Not even REFUGE WILL HAVE ME

[Happyandsimple]

i AM SO UPSET,.

those who have been following my story knows that refuge was the last thing i would have looked into going to with the situation how things are. but .. i got desperate/

rang them today at work. told them the 3 things that have happened ( didnt go into the emotional abuse etc) now i havent told anyone these 3 things. not even you guys as i was so ashamed to admit them. and blocked it out. as i didnt know what it a was.

Il tell you 2.

when my son was 2 weeks old. i told him i want him to wake up atleast once with me as it was me doing everything as i was breastfeeding n looking after the other baby when she woke up. he said fine wake me when he needs nappy change. i said his name a few times he didnt wake so i tapped his arm , he woke up turned over from the other way he was facing and hit my arm while i was holding my son. he said it was reflex from me tapping him. it really hurt.

second time. he knows i have a bad back. we were sat on the floor he was sat behind me , i asked him to help me up so he used his foot to put preasure and push me up on my tail bone. it was very hard. he said sorry once then i proceeded to tell him even if ur joking u cant be so rough , he got angry and said whatever ive told u sorry " so as if one sorry should be enough i shouldnt have the nerve to be upset after that point.

anyway this is all irrelevent. i went to my mums last night at 11:30pm got in the car took the kids. and went to my mums i couldnt believe it. ( we cant stay at my mums as she is not well.and due to even if she gets a cold she could end up in hosp cant be arrround the kids to much.

so i went to work today and rang told them i work 50 hours a week and study but i pay all nursery say one job i earn 600 pound nursery 900quid for 2 kids. yet i still give husband money to bail him out of debths to by his car. i have not much.. maybe enough for one lot of rent right now. all these hours im working while husband works 4 days a week. and i have nothing to show for it .

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I CANT EVEN GO TO REFUGE BECAUSE IT WILL CHARGE ME 350 A WEEK! A WEEK!!!! because the money i earn should be enough to cover that. thats why im in this mess because he takes it all willingly i give it to him because im a moron. no wonder hes laughing when i say im leaving. I REALLY HAVE NO WERE TO GO NOW. AND NOT EVEN REFUGE AS A LAST RESORT. NOW BACK HOME I GO. LADIES I TRIED. ATLEAST I TRIED .

im sat at work actually shaking.

what is mulder trying to say? can someone explain?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

What don't you understand?

Thanks Happy Im sorry for you too. Everything is fine now as I've been nc for 8 years. But I can remember how terrified I was. Also left me flondering for years. Be strong, be determined.

hello happy

I have had a think about your situation

I am sorry that you are unhappy, but going to a refuge may not be the right thing to do at this point in time.
That does not mean give up !
I can see why you are frustrated & looking for help.
Trying to sort out your existing life may be better.
One thing at a time
I dont mean staying with your partner, I mean reassessing.
Take a step back to think ....

Most universities should have a confidential counselling service that you can access for free (a bit like citizens advice)
I would suggest talking to someone in real life, even if it is just for a cup of tea & a moan, they should have some contacts that can help you & listen to you & make suggestions.
eg. They may have some volunteers who can go visit your mum & provide you with a well earnt break
eg.They may have some cheap lodgings or an emergency grant
eg. They may have a mentor or someone who has been in a similar situation who can offer help & advise
etc

Reading your posts you have alot going on in your life !
children
caring responsibilities for your mother
university/studies
2 jobs
no sleep
worries/unhappy about your current situation
money issues
It seems not much support from your partner

Perhaps you need to look "outside the box" ?

Would it not be easier to have one well paid job with benefits ? Some jobs allow time for courses & study while at work. Some companies even pay for their staff to complete courses & exams & actively promote career development & progression. Do you have time to look for job vacancies ?
I dont mind proof reading your CV if that helps ? If you want to inbox me.
There are also open university courses.

The lack of sleep concerns me, what will happen if you get ill & you are unable to "keep all the plates spinning ?"

Does your partner work, if not why not ? - If he does not work this is an extra burden on you. With all your other responsibilities you dont need that as well ! (grrrrr)

If you have a joint mortgage, I would ask for advise from a solicitor or free counselling service ref separation, selling house etc.

Take time out to think - In a year what do you want to achieve, what are your goals ?
You probably need to make a list & prioritse

Can you separate from your partner, but still live in the same house until it is sold/finances separated etc ?
Just communicate ref childcare ?

I hope my suggestions have been helpful ?

Please let us know how things progress

Take care

x

Don't worry - it's unlikely someone who knows you will randomly come across this post. Really unlikely. Unless you know someone who is a mumsnet regular, specially a relationships regular, it's not likely to happen.

flufypuss can i put you in my pocket and bring you out everytime i get all upset? goodness me how clear was that? amazing, yes we do have a councelling service infact i sent the group email so everyone on my course is aware of who to contact.

Il read your post again tommorow, so i can have a think about every step. 100% helpful!

wow honestly just look at that. fluffy the way you layed out the writing everything is just like as clear as glass. im amazed, and really apreciaite everyones efforts. honestly im emotional thinking about how much you guys have tried to help. x

I am not sure what Mulder is trying to say Happy. I often find niavity is a very positive force.It makes us say " that's not fair!" It means we question "the system". It allows us to take a person at their word and try to empathise.
Anyway, I better get some shut eye now, and I hope you can too.

You are just under such terrible, terrible pressure! No wonder you're at the end of your rope.

You've stated the things you cannot do; you can't go to a shelter due to costs. You can't pick up and move because of your mum's need for care. You can't move in with your mum due to her fragile health.

