Not even REFUGE WILL HAVE ME

[Happyandsimple]

i AM SO UPSET,.

those who have been following my story knows that refuge was the last thing i would have looked into going to with the situation how things are. but .. i got desperate/

rang them today at work. told them the 3 things that have happened ( didnt go into the emotional abuse etc) now i havent told anyone these 3 things. not even you guys as i was so ashamed to admit them. and blocked it out. as i didnt know what it a was.

Il tell you 2.

when my son was 2 weeks old. i told him i want him to wake up atleast once with me as it was me doing everything as i was breastfeeding n looking after the other baby when she woke up. he said fine wake me when he needs nappy change. i said his name a few times he didnt wake so i tapped his arm , he woke up turned over from the other way he was facing and hit my arm while i was holding my son. he said it was reflex from me tapping him. it really hurt.

second time. he knows i have a bad back. we were sat on the floor he was sat behind me , i asked him to help me up so he used his foot to put preasure and push me up on my tail bone. it was very hard. he said sorry once then i proceeded to tell him even if ur joking u cant be so rough , he got angry and said whatever ive told u sorry " so as if one sorry should be enough i shouldnt have the nerve to be upset after that point.

anyway this is all irrelevent. i went to my mums last night at 11:30pm got in the car took the kids. and went to my mums i couldnt believe it. ( we cant stay at my mums as she is not well.and due to even if she gets a cold she could end up in hosp cant be arrround the kids to much.

so i went to work today and rang told them i work 50 hours a week and study but i pay all nursery say one job i earn 600 pound nursery 900quid for 2 kids. yet i still give husband money to bail him out of debths to by his car. i have not much.. maybe enough for one lot of rent right now. all these hours im working while husband works 4 days a week. and i have nothing to show for it .

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I CANT EVEN GO TO REFUGE BECAUSE IT WILL CHARGE ME 350 A WEEK! A WEEK!!!! because the money i earn should be enough to cover that. thats why im in this mess because he takes it all willingly i give it to him because im a moron. no wonder hes laughing when i say im leaving. I REALLY HAVE NO WERE TO GO NOW. AND NOT EVEN REFUGE AS A LAST RESORT. NOW BACK HOME I GO. LADIES I TRIED. ATLEAST I TRIED .

im sat at work actually shaking.

Hi
If you go into a refuge, you can stop giving him money to cover his debt.
Would they charge upfront?
Or just go and see if you can afford it and discuss it with them.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid?
And you should be entitled to some benefits, even if WFTC (is it still that?).

If you need a refuge and this would mean giving up work would housing benefit cover the costs? Or can you come to an arrangement with them to pay what you can afford?

I didn't know that women's refuge charged their tenants. Is this standard practice? I thought it was a charitable organisation and a temporary arrangement and they helped to rehome the women and families ASAP.

well stop giving him money for a start! If you go to a refuge you won't be giving him money so you will have that money to give to the refuge instead of him. Surely you would not go to a refuge to be safe away from him and still give him money? So I am not understanding why you feel you can't leave?

Talk to women's aid. They may be able to find a refuge that will not ask for so much money.

I must admit, I did not know refuges charged women fleeing violence or would turn them away if they could not pay. That is shocking.

If they have a place, just go.
Sort it out later.

£1400 a month to escape a bullying bastard? Thats an absolute disgrace.

They have to charge, they have to cover their costs. That does sound like a lot, though, I thought the idea was that their rent is covered by housing benefit which surely would be much less than £350 a week. They take the payment directly and don't ask for it in advance if you have no money but I expect it's different if you're working.

Still. Speak to them, explain the situation. I'm sure they won't turn you away if they can help. It's a busy time of year though sadly :(

I am totally amazed the cost of a refuge is so high. I didn't know but assumed they were free. A token charge perhaps but that's extortionate for people in a difficult situation.

Stop giving him your money. You will need it all for yourself.

I have no idea of the back story here, so forgive me if i'm missing something.. but aren't refuges for people at the last resort or who are worried for their safety?
He doesn't sound very nice but he has hit you on the arm once (a while ago, I presume, if your ds is now in nursery) and hurt your back and only apologised once.

I can sympathise with you wanting to leave him, but do you have the option of finding your own place (cheaper than 350 / week) if it doesn't really need to be today?

And yes, stop giving him money.

I am all for asking those who can pay to pay, but it does sound too expensive!

Still, will you be able to keep your job? Won't he be able to find out where you live?
Regardless, if it gets you rid of him, it sounds worth paying.

If this man has been physically violent, ask WA's advice on getting him removed from your home and prevented from returning.

Why are you paying the twat's debts for him?

I'm surprised people are surprised they charge. It's not a lot (£350 pw sounds unusual, is this perhaps B&B or other emergency accommodation?) and they don't have unlimited funding. How could they afford to run if they didn't claim money from somewhere? And as most of it comes from housing benefit it's actually government funded.

