Not even REFUGE WILL HAVE ME

[Happyandsimple]

i AM SO UPSET,.

those who have been following my story knows that refuge was the last thing i would have looked into going to with the situation how things are. but .. i got desperate/

rang them today at work. told them the 3 things that have happened ( didnt go into the emotional abuse etc) now i havent told anyone these 3 things. not even you guys as i was so ashamed to admit them. and blocked it out. as i didnt know what it a was.

Il tell you 2.

when my son was 2 weeks old. i told him i want him to wake up atleast once with me as it was me doing everything as i was breastfeeding n looking after the other baby when she woke up. he said fine wake me when he needs nappy change. i said his name a few times he didnt wake so i tapped his arm , he woke up turned over from the other way he was facing and hit my arm while i was holding my son. he said it was reflex from me tapping him. it really hurt.

second time. he knows i have a bad back. we were sat on the floor he was sat behind me , i asked him to help me up so he used his foot to put preasure and push me up on my tail bone. it was very hard. he said sorry once then i proceeded to tell him even if ur joking u cant be so rough , he got angry and said whatever ive told u sorry " so as if one sorry should be enough i shouldnt have the nerve to be upset after that point.

anyway this is all irrelevent. i went to my mums last night at 11:30pm got in the car took the kids. and went to my mums i couldnt believe it. ( we cant stay at my mums as she is not well.and due to even if she gets a cold she could end up in hosp cant be arrround the kids to much.

so i went to work today and rang told them i work 50 hours a week and study but i pay all nursery say one job i earn 600 pound nursery 900quid for 2 kids. yet i still give husband money to bail him out of debths to by his car. i have not much.. maybe enough for one lot of rent right now. all these hours im working while husband works 4 days a week. and i have nothing to show for it .

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I CANT EVEN GO TO REFUGE BECAUSE IT WILL CHARGE ME 350 A WEEK! A WEEK!!!! because the money i earn should be enough to cover that. thats why im in this mess because he takes it all willingly i give it to him because im a moron. no wonder hes laughing when i say im leaving. I REALLY HAVE NO WERE TO GO NOW. AND NOT EVEN REFUGE AS A LAST RESORT. NOW BACK HOME I GO. LADIES I TRIED. ATLEAST I TRIED .

im sat at work actually shaking.

Can anyone see why i dont bother telling anyone anyuthing in real life? i dont make sence to anyone and its so fustrating.

Okay. I wasnt planning to go to refuge.
I was planning to wait till i could afford to move out.
but i started getting more and more scared of him.
because of things.
not happy with how he acts round kids
i am scare do fhim and dont know what he will do if i left.

I looked into places offering houses with a smaller deposit. but no because of my age they want huge ammounts of deposits. so i am looking for places to rent. because lets face it. theres no help for people like me. i ave a friend i havent spoke to in a year. as we both been busy she left her husband put all her stuff in storage stayed at her mums but it was crowed and then found out she couldnt qualify for any help. so with a baby she went back home to her husband. sure il get help if im jobless but loosing everything and having nothing stable for my children. all this hard work for what? nothing?

If someone knows of somewere were landlords accept a smaller deposite then thats more realistic. but ive looked.

thanks lweji :) i really dont want to do that but please dont think im not taking it on board its a good suggestion but thats one thing im not gonna let him effect

Please keep reading and posting Happy, it seems unbelievably dark now I know but the lovely ladies here will keep posting advice and suggestions and together we can work something out. I think the person up thread who suggested talk to the welfare officer (or equivalent) at uni could be on to something. You are absolutely knackered, no wonder it feels like the sky has fallen in. Keep posting x

mulder.. what are you saying.. yes i did post? im not irritated with you. im irritated with my situation. please i am sorry for the misunderstanding. i am . and yes i did say about him taking my meds at the start. again im sorry.

Have you actually spoken to Women's Aid? Sorry if I missed it.

im getting irritated because despite all i have said no one can get what exactly my concern is. so here it is in black and white and it still doesnt make sence. so that just shows me telling someone face to face. theres no point. its like unless someone sees " he beats me black and blue" il get the " well.. why do you feel your in danger then.. why do you feel your at risk then..?" i feel even more stupid.

You need to speak to your councils housing dept. there are many social / affordable housing options which either don't require a deposit or a minimal one. Ask for options with local housing associations.

