Not even REFUGE WILL HAVE ME

[Happyandsimple]

i AM SO UPSET,.

those who have been following my story knows that refuge was the last thing i would have looked into going to with the situation how things are. but .. i got desperate/

rang them today at work. told them the 3 things that have happened ( didnt go into the emotional abuse etc) now i havent told anyone these 3 things. not even you guys as i was so ashamed to admit them. and blocked it out. as i didnt know what it a was.

Il tell you 2.

when my son was 2 weeks old. i told him i want him to wake up atleast once with me as it was me doing everything as i was breastfeeding n looking after the other baby when she woke up. he said fine wake me when he needs nappy change. i said his name a few times he didnt wake so i tapped his arm , he woke up turned over from the other way he was facing and hit my arm while i was holding my son. he said it was reflex from me tapping him. it really hurt.

second time. he knows i have a bad back. we were sat on the floor he was sat behind me , i asked him to help me up so he used his foot to put preasure and push me up on my tail bone. it was very hard. he said sorry once then i proceeded to tell him even if ur joking u cant be so rough , he got angry and said whatever ive told u sorry " so as if one sorry should be enough i shouldnt have the nerve to be upset after that point.

anyway this is all irrelevent. i went to my mums last night at 11:30pm got in the car took the kids. and went to my mums i couldnt believe it. ( we cant stay at my mums as she is not well.and due to even if she gets a cold she could end up in hosp cant be arrround the kids to much.

so i went to work today and rang told them i work 50 hours a week and study but i pay all nursery say one job i earn 600 pound nursery 900quid for 2 kids. yet i still give husband money to bail him out of debths to by his car. i have not much.. maybe enough for one lot of rent right now. all these hours im working while husband works 4 days a week. and i have nothing to show for it .

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I CANT EVEN GO TO REFUGE BECAUSE IT WILL CHARGE ME 350 A WEEK! A WEEK!!!! because the money i earn should be enough to cover that. thats why im in this mess because he takes it all willingly i give it to him because im a moron. no wonder hes laughing when i say im leaving. I REALLY HAVE NO WERE TO GO NOW. AND NOT EVEN REFUGE AS A LAST RESORT. NOW BACK HOME I GO. LADIES I TRIED. ATLEAST I TRIED .

im sat at work actually shaking.

Yes, whatever it takes.
But do look into the possibility of removing him from the house instead. If not right now, at least eventually.

I hope your mum will stay ok. If the children are mainly at home these few days, it's not likely they'll catch a cold.

Happy and simple They didnt want a single mum? Are they living in the 1970s. Thats disgusting. I bet they wouldnt say the same about a single dad. He would be held up as a hero. Its sex discrimination.

www.refuge.org.uk/cms_content_refuge/attachments/You can afford to leave (web).pdf
I don't know how to link it I'm sorry but this article explains the financial steps to leaving abuse. You do not need the funds before you leave.

Huh! Not rent to a single mum? Here that would be illegal. Landlords aren't allowed to discriminate. Of course, they find 'other ways' such as taking your application then two days later saying the place was already let. I would think a single mum would be a good tenant, especially as a private rental. A single mum would want a stable home for her children. But who knows. Maybe that particular landlord got burned by some random single mum with 'revolving boyfriends' or runabout children.

I agree, say whatever it takes. Your 'working away husband' could always 'take off' the next month.

I know something will turn up for you. A little pressure is off being at your mum's and away from him.

thank you everyone. im at my mums and feeling good, i may go back home. but if i do i am going to find somwere and then suggest he goes to his home town or to see his family and then il move everything out then. my mum is on board now :) please stay with me because your all so amazing.

Riendeer thanks hun im going to message you x I need to make some single mum friends. see how strong they are to show me i can do it xx

what help do you get when your a single mum? it would be nice to just work one job lol

across the pond- I COULD cry at how nice and helpful your being. im looking at places now and feeling like im getting smwere xx

Just a couple of questions so i can try and give advice... you say your partner works nights 4 days a week and you also work until midnight ish, who watches the kids in this time and who watches them while your watch your mother when she's having dialysis? Who drops off and collects your children from childcare while you're working/at university?