What can you do? You can see a solicitor for a free 30 minute consultation about getting your DH out of the house (occupation order). Explain about his intimidating behaviour, emotional abuse, and stealing your meds. That IS abuse! Abuse isn't always hitting. You can contact your GP about your husband stealing your meds to control you. I don't know what meds you're on (and not asking!), but I would think that your GP would want to know. At least get that in your records so if you do need some type of documentation it'll be there. Perhaps your GP will have some suggestions or referrals. You said you had a friend who left her husband but ended up going back. If she's still unhappy, is there a possibility of the two of you 'joining forces' and finding accommodation together?

I'm not in the UK so I don't know about income or and financial support available to you. People have mentioned the CAB as able to give advice.

My first husband also terrified me. He was very big and intimidating. Eventually it did turn physical. I pray you can find your way out before that happens.

If you go to the council and make a homelessness application they have to find you temporary accommodation at the very least. But... it mightn't be local as such, which could be difficult. But it is probably worth a try. Being subject to physical or psychological violence means you will be classed as in priority need.

Happy the only thing you can do is get this man out of your home. You need to do as other posters suggested and get an occupation order. You need to quit one job and get help with benefits (surely this means you'd need less childcare ) you need to speak to social services about getting help emotional abuse is still abuse in fact I read they are trying to bring new laws in to combat emotional abuse. SS will have seen similar situations to your own. I know you won't be able to do this immediately it could take months but don't think just because you don't have bruises you aren't being abused!! You say you don't like how he treats your children that alone is enough in my opinion to get him removed.

Hello Happy

I am glad that I was able to help you, even if only in some small way

Sometimes when you are stuck in something you keep going round in circles & you cannot see a way out yourself, thinking about the same things.

Sometimes you just need someone to look at things from the outside

Sometimes you just need to write things down

Sometimes you just need to take time to breathe, be still & think

Let us know how things are going over the next few days

One day at a time x

Oh happy I couldn't read and run
I was in an abusive relationship 10 years ago, I couldn't access help either because I earnt too much (was paying all his debts and living costs), and was on the mortgage so not eligable for housing association.
You don't tick the boxes so your stuck.
I really understand your frustration, I even tried the pdsa for vet help with my pets but got told no as I wasn't on benefits (I genuinely couldn't buy food I was that poor).
I believe the law is / has changing for emotional abuse, keep strong, keep peddling. You'll do it, you've had some better advise than I can give. You need some time to get your strength back, refocus, and plan. In the mean time squirrel money away every few pence adds up. Get your ducks in a row and get the bastard out.

Hi Happy

I've just read your thread, and wondered about another thing that might just give you a break... You seem to have so much on your plate at the moment, that any chance to take a step back could help you.

What benefits is your Mum on? Could she claim Attendance Allowance? It would give her a weekly or monthly sum that could be used to pay for a qualified carer to look after her for a few hours a day, or a night or two a week. That could give you a bit of time back.

The other person who could maybe help you is your GP. You don't say what meds you're on, but I'm assuming you attend a doctors appointment regularly. Would they be someone you could confide in?

I hope someone can help you.

Hi, Happy.

I agree with Fluffapuss. Universities can be very, very helpful. They can really get stuff done.

When I needed somewhere to live a few years ago, and I was studying full-time, I had somewhere within a couple of hours. And it was nice, too. Small, but nice. I don't know what University you are at, but they all have help.

Talk to them. Don't give up.

I will read anything ive missed in a min.

I didnt go to work today and i am ment to be going in for a stage 2 meeting for absence.

I didnt go into today because my husband is ment to have the kids but he keopt falliung asleep so i didnt feel comfertable leaving them.

my manager is angry. im about to loose the job ive had 3 years.

i told him im going to loose my job be ause of u he said " yeh right because of me im not intrested" "I SAID YES HE SAID if you didnt put your self in this positioin u wouldnt be in this mess.

i said the last time i was off was because of you! i had to not go in because a social worker was round because of him!

he then said " stop being redicuilace YOU CHILD!"

PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT ACCEPTABLE

IM LOOKING FOR PLACES TO RENT IN MANCHESTER WITH NOT MUCH DEPOSIT.

IM TAKING THE KIDS TO CAB NOW ( CITIZINS ADVICE)

OK cab isnt open . who now/

IM PACKING NOW hes not even bothered as he thinks im just being dramatic

oh here we go. cant find my sons meds. obvciurse it was just a coicidence as i cant leave without it

council offices now closed.

il go to my mums till the new year. but cant stay long as she has no room. plus her immune system is really bad due to not having a spleen and her kidney failure. so the kids get colds all the time and a simple cold can make her ill for ages

www.manchester.gov.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?categoryID=200117&documentID=1428

manchester city council homelessness page with contact details, out of hours etc. I work for a council in benefits/taxation and we are staffed normal hours today, till 3pm tomorrow.

God Speed Happy. You are doing the right thing. I know you worry about your mum, just do lots of face and hand washing for the children and explain that they need to not kiss Granny or eat from her plate. I know it's hard, I had to do the same with DS2 and my Dad.

Please let us know that you arrived safely at Mum's and that you are ok. Give yourself some time to 're-group' today, if you can.

Thanks across- I found a property that was in my price range, and they said " because its just one income, and as im a single mum" ( even though i told them im working fulltime. etc all the proof) ( this was over the phone i said i had whatever they needed they said they didnt want a single mum. i said im not on benifits etc.( not that that matters) but they said no. next time il say husband works away