It would be much worse for residents if they didn't charge, because if they had effectively free lodgings, they wouldn't be entitled to any benefits at all which would make things much more difficult when they left the refuge as they would be claiming for the first time. Also claiming benefits makes other things such as legal aid much more easily accessible too.

tbh, I thought that the costs were covered by social services as part of protecting women and children. I suppose that must seem ridiculously naive.

hippopottymouthsorry to clarify i have stopped given him money! was explaining why i had none now. no savings hippy pot. " but has he hit you" :| just to say this is why i have never told anyone. and been keeping crap to myself no he has never physicaly hit me. ! you deal with emotional and psycoilogical abuse walking on egg shells not knowing what someones capabale of to tell me about being scared of safety, hes stoling my medication when he thought i was getting to independant. im scared of him hes 6.2 and im 5. foot 2 and on tuesday he blocked me in by towering over me and refused to let me leave. but thank you " but has he hit me" no he hasnt. so please accept my apology for wasting refuges time. i am scared to go to my own home. my heart beats when now its getting to 4 achlock and im going to have to go back home. i am scared because i dont know what he is capable of doing. god im not commenting on this thread anymore. i fele like crap as it is. i have stopped giving him money . im sorry pot i couldnt go into every thing he has done. i am sorry i didnt make it sound big enough to require to be put in a safe situation. nevermind that i feel so unsafe in my own home i cant sleep. but yes i am sorry i wil just suck it up till i can afford to leave. im sorry . very sorry. your right. theres people who are getting hit. he makes me feel like i should kill myself but no worries he isnt hitting me ,. so im all good. the way he talks to the kids. the way he talks and shouts at me. the weird things he says that make me worry for my safety. he is so sadistic he wants me to himself. yeh the back situation sounds silly right?! i have had a bad back since before he met me and he knows that my spine is not so great and he also knows that it would cause me to be in bed for a week or 2 which means i dont go anywere. which means im all his. for me to depend and need him. i feel disgusting. i feel disgusting and stupid. so stupid for writing this here. i see what it looks like to everyone and im very sorry, your right this aint bad. il get it together. im such a drama queen. what is my problem? he cooks and cleans, he uses my mums sickness as a way to trap me from leaving. when i last said i was leavig he offered to give my mum a kidney, the momment i felt guilty for wanting to leave suchg a nice man.. that idea went away. any weakness i have he plays on it he loves. it but you know what. he loves me. so why should i want to leave such a person. i wont. your right. i will not waste refuges space. i will stay here and wait. i will stay here and live here. and take everything. because your right he hasnt hit me. this isnt abuse. i am sorry. things arnt how they seem. and thats why hes laughing. what i say sounds like nothing. but when your in the momment when your on you hands and knees begging for him to take ur child to the hosp whos not well and u cant go because u u have one kid to look after that u dont want to take in hosp and he says no and u say fine u will take them both and then he calls u a bad mum for risking the youngests health when infact ur trying to help then he eventualy agrees twists the whole thing and says it didnt happen. off home i go. i wont mention this again. i really felt good leaving today written down all the numbers to call who am i kidding. rubbish . im sorry

erm.. i said 'he has hit you', as you mentioned it yourself, in the OP. I was acknowledging that you have reasons to leave but asking if it really had to be today, to a refuge, or if you had options of finding something else yourself with a bit more time.
A refuge is somewhere to hide, so as others have said, would you need to leave your job too?

OP can you call someone, you sound extremely distressed (understandable), there will be a way to work this out, I promise, but you need to talk to people in real life. You won't get very far by posting on a forum unfortunately.

Go to your police station, social services, family, women's aid, council office, wherever you can think of but speak to someone in real life.

When your shock and anger give you a breather ...

www.spareroom.com might be worth a look. Negotiating with the refuge might be worthwhile too. Perhaps you need to consider if reducing your work hours would make you eligible for benefits and housing/rent.

I'm appalled at the costs involved; I've been very naive on this too. At this rate you might as well get a riverside penthouse instead. Obviously there's a deposit required for rental.

One thing I do know is that you'll get out of this. With such fire in your soul and creativity in your mind you'll escape this hell of a relationship.

Don't blast yourself to death with your own rage at the utter betrayal you must be feeling right now (rightly so) .. redirect the energy and keep bloody fighting, dear soul!

Is your money safe from him? No joint a/c going on? No shared credit card? Actually ... if there is a joint cc ... has it got credit available that you could get? Of course that makes for issues later, but later is another day ...

I'm so sorry Happyandsimple

Just thinking, given the draconian way things are worked these days, if you voluntarily reduce hours there will be some time before you can get benefits, just don't know what that is these days. Which is why you need expert advice on the financials.

It would be very useful to have a response on here from a refuge, Shelter or Womensaid. I was certainly not aware that refuges could charge so much. I would be interested to know whether these costs can be mitigated in some way, so that the OP and others can access these services.

im angry because ppl seem to think im stupid "reduce ur hours n ul get benifit" "leave uur job" i wish i could but who will suport me for A MONTH? WHILE CLAIM STARTS? THEN I WONT GET ANYTHING BECAUSE I CHOSE TO LEAVE. neither can i quit one of my jobs because i have to pay back maternity leave if i leave before june next year. so fustrating. if i reduce my hours. bet you think that means i can then reduce the kids nursery? but gues what il still have to pay for one month after reducing the hours. im sorry everyone. i am angry because i finanly did it. i never ever thought id get up and leave while he was working night. i never ever would have had the courage to leaVe, i left last night after an incident while he was working nights. i felt amazing. and then here i am back home ... i feel so stupid. and i wish i never contacted refuge because atleast then i would be left in a sort of thing were i felt like " atleast i had some were to go!" but i really dont. she said "people who have jobs go to there friends and family if they cant afford that" .. i dont have anyone like that. i am full of rage and i know i sound like im as bad as him right now but i am so broken right this minute i just cant tell u how bad i feel. really. its as simple as this 350 a week. thats what she said no i cant pay with instalments. i feel so silly because its my own fault. i believe ppl saying " theres noe xcuse not to leave there is away" just leave ur job and this and that. when well for me there is no way out. because im just unlucky. i am sorry for rgaging at any of u u dont dserve it .