Problems having sex - I think it's me. Any advice please?

[Oldnamenomore]

My dh and I have been together since we were teenagers, we are 31 now, married with 5 children. We have been pretty happy- life is ok we work together in our own business a couple I think we get on and rarely argue. Up until the last year or so we always had sex very regularly a few times a week, even when we have had small babies , but now it seems like it is far less (a few times a month) and tbh he doesn't seem to enjoy it when we do. He loses his erection half way through - and a lot of the time the only way to get it back is to do things which while I WILL do I don't really enjoy. When we do manage to get through to the end it's crappy because again he seems only to enjoy everything I dont.

He seems to imply that I am not doing a good enough job at whatever It is I am doing or other things which are just not in my control that I find very confusing! which is the reason this happens but tbh I don't see what more I can do. He has erections other times, there is no problem with this it seems only to be when I am with him that there is an issue, so clearly I am pretty sure it's my fault .i have only ever had sex with him so I have nothing to compare all of this too- maybe I AM just don't it wrong! I just don't know how to fix this, I really miss having proper sex it sounds selfish but I do - i am 31 and I feel like this is pretty much the end of our sexual relationship.

Tonight I gave him a massage and oral sex - the same thing . I have never been upset with him , I don't make a big thing about it and I do t ever show disappointment but tonight I just couldn't carry on and ended up just upset again he made me feel it was my fault.

I am sorry this is so confused! I find this all quite difficult to talk about - there is 0% chance of him talking to anyone about this. Do I prett mich need to just accept that I will never have decent sex again or is there anything I can do to improve?

Thanks ??

House - I would try although I am not sure how it would go in real life considering how hard it has been on here . I am not sure how I would go about doing that though!

OP you must say No! Don't ever let him drag your self esteem lower as you will be less able to see the wood for the trees in the future.

Please do the freedom program www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php
There is a section on sexually abusive behaviour. It will help you be stronger. You can also go to Relate on your own.

If you can't talk to your husband write down in a letter your feelings about his sexual behaviour and how it is going to stop.

You are not on your own. All you need to do and say is NO and mean it. There is no point saying NO I DONT WANT ANAL and then letting him do it anyway.

If you're just going to let it happen, then by saying no and letting it happen is just indicating to your partner that you don't really mean it and its ok to carry on.

What happens when the anal isn't doing it for him anymore and he moves on to something even less to your liking?

Say no and mean it. No is No. He wont respect you or your body until you do. Oh, and if he really loved you, he wouldn't dream of asking you to do something let alone carry on doing it when you have said no.

Oldname - at this stage you don't have to do anything. It is a lot to absorb. Take it slowly and just do what you feel comfortable with. The fact that you realise you aren't going mad and that what's going on isn't acceptable is a massive step. Please don't feel the need to put any more pressure on yourself. You can take things at your own pace. Small steps.

And FWIW this has nothing to do with you, your attractiveness or your vagina . It has everything to do with him, his behavior, attitude and sense of entitlement.

Take care of yourself. Your feelings and well-being matter .

"He wont respect you or your body until you do. Oh, and if he really loved you, he wouldn't dream of asking you to do something let alone carry on doing it when you have said no."

Those two sentences are an oxymoron. The OP should not be in a position where she repeatedly has to say no. He should be respecting that immediately. He isn't. The problem is with him, not the way the OP is saying No.

This thread has seriously got out of hand.
Destiny - I don't even know how to respond to what you say.

OP - At first I thought it just needed a talk with your OH. Then I thought he was sexually manipulating you. Now I seriously think you are being sexually abused. My opinion on an open thread.

If he finds me boring again I'm not really sure what I can do about that. I have tried suggesting or doing various things over the last year but he is just not interested . In fact he seems totally unconcerned with anything like that He's not interested in what you suggest because he knows you will like it, and he seems to enjoy doing things you don't like having done to you. Simple.

The fact you stated that you want to be able to stand up to him, but when it's happening you know you probably won't..... that sounds like an abused person to me.

I am really sorry that I can't be this person to stand up and argue with him or accuse him of all this i know it sounds really really pathetic but I know that I will crumble under that kind of pressure

Again sounds like somebody who has been broken down (and not just sexually)

You constantly apologise for yourself and feel guilty about even complaining about him. despite the fact that you panic about him wanting anal sex with you, he critiques your sexually performances and blames you for the fact he can't stay hard. It isn't an attraction issue, he has some serious sexual issues and you really are being manipulated by him.

So he's buying you Xmas presents? so what? I was in a physically and mentally abusive relationship in the past, got a shit load of presents. Now I'm in a very fulfilling relationship and he gives me everything I need emotionally... what has him shopping for presents got to do with the fact he is coercing/forcing/convincing you (call it what you will) into sexual acts you hate doing

OP he doesn't need to be abusive in any other area of your life to be sexually abusive. But you can call it whatever you like. You don't have to confront him with it, you just need to tell him he won't be doing anal sex any more.