You've said that your partner scares you/hides your medication if you become "too independent" and this is why you want to leave - valid reasons - so have you thought about removing him from your home?

If I give you a little 'lift', that makes me feel good, as well. People banding together, even on a chat board, can make one feel stronger. And you are stronger than you know!

It's the uni that makes it hard as a single mum, but so worth doing. I did uni and working - I had to work part time, though. But working between 16 and 30 hours entitles you to help with childcare. There's a cap on the childcare hours, but nothing that tells you what you're allowed to use the childcare for. So if you work between 16 and 30, you "unlock" the childcare help which can cover both working and study, but working over 30 hours plus uni, you'll find the childcare costs exceed the money you're getting, or at least I did. Although that might have been when now-DH moved in. Hmm. Do some calculations with some estimated figures for childcare costs and work income. You also get Working Tax Credits, Child Tax Credits and whatever they are calling Income Support these days, as well as housing benefit which you will get at least partially even if you work.

There is also a grant you can get from the uni for help towards childcare, travel, books etc, but it's individual university based. Mine was useless as I couldn't get it until my course fees grant came through which didn't come through until term 3, and I had to apply at the beginning of each term but needed this proof, so I never got it in the end. And they don't do fee grants any more as far as I know. Keep fighting though, there will be a way.

You can save money on buying textbooks if you can convince your university to make texts available electronically. Mine (Warwick) had a policy of doing this for all set texts which was brilliant and saved me so much money and time, but you can ask your tutor for recommendations for texts which are available online, ask the library staff for help searching the e-catalogue and how to access your university's subscriptions to academic journals using Google Scholar, if you don't already know this.

It's not a lot of money that you get, but when you've been under the control of someone who is sucking up all that money it feels like a fortune. You can manage it yourself rather than it going on debts or frivolities.

Happy
I am glad you have engaged someone in real life to help support you eg your Mum. Most parents & friends wish their children, friends to be happy.
I would still suggest finding someone outside the family to talk to eg that confidential service at the university.
Keep up the good work moving forwards positively
My only other suggestion, at this time is. If you wish to move out of the family home to rented accomodation, how are you going to afford your original home & your rented home ?
Suggest stay at your Mums as long as you can & save up !

Happy New Year and take care

Stay strong

F X

happy well done on the positive steps you've made so far. Have you considered getting an occupation order with power of arrest attached? It is so unfair that you and your dc have to move out of your home. Now you are not actually living with him do you feel you could talk to the domestic violence team?

Many landlords, me included, want as many adults on the tenancy agreement as possible (up to 4) to give more people who can be chased for non-payment of rent or end of tenancy costs should this occur.

In cases where I've not been happy with the risk of just the potential tenant, I'd accept guarantors in lieu of this.

I'd never ever turn down a tenant based on them being a single parent, but make my decisions based on perceived financial risk and my 'feel' for the sort of person they are.

If you can improve your position by having a guarantor that would help.

Good luck. I'm following your thread and wishing for the very best of outcomes for you with the minimum of stress

Happy, how much do you earn per month? £350 is a high figure but if you have two children you may be entitled to housing benefit and other help if you are a lone parent. Have you looked at www.entitledto.com ? Can you give us a rough figure of your monthly income from jobs and benefits?

i don't know where you are in the country Happy but most areas have cheaper places to rent. It can be done pretty quickly usually (couple of weeks) so that may be an option for you?

Happy new year everyone, I am sorry i havent got back to anyone, It has been a rollercosta.

I CAN TELL YOU ALL THAT I AM DEFENETLY NOT STAYING IN MY RELATIONSHIP. NO DOUBTS ABOUT IT.

I have told my mum EVERYTHING, I have told my husbands step dad EVERYTHING.
He confirms to me my husband has always been manipulative even as he was a teenager. anything would set him off.

He said " I felt like I wsas walkng on egg shels with him and his mother"

It made me feel that it really isnt my fault.

But he did also say " but i am worried he wont cope without you"

But i realised that isnt my problem

On a monday just before new year. i was ment to go to work..and i was getting things ready and he was just awful to me. i didnt feel comfertable leaving him with the kids again ( nursery was off they usasly go mondays) i had enough. i packed our stuf again and went to mums. i stayed there a few days. my work rang me on husbands phone , my husband was there so i stupidly said i cant come in my car broke down. then i said il contact her back., i emailed her sayint sorry thats not the reason im packing my stuff il ring you later. i was rushing about got to my mums rang her but she had left.

