Not even REFUGE WILL HAVE ME

[Happyandsimple]

i AM SO UPSET,.

those who have been following my story knows that refuge was the last thing i would have looked into going to with the situation how things are. but .. i got desperate/

rang them today at work. told them the 3 things that have happened ( didnt go into the emotional abuse etc) now i havent told anyone these 3 things. not even you guys as i was so ashamed to admit them. and blocked it out. as i didnt know what it a was.

Il tell you 2.

when my son was 2 weeks old. i told him i want him to wake up atleast once with me as it was me doing everything as i was breastfeeding n looking after the other baby when she woke up. he said fine wake me when he needs nappy change. i said his name a few times he didnt wake so i tapped his arm , he woke up turned over from the other way he was facing and hit my arm while i was holding my son. he said it was reflex from me tapping him. it really hurt.

second time. he knows i have a bad back. we were sat on the floor he was sat behind me , i asked him to help me up so he used his foot to put preasure and push me up on my tail bone. it was very hard. he said sorry once then i proceeded to tell him even if ur joking u cant be so rough , he got angry and said whatever ive told u sorry " so as if one sorry should be enough i shouldnt have the nerve to be upset after that point.

anyway this is all irrelevent. i went to my mums last night at 11:30pm got in the car took the kids. and went to my mums i couldnt believe it. ( we cant stay at my mums as she is not well.and due to even if she gets a cold she could end up in hosp cant be arrround the kids to much.

so i went to work today and rang told them i work 50 hours a week and study but i pay all nursery say one job i earn 600 pound nursery 900quid for 2 kids. yet i still give husband money to bail him out of debths to by his car. i have not much.. maybe enough for one lot of rent right now. all these hours im working while husband works 4 days a week. and i have nothing to show for it .

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I CANT EVEN GO TO REFUGE BECAUSE IT WILL CHARGE ME 350 A WEEK! A WEEK!!!! because the money i earn should be enough to cover that. thats why im in this mess because he takes it all willingly i give it to him because im a moron. no wonder hes laughing when i say im leaving. I REALLY HAVE NO WERE TO GO NOW. AND NOT EVEN REFUGE AS A LAST RESORT. NOW BACK HOME I GO. LADIES I TRIED. ATLEAST I TRIED .

im sat at work actually shaking.

Happy thats appalling. TOnight is right. I would also like to see a response from any Refuge representatives who see this thread.

I agree with Solid. HE should be removed from the home. Its ridiculous.

happy you sound terrified, a pp said that refuges don't ask for money up front, maybe you could still go and at least have a day or two to get your head together a bit. Have you contacted social services and told them your circumstances, I'm sorry I'm a little naive about this to as I haven't been through it myself. Do you need to stay in your job? I know giving up everything is really scary but it would be worth it in the long run. And if your h knows where you work he could get to you through it. If your on benefits then that should cover the cost of staying in a refuge and if you don't have to pay up front then you will get back pay from the day you apply for benefits.

Is there anyone here that knows much about the benefit system who can advise the op?

Please don't give up on getting away from this man, he is a nasty bully and although he isnt hitting you regularly you are clearly terrified of him and emotional abuse does as much damage as physical abuse. You must be scared to death that the physical abuse will escalate as well.

I really hope someone else comes along who can advise you properly, I'm so sorry you are going through this.

nursery almost 900 month for 2 children.im lucky student loan covers half that first job 600pound a month( yes more than i earn cant quit or work fulltime because cost doubele that to put in childcare i cant leave till june next year to not pay maternity leave as i took inhanced) 8am-4pm

second job ( 6pm-11;30pm about 500 quid.

tell me were i will find money for 350 refuge.

my student loans are what are keeping me from going into debt. but im certianly not got any spare. i pay alot of bills. and the poster who said " will he not know were you live" he will ALWAYs know were i live. because my mum lives the next street. ( no she cant move with me. because she does kidney dialysis at home) so i have to be close to care for her. so the strength im trying to build to move out and have him around the corner is so hard. i might aswell stay were i am. because this is just so stupid. and the odds are against me :( god knows i would just disapeer with the kids and my mum if i could. anyway thanks everyone and im sorry again.

Happy, please don't worry about the cost right now -just get your dcs and go. Once you are in a calm environment all will become much clearer, plus you will have the wisdom of the Refuge Workers to help you work out your next move. You do need to get away from him.

i have absultul; y failed my children to get them up when they were sleeping in the night. and take them in the cold in the car. for what? only to be back here sat here? you know what he just made me a cheese sandwhich. what have i got to complain about?

Tomorrow, speak to a benefit advisor. They should be able to tell you if you could claim any in-work benefits, including housing benefit. There are discretionary housing benefit payments available for extreme circumstances such as these.
Is there any way you could raise a deposit for a small flat? Some councils will help with this, or you could see if you can get a loan from a family member or your employer.
I hope you manage to work things out so you can leave. Also, please be careful. Keep your phone charged and nearby.

Sorry just seen your latest post so please ignore my questions about your job.
Can the police help in any way? Can you get a non molestation order to keep him away? I'm sorry for keep asking questions but I'm really worried about you and want you to be safe.

While I don't know what the current rules are (given all the cuts) for refuge places I do know that this horrible man can be put in his place and kept separate from you. Please do talk to WA about getting him out of the house. An abusive man forfeits the right to stay in the family home.

im sat her with my hand on my mouth while my kids are in the next room playing so they cant hear me cryying, ive wasted everyones time that invested in my other threads the people who built me up to get up and go. i didnt tell anyone i was going to do it becasuse i didnt believe i actualy would. but i did. and now i feel worse then when i wasnt going to leave so quick. i feel more trapped that never.you know what this isjust the life im supposed to have.