I do think, though, that you should think through the implications of just how wrong his behaviour is if it's causing you panic attacks.

Can't be arsed Destiny, this thread is has been messed up enough as it is.

OP you sound like a rabbit in headlights. It must be hard to read other people's posts here. It sounds like you've convinced yourself this is simply a case of sexual incompatibility, but it really isn't.

Call it rape, call it sexual abuse, call it whatever you want. The first step is to see this situation for what it is. A man who loves a woman would never do what he's doing to you. He might treat you well in every other respect, but it's likely to simply be so that he can keep you in your place so he can continue abusing you. This thread makes for difficult reading (even without the fighting) and I hope that in time you'll see your husband for the person he really is.

FYI, if he's done it during sex and you've said don't and he's carried on, it is rape. Call rape crisis, talk to them.

Thanks.

Dh is home now and we did haveva chat, but the kids are home now.

i tried to tell him that I don't like it and that it does hurt but its things I have said before so I am not sure how much he took in. And he did make some suggestions of how to make things better but I am not sure if he meant just that easier or easier in general .

I know he will expect something tonight because of last night and this morning so I suppose I will know then if he has taken it in at all.

Oh my poor love, I can imagine having all this come to the fore now is pretty stressful.

I think it's rape but I also think you should look after you and your children: if that means taking a day or a few to get your head around it, so be it. Walk away from the PC, and think things over. Come to terms. When you are ready speak to the very many people out there designed to help you- women's aid, rape crisis. You are so very far from alone, you may not have met the people who will help you yet but there are many of them.

You are a wonderful person, you deserve more. Focus on that. Visualise what you COULD have. You are still a young woman, it's all out there waiting for you but it take a very, very hard first step. you can do it.

To all the posters who suggested the fault was with the OP or her body you should be absolutely ashamed.

Please please remember that you dont have to do it.
He does not get to "expect" anything :(

I think Peachy is very wise.

And he can have any kind of expectations he wants, OP - sex is an activity that both people should enjoy, not that one owes the other.

old
this thread is really disturbing
you ARE being abused, but because he is nice in the rest of the relationship it is causing a real dissonance for you.
There is a long running thread which is quite similar to yours - I dont know if it would help to read someone elses experiences in a similar situation.

These is Adorably's story
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2116530-How-to-deal-with-sexually-controlling-husband
and her last one, still running now www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2179254-Decision-made

Old your thread is heartbreaking.
I read and was ready to send a quick answer but then read that you are ready to try again tonight 'just in case he can make it a bit easier'

Please please, do NOT accept to do something you hate so much just to keep him happy. It doesn't matter if it hurts less, or it's a bit more easier to accept for you, no one I mean no one is allowed to push you so much that you feel you can't say NO to a certain act.
It's not because he is your H (not DH) that he can ask you to do that sort of things and it's not because you are his W (not his DW because if it was he would have stopped asking a long time ago!) that you have no other choice than to accept.

Lease do reconsider actually giving in into his demands again

I too find this thread disturbing and upsetting.

OP, there should be no areas of your personnel life that give you panic attacks or make you apprehensive. I too have only had one sexual partner, but I cannot comprehend being treated as you have been, It just wouldn't happen. Ever.

What sort of man would behave this way? Only an abusive one.

Who cares about presents? It's just stuff. I am so worried for you.

I do want to have sex - I really do just not the sort we have been having. I have told him that if he does it I will get up and stop so I will try not to go along with anything

Yy house re pain.

OP, you have.been crystal clear. I hope he listens tonight.

I have told him that if he does it I will get up and stop so I will try not to go along with anything

Please Old stick to your guns. You can't let do whatever he wants with your body.

OP this has been a tough thread for you.
What he is doing is wrong. You are not to blame.

It is hard both to accept that someone could do this to you or that it has been done to you. If you call it what it is then it means one thing.

Perhaps this is what you need to tell him,if he tries that again, not that you will move away, you will leave him. He needs to know how serious this is. He also needs to imagine how he would feel if someone were doing that to him. If he likes that then he can have it done to him instead of doing it to someone who does not like it. If he does not like it, then he might understand why it is not on.

"And he did make some suggestions of how to make things better but I am not sure if he meant just that easier or easier in general"

Oh love, is he trying to suggest ways of making this abuse less physically painful for you? If so, then he's aware that what he's doing to you is causing you damage, yet prefers you to take pain-killers to numb it? He sounds dreadful - who would critique their partner's sexual performance (as you wrote about upthread.)

What support would you need to help you leave this horribly abusive man? Practically and emotionally. I've read the entire thread, and he seems to get off on what you find embarrassing, painful humiliating and awful. That's not what a loving relationship should look like.

I hope things went OK OP, I'm off to bed now but there's usually someone up on MN if you need to talk.