Anyway now back at work and i have been put on a stage 2. and She will let me know if i will be going in for a disaplinary were i could loose my job for being off on monday AWOL because it wasnt authorised.

I told them everything. and had told hr 2 days before i was off that monday, so they were awere of it. they said it doesnt matter " your cat or your gran could have been run over but we have to mark you as awol because you were off unauothorised its your choice to be off"

anyway im looking for a house at the momment but in a diffficult situation.

I wont get help with house rent etc if i work more than 16 hours. my job wont let me reduce my hours ive had this job 3 years. so will have to quit this one. im worried about that.

and then the other job. ive asked if i can drop to 16 but they will get back to me,. but if not then i will end up with no job. and benifits etc wont kick in for ages.

any ideas? ive spoke to inccome support, turntous. etc. with me being a student turntous could only givr me aproximates but all said more than 16 i wouldnt get anything..

I AM NOT GOING BACK NOW. I AM STRONGER. AND NOW MY MUM KNOWS. I WONT GET WEAK. WOW IF I COULD JUST PUT INTO WORDS WHAT YOU HAVE DONE FOR ME. I WAS REALLY UNSURE OF WHAT TO DO.

DONT GET ME WRONG. WHAT I THOUGHT WOULD HAPPEN HAS HAPPEND. IM GONNA END UP IN A DICIPLINARY NO JOB NO MONEY. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT. I DONT REGRET LEAVING THAT DAY . I COULD HAVE CHOSE TO LEAVE AFTER WORK. OR A DIFFERENT DAY. ITS MY OWN FAULT. BUT IF I CANT EVEN TRUST TO LEAVE MY HUSBAND WITH MY KIDS . WHEN WILL IT STOP? HE WOULD NEVER HURT THEM BUT ALL THIS SHOUTING IS DOING THEM NO GOOD. I KNOW IT WILL BE TOUGH. BUT THIS IS FOR THE BEST. SND I CANNOT BELIEVE IT.

i wont pay anything in my owned home. and gues what. YOU WONT EVEN BELIEVE YOUR TALKING TO THE SAME PERSON. SOMEONES COMING TO VIEW THE PROPERTY TODAY. my husband says " whats the poiint we will only make a grand on it" lol he thinks hes smart. the property is worth 20thousand more than when we bought it. if it doesnt sell i was thinking about renting 2 rooms in the house? ( he wasnt happy till i told him he would have to pay child maintance. now suddenly he thuinks its a good idea to bring money in.

thanks everyone. do i still tell uni? what do i tell them? I DROPPED THE KIDS AT NURSERY MYSELF TODAY . an hour away from work lol i was an hour late but still proud of myself for gettng things done

omg Happyandsimple you're like a whirlwind of energy when you appear! I'm glad you seem to have left but I really have no idea about the financials.

I think that a company always has the option to be compassionate regarding an employee in extreme distress. I also know what heartlessness they can display.

Just here to offer you some support. I'm thrilled you came back here!

Go in and arrange to meet your personal tutor and the counselling service. Your tutor needs to know what is going on, they may be able to get you in touch with a hardship fund, get time away from your course etc. The counselling service can arrange for you to talk through the issues with your ex.

Definitely tell your tutor and university counsellors: you need breathing space and some help to work out the best possible options financially/childcare/divorce.
Uni may very well have hardship funds, access to specialist services. Also get back in touch with Women's Aid and see if you can get some help through them.
One thing to do is to write down work/study/caring pattern and also do figures to show people as other posters have said it's a question of doing lots of juggling, balancing one thing off against another.

Wow, Happy you are AMAZING. Well done, I'm sure your story will inspire others too .

you are an inspiration..good luck in your new life

Tell everyone. I did and it felt great to let it out.
I'm sorry work are being a pita. I hope they will consider them mitigating circumstances, but do warn them first next time. :)

Glad you are feeling happy and strong about it. You should be proud of yourself. Wishing you all the best in your new life.