuition fee loan, maintenance loan (think it's around 6k a year), parents learning allowance (2k ish?), if you're still with your husband and he's still jobless - adult dependents grant (again 2k ish) + childcare - it used to be up to 80% of total but it might be lower now.

I got close to 10k in loans and grants without getting any childcare paid (didn't need it) and could work a certain amount alongside that.

I hope you find a way out.

Perhaps you need to speak with your GP as well? Get the witholding of your meds noted as well as the emotional and all-but physical abuse directed at you and the DC. You've already started the paper-trail by phoning WA. Talking with the Domestic Abuse Team as Bertie said is needed too.

Firstly I am so sorry you are going through this and don't seem to be getting the right support. I used to work in a refuge. We would usually take women from out of area because in order for women to be safe from an abuser they have to leave their home town ( even if temporarily) I worked for a charity. We prioritised the woman's safety and sorted out the housing benefit once they had arrived, sometimes this took weeks. The rent is high because refuges hAve high overheads. Security, trained staff etc. Housing benefit covers the whole amount when a woman has no other income/ savings. If a client fled an abusive partner but continued to attend her place of work it would put her at risk ( v easy for ex to follow her back to refuge). This would then risk all the other residents. Some women were able to take unpaid leave from work in order to be safe, and return once injunctions etc were in place. It's pretty difficult to work whilst staying in a refuge, and I know women often felt they had to give evrything up just to be safe which feels like being punished for your partners crimes.
A good local dv service ( all areas should have An IDVA team) should be able to advise you OP. Womens aid will be able to tell you who the local service is, I really hope you can manage to call them again. You are being threatened and abused and deserve a safe place. We often housed women who hadn't actually been hit! Any good service would, emotional and psychological abusers often turn violent when women try to leave. It's really dangerous. Even if they don't the psychological abuse is enough reason to need sanctuary.
I hope you can find the help you need, happy, and wonder if there is a Freedom Programme near you? The facilitators can be an excellent source of info and support.

Great post Dragonfly

HappyandSimple.

A good friend of mine is in a very similar position. Is very scared of her dp, though he has been violent to her. She can't go to a refuge because she refuses to leave her dogs. She's not married but her name is n the deeds of the house.

She went to the council and was a priority for being rehoused. She's been waiting since early sept but moves into a house next week. £70 a week rent. She will get housing benefit for six months. After that they will review it and if she's making attempts at forcing him to agree to sell the house (which she will) then it sounds like they will carry on paying hb while the house is being sold.

Please contact the housing dept at the council. They've been so helpful to her. Her dp doesn't know she's leaving. They've been very discreet.

.. Dragon fly. thanks for your post. basicaly, i cannot leave the area, because i am the only carer for my mum. i couldnt go away for any ammount of time other than to work. etc cant leave the area. he will never not know were i am. as my mum cannot move location. thanks for explaining i understand, and wouldnt want to put anyone in danger.

i wont be going to the police . thanks.