If you were willing/ able to look at refuges you'll probably find many options. Hope you can find something

yes i have spoken to womens aid. they were very helpful and said classic abuse etc etc. they made alot clear for me in that momment. its all been blown out the water

lweji dont say sorry, im typing so much crap im not supprised you missed it, my puntuation and grammer is non existant, you cant see were my sentence starts and finnishes, its like im saying it all in one breath. well i would be if i was talking outloud. do you see this mess on your computer? just a splatter of words thats how my brain is right now.

I physically have a headache, I have cried so much. I have a plan of action now. I understand I need to be patient. Its very funny, yesturday day time I was ontop of the world. Thinking about my new life. I'l think about it again in 18 years. Unless I win the lottery. If I win the lottery, I'm outa here :) Im taking my mum and the kids away. Il get them to build my mums machine in the new mansion away from all the meanys :P I know.. its not funny, but if my reality isnt anything I want it to be. I can atleast have an unrealistic day dream.

Sorry to say this Mulder, but for someone who works for an organisation that supports vulnerable people I am a bit surprised at how your comments are worded. I don't want to derail this thread though. I would take a guess that Happy is worried about how her partner will react when she leaves. He will ramp up the psychological abuse and she is clearly overwhelmed and very down already so probably scared about how she will cope. Hence the desire to just be somewhere safe away from his controlling behaviour.

I asked the local refuge I spoke to today, she said she didn't know anything about cheaper housing with minimal deposits. (as soon as she asked me if there was violence I said no. it was like "NEXT!" Trying to rush me off the phone lol. what am i like? ( Bare in mind i didnt mean to ring my local refuge the other womens charity i rang told me this was the number for a local outreach workers. but she gave me wrong number.

My daughter went into a refuge about 3 months ago as bf was physically and verbally very abusive. Her rent is about £260 a week but this includes everything, heating, lighting, Internet etc and the worker there is frequently on hand to help or advise. She is a student. At the moment she pays about £70 pm and the rest is paid from HB.
They usually put you in a refuge quite a distance away from where you were based as then you are also far away from your abuser. This would probably mean that you would not be able to go to work as it might be far away from where you will be placed. My daughter got placed about 15 miles away.
As he does not seem overly aggressive you might be better off staying put and getting rid of him with court order etc. a domestic violence charity should be able to give you more details of how to do this.
I know it's tough right now but I am sure there are solutions out there even though they won't be particularly desirable but are perhaps the only way to start to get your life back on track again.

I can understand your fear, i grew up like that. ((((Hugs))))

Honestly Mulder. I'l tell you what happens coincidently when I want to leave. My car got crashed by him while driving it . so i wasnt able to use it for weeks and he had to drive me to and throw from uni. how can i leave then?
next time. i said i would leave. - he coincidently offered to give my mum a kidney even went as far to do all the tests. how can i leave someone so selfless? soon as i dropped anything about leaving he changed his mind.

third time i was gona leave. he informed me how he helped my mum when i was at uni and she could have died . ( that bit was true) but if he wasnt there i wouldnt have got there on time

he guilts me into staying. he has no friends because of me, he says he only needs me . when i am sick. he is in heaven, i depend on him and need him.

heydey- im so sorry your daughter is going through this, it must be so hard not being close to her, im so so sorry , i hope she gets to be with you soon , she is very strong and very brave and what a wonderful mum you are. honestly your fantastic.

did you notonyourninny? when you were a kid?

Defo go apply for social housing. They recognise emotional/financial/verbal abuse and put it on your application. Also the need to stay close to your mum/family support. I was offered a place within weeks. Also there is another thread running just now called the abuser profiles which quotes Lundy and will help you get things straight in your head getting out isn't easy but you can do it.

this is really bad. i typed so much without thinking. and if anyone knew me . came on here theyd know it was me because of the details :( like my work situation my mum etc

There are many council and housing association schemes for affordable housing and it's a bit surprising the hostel worker didn't know about this as she was very likely to work for one of those organisations. She doesn't sound terribly helpful.

Dragonfly- sadly I notice MN'ers are often quite naive to the reality of these situations. But as you say , no point derailing

You are having a tough time with getting the RIGHT support Happy but please don't give up. Ring the refuge back tomorrow and explain you need the outreach service number to help you plan your exit.

iloverunning :) Hello :) Please can you post me the link. I am glad to see you xxxx

Yes i lived in fear, lots of little things but I was so terrified I couldn't sleep

what are you talking about. niave to what mulder?

thats it! lots of little things but when you mention them individually it doesnt seem like much xx - im sorry notyourninny- is everything ok now?