Problems having sex - I think it's me. Any advice please?

[Oldnamenomore]

My dh and I have been together since we were teenagers, we are 31 now, married with 5 children. We have been pretty happy- life is ok we work together in our own business a couple I think we get on and rarely argue. Up until the last year or so we always had sex very regularly a few times a week, even when we have had small babies , but now it seems like it is far less (a few times a month) and tbh he doesn't seem to enjoy it when we do. He loses his erection half way through - and a lot of the time the only way to get it back is to do things which while I WILL do I don't really enjoy. When we do manage to get through to the end it's crappy because again he seems only to enjoy everything I dont.

He seems to imply that I am not doing a good enough job at whatever It is I am doing or other things which are just not in my control that I find very confusing! which is the reason this happens but tbh I don't see what more I can do. He has erections other times, there is no problem with this it seems only to be when I am with him that there is an issue, so clearly I am pretty sure it's my fault .i have only ever had sex with him so I have nothing to compare all of this too- maybe I AM just don't it wrong! I just don't know how to fix this, I really miss having proper sex it sounds selfish but I do - i am 31 and I feel like this is pretty much the end of our sexual relationship.

Tonight I gave him a massage and oral sex - the same thing . I have never been upset with him , I don't make a big thing about it and I do t ever show disappointment but tonight I just couldn't carry on and ended up just upset again he made me feel it was my fault.

I am sorry this is so confused! I find this all quite difficult to talk about - there is 0% chance of him talking to anyone about this. Do I prett mich need to just accept that I will never have decent sex again or is there anything I can do to improve?

Thanks ??

Hansel, as school/pre school has finished for the term, OP may be child wrangling.

In the office it's just is and we have 7 employees

Us not is

X post!

She also says she WILL do it but doesn't enjoy it. And if she moves away he won't follow her and stops.

The OP herself is clearly confused about what is going on sexually and the H is taking advantage of that to do what he wants. She must stop giving mixed signals and say no! Absolutely not, never again!

I'm not getting into semantics.

The OP has to read every opinion and see what fits her particular situation. I and everyone else can only go on what is written.

Fwiw. As the post has gone on its clearer that this marriage is not as loving as the OP first posted and this sexual abuse is a red flag to that. She needs to look very closely at whether it should continue.

living in a shared rented house means you are in a good position OP. Much easier than if you owned a house jointly.

You can get help with rent and certain benefits to help ease your position financially. You can. You dont have to be frightened about sex and you dont deserve to be coerced into anal just because you want to feel close to ypur partner.
Youve got some complicated emotions flying around, i know.
Just remember - youre worth more than that. You dont have to do anything you dont want to

rape isnt a red flag. Rape is rape

Please stop, Destiny.

I think it's really unfair to imply that the ED issues must be because the husband doesn't fancy the OP anymore, or finds her boring. That is simply following the husband in blaming the OP.

Men can develop ED issues for all kinds of personal reasons that have nothing to with how much they fancy their partner.

And it could be that he's been whacking off to a lot of porn which has affected his ability to maintain a hard on, and has re-tuned his tastes so that he's not getting turned on my 'normal' sex any more.

He is apparently now christmas shopping for me so now I feel like shit for even starting this thread . I don't feel like he is raping me I can't even imagine that. I would never go to the police about any of this I have a feeling it wouldn't be taken all that seriously if I did! I will try to stop giving in I not sure why I do. It's easy for me to say now that I won't but it's a lot harder when it's actually happening

You don't need to go to the police OP, that's fine.

Just because he is buying you a Christmas present, that doesn't negate him trying repeatedly to have sex you hate. No one is bad all the time; if someone were bad all the time, ending relationships would be a lot easier.

You give in because there are bad consequences for you in terms of his mood if you do not.

That is unfair. This is your body and your preference. He is upsetting you but he cares about that far less than you upsetting him.

Why is that, do you think?

I dont think you need to feel guilty for starting this thread just because he is buying you presents. Things are happening that you need support with and that is what MN is for.
I dont think you should do anything in bed that you dont want to do :(
And it sounds like the only reason you "give in" is because you are craving affection and physical contact.

Nobody is blaming the OP for anything just exploring possible reasons for Hs sexual behaviour.

I don't think it's rape either despite the hysteria, but it is sexually abusive and coercive and it has to stop for your own self esteem. There is pleasing your partner with something that doesn't float your boat but not, not, not if it is something you hate.

I have said to DH 'OK just do it and pull my nightie down afterwards' because I am tired and not interested and DH will do his best to get me interested usually succeeds but he would never hurt me or do something I feel degrading.

"Ihave said to DH 'OK just do it and pull my nightie down afterwards' because I am tired and not interested "

Blimey.

OP you need to look at the relationship as a whole and maybe get some counselling?

Ffs. No sense of bloody humour whatsoever yonic!

Luckily DH and I do and we always joke about the nightie thing!

Well your attempt to 'explore' reasons for the ED not only place responsibility for it on the OP, but may very well be totally incorrect.

ok honey, noones gping to make you leave anyone, but what he's doing IS actually illegal, and I/we just want you to know, that you dont have to do anythimg you dont want to.

If you want to work through the issue with him, then you're going to have to stand up for yourself otherwise he is going to walk all over you and you are going to spend the rest of your life having a completely atrocious sex life, and even being sexually abused.
Dont give in to his guilt trips and passive aggressive upsets over your unwillingness to be anally raped.

A stern looking in the eye and tell him " if you EVER try and put that in my arse again, you will be fucking sorry"

Have some self respect mate. If you say he wont come after you, then fine. Let him deal with the disappointment of not getting his own way at the expense of your enjoyment/happiness/bodily integrity.

Nicely selective typical mumsnet tactic to drag the other persons POV down use of my words though, yonic. You deserve the big smug smile.

This is a thread where, even by your minimal standards, the OP is being subjected to repeated sexual acts that she has made clear that she hates. So no, I don't have a sense of humour here, Destiny.

I won't be engaging with you further.