I have reported the thread in the hope that Mumsnet can find some answers for us. I hope you are ok HappyandSimple I am sorry this is happening to you.

And, you have absolutely NOT failed your children, you are doing all of this for them, ok it didn't quite work out this time but you will be free of him soon, just keep exploring every avenue you can.

Have you been able to ask women's aid for advice? Maybe some way to get rid of him and stay in your home.

Also when I was at university there were hardship funds available for students, loans and grants. They tended to turn the loans into grants at the end of the financial year. Quite large sums. Worth seeing if your college or uni has something similar.

This is not your life. You know that. You will get out.

sorry yes 350 PER WEEK i havent worked out what that is per month. il just stay here , n get off the internet n work on being a more peacefull wife. im so tired of fighting

I was just trying to think towards a plan B is all, Happyandsimple. I know it's not as easy as just quitting one of your jobs because less money = more shitty trouble. Even if it's for a specified time period.

YOU ARE NOT STUPID. No one is calling you stupid.

Please rant away. I can't tell you how gutted I feel having read your thread and finding that ultimately, women like you can be trapped. With money one can be free immediately. The rest of us have to find more devious ways.

Don't rule anything out. Even the possibility of getting him out. Again, you need more expert advice on that.

It's true that people are very very stuck in nasty situations. It's also true that there's a way out. Yours hasn't been discovered yet.

I too would like to see how a refuge manager would deal with this situation. It must be the norm rather than the exception surely?

Just checked the women's aid website and it states you can apply for an 'occupation order' which means you can carry on living at home and he has to leave, it might be worth pursuing. I know youmust be completely exhausted right now, I hope you manage to sleep tonight but don't give up on getting away from him, you will do it.

According to what you have been told it would also seem to me that women who are being financially abused as well as those in minimum wage jobs stand no chance at all.

thanks for reporting it will probs get deleted lol because i wasnt very nice. but thank you tonighttonight. ur lovely. its clear that no ones answers seem to be enough because i seem to be so high maintanance i cant even manage to exit, so so silly i am.

Okay. people ask " why did u pay this twatss debt" really? because im an idiot what more do you want? i thought thats what you do when your married to someone you help them. im stupid. i didnt want him to get in trouble. i loved him. i wanted him to be happy.

why did you give him money , because he was always so annoyed at me and money made him happy so i kept giving it to him.

when he lost his job and i was on the 0 pay part of matleave. he lost his job because he didnt want to listen to his boss. i used all my savings to support him and pay all our bills. why? because ididnt want us out on the street.

all i wanted was him to be happy with me. thats all.

That's awful. My rent isn't even that much a month. How can they call themselves a refuge of they've priced themselves out of the league of normal women?

helen she told me if women have jobs and in this situation they go to friends and family for somwere to stay if they cant afford. i spoke to her for an hour on my work phone. in an office on my own. and thats what she said.

and to people who say " you can get grants low income" i keep telling u. if you look at the figures i look like im making loads. but paying everything now im not even giving him money im always in negitive almost. so i cant get anything. all i can do is keep working saving. and try and spread my self even thinner and get a THIRD job

There are two ways to deal with this sort of situation.

Flee into a safe house and pay or claim the rent. It is that high because it is supported accom.

Otherwise, stay in the home and get the man out, and from the get orders / do things to ensure that he stays away.

Firstly, what is your housing situation? Whose name is on the tenancy? From there, you can see whether it is your right to ask him to stay, or his right to remain, equally to you.

If you both have equal rights to the home, you need to then leave. Because you work, it would be expected that you could pay. But your right to tax credits would change if you split from your partner, and that would give you more money coming in. But yes, if you split from this man, you are looking at paying rent bills and childcare yourself.

If you split and he leaves / you leave, it is easy to stop contact. He won't, you WILL. You stop ringing him, texting him. Stop answering his falls, block facebook etc. don't look for him to change, you be the one to change.

Re child contact the answer is yes, using third parties so you don't have to see him. Set up something regular and ask the CSA to get maintenance from him.

If he harasses you, do not respond. Save evidence and then report on 101. If you have responded whatsoever, that's game over so don't.

If you have equal rights to the tenancy, you may have to leave and go to housing for emergency accom. It is so short these days that they may ask you to live in a hostel out of your borough which means kids out of school. Also you paying rent, there is nowhere to live that is free.

Let me know if I can advise further x

I doubt the nursery would count your childcare costs as income. It sounds like you haven't given the refuge all your financial information.

walk- they havent done anything wrong. there right. if i work 2 jobs then i bloody well shouldnt expect to stay there for cheap. i knew it wouldnt be free. but 350.. :( 1400 per month is that right? no wonder my husband was laughing saying go ahead leave lol i thought that was strange.. he aint stupid.

i dont know what your trying to say soonto be six?

they dont care about my financial situation. the figures are. i work 2 jobs 50 hours a week. she didnt even ask how much i earn. or what i pay. she said you will have to pay 350 a week. i asked her is there anything i can do blabla she said thats how much it costs. and then i asked her wht do people do who have jobs and in the situation etc etc. i didnt tell her anything about nursery. im telling u guys to explain why i cant afford it. i know im making no sence. im going to stop now because what will be next ( not from you but in general)

" they wouldnt say that or your situation isnt that bad or your lieing or whatever" im so exausted.

gobbynorthern bird.. extreeme circomstances like this? have you not read above? " erm.. am i missing something.. " it doesnt sound extreeme at all hun when i explain it , id sound